Dating after lockdown #30 WHY ARE MEN SO BORING

[shadowcat5]

On a lighter note, a guy got arsey with me yesterday for using “mate”. I didn’t refer to him as mate might I add. Just used in the general conversation. He said he was “not happy with being friendzoned”

I mean lord almighty.

 

[Lalla]

Honestly these shitty, cowardly men make me so bloody cross with their pathetic behaviors. @Agent Cooper, @holliebollie, @triesherbest and indeed everyone who has been rudely and discourteously ghosted or cast aside, I'm really sorry that you've had to suffer this crap. Please believe me (speaking as someone who was first ghosted back in 1997, which worryingly is probably before some of you were born!) that it is absolutely and in no way you, or anything you have done, or didn't do.
This is always, always about the men. It's because either they perceive dating as some endless human version of a yo sushi conveyor belt where they cast 1 woman aside because there's another one right behind, and because they're twats.
Or they start off with good intentions but get cold feet or feel intimidated. And because they're twats.
It is emphatically them and not you.
And yes of course some people do manage to pinball from one relationship to the next, but don't forget having a man/ relationship is not an achievement. Given the very low quality of most single men nowadays this has never been more true!

 

[tomato_paste]

Happy Tuesday everyone I hope you are well, ever thankful for you all on here…I don’t say it enough…still no reply from my friend…I think I’m probdbly reading alot more into out friendship than he does. Ive been thinking and I think he sees me as an escapism from his life (money worries, ongoing divorce) and then when he leaves he goes back to whatever he’s dealing with and I fade into the background…its odd because it’s always been me who keeps the convo going but him that makes the plans (probably when he’s feeling fed up)…still not upset over it, slightly hurt because it’s rude not to text back, but it is what it is? I would call him out on it but he’s quite abrasive and agressive when he wants to be and honestly I could do without the drama I’m so busy with work etc…

You know this cycle will continue until you leave it be, right? He will never commit to you, the friendship is onesided, and terribly convenient - for him.

As for the BIB - those are some major red flags! What do you get from this whole situation? Because none of it sounds like he is an actual friend, someone who is reliable, nice, takes your needs into acount, gives consistent attention and care and helps ease your burden as much as you do for him. If it bothers you, you need to be the one that steps back, preferrably blocking him on every channel. He won't, as you're too useful for him.

You will not change him, you can only change the dynamics. If you don't want the drama, eject the one causing it from your life.

 

[Hot_Dogs_Or_Toes]

It's interesting reading this thread from a male point of view. Lots of what you ladies are saying happens to guys too (minus the dick pics of course )

I've lost track of the amount of women I've been talking to where I literally have to carry the conversation. It's a two way thing isn't it and it's hard work if the other person is not putting in at least the same effort as you are.

 

[tomato_paste]

Time to break out the passport.
If it was me, I’d be over in a flash and say in my best French…
“Une vino rouge und ein frau sexyavailable, por favor”

(it may not be a shock to discover I was kicked out of French lessons at age 14)

 

[Usagisakura90]

Urghhh. I genuinely didn’t think this would happen. Ex got back in touch saying he’d had a breakdown and wasn’t ‘lucid’ when we broke up and he knows it’s probably too late but he still loves me and is willing to work on everything and his emotional growth as hard as it takes to be a better person etc etc etc. also sent me videos of an open mic night he did where he sang a song about me and one about my children. WHY do they do this when you’ve just started to move on i told him that I would reply today but I did say that I’d realised he was right and done the work to accept we aren’t compatible and he was like ‘wow that hurts’ - they were your own words pal! ‘Yes but I didn’t know what I was saying.’
Now I just feel like a horrible person because I need to say, you had your chance, you let me wallow and sink to the bottom and I’ve just started clawing my way out of it and I cannot make the space for this negativity/let myself be drained again. But it makes me feel like a dick because he keeps going on about his mental health. Bleugh

You are not responsible for his mental health in any way shape or form. We are not free therapy or therapists for men who can't take care of themselves.

