Dating after lockdown #31 More ghosts than a cemetery!

[Rayne]

No, no, no, no, no, no and yes but only if it involves none of the above

 

[Blueblue123]

The sexual compatibility stuff really jumps out for me too. Sex isn't exactly... Difficult. Obviously some men are lost causes. But if you're in a relationship with someone, you work at it and improve. Usually

Not sure what I'm trying to say here but basically, there are other more important things when it comes to a relationship such as your values, morals, goals, and so on... Sex is part of it yes but I agree it seems to me he's using it as some kind of test.

I've said it before and I'll say it again but I think it's quite insane. There are so many ways you can choose the wrong partner and like you said, sex is one of the few things you can actually work on.

I guess it shows the difference between men and women, generally speaking. We hope not to find someone who's going to damage us emotionally but their worst fear (apparently) is a dissatisfactory bedroom experience.

Meanwhile so many men went to the school of porn and don't even know what they're doing. It's us women who should be picky

this is the thing. he is an honest guy, i will give him that, but this weekend fully knowing my boundaries and still acting super coupley with me lol. i mean i know i could have just not gone, but it is a bit strange if he's really concerned about hurting me in the long run.

doesn't matter now anyway. i want more control of this situation, and i want to protect myself, so i will slowly remove myself from the situation.

Yes, it is good that he's being upfront, it allows you to assess how you really feel.

Not necessarily directed at you but sometimes, I find men are given undue praise for being honest while still hurting us. They're applauded for recognising how they might be acting unfair to us but not for doing anything to fix it.

He's being honest but the more standup thing to do would be to realise that you want/expect a relationship and either become exclusive or end things before you end up hurt.

(Sorry, just being reminded of the last guy who really hurt me. I would ask him why I was upset and he would fully tell me what he did and how he thought it made me feel, then continue to behave that way.

(Sometimes being aware or upfront is only half the job.)

 

[katyazamo]

Ah @triesherbest I think this shows a difference between (some) men and women...that he's happy doing coupley things but without any coupley intent. It doesn't mean he wants more or even that he will want more at any future point.
Maybe because I'm an old lady of 51 and because sex has never been that big a deal to me, I don't like the way he seems to view sexual compatibility as some kind of important test that you had to pass to be worthy of his time, that gives me the ick straight off. I feel like if you'd not had sex with him early on he might well not have pursued things or seen you again and just kept seeing the other person instead that he slept with after you, but also kept dating/ shagging others because clearly that's where he's at, he isn't wanting a relationship, he just likes company and sex.
I think you deserve much better, but also a good break from all of it will probably help

The sexual compatibility stuff really jumps out for me too. Sex isn't exactly... Difficult. Obviously some men are lost causes. But if you're in a relationship with someone, you work at it and improve. Usually

Not sure what I'm trying to say here but basically, there are other more important things when it comes to a relationship such as your values, morals, goals, and so on... Sex is part of it yes but I agree it seems to me he's using it as some kind of test.

I don't think this has been a bad experience because he's been honest about where he is and that's a lot more than what most men will say. If you're happy to keep it as a "situationship" then sure, why not. But you've said you don't want to be hurt and the more you see this guy, the more potential it has for you to be hurt as you develop feelings. It sucks when you find someone who finally ticks a few boxes but isn't emotionally available. I wish it was easier

 

[Fledgling Psycho]

I had one who was all keen, arranged to come over and no sign. I looked at WhatsApp. Blocked. I was so shocked and confused. Later he contacted me on pof to apologise and I fell for it. Later I discovered he had a gf all along and was a coke head.

 

[Flowergirl14]

I had an electrician round for 2 visits last week to do some work. When I opened the door I thought oh hello...very handsome. When he'd finished, he stayed chatting for ages. Asked me if I was single and do I go clubbing?? I'm in my 50's (not aware of any Grab a Granny nights on locally!) and he is 18 years younger than me. Eventually he suggested a roll in the hay sometime!! I did not see that coming... I just laughed loudly. Still felt flattered, even though he only wanted sex!

 

[harveydean]

My faceless guy has been busy all day so decided I should really be keeping my options open for when i discover he's a minger.
Have matched with a guy who's not what I normally go for (gym selfie ) but he actually seems lovely and good craic. He's not long out of a 16 Yr relationship so not looking anything too serious but equally he's not just after a quick shag. He's given me his number so i might add him on WhatsApp tomorrow. I think he's quite fit so im glad we matched, I usually avoid the muscley gym guys as the most lifting I do is my prosecco...

