Dating after lockdown #30 WHY ARE MEN SO BORING

[LaBlonde]

Yes he’s agressive when cornered. Hes very articulate. He has 3 moods- love bombing, promises he can’t keep, dismissive or agressive. When he ended our initial relationship he spent 15 mins on the phone explaining why he didn’t want me or had any feelings for me…he said “you take care now” and hung up. That was during covid I was totally alone and it took a long time to build myself back up. But (and I’ll be really honest here, because I feel you all put so much effort into your advice) he’s like a drug. The sex is so intensely good I was left craving it after he left. Of course I did move on, but nothing felt like that, ever again. So when I bumped into him again, and he started showing me attention I was hooked. I hated that my friend (who didn’t even want him) was sleeping with him and I felt so pleased he was back I. My life.
so, it could of been just a few hook ups here and there..but over the last fewmonths I felt we had built a consistent friendship, we would laugh and Connect on so many levels. It was always him that asked to meet up, never me. Last time he was here he said he’d like to meet my mom which of course I’m notgoing to let him do as he’s not in a relationship withme. So to go now to crickets…this isn’t his usual style xx

freeze, these are not red flags. this is a pile of red flags masquerading as a human man. break down what you’re saying here. his three moods are ALL deeply manipulative.

i get that you have a very strong connection to him, that you describe as being like a drug. but, you have to go cold turkey. the withdrawal will be hard but, gosh, he has been awful to you. he is causing you nothing but upset. he knows how you feel about him and is using this completely to his advantage. it’s cruel, it’s controlling, it’s dismissive. crickets may not be his usual style but it sounds like his “usual style” isn’t that considerate either.

as long as you keep leaving that door open, he will keep walking through it.

 

[freezelouise43]

freeze, these are not red flags. this is a pile of red flags masquerading as a human man. break down what you’re saying here. his three moods are ALL deeply manipulative.

i get that you have a very strong connection to him, that you describe as being like a drug. but, you have to go cold turkey. the withdrawal will be hard but, gosh, he has been awful to you. he is causing you nothing but upset. he knows how you feel about him and is using this completely to his advantage. it’s cruel, it’s controlling, it’s dismissive. crickets may not be his usual style but it sounds like his “usual style” isn’t that considerate either.

as long as you keep leaving that door open, he will keep walking through it.

Thank you yes the first time around was orettt horrific…I don’t think I’ve ever felt so discarded. As I met him through my friend I felt utter humiliation at the way he treated me, and if I’m honest some resentment that she stayed friends with him and knew full well my other friend was seeing him at various points. I do honestly see the truth, yes the sex is good but his life is a mess. He talks about wanting to hit his ex wife’s new man, how she’s left him with no money (he earns a lot, can’t be true) so I think all his issues make this behaviour worse..am I better off away from him? Absolutely! Xx

 

[shadowcat5]

Yes he’s agressive when cornered. Hes very articulate. He has 3 moods- love bombing, promises he can’t keep, dismissive or agressive. When he ended our initial relationship he spent 15 mins on the phone explaining why he didn’t want me or had any feelings for me…he said “you take care now” and hung up. That was during covid I was totally alone and it took a long time to build myself back up. But (and I’ll be really honest here, because I feel you all put so much effort into your advice) he’s like a drug. The sex is so intensely good I was left craving it after he left. Of course I did move on, but nothing felt like that, ever again. So when I bumped into him again, and he started showing me attention I was hooked. I hated that my friend (who didn’t even want him) was sleeping with him and I felt so pleased he was back I. My life.
so, it could of been just a few hook ups here and there..but over the last fewmonths I felt we had built a consistent friendship, we would laugh and Connect on so many levels. It was always him that asked to meet up, never me. Last time he was here he said he’d like to meet my mom which of course I’m notgoing to let him do as he’s not in a relationship withme. So to go now to crickets…this isn’t his usual style xx

I hate to be this person and this is going to harsh so I am sorry. I think what has happened here is that he’s figured out how to get you back. He came back into your life in a different way but it was still love bombing. He was seeing where the land was laying with you and that’s why he did the whole friend thing. He is not a friend and he has no respect for you. Would you treat someone like this? Did he even apologise for his behaviour the first time around? He’s probably high off he fact that he can get you back when he wants and that’s why the crickets. He doesn’t want to put too much effort in now after he has cause he wants the control and to leave you pining means he can pop back in and out … hence the disappearing act.
Block him Do not let this man have any access to you ever again. He does not deserve to.

