Dating after lockdown #30 WHY ARE MEN SO BORING

[Usagisakura90]

I'm on bumble, its been dry. But tinder was awful, hinge was full of ONS on people's profiles.

My disadvantage is though I live somewhere small, so there isn't going to be many in my town other than the odd quasimodo looking guy, the next place is alot bigger but they aren't much better. I think it's my county alot of places you hear things like "oh that place is like UKs alabama" or something and everyone seems to know each other.

What surprises me though is there aren't many 32/33 year olds who would of been in my year group at school they must either be in relationships or married or just not on there.

(Just wanted to elaborate I'm not vain on particularly judgemental, I'm not exactly drop dead gorgeous myself haha but with online dating it's about looks too)

 

[BWGossip]

I also can't find a "why" he would lie to me if I say that things wouldn't change for me if he actually saw another person

Because he knows you may change your mind (or think you will), especially if he lied and double down on it: he will come out as even more of a red flag if now he admits he lied about the condom, his only way out is to commit to the lie. Sorry, but an acquaintance was in the same situation, turns out the guy was lying, she only discovered the truth when some mutual friend finally spill the beans that he was banging everything that moved when they were on 'a break'.

If you have trust issues, why date a guy who lied to you before you even dated? (lying about your age is a aint red flag imo) I think it's pretty normal to have trust issues with that type of guy, you're not the problem here.

 

[triesherbest]

been voice messaging blondie from monday pretty consistently since our date. just talking about regular stuff with flirting in between and hints about 'next time' sprinkled in here and there..
he seems really attentive too. he sent me a voice note when he got home from the gym late last night, fell asleep before replying to me so he messaged again this morning. i also changed my whatsapp picture which he made a comment about.

i feel like these are all good signs but i'm so not used to anything healthy, i'm still driving myself insane waiting for texts, and thinking 'well he hasn't actually planned anything yet so may still slow fade me' that i'm gonna sabotage this unintentionally somehow. i just think nothing works out for me so what would make this one different, and i'm so scared and anxious all the time

I feel so damaged lol

 

[whyhellothere83]

been voice messaging blondie from monday pretty consistently since our date. just talking about regular stuff with flirting in between and hints about 'next time' sprinkled in here and there..
he seems really attentive too. he sent me a voice note when he got home from the gym late last night, fell asleep before replying to me so he messaged again this morning. i also changed my whatsapp picture which he made a comment about.

i feel like these are all good signs but i'm so not used to anything healthy, i'm still driving myself insane waiting for texts, and thinking 'well he hasn't actually planned anything yet so may still slow fade me' that i'm gonna sabotage this unintentionally somehow. i just think nothing works out for me so what would make this one different, and i'm so scared and anxious all the time

I feel so damaged lol

You’re not damaged at all! I feel the same!

 

[triesherbest]

You’re not damaged at all! I feel the same!

hugs!

 

[MsCurly]

been voice messaging blondie from monday pretty consistently since our date. just talking about regular stuff with flirting in between and hints about 'next time' sprinkled in here and there..
he seems really attentive too. he sent me a voice note when he got home from the gym late last night, fell asleep before replying to me so he messaged again this morning. i also changed my whatsapp picture which he made a comment about.

i feel like these are all good signs but i'm so not used to anything healthy, i'm still driving myself insane waiting for texts, and thinking 'well he hasn't actually planned anything yet so may still slow fade me' that i'm gonna sabotage this unintentionally somehow. i just think nothing works out for me so what would make this one different, and i'm so scared and anxious all the time

I feel so damaged lol

The fact that you recognise the hurt you’re still dealing with and unhealthy thought patterns are big signs of growth in my opinion. Don’t be too hard on yourself, no one is perfect. Be gentle with yourself and remember that it is okay to be insecure or worried, but that no amount of worrying will be able to change how someone interacts with you. Some people are just arseholes, and they will treat others crappy, no matter how great the sex was, how lovely you are, or how good of a kisser you are.

 

[shadowcat5]

jesus Mary mother of Christ look what I’ve just come across. Yes that is a small child holding her middle finger up (yes it is her middle finger. I have checked multiple times!) at the camera. Why would you put that on tinder?!

 

[Agent Cooper]

What are everyone’s thoughts on writing first, arranging dates, confessing your feelings first etc? I’m all for equality and have asked guys out several times, but I do wonder whether that makes me desperate.

If you have trust issues, why date a guy who lied to you before you even dated? (lying about your age is a aint red flag imo) I think it's pretty normal to have trust issues with that type of guy, you're not the problem here.