I hate to say it, but faceless guys are usually married.

 

[IGiveUp22]

Ya know what I think it is, as I usually get attached quickly too & something I’ve tried to work on, we know the bar is literally in hell so we attach ourselves to a “decent” man as we know how few & far they are. This is why I think we’re so let down when/if it doesn’t work out or they’re not actually who we thought they were. Because we know we have to start all over again and try find another one that’s decent in the shitty pile we have to pick from

 

[triesherbest]

Im saying this with love, as I’ve been there myself, but you’re not going to change him. He’s been honest with you and deep down I think you want him to realise that you’re good together. 99% of the time it doesn’t work like that, and you’ll be his placeholder.

He’s having fun, and if you are too, and are mentally strong enough to be ok when he meets someone else, then go for it. But I think about doing a slow fade out of his life for your own sake.

yep. slow fade it is. i never thought i'd be the one doing this in any situation, but honestly i'm worried about my mental health at this point and can't get heartbroken again. right now it's early enough to avoid that, i will get over the disappointment. and i mean at least it was a fun fling. thank you <3

 

[Thank(space)you]

I did say, he is scared of being hurt so chose to hurt me instead.

I've blocked him, I feel bad for it but I don't want to be his friend

 

[Rach472]

Hi folks. Thought I'd join this thread, having a hard time! Recently separated from my husband as I found out a while back he had a secret life seeing prostitutes for years including during my 2 rounds of ivf, pregnancy and beyond, up till I caught him out. Eventually gave things another go for the sake of our child but obviously it was far too much to forgive. Been checked out mentally for a long time and a couple of weeks ago started online dating again.
Met a guy who just ticked my boxes on all levels, so much in common, v intelligent, took me out on a wonderful first date which was everything I could've hoped for. But I had a busy day one day and didn't message as much and he immediately accused me of getting weird and pulling away. Got me quite riled as there's nothing more triggering for me than a guy who makes assumptions about my thoughts and I said he was being too intense and I needed a bit of space. So that was the end of that he basically said, bye, nice knowing you and now won't speak to me.
Logically I know I'm best off without him and it wouldn't have worked if he was going to be so uncompromising but I'm fucking wrecked over it and so annoyed at myself, I can't stop thinking about him and that I've missed my chance at something really good.
So I'm back online with a vengeance and have got all the apps going. But no-one fucking measures up to him. I'm so sad and raging at myself for being like this after knowing a guy for 10 days, I'm too smart for this!
So many guys with profiles just saying they don't know what to write and just ask anything you want to know. Why would I be curious when you are giving nothing! Also these sites want you to pay for everything now its so shit!
Sorry for the long first post but can't tell anyone I know or they'll hhink I've lost the plot.
---

Need some words of strength. Not dated anyone since 2015. Started chatting to a lovely guy end of May. Tried really hard to meet but we live in different areas. Spoke daily. Then Thursday- ghosted. Just before I'm meant to go meet him this week.

He's sent a few really short tempered replies but I've refrained from bombarding him so just given up really. No idea what i did wrong. Just so fed up that after all these years I get excited then it's for nothing. Why bother?

Oh no! I absolutely feel your pain, it's horrible when you let yourself get butterflies and it all comes to nothing. I am not the person to give advice but if he can't communicate properly it was a road to nowhere . Still shit though, sending hugs x

 

[Belle123]

I didn't want him to use one either, I hate condoms.. when it's with someone I like and I'm really into it. Sorry I'm a dumbass..... I need to go on the contraceptive pill really relationship or not if I'm gonna be sexually active like this

I hate to be this person too , but you’ve known him a really short time and all I want to say is protect yourself. That responsibility lies with us as individuals. I can’t expect a man to care about my health the same way I do. People lie, or don’t realise they have an STI. You just don’t know what you could be dealing with. I really hope it’s your choice and he didn’t make you feel you had to say no to condoms. You don’t suggest that at all, which is good, but it would be a red flag if he did. I know it can feel better without them, but they don’t make a ton of difference in my experience, and they’re your only real way of minimising catching an STI. Not really worth the potential repercussions, for the sake of feeling good in the moment.

Being on the pill has absolutely nothing to do with a relationship, so I think you’re right to realise this. It might be worth exploring your options with your GP as, for example, you might prefer the coil because that doesn’t involve remembering to take a pill every day, but there’s a few options. Anyway, I’m absolutely not judging you, or telling you what to do. You’re perfectly free and able to make your own choices with your body and what feels right for you, and you probably already know the stuff I’m saying. What you decide is for you and you alone.

