Dating after lockdown #30 WHY ARE MEN SO BORING

[BWGossip]

There was a sense of shame about the way he spoke about being attracted to men, (he did not directly say he was ashamed) he was kind of lowering his voice/ whispering when talking about this side of himself and he kept saying not everyone has to know.

Totally understand him. I think the stigma against bi-men is even greater than against bi-women (I say that as a bi-woman). It's sadly not unusual for people to think bi-men are closeted gay (and that bi-women are women 'experimenting' until they find the right man). If you were in a public setting I understand even more why he was lowering his voice, especially as he is not out publicly.

All people have a past, you probably had (and will have) relationships with people who had better sex with other people than you, no matter the gender. The important thing is that they choose to be with you and no other.

 

[no-no]

This is possibly going to be offensive but I cannot help how I feel. Went on date with a guy I’ve been chatting to for the last 14 days or so. We met online and the conversation has been very good.

During the date he told me he is bisexual. He said he has never had a relationship with a man, it’s only been NSA/ three-sums type of encounters. He did say he was very relieved he told me this side of himself as not everyone knows this about him apart from his parents and 3 friends.
There was a sense of shame about the way he spoke about being attracted to men, (he did not directly say he was ashamed) he was kind of lowering his voice/ whispering when talking about this side of himself and he kept saying not everyone has to know.
My worry now is he gay but just has shame around his sexuality? I’m kind of feeling insecure because he said sexually the men his been with in the past knew exactly what they where doing.

Not offensive and he had no need to big up his previous sexual encounters to you (TMI). It’s good he was honest so you can decide from near the offset. Don’t try and second guess his sexuality, ask yourself if it’s something you could deal with. It would be a dealbreaker for me.

 

[nooseymoo22]

Totally understand him. I think the stigma against bi-men is even greater than against bi-women (I say that as a bi-woman). It's sadly not unusual for people to think bi-men are closeted gay (and that bi-women are women 'experimenting' until they find the right man). If you were in a public setting I understand even more why he was lowering his voice, especially as he is not out publicly.

All people have a past, you probably had (and will have) relationships with people who had better sex with other people than you, no matter the gender. The important thing is that they choose to be with you and no other.

Thank you and you are right. I’d like to believe I’m 100% ok with peoples sexuality; so I’m feeling like a bad person seeing as I’m now bothered as it involves me personally.
---

Not offensive and he had no need to big up his previous sexual encounters to you (TMI). It’s good he was honest so you can decide from near the offset. Don’t try and second guess his sexuality, ask yourself if it’s something you could deal with. It would be a dealbreaker for me.

Thank you. I can’t deal with it. Sucks!

 

[Morleybbz]

Its 5am and I can't get back to sleep.

Messaged my friend yesterday asking if he wants more fun together or nah. Snapchat said at first it hadnt been read but apparently he read it straight away.
Still has time to watch my Instagram stories...

I know it's probably psycho but I'm so tempted to reply 'Well I guess no reply is the biggest answer' especially as he said he was about honesty I'm just so angry at being ignored and I can't be doing with the dating appeals anymore

 

[nooseymoo22]

I'm just so angry at being ignored and I can't be doing with the dating appeals anymore

Totally justified that you are

 

[Morleybbz]

I think I'm gonna message him at some point saying I would have appreciated a reply either way

Probably not a good idea, but I couldn't read and ignore a message off someone then just casually view their Instagram stories knowing they're left on read...

Just so frustrating cause I know there's stuff I didn't get into in my posts on here but he was making so much effort before and after we'd slept together... like he was grafting for 2 months before we starting properly talking the other month

 

[Laura VanderBooben]

I think I'm gonna message him at some point saying I would have appreciated a reply either way

Probably not a good idea, but I couldn't read and ignore a message off someone then just casually view their Instagram stories knowing they're left on read...