Ditto this @sofipbn It’s only logical you have difficulty trusting someone who started lying on the very first day.

i feel like these are all good signs but i'm so not used to anything healthy, i'm still driving myself insane waiting for texts, and thinking 'well he hasn't actually planned anything yet so may still slow fade me' that i'm gonna sabotage this unintentionally somehow. i just think nothing works out for me so what would make this one different, and i'm so scared and anxious all the time

I feel so damaged lol

Awww I feel you! You are not damaged, it’s only normal you feel this way after everything you’ve been through Don’t be so hard on yourself lovely, just take things slow and try to have fun!

I mute notifications after a certain time now and just allow texts from certain people (family eg). That way I know if my phone buzzes after a certain time I know who it will be and I won’t be jumping up to look.
i didn’t do it for dating specifically but because I have a bad habit of staying on my phone and not relaxing properly. I’ve also muted my tinder notifications so I don’t get them.

That’s what I did today! Deleted Tinder and turned off my WhatsApp notifications. Trying to focus on real life, I’m working a lot, taking walks, preparing meals from scratch…

 

[Rayne]

I deleted tinder today too

 

[RattyBumBum]

Hey!

Why not just ask him out again? Take the lead. I know that goes against convention but if you’re struggling not knowing then ask, if he dodges it, you know where you stand but if not then you have another date. He seems keen but a lot of men have the same worries as us like being too pushy.

When I met my fella (on tinder) at the end of the 1st date he asked when he could see me again, I said ‘the weekend’ (it was a Tuesday) we where chatting the next day, and I looked for something online i thought we’d both like, and suggested it. He was keen. And offered to buy the tickets. Then I knew it would happen.

I don’t think it Made me look too keen, I was being assertive, I liked him.

good luck x

been voice messaging blondie from monday pretty consistently since our date. just talking about regular stuff with flirting in between and hints about 'next time' sprinkled in here and there..
he seems really attentive too. he sent me a voice note when he got home from the gym late last night, fell asleep before replying to me so he messaged again this morning. i also changed my whatsapp picture which he made a comment about.

i feel like these are all good signs but i'm so not used to anything healthy, i'm still driving myself insane waiting for texts, and thinking 'well he hasn't actually planned anything yet so may still slow fade me' that i'm gonna sabotage this unintentionally somehow. i just think nothing works out for me so what would make this one different, and i'm so scared and anxious all the time

I feel so damaged lol

 

[BWGossip]

What are everyone’s thoughts on writing first, arranging dates, confessing your feelings first etc? I’m all for equality and have asked guys out several times, but I do wonder whether that makes me desperate.

I don't think that makes you look desperate at all! It's different if you're always arranging the dates (with the same person) and they never plan any dates, in that case they're rude. But there is nothing wrong with asking out first or saying 'I love you' first. Honestly, if that makes your date think you're desperate, then they aren't worthy of your time imo. Also, FWIW, my friends (men) always say how hot it is when women ask them out (usually because they are clueless about subtle hints or are afraid to misread the situation)

Is it about the Vincent Vega guy ?

 

[Morleybbz]

Was having an okay conversation with a guy on bumble... just been sent 2 dick pics even worse one of them is him standing in front of the mirror

I wouldn't want a dick pic at any point- they're nice to use but not to look at or maybe the ones an ex sent me have scarred me for life

I was using bumble as a distraction as my friend and I had started talking again since he ghosted me - I'll save you the graphic details but he'd been ill when he'd not been replying to me then - but the conversation wasn't quite the same and has since fizzled out

I hate the getting to know people stage - I'm not really looking for a proper relationship but someone I can have fun with who I get along well with...
And that's what I had with my friend so now at a bit of a loss at what to do.

 

[Agent Cooper]

I don't think that makes you look desperate at all! It's different if you're always arranging the dates (with the same person) and they never plan any dates, in that case they're rude. But there is nothing wrong with asking out first or saying 'I love you' first. Honestly, if that makes your date think you're desperate, then they aren't worthy of your time imo. Also, FWIW, my friends (men) always say how hot it is when women ask them out (usually because they are clueless about subtle hints or are afraid to misread the situation)

Is it about the Vincent Vega guy ?

Yeah you’re right as always! I think I could tell he kinda fancied me but it’s getting too complicated for my anxiously attached brain. I think I’m gonna text him tomorrow saying something like ‘I really like you, it would be great if we could meet again next week’ and just hope he doesn’t find me too clingy…He’s already told me he thinks I worry too much

 

[Clickbait]

Yeah you’re right as always! I think I could tell he kinda fancied me but it’s getting too complicated for my anxiously attached brain. I think I’m gonna text him tomorrow saying something like ‘I really like you, it would be great if we could meet again next week’ and just hope he doesn’t find me too clingy…He’s already told me he thinks I worry too much

I think there is a balance between making the first move and laying all your cards on the table. Might I suggest you send something like “Fancy doing something next week? I was thinking doing [insert activity] could be fun.”