I know men's mental health is an issue, but the amount of times I have heard "he threatened to x himself" "he's really sad and mentally unwell without me", we are not responsible for that and I'd suggest if he needs help that badly tell someone he knows or call a crisis team. But it is not your job even if you were a therapist.

 

[Jojoo]

This sounds awful! He can’t have an affair and upend your world, then expect to stay and make you put up with him shagging the other woman and dragging out things. The fact you’ve had to call the police twice is not good. You should speak with a solicitor about getting an order to get him out of the house. Protect yourself and your kids from the emotional abuse that this situation is creating - he’s shagging another woman while living in a house I bet he does fuck all to manage day to day like you do, then he cries on your shoulder and manipulates you. This can’t be at all good for your mental health. He took a grenade to your marriage. Now he can be a grown-up and take the consequences of his actions and get the hell out. Like someone else said, tell him to move in with her and chuck his stuff out. You’re not doing anything to harm the kids with this course of action - he’s made you too afraid to stand up for yourself/rock the boat. Don’t let him do this to you. I’m sorry if I sound harsh, I’m just mad for you xx

I saved this message, no one’s worded it before quite like you did. You don’t even know the half of what he’s done this last year but you are so spot on. I’ve read this daily it’s just really hit home to me. Thank you

sorry I didn’t reply to anyone just felt flat, i logged out of tinder on Monday morning and I haven’t missed it once! I’ve read my book, been to the gymn, been out for dinner with friends, painted even bought some beads and made a bracelet from an insta video I watched. I’m going to keep working on me and just keeping busy.

 

[Rayne]

From reading how the date went I honestly think you should message him as when he suggested second date you didn't commit then? He mightn't want to be rejected again?

I think you've got nothing to lose to reach out to him and suggest it? Compliment the second kiss

Ohhh god no don’t ever stroke someone’s ego after they’ve literally unmatched and blocked you

 

[EddyDarling]

Out of interest to the ladies on here what is a good opening a man can send you on a dating app? I literally sit there sometimes and think what can I say to 1. get the person's attention instead of just a 'Hello how are you?' 2. not come across as a try hard which probably then makes me sound weird.

It's hard work this dating and messaging lark. I wish there was a handbook guide for all this

"Hey how's it going"

Don't tell them what PornHub tag is your favourite please
---
I just want someone to buy me champagne and drive to mine to get me very very drunk, appreciate my expensive ass lingerie and lick me fanny.
Why is it so hard please

 

[Clementine]

Some food for thought.

 

[triesherbest]

I'm in his bed will update later

 

[melisnusty]

UPDATE - first date
We had originally planned to meet Wednesday but had some intense sex chat Saturday night so brought it forward to Sunday.
met at my local pub which I rarely go to. He bought me a drink, we chatted for a couple of hours then drove to a car park for some kissing and light fondling then a secluded lay-by where I sucked him off. He pretty much wanted to drop me home straight after.
I fully expected him to ghost me after because I’m so big but he messaged to say ‘see I’m not a dickhead, no ghosting here’ but then later I started the sex chat again and he wrote some odd messages about breeding, shooting his load with the chance of getting me pregnant. I would say good luck, my ovaries are probably dust but I’m probably still rudely fertile
I don’t know if he’d been drinking or if I’d sucked the sense out of him.
---
Am I a mug?
---
All the ‘wows’ are putting me ill at ease

 

[sleepflowers]

@Agent Cooper write some tweets about how shit his band is on an anonymous account. My friend recently got treated badly by a musician and I told her to do that my recent ghost was an actor. She said I should give him 0 stars on IMDB next time he was in anything and I recognised him lol

 

[triesherbest]

i've been reading the ghosting subreddit in between tasks at work and it makes me feel better to know i'm not alone.. some people get ghosted after years of a relationship or communication with someone...... it's truly awful behaviour and it's traumatizing. i never knew how bad it could be until going through it myself and mine wasn't even a severe case; i'm just glad it wasn't worse. i swear i will never ghost someone in my entire life.

i think i also have abandonment issues which came up when i was a child (my parents weren't even neglectful i just had a lot of anxiety surrounding it) so i'm extra sensitive to feeling abandoned/rejected too

 

[Hot_Dogs_Or_Toes]

Update on my Tinder lady that I was supposed to be meeting this weekend. She's unmatched me...

