Dating after lockdown #30 WHY ARE MEN SO BORING

[Usagisakura90]

Sorry to merail and be off topic.

But I got my degree result back....I got an upper 2nd class honours, a 2:1!!
I'm so happy and proud of myself!!!

 

[Rayne]

Much like dating sites, we don’t reveal all on a forum so whilst I have shared that online dating is a brand new experience for me, the amateur analysing on here - crack on everyone but just remember you aren’t trained therapists and while you might think you’re ‘helping’ what are you actually doing? Seeking validation on a forum and trying to look, what? Like you have a wealth of experience maybe? I don’t know. You can share your experiences without trying to pull me and my choices - and they are my choices- apart. You can’t teach someone not to make mistakes based on your mistakes.
You do you, ta-ra.

Not being funny but if you’re posting your experience of being on a date on a dating advice thread, guess what… you’re going to get dating advice and opinions as that’s what this thread is for

 

[Lalla]

Please never, ever, settle, and don't let anyone tell you that you should. It's hard enough to make the good things last in a relationship where you adore the other person, let alone where you've settled for a person who doesn't really float your boat, because someone is better than no one.

I kind of settled for my son's dad. He was never what I wanted but he was all I thought I could get at the time, and tbh it probably would have fizzled out after a few months, but I got pregnant and ended up stuck wasting the prime years of my life (28 to 36) on that abusive twat. On the other hand I wouldn't have my son otherwise so I don't regret it, I only wish I could have escaped sooner.

And of course years later I met my Ex who was 100% my type, looks, personality all of it. Except the part where he was a liar and a cheat of course. But I do still feel vindicated that the person I was looking for must exist, because my Ex was so close to it and ticked almost all the boxes (except for the above massive character flaws). Maybe next time -if and when I can be bothered to start looking - I'll find someone who is my type but is also faithful.

Also going back to something that was said on the last thread (I think it was @Universal who shared these wise words, and apologies if I have misquoted) being in a relationship is not an achievement.

---
(Perfectionist that I am, I had to go back to the previous thread and check - I got the wording wrong, the original was having a man is not an achievement - but I was along the right lines )
Let's just say that the man/ relationship thing is no achievement!

 

[Agent Cooper]

what was he like, did he loosen up a bit? are you attracted to him in person? sounds good though

sorry i'm so nosey

Oh it’s okay, I would be nosey too I haven’t been on a date where I could feel at least a tiny bit of attraction for a very long time so it really is quite something. I was late and he waited by the place we went to, poor sod. I was expecting him to be fuming but he wasn’t — well I guess he could not complain because I was looking So we went in and he got us both drinks (he insisted on paying even though I was ready to pay for myself). I talked much more than he did, but he did loosen up when he spoke about music, traveling and philosophy — he even tried to quote Kierkegaard…After the date we went for a walk, it was dark with lights everywhere and I thought “If he doesn’t kiss me now, he is an idiot”. Well, he didn’t! We got to the station, silent because I couldn’t really think of new topics to bring up anymore, and before getting on his train he asked me whether there was going to be a second date. I said: “I don’t know, it looks like you were bored and I never even got to rate your kissing skills as promised” (he did promise it, I swear). And then he pulled me aside and kissed me. He really is the perfect kissing height, I’m quite a tall girl and he is a couple of inches taller. Good kisser too, confident but not too much. After the kiss he jokingly asked me to rate it, I gave him 8 out of 10 and he said he wasn’t even trying his best, so I asked whether him trying his best would be different…So he kissed me again. I would be lying if I said I hadn’t already thought about it a couple of times today - I am not planning to fall in love with him so help me God Once I got home, he texted me to say I was a good kisser too and wish me good luck with a work assessment test I had told him about. He’s also said that he didn’t initiate the kiss because he thought it would be too much for a first date…and that he has a quieter personality but that does not mean he’s bored. No more texts today so we shall see.

 

[SpindleWhorl]

I did a thing yesterday, I was bored so went for a meal on my own then went to a bar on my own afterwards and got a guys number x

 

[LaBlonde]

Hi all! Me again!! The idiot with the special friend hope you are all well!! Ok so I went on holiday on my own last week( was booked with my ex, none of my friends could make it) and whilst I was away, said friend was messaging every day, really sweet things, anyway, I was feeling alone and a little sorry for myself so I kind of told him how I felt…he said he felt that same (!!!) and would come see me when I got back. Literally within 5 hours of being home he was round with beautiful flowers a massive hug and telling me how glad he was I was back etc…we watched tv and drank tea then he went home- he has left his teenage son having a house party. I was so happy anc pleased he came over and when he got back ge texted saying he missed me…since then…how many messages would you guess he has sent? prize for the winner of the lowest answer

i’m sorry but i have to rise from the shadows briefly to respond to this.

freeze; this man always does this to you we talked about it a few times on the last thread. he appears, love bombs you, gives you hope and then disappears again. you have to stop giving him the chance to do this - he is completely taking advantage of your kindness. if he wanted to be in a relationship with you, he would be. as it is, he’s keeping you on some kind of reserve bench and is checking in every so often to make sure you’re still there and giving you enough attention to keep you interested. it’s cruel and you need to set a clear boundary with how he’s treating you, personally i would be blocking and going no contact. it is NOT FAIR what he’s doing.