The fact you’re reaching out to him shows you’re interested, you don’t yet need to quantify how much you like him. Sometimes sharing that can make a person step back because they feel too much pressure, or find it too much too soon (worried about the person being clingy) or conversely, they could lean in and pursue their own agenda because they know they’ve ‘got it in the bag’ so to speak.

 

[Sharkfan]

I matched with a guy on hinge and we got on really well over text. We went out for drinks and dinner on Saturday and had a great time and met up again for coffee in the week. Then he messaged me today saying he doesn’t think we’re romantically compatible. Tbf I can see why as we’re at very different points in life and he’s very confident in himself whilst I’m just not- plus he’s really nice and does want to remain friends but I can’t help feel disappointed it’s ended before it really started. I think my biggest issue is I don’t have enough life experience as I stayed home for uni and am still a student were as he moved away for uni and longer and has only temporarily moved back home. He’s only 4 years older but I guess when you’re in your 20s that’s still quite a big difference.

 

[HelloStereo]

I matched with a guy on hinge and we got on really well over text. We went out for drinks and dinner on Saturday and had a great time and met up again for coffee in the week. Then he messaged me today saying he doesn’t think we’re romantically compatible. Tbf I can see why as we’re at very different points in life and he’s very confident in himself whilst I’m just not- plus he’s really nice and does want to remain friends but I can’t help feel disappointed it’s ended before it really started. I think my biggest issue is I don’t have enough life experience as I stayed home for uni and am still a student were as he moved away for uni and longer and has only temporarily moved back home. He’s only 4 years older but I guess when you’re in your 20s that’s still quite a big difference.

"Not romantically compatible" could mean a lot of things, maybe he changed his mind, or found someone else or didn't feel any chemistry, or you could be at different life points or have different outlooks. I feel like you could analyse it to death but never come to any real conclusion.

Just chalk it up to experience and move on to the next.

 

[PunkyMonkey]

Evening/morning all!

I just want to say that I seriously doubt any of you are damaged. Possibly temporarily bent out of shape from careless handling but not permanently or dangerously disfigured.

I have several groups of dating mates and it's like this for everyone, everywhere. Absolute madness and I can't quite believe I'm jumping back in but my first post divorce date has ended in a very complicated, extremely lengthy almost FWB thing where I'm worried I'm getting feelz so I need to meet some new people ASAP.

I've got two dates this weekend, one from Feeld and one from Bumble, and I'm already freaking out.

But my main reason for posting is about attachment because I found this YT channel pretty informative, there's a site with an attachment quiz and obviously it's all online courses from there which won't come cheap but I am pondering trialling it so will keep you posted.

Link for the free YT Channel

https://youtube.com/@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool

I've also just read "Anxiety Rx" and it has made a massive difference to my understanding of my relationship behaviours (childhood blah, won't bore you!) so excited to attempt this secure thing.

May you all have lucky weekends, and remember ghosting etc is rarely to do with you, literally anything could have happened and that uncertainty sucks but acceptance is the only sane choice (this from the woman in the aforementioned complex pseudo friendship because I'm a massive hypocrite and will dish out advice I simply cannot follow, sigh, such is life). Let me know if you find any of the links helpful and I'll post more!

 

[Usagisakura90]

I deleted tinder today too

I deleted my bumble too yayyy


I'm done, I am focusing on me. I realise I am probably forcing myself onto these apps as I know my ex is out on the prowl. and I look forward to more weekends in my own company when the child is at dad's (another prick I dated they are drawn to me).

I keep seeing massages on tiktok and honestly it would be so lovely right now so I might see if I can book one near me for next weekend.

 

[freezelouise43]

Hoping everyone is doing ok I’m feeling a little better, it’s not the no messages that bother me (I think his life is spiralling and I’m no longer useful) it’s the relief that so far I haven’t had a nasty text saying he doesn’t want to see me, purely because I’ve got a big weekend coming up and I could do without any upset..I know I know I could block him, but I feel if I do it looks like I’m bothered rather than as some of you have said just carrying on with life which I intend to do! Here’s hoping for continued silence

 

[tomato_paste]

I feel if I do it looks like I’m bothered

And why do you care what he thinks? This is exactly the problem. You need to become free of this thought process of putting his assesments of situations over your own. Stop evaluating what you are doing by thinking about what he’d say about it. Form your own opinions and get rid of that voice in your head that tries to mirror his judgements about your life to please him. Because it doesn't matter.

What do YOU want to do. Do you want to block him? Then do so!