No idea what that's all about?? We last chatted this morning which was fine and then I went to go and say hello to her this evening and she's no longer there. No idea what I've done wrong but it doesn't feel nice.

 

[Rayne]

A reminder to all the men on bumble

 

[Rayne]

But now he’s offered to come and mow my lawn 🥹

I hope that’s not a euphemism

 

[EddyDarling]

new to this thread as i didn’t know it existed until now, i say this every time but honestly i’m done with dating

went back on tinder in february, matched with a guy, we spoke for a month before meeting, we got on amazing, met in person, hit it off well and went on another two dates, since then he’s cancelled on me every other date that’s been organised due to being unwell and couldn’t even give me a call due to being unwell, i made a comment if he was that unwell he should go to the hospital but he brushed it off and said that he couldn’t go due to how unwell he was, so that started giving me red flags

continued to talk to him giving him the benefit of the doubt, said he was going to make it up to me for not seeing me for so long then messaged during the week asking if i could help him out with rent since he had been off sick, i don’t like to see anyone struggle so sent him the £150 he asked for, messaged me again friday asking for another £30, i said i couldn’t as i have my own bills to pay etc and i’m 99% sure he’s now ghosted me, not heard from him since friday, none of my messagings are sending to him, calls aren’t connecting etc

why are people like this?!

He's blocked you because he's scammed you already

 

[Lalla]

I completely agree that you shouldn't hate yourself for wanting a relationship - most people do, otherwise dating sites and joint mortgages, and even this thread wouldn't exist. It's perfectly natural to want someone to share your life experiences with. Equally some people decide that a romantic relationship isn't for them, and they develop a close network of friends to share things with instead. Neither is wrong. .

But there's definitely no hate from me for wanting a relationship, because I do as well I thought my last relationship was for life. I didn't really expect to end up 51 and single (again). Like many of you, I like my life. I've lots to be thankful for. But everything was just that little bit better when I was in a relationship.

 

[MsCurly]

I haven't fully caught up with the thread yet, but I just had such a bizarre coffee date that I need to talk about it!
The date was a set up by a mutual friend. She has been bugging both of us about this for months, and I got so tired of the apps that I finally gave in and said yes. I didn't know anything about the guy, which was a deliberate choice on my part: even if there would be zero connection I'd still be able to fill the date with questions about him and his life.
So I show up for this date (it was quite early because we both have wonky corporate hours / are usually chained to our desks for 60 hrs) and surprise, surprise: he is a lovely looking guy! We start chatting and we hit it off immediately. We work in similar fields so we shared our work struggles and were able to laugh quite a lot. We then moved on to friends and family, and he dropped a BOMB. He told me he is actively dating because he plans to get married WITHIN A YEAR. We both come from religious backgrounds (different ones!) so I am no stranger to the pressure of settling down from both family members and the church, but he told me his family is pressuring him to find someone within a year, or his mother will be contacting a matchmaker on his behalf.
Well, my shock was so big that the coffee almost made its way outside through my nostrils.. A 30+ year old man is being pressured into marriage by his family. I didn't really respond to it other than "oh, I see" and "that must be quite difficult for you". He told me he'd like to go on another date, but I just find the whole situation so bizarre that I am not sure how to handle this! He seemed very nice, but the family is already such a major red flag that I am not sure if this is something I could deal with.