Try not to overthink the relationship stuff 3 weeks in. I’m really glad it’s going well, but you don’t know him well enough yet to really know if he’s right for you. If he’s right for you, you’ll still feel that way in the coming weeks and months. It’s too early to be caught up in these thoughts. Your feelings about exclusivity, however, are completely understandable. The problem is you’re trying to sort this after the horse has bolted. If it is important to you, you’ll have to bring it up. How he responds is going to inform your next decision. Good luck x

 

[HelloStereo]

you are not to be used to pamper his ego, and doing a little boy lost i’m too scared of being hurt again routine while simultaneously hurting you is pathetic. and you’re saying there were women at his house too?! nope.

"Scared of being hurt" is such a pathetic excuse - up there with "I'm not ready for a relationship". Dating and new relationships are scary but you take that risk because you like that person and want to see where it goes.

 

[Usagisakura90]

Nothing worse than spending two days and nights with someone and then seeing bumble notifications pop up on their phone.

Its totally killed my mood

 

[tomato_paste]

Went on a date last Wednesday and it went well. He was chatty but I do feel like I’m the sort of person that can get on with most people.

Anyway last night we were chatting about meeting up again next Sunday and he’s suggested watching tv.. I was like watching tv?! He then said I don’t know what to suggest for a second date. He also told me some other stuff about his mental health because ‘we’re getting closer’, which is fine but it still feels a bit early.

The tv thing has really given me the ick. I’ve always been pretty chilled with dating and what we do, but I’m fed up of half arsed dates like this and all my previous boyfriends have been so lack of effort. I’m 30 years old, I’d rather watch tv on my own on a Sunday night in peace! . Also feel like I’m stuck now with him opening up about stuff.

Hinge is so dead where I live in the midlands.

His "can't be arsed" mentality and the trauma dumping are red flags! Sorry but "watching TV" as a second date? Imagine how little effor he'll put in a few years down the line?

As for the BIB - it is not your responsibility to help him with this mental health. He's an adult, it's his shit to sort out. You can be compassionate, whilst still expecting him to take responsibility for his own shit. And TBH if you feel stuck this early even though you owe him NOTHING, imagine how bad it's going to get in the future when it feels like his mental health rests on your shoulders?

I'd send him a short message like "I had a nice time but it's just not for me" and then block and delete. I advise to send the message just because I think ghosting someone if communication has been steady is a dick move - but if it feels easier, you could also ghost him. I've done that with super difficult men where I felt unbeliavably guilty because they made me feel like without me they'd crumble and tried to manipulate me into coming back (they did not crumble).

 

[Hamble22]

I think I'm too old now to find someone. I'm 57. Got kids, grandkids and cats. I'm really boring. My older brothers married young and still together. I had 2 dickhead husbands. DV and got rid, worked and brought my kids up alone really. I don't need a man but sometimes think it would be nice. I think I'll just stay on my own now.

 

[EddyDarling]

Me: I'm so chill, I don't catch feelings I just want dick

Me when Mr tinder hasn't text me back for an hour:

 

[Sir Lancelot]

happily chatting away…joined tinder exchanged numbers here’s some Monday amusement for you I blocked him

"I'm looking for someone to get along with, some romance, with an eye to the future. Anyway, piss on my face!"

 

[EddyDarling]

I've found my dress and I got it from eBay in perfect condition as well for over half the price

Now to find some court heels to go with it and I'm sorted

 

[Rayne]

Thank you again everyone, I spoke to a male friend about it yesterday and his advice was to say a wee mantra about it everytime I start to think about him: “he messed up, it’s his loss”. This friend is a trainee clinical psychologist so maybe there’s something in that

I can’t lie though, I’m still in absolute shock and feel like the wind has been taken out of me. Had been on such a high since I’d known him to now be feeling such utter despondence. Feel so humiliated and naive by thinking he was different.

This loser was 5”6 wasn’t he? Add that to your mantra..
“He messed up, it’s his loss, he’s 5”6”

can’t get over the audacity of him

 

[Meringue22]

I lurk on here usually but couldn’t not post today. @Clementine Please don’t think you did anything to warrant being ghosted. His behaviour says MUCH more about him than you! Try not to over analyse his texts as you’ll drive yourself insane. Block, delete, move on and be thankful you found out now what a spineless prick he is before you fell for him even harder. You dodged a bullet. Hold that beautiful redhead up and remember your worth x