Just so frustrating cause I know there's stuff I didn't get into in my posts on here but he was making so much effort before and after we'd slept together... like he was grafting for 2 months before we starting properly talking the other month

Leaving people on read is blatantly ignoring them and shows you don’t care and talk whenever you want to talk instead of mutual interest. Sometimes it drives me crazy. Ok if it's just a random message that doesn't require an immediate response. However, something of importance like emotions/feelings, that can be devastating and hurtful and won't waste any more time if they can't be bothered.

Don't dwell on it or give it too much thought. Just move on and enjoy your life and don't let him know that it's getting to you.. Sometimes not saying anything is best.

 

[triesherbest]

I think I'm gonna message him at some point saying I would have appreciated a reply either way

Probably not a good idea, but I couldn't read and ignore a message off someone then just casually view their Instagram stories knowing they're left on read...

Just so frustrating cause I know there's stuff I didn't get into in my posts on here but he was making so much effort before and after we'd slept together... like he was grafting for 2 months before we starting properly talking the other month

I know a lot of the advice on here is usually to not message again, but I would send that message just saying a reply would be nice. Otherwise you will constantly be thinking about sending it.. if he doesn't reply to that, block delete and move on.

Based on his past behaviour it sounds like this is unusual for him so I think he will reply, but also we know past behaviour from guys can mean nothing cause they can flip like a switch.

Sorry you're going through this

 

[Morleybbz]

Leaving people on read is blatantly ignoring them and shows you don’t care and talk whenever you want to talk instead of mutual interest. Sometimes it drives me crazy. Ok if it's just a random message that doesn't require an immediate response. However, something of importance like emotions/feelings, that can be devastating and hurtful and won't waste any more time if they can't be bothered.

Don't dwell on it or give it too much thought. Just move on and enjoy your life and don't let him know that it's getting to you.. Sometimes not saying anything is best.

Thank you for replying
This where I'm conflicted cause I wanna call him out on that being a tit quality to show him I'm not gonna be a doormat leaving the door open but then I don't wanna be a psycho

We are messaging on snapchat so if I was gonna message again I'd wanna do it whilst the other message would still be on the screen....

I know a lot of the advice on here is usually to not message again, but I would send that message just saying a reply would be nice. Otherwise you will constantly be thinking about sending it.. if he doesn't reply to that, block delete and move on.

Based on his past behaviour it sounds like this is unusual for him so I think he will reply, but also we know past behaviour from guys can mean nothing cause they can flip like a switch.

Sorry you're going through this

Thank you for replying
That's the other side of my conflicting, he's usually been good at replying and says he wants honesty but then I feel like if he takes ages to reply to my first message I shouldn't be humouring it


Ive done a post in notes explaining more about the friend (quite theraputic before work tbh) but I'll put it as a spoiler as its quite long

Spoiler: Long post about the Friend

When we were friends back 7/8 years ago I was in a casual relationship with another of our friends - in fact it was us 3 constantly hanging around with each other - the guy I was seeing ended moved away in that time and my friend told me when we were talking recently that he wanted to put a move on me but he didn't know what my situation was with my friend...

I also ended up moving away for a year, but I moved back to the area rather than the town my friends in. Looking back at messages he was trying it on with me when my ex moved away and when I moved back home, same MO as this time but this time it worked

Since I moved back he was in a long term relationship of several years which broke up in January. He's been grafting me since at least April but I'm tit at replying (can feel invasive when I'm at home but that's another story) so it wasn't until the end of May that we were talking properly, and I felt comfortable messaging when I was at home etc

He'd been away 5 nights with friends, had to drive home for hours but still wanted to come to me that night. He made the effort and continued messaging me after he left too. It just seemed to be whenever it came to meeting again he would go quiet despite saying he wanted to

I'm not looking for a relationship per say, I want someone I can have fun with in the bedroom but also when just chilling. I need my own space, i realised that when I lived with an ex. It's also made me realise how important personality is and you just don't see that on the apps.
When he came to my house he said honesty is important. He said he wanted a bit of fun and we already know each other which means we are already past that first step.