 

[Clementine]

Good sex is absolutely not worth the peace in your mind and heart you’ll feel when you’re rid of this clown and the scales have dropped from your eyes

 

[freezelouise43]

Thanks all! I feel better for explaining fully and I’m going to go forth into the weekend like he does not exist xx

 

[Sunflower16]

Thanks all! I feel better for explaining fully and I’m going to go forth into the weekend like he does not exist xx

Hope you see a bit of light now. I agree with everyone's thoughts here. It reads like he doesn't care, sorry do not mean to be cruel but you deserve so much better. And you won't move forward with it until you yourself realise that too, we can tell you that until you're blue in the face from hearing it! It'll take time to come to terms with your decision but you will with time
I've mentioned it before here, I let go of someone who had been taking up too much of my mind space, 20 years in fact, and the peace I've had since has been lovely. I'm now happy for the first time in a long long time with him now being far from my thoughts. And I didn't have HALF as much contact as you did! You're a good person with a lot to give to someone more worthy, remember that!

I have my 2nd date tonight with P ladies and gents! We were actually planning to meet next week which would have been 2 weeks since last date but he text this morning to say he is finished up earlier than normal and would really like to see me. The way he speaks to me and makes plans in advance (not last minute on a Saturday night when he realises there's no one else around) is lovely and I'm not used to it. Of course, still early days and as always I have my wits about me however if things don't work out, I know I've got through much worse and I'll be fine. Giving him the benefit of the doubt and taking it slow. Also driving well over an hour to meet me halfway
Hope you all are looking forward to the weekend and have lovely plans be it with others or on your own with some "me time"

 

[freezelouise43]

Hope you see a bit of light now. I agree with everyone's thoughts here. It reads like he doesn't care, sorry do not mean to be cruel but you deserve so much better. And you won't move forward with it until you yourself realise that too, we can tell you that until you're blue in the face from hearing it! It'll take time to come to terms with your decision but you will with time
I've mentioned it before here, I let go of someone who had been taking up too much of my mind space, 20 years in fact, and the peace I've had since has been lovely. I'm now happy for the first time in a long long time with him now being far from my thoughts. And I didn't have HALF as much contact as you did! You're a good person with a lot to give to someone more worthy, remember that!

I have my 2nd date tonight with P ladies and gents! We were actually planning to meet next week which would have been 2 weeks since last date but he text this morning to say he is finished up earlier than normal and would really like to see me. The way he speaks to me and makes plans in advance (not last minute on a Saturday night when he realises there's no one else around) is lovely and I'm not used to it. Of course, still early days and as always I have my wits about me however if things don't work out, I know I've got through much worse and I'll be fine. Giving him the benefit of the doubt and taking it slow. Also driving well over an hour to meet me halfway
Hope you all are looking forward to the weekend and have lovely plans be it with others or on your own with some "me time"

I’m so pleased you have met soneone lovely!!!! You absolutely deserve it and try not to worry about anything going wrong, as you say you’ve been through worse I keeping everything crossed for you xx

 

[Belle123]

Thanks all! I feel better for explaining fully and I’m going to go forth into the weekend like he does not exist xx

I feel for you, I really do. I think everyone has said pretty much everything. He’s allowing you to compromise your values and boundaries, because you mention the sex is so good and you remember what it’s like when he’s focused on you and making you feel good. We all want to feel wanted and liked and when we feel a chemistry with someone, and things like sex are great with them, it can be a really vulnerable place to be. We overlook the bad to chase that high we get when they turn their attention and affection back on us.

You say he contacts you, but that doesn’t show his interest in you, for genuine reasons. It’s because he’s horny and after validation. I really do understand it hurts, and you deserve so much better. He’s a user. He’s not going to get divorced and come and sweep you off your feet once he gets his act together. He slept with your friend. He speaks to you badly. He manipulates you. He love bombs you, sleeps with you and then goes quiet again. His red flags will persist long after the ink is dry on the divorce.