 

[Agent Cooper]

I’ve just noticed the new thread, I fully support the thread title and second the plea for another recap by @MsCurly

I’m just so done with Tinder. Done with mediocre men with yellow teeth and bad haircuts, done with writing first, done with doing all the legwork trying to keep the conversation going. Why don’t they have anything on their profiles? Why can’t they ask a single question? Why do they have photos of cats or stupid memes as their WhatsApp profile pictures?

And I want to give an individual shout-out to guys with cringy or questionable profile pictures. I’ve compiled a few favourites:

So men think that a photograph holding fish they’ve caught is attractive. Uh huh.

 

[holliebollie]

WHY do I bother? 6 lovely dates, chatting everyday. Had sex at the end of last week and both away for the weekend (separately). Talk of lasting longer ‘next time’ Didn’t ask when I was free next but yesterday answered ‘Yes I should be free x’ when I suggested meeting today. I now feel like an absolute knob. He told me he had talked to his mum and friends about me and said they might meet me soon?! Maybe I need to up my game in bed I felt like crying when I read it!

 

[Clementine]

All I can say is I’d absolutely treasure @LaBlonde if she were my friend in real life. She’s an absolute doll and one of my favourite internet strangers. It makes me happy when I see the little F1 dude’s face. She’s a very special part of this place and I know all of her contributions absolutely come from a good place

*The amount of absolutelys sum up my feelings

 

[Agent Cooper]

So I’ve been ghosted by my Monday date. I wanted some clarity so I ended up texting him with a simple “Hi, how are you?”. He replied swiftly, said he was doing okay and asked me about my day. I said I was fine and made a joke about the place we went to. He read my message but did not reply. This morning I wake up to him having unmatched me and deleted all of our WhatsApp messages (can’t see his picture anymore so I guess he has blocked me too). I could see it coming but I still feel like an idiot. I can’t believe someone who positioned himself as a bad boy can be such a coward. Why bother bringing up a second date if he wasn’t planning to ask me out again? I already had some doubts during the date because he seemed uneasy when I said I was a feminist and used to have a girlfriend, but then I told myself I was reading too much into this. Apparently I wasn’t! I’m glad we did not have sex because that would have made me feel even more vulnerable, but I do regret not drinking more considering he suggested paying The funny thing is, I know where he works and where his (shitty) band plays their next gig so I can technically catch him there and make a scene…Right now it seems very alluring but I don’t think I’m going to do it — my mum taught me better than that and all. Thankfully I’m meeting another guy for a coffee today so maybe I’ll be able to move on ASAP.

 

[BWGossip]

Well I felt so bloody bad he had driven all the way that I did it anyway.

NGL, reading that made me a bit sad: you should never feel obliged to have sex with anyone. Sure, it sucks that he made the drive for nothing but he shouldn't have lied about what he looks like (because he knew what he was doing posting old pictures). Hope your okay anyway

 

[Punchface]

Friend of a friend was organising a date with a guy on one of the apps, he said he couldn’t do one particular weekend because he was “going to a wedding”…..It. Was. His. Wedding.

I know exactly who both people involved are (totally separate friendship groups in different areas) so I know it’s true, but goddddddd

 

[timtams]

I matched with this guy 4 days ago… it took him 4 days to come up with this opener

 

[LaBlonde]

Not being funny but if you’re posting your experience of being on a date on a dating advice thread, guess what… you’re going to get dating advice and opinions as that’s what this thread is for

exactly. or maybe write “this isn’t for advice” or something at the start if you just want to let it all out without responses.

the idea that people here are only giving advice to seek validation is rather upsetting tbh. i’ve had incredibly helpful and empathetic advice here over the last year or so, no one here posts with ulterior motives or anything other than genuine concern or care for the people they’re responding to. yes sometimes that advice can be blunt but it’s a dating advice thread. men are rubbish. sometimes we do need to be direct.

 

[Clickbait]

Hi all thank you for all your messages. Feeling really down today…since we were back in contact we have had a lovely friendship and I’ve been really kind to him- I even bought him some nice presents when I came back off holiday. He must know that totally ghosting someone you’ve known 3 years is hurtful, and that that person you’re ghosting would never beg you for attention or cause you any issues. Why hurt someone who’s only been a really good friend? As I think I’ve mentioned before, I have a friend who’s also mates with him (although we don’t really talk these days) and she’s rude about him, makes fun of him calls him ugly etc and he’s even visited her in hospital! He seems to have alot more respect for her than he does for me and I feel a total idiot that I thought he had charged 🥲

You say you have had a lovely friendship but just a few weeks ago you talked of feeling ignored, him displaying hot and cold behaviour that wasn’t good for your mental health (24 April), saying you wish you’d never met him, and that you’d blocked him and other friends associated with him (27 April).