I'm a 30 minute drive or 15 minute train ride away (I don't drive) and we said I would go to him next time. I feel like the 'distance' may be an issue but surely that's better as it would keep it casual like we would want. But maybe I'm not at his beck and call by not being close by

He also told me he had only slept with me and one other girl since breaking up with his ex. She's definitely someone he's had on the bench for years, he said he'd slept with her previously and when he slept with her this year she asked him 'what are we?' And he said they're nothing...

So I refuse to be a doormat like that other girl is (think they've known each other since school) cause I think she does just leave the door open for them to come back or doesn't put them in their place

 

[Clickbait]

Thank you for replying
This where I'm conflicted cause I wanna call him out on that being a tit quality to show him I'm not gonna be a doormat leaving the door open but then I don't wanna be a psycho

We are messaging on snapchat so if I was gonna message again I'd wanna do it whilst the other message would still be on the screen....



Thank you for replying
That's the other side of my conflicting, he's usually been good at replying and says he wants honesty but then I feel like if he takes ages to reply to my first message I shouldn't be humouring it


Ive done a post in notes explaining more about the friend (quite theraputic before work tbh) but I'll put it as a spoiler as its quite long

Spoiler: Long post about the Friend

When we were friends back 7/8 years ago I was in a casual relationship with another of our friends - in fact it was us 3 constantly hanging around with each other - the guy I was seeing ended moved away in that time and my friend told me when we were talking recently that he wanted to put a move on me but he didn't know what my situation was with my friend...

I also ended up moving away for a year, but I moved back to the area rather than the town my friends in. Looking back at messages he was trying it on with me when my ex moved away and when I moved back home, same MO as this time but this time it worked

Since I moved back he was in a long term relationship of several years which broke up in January. He's been grafting me since at least April but I'm tit at replying (can feel invasive when I'm at home but that's another story) so it wasn't until the end of May that we were talking properly, and I felt comfortable messaging when I was at home etc

He'd been away 5 nights with friends, had to drive home for hours but still wanted to come to me that night. He made the effort and continued messaging me after he left too. It just seemed to be whenever it came to meeting again he would go quiet despite saying he wanted to

I'm not looking for a relationship per say, I want someone I can have fun with in the bedroom but also when just chilling. I need my own space, i realised that when I lived with an ex. It's also made me realise how important personality is and you just don't see that on the apps.
When he came to my house he said honesty is important. He said he wanted a bit of fun and we already know each other which means we are already past that first step.

I'm a 30 minute drive or 15 minute train ride away (I don't drive) and we said I would go to him next time. I feel like the 'distance' may be an issue but surely that's better as it would keep it casual like we would want. But maybe I'm not at his beck and call by not being close by

He also told me he had only slept with me and one other girl since breaking up with his ex. She's definitely someone he's had on the bench for years, he said he'd slept with her previously and when he slept with her this year she asked him 'what are we?' And he said they're nothing...

So I refuse to be a doormat like that other girl is (think they've known each other since school) cause I think she does just leave the door open for them to come back or doesn't put them in their place

What do you hope to achieve by messaging again? That he will apologise for not replying, have a really great excuse and then suggest you meet up again giving a date/time?

You are offering yourself on a plate and he’s left you lying there. Messaging again isn’t psycho, it’s simply showing him that he means an awful lot more to you than you clearly do to him.

I find it interesting you fully admit that he made all the effort and you were tit at replying. It seems now the tables are turned you’re not enjoying being on the receiving end. Perhaps he took from you behaving that way, that things were casual including your communication style.

Think it’s a bit mean of you to slag off the other girl and call her a doormat. You say you ‘think’ she leaves the door open for him but perhaps she’s happy with that arrangement? Also often the definition of a FWB arrangement is that the door is left open for casual encounters without the need to see each other or be in touch constantly or consistently.