I know you’re trying to be laid back and breezy about this, but the sheer volume of posts (which is not a criticism of you) tells me you are very much bothered by it all. Put yourself first and block him. It shows you’re a strong woman who knows her value and is a good “f%#* you” to him! He’s not a friend. He’s not a boyfriend. He’s not anything. He’s a messed up man, manipulating you for his own selfish reasons while he goes through a difficult life event, I.e. his divorce. Stop letting him control you like this and let him go. I swear you’ll feel better as soon as you do x

 

[Sunflower16]

I’m so pleased you have met soneone lovely!!!! You absolutely deserve it and try not to worry about anything going wrong, as you say you’ve been through worse I keeping everything crossed for you xx

Thank you so much my dear

 

[freezelouise43]

Thank you so much my dear

No thank you for sharing your story, it’s helped xx

 

[Sunflower16]

I feel for you, I really do. I think everyone has said pretty much everything. He’s allowing you to compromise your values and boundaries, because you mention the sex is so good and you remember what it’s like when he’s focused on you and making you feel good. We all want to feel wanted and liked and when we feel a chemistry with someone, and things like sex are great with them, it can be a really vulnerable place to be. We overlook the bad to chase that high we get when they turn their attention and affection back on us.

You say he contacts you, but that doesn’t show his interest in you, for genuine reasons. It’s because he’s horny and after validation. I really do understand it hurts, and you deserve so much better. He’s a user. He’s not going to get divorced and come and sweep you off your feet once he gets his act together. He slept with your friend. He speaks to you badly. He manipulates you. He love bombs you, sleeps with you and then goes quiet again. His red flags will persist long after the ink is dry on the divorce.

I know you’re trying to be laid back and breezy about this, but the sheer volume of posts (which is not a criticism of you) tells me you are very much bothered by it all. Put yourself first and block him. It shows you’re a strong woman who knows her value and is a good “f%#* you” to him! He’s not a friend. He’s not a boyfriend. He’s not anything. He’s a messed up man, manipulating you for his own selfish reasons while he goes through a difficult life event, I.e. his divorce. Stop letting him control you like this and let him go. I swear you’ll feel better as soon as you do x

I agree and as you said nothing wrong with feeling that way too and reaching out here and getting some advice and I know for a fact we'd all say f*** him I'm not bothered anyway but of course you would be, I'd 100% the first one to say I don't care anymore but in fact be the one to care too much!
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No thank you for sharing your story, it’s helped xx

Honestly if I was to get into that part of my life you'd actually be concerned for my sanity given we had very little contact and I was with him for 4 years and 3 years on and off like... 15 years ago!! I always thought we'd end up back together somehow and he was my person. I used to dream about him constantly and would rarely go home to my parents because he lives very close. But something clicked about 8 months ago and I was like, I have to move on here, once and for all and close this chapter. It took me a few weeks to process but my God the peace I feel I can finally move on without him in the back of my mind. That clarity will come to you too I'm so sure of it

 

[Fledgling Psycho]

I have a friend, who despite being with a new LT partner (who she met on POF! ) carried a torch for years for "the one" who truly broke her heart. She was devastated & I walked every emotional step from afar with her.

Anyway ff they bumped into each other at some do. He was with new woman (who he married ) and after a few days he contacted her not sure on what. All he wanted to ask her was about the sexual encounters they'd once had, did she think of what they'd done together etc. She said within seconds the torch & the mighty flame were snuffed out. Years of pining and wishing and hoping gone in a flash. This is the reality!

 

[freezelouise43]

I feel for you, I really do. I think everyone has said pretty much everything. He’s allowing you to compromise your values and boundaries, because you mention the sex is so good and you remember what it’s like when he’s focused on you and making you feel good. We all want to feel wanted and liked and when we feel a chemistry with someone, and things like sex are great with them, it can be a really vulnerable place to be. We overlook the bad to chase that high we get when they turn their attention and affection back on us.

You say he contacts you, but that doesn’t show his interest in you, for genuine reasons. It’s because he’s horny and after validation. I really do understand it hurts, and you deserve so much better. He’s a user. He’s not going to get divorced and come and sweep you off your feet once he gets his act together. He slept with your friend. He speaks to you badly. He manipulates you. He love bombs you, sleeps with you and then goes quiet again. His red flags will persist long after the ink is dry on the divorce.