You must have unblocked him relatively quickly as you said you had been texting again prior to 2 June when you revealed you’d met up with him the previous week and bought him dinner. He went from hugging you and holding your hand to radio silence after that meet up (as expressed in your post on 12 June).

Then you’re texting again by the time you go on holiday (third week of June) and he tells you that he feels the same way as you do about him and comes to see you (25 June). Then starts the pattern of no contact.

You called yourself “the one who’s in love with her man friend” (2 June) so when he said he felt the same way as you was that that he was in love with you, or did you mean that he also felt “alone and sorry for (himself)”?

I think perhaps you’ve tried to convince yourself that this is a friendship (it isn’t), that you’re happy to just be friends with him (you’re not), that he has the capacity and capability to be a good friend to you (he doesn’t).

You are simply trying to pursue a ‘friendship’ with this massive waste of time in order to keep him in your life because you believe yourself to be in love with him*. Aside from some token gestures he has done nothing to behave as a consistent friend towards you, he’s just used you for attention and affection on his own terms and then walked away.

Likewise if he was just a friend you would not feel so hurt by him being crap at communicating with you - you would accept his limitations and realise that’s just him. I have a dear friend of over 30 years who is awful at responding to text messages. She might take 3 weeks to reply and I get that she has life stuff going on, she’s probably forgotten and she’ll eventually get round to it. I don’t say she’s ghosting me.

I already wrote a long post before about the fact that you’re the only person getting hurt in this charade. I know that deep down you know all this, but equally deep down you want it to all resolve itself so that he realises that you are a great person who would try her best to make him happy and love him a great deal and this would lead to a wonderful relationship.

*This isn’t meant to sound patronising, I just believe and hope that time away from him, and a truly rewarding relationship will show you what you feel for him is not love. It’s just he is your ‘imaginary relationship guy’ - the one that for some reason we think our life would be so much better if we were in a relationship with despite all evidence to the contrary!
I think most people have them, I had two!

Keeping the receipts above is being done to show you that your words and actions are not matching up. If you want to get off this toxic roundabout you need to commit to cutting him off. If you can’t do that right now then at the very least you have to wait for him to come to you with no encouragement. If he really is your friend on any level he should not need his ego massaged to give you the time of day.

I hope you don’t waste much more of your life on this man.

 

[Belle123]

Much like dating sites, we don’t reveal all on a forum so whilst I have shared that online dating is a brand new experience for me, the amateur analysing on here - crack on everyone but just remember you aren’t trained therapists and while you might think you’re ‘helping’ what are you actually doing? Seeking validation on a forum and trying to look, what? Like you have a wealth of experience maybe? I don’t know. You can share your experiences without trying to pull me and my choices - and they are my choices- apart. You can’t teach someone not to make mistakes based on your mistakes.
You do you, ta-ra.

You asked a question “am I a mug?”, following a detailed update of your date. This suggested you were looking for feedback. @LaBlonde answered you with fair observations, which obviously touched a nerve. She is pretty balanced with what she has to say and quite kind and sensitive. I can say this because I’ve chatted with her here for quite some time. It’s not fair to drag people on this forum because you didn’t like someone’s response to your invitation for comments on an open forum. No one thinks they’re a therapist. I certainly don’t, and nor is it about validation. Very often advice will boil down to a simple “consider therapy” because we absolutely see that some people’s issues run deeper. There’s a lot of help on this forum, especially with the day to day business of dating apps and general behaviour we encounter, and the main thing that’s bonded everyone is that they do not feel alone and isolated. No one is judging you, but consider whether you’ve been a bit sensitive here and why that is. I say it with care, not judgement. You’re no doubt still healing and I for one do not underestimate how hard it must have been to date again after such a long relationship. So take care of yourself first and foremost x

 

[LaBlonde]

he liked me back?

is he high?

GET OFF THE APPS. UNMATCH THIS MAN.

i am literally on a cliff face yelling this into a gale.

you will gain nothing from it and you’re not in the right headspace. you are putting pressure on yourself and you need to work through the hurt of how this man treated you.

he did not deserve your swipe. UNMATCH HIM.

 

[EddyDarling]

I unmatched the absolute fucking clown
You just know he's a proper boring and insecure prick in real life

 

[MsCurly]

aw, you’ll have to do a double recap next time

i love that you have an american flag by his name how are you feeling about that message?

I feel a bit strange about his text to be honest! I never expected this level of reflection from him so I'm surprised he was able to admit that I raised some good points without bursting into flames. But his invite for an American burger if that isn't too subpar for me feels a bit... condescending in a weird way? He tried to joke a lot about the US vs. Europe during our date too, so I think this is his attempt at humour.

The date itself was awful so I will not be going out with him again. His flattery does nothing for me, because hellooooo, I'm an intelligent woman, of course our conversation was going to be intellectually stimulating

 

[LaBlonde]

We need to say goodbye to our type if we wanna get married one day

please tell me this is a joke because, if not, it’s one of the most depressing things i’ve read on this thread 🫠