You seem to be confused with what you want from him - not a relationship, someone to have sex with, but also someone to spend time chilling out with, someone who replies to your messages in good time but is understanding that you like your space so you won’t always reply to theirs. This feels to me like it’s a relationship without the label but I may be misinterpreting.

 

[Morleybbz]

What do you hope to achieve by messaging again? That he will apologise for not replying, have a really great excuse and then suggest you meet up again giving a date/time?

You are offering yourself on a plate and he’s left you lying there. Messaging again isn’t psycho, it’s simply showing him that he means an awful lot more to you than you clearly do to him.

I find it interesting you fully admit that he made all the effort and you were tit at replying. It seems now the tables are turned you’re not enjoying being on the receiving end. Perhaps he took from you behaving that way, that things were casual including your communication style.

Think it’s a bit mean of you to slag off the other girl and call her a doormat. You say you ‘think’ she leaves the door open for him but perhaps she’s happy with that arrangement? Also often the definition of a FWB arrangement is that the door is left open for casual encounters without the need to see each other or be in touch constantly or consistently.

You seem to be confused with what you want from him - not a relationship, someone to have sex with, but also someone to spend time chilling out with, someone who replies to your messages in good time but is understanding that you like your space so you won’t always reply to theirs. This feels to me like it’s a relationship without the label but I may be misinterpreting.

No I'm not hoping he'll say yes, but I wanted a definitive answer. I asked him whether he was up for having more fun or not
The sex was good. The post sex chat and chilling was nice. That's what I mean about casual chilling especially as the hook up required staying overnight due to different towns and us chilling having a drink afterwards.
We don't live in the same town but close enough that we wouldn't be under each others feet all the time- the distance allows the casualness.

When it came to me being slow at messaging, this was back in April and it would be story replies from him. I'd apologise for being tit at messaging back and we were making jokes about it. The flirting properly started when we were messaging each other back in decent time.
I was never opening the messages and then not replying, it just got lost in my notifications until I opened the app up again like a week later.

I do want something casual, we had had the discussion mentioned in my long post somewhere amongst the ramble, about how this situation was good as we already knew each other etc and get on well.
I don't want to get married and I don't want kids in life in general I just wanna see where it takes me
I have no illusion about exclusivity between us when we are having fun I've been on bumble and tinder in that time (to no avail)

I might sound bitchy about the other girl but that was in a wider conversation about my ex our friend and his ex that he was in a long term relationship with. He spoke more positively about his ex than the girl, he'd slept with his ex now and again when they were still living together after the split and he regretted that - same tone was taken regarding the other girl.
I could see his distain at her wanting to put a label on the relationship- I'm not wanting a label I just wanna see if were gonna bang again



Just trying to deal with the waves of duck him and duck him so thank you for all listening to my wobbles it's really helping

 

[MsCurly]

The new thread can be found here!

Dating after lockdown #31 More ghosts than a cemetery!

Thread title by @sleepflowers Phew, the last thread has flown by! To the readers, posters, and silent lurkers of the thread: I hope you all have a hot girl summer and get to live your best lives this summer! ❤🧡💛💚💙💜 The previous thread can be found here...

tattle.life

 

[IGiveUp22]

Sometimes I do think if you wanna send the text send it. It never achieves anything, always looks like you’re more bothered, you’ll likely regret it & feel a bit stupid after but if at the time it makes you feel better, do it. We’ve all been there, we’ve all sent stuff when we should have ignored and yes, after we send it we always think “I shouldn’t have sent that” but sometimes, your anger gets the better of you and it can be quite therapeutic to think you’ve said your bit and not “let them get away” with treating you badly. The guys don’t think anything of it though so they are pretty pointless.

I think if you’re sending it as a form of closure/to stand your ground etc then fair enough. But if you’re sending it with the hopes it will change his mind/get a response where he does say he wants to carry on with you etc then don’t send it. That’s always my motto - context on WHY you’re sending it/what you want the outcome to be is key for your own mental health