I know you’re trying to be laid back and breezy about this, but the sheer volume of posts (which is not a criticism of you) tells me you are very much bothered by it all. Put yourself first and block him. It shows you’re a strong woman who knows her value and is a good “f%#* you” to him! He’s not a friend. He’s not a boyfriend. He’s not anything. He’s a messed up man, manipulating you for his own selfish reasons while he goes through a difficult life event, I.e. his divorce. Stop letting him control you like this and let him go. I swear you’ll feel better as soon as you do x

Thank you!! I just saw this you’re right! I think it’s hit harder as the attempts I made to date (Darren and Birkenstock ) we’re disasterous! He’s an incredibly damaged man and he’s just causing more hurt. My ex friend will sleep within him whenever because she’s equally damaged but also couldn’t care less about him so it’s a transaction. I’ve been out at lunch and got a new outfit for tomorrow- I’m trying I swear xx
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I have a friend, who despite being with a new LT partner (who she met on POF! ) carried a torch for years for "the one" who truly broke her heart. She was devastated & I walked every emotional step from afar with her.

Anyway ff they bumped into each other at some do. He was with new woman (who he married ) and after a few days he contacted her not sure on what. All he wanted to ask her was about the sexual encounters they'd once had, did she think of what they'd done together etc. She said within seconds the torch & the mighty flame were snuffed out. Years of pining and wishing and hoping gone in a flash. This is the reality!

Omg what a creep I think when the flame goes it’s gone for good! One of my exes did something once that was borderline illegal, and before then I was totally hung up on him- the minute I saw it I walked out and never went back xx

 

[Sunflower16]

Thank you!! I just saw this you’re right! I think it’s hit harder as the attempts I made to date (Darren and Birkenstock ) we’re disasterous! He’s an incredibly damaged man and he’s just causing more hurt. My ex friend will sleep within him whenever because she’s equally damaged but also couldn’t care less about him so it’s a transaction. I’ve been out at lunch and got a new outfit for tomorrow- I’m trying I swear xx
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Omg what a creep I think when the flame goes it’s gone for good! One of my exes did something once that was borderline illegal, and before then I was totally hung up on him- the minute I saw it I walked out and never went back xx

Isn't it crazy that's what it took @Belle123 and she probably wished for years he'd contact her. So glad she saw the light too.
@freezelouise43 They sound like super little pick me ups you've done there Treat Yoself!

 

[triesherbest]

ugh so EVERY DAY for the last 3 days he's hinted at 'next time'. so just now i thought duck it and hit him with 'well, when are you thinking?' cause it's friday now, i have no plans tomorrow and he hasn't even asked what i'm doing this weekend so i'm bracing myself for some vague answer of 'i'll let you know'.

wish me luck

his reply 'i'm busy until sunday, so we could do sunday, or monday again, or wait till next friday for more time?'
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i just said 'let's go with friday' cause let's be real i'll probably stay at his place again and i'm thinking we can have a lie in together the next day lmao.. but sounds like that's what he's thinking too idk..

can't wait for the next week of analysing texts. i'm insane lmao
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Ahhh he just said this

Maybe it won't just be about sex. Omg

 

[Agent Cooper]

I’m talking to guy who just keeps on inviting me out when I’m least expecting it — we can be talking about politics and he just goes like ‘I’m at XYZ, come join me?’ That’s exactly why we haven’t met yet, I’m high maintenance and can’t do dates like this. We haven’t been able to schedule anything apart from that, do I just block him?

Texted Vincent Vega to arrange a date next week (we are both busy this weekend) and he said he would reply later in the day. It’s been like 9 hours and nada. I know he might be busy at work, running errands or drinking with friends, but I’m still sitting here overthinking every single word he said to me. What a way to spend my Friday evening.

I’m 99% sure I’m off the apps for good if nothing works out with my current matches. Dating is just so draining and probably not worth a couple of good kisses.

ugh so EVERY DAY for the last 3 days he's hinted at 'next time'. so just now i thought duck it and hit him with 'well, when are you thinking?' cause it's friday now, i have no plans tomorrow and he hasn't even asked what i'm doing this weekend so i'm bracing myself for some vague answer of 'i'll let you know'.

wish me luck

his reply 'i'm busy until sunday, so we could do sunday, or monday again, or wait till next friday for more time?'
---
i just said 'let's go with friday' cause let's be real i'll probably stay at his place again and i'm thinking we can have a lie in together the next day lmao.. but sounds like that's what he's thinking too idk..

can't wait for the next week of analysing texts. i'm insane lmao
---
Ahhh he just said thisView attachment 2291295

Maybe it won't just be about sex. Omg

Aww that’s exciting! Sounds like he is into you so please try not too worry too much or you will drive yourself crazy Most men are weird and can’t communicate properly, so there is no point in trying to decipher their actions. Just try to take things slow and enjoy these early days!

 

[shadowcat5]

Saw this and it really resonated with me so I thought I’d share

 

[IGiveUp22]

@Agent Cooper i had a guy similar to this, he’d try drop dates spontaneously and last minute; on one of the occasions I could have gone, it would have been a bit of a rush but I could have done but then I thought I don’t want this man to think I’d drop everything in an instant to see him when I didn’t know him?
Also I prefer to have time to get ready etc and a proper plan like you.


I would, before blocking him, maybe just say “look I’d like to meet up but I’d prefer us to arrange something in advance, if you can’t do that then that’s fine but that style of dating doesn’t work for me” then see what he says/does.

The guy I referenced we never went on a date. I assumed he’d met someone else tbh. He did drop me a message a couple of days ago going on about how he wish we did meet but he decided to have some time on his own so god knows sounds code that he met someone else

 

[Sunflower16]

I’m talking to guy who just keeps on inviting me out when I’m least expecting it — we can be talking about politics and he just goes like ‘I’m at XYZ, come join me?’ That’s exactly why we haven’t met yet, I’m high maintenance and can’t do dates like this. We haven’t been able to schedule anything apart from that, do I just block him?

Texted Vincent Vega to arrange a date next week (we are both busy this weekend) and he said he would reply later in the day. It’s been like 9 hours and nada. I know he might be busy at work, running errands or drinking with friends, but I’m still sitting here overthinking every single word he said to me. What a way to spend my Friday evening.

I’m 99% sure I’m off the apps for good if nothing works out with my current matches. Dating is just so draining and probably not worth a couple of good kisses.

Aww that’s exciting! Sounds like he is into you so please try not too worry too much or you will drive yourself crazy Most men are weird and can’t communicate properly, so there is no point in trying to decipher their actions. Just try to take things slow and enjoy these early days!

How strange! Yes like you'd need time to get ready and also not be at his beck and call (or however that phrase is written!) Try not to let the apps get you down. But you're right it is absolutely exhausting at times and if you feel you need a break take one!
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ugh so EVERY DAY for the last 3 days he's hinted at 'next time'. so just now i thought duck it and hit him with 'well, when are you thinking?' cause it's friday now, i have no plans tomorrow and he hasn't even asked what i'm doing this weekend so i'm bracing myself for some vague answer of 'i'll let you know'.

wish me luck

his reply 'i'm busy until sunday, so we could do sunday, or monday again, or wait till next friday for more time?'
---
i just said 'let's go with friday' cause let's be real i'll probably stay at his place again and i'm thinking we can have a lie in together the next day lmao.. but sounds like that's what he's thinking too idk..

can't wait for the next week of analysing texts. i'm insane lmao
---
Ahhh he just said thisView attachment 2291295

Maybe it won't just be about sex. Omg

That definitely sounds promising! In my experience men are mostly useless at making solid plans; dates times etc. But he did suggest for you to do something!

Not long back from 2nd date. Went for some nice food in my neck of the woods and sat in car for a few hours just chatting and kissing Next date already arranged for next week where he'll come down to mine, to my actual house!
Hope you're all well

 

[BettyBeau]

I was in a scenario very similar to @freezelouise43 over a two year period. During COVID I awoke one day to find myself blocked and never heard from him again. This was July 2020. Finally in October I dared to look at his WhatsApp from another phone and there it was, a marriage photo. So as usual the man fell on his feet and I had a lot of healing to do.

Sounds similar to mine had a on off relationship for years didn’t see each other at all during Covid but spoke pretty much the whole time. first time we meet up after Covid we had sex then realise he’s now wearing a wedding ring. he says oh yeah that sorry forgot to tell you I got married. Like what the duck did you forget getting down on one knee and proposing to do you have memory loss.