Dating after lockdown #27 Being on Tinder to find a man of value is like looking in the bin for a Rolex

[drewydrop]

Hey, so have lurked on this thread for ages and love how supportive everyone is so thought I’d reach out. I was scared for a long time to put myself back out there but have been on dating sites since Christmas (bumble and hinge) and just feeling deflated. Strap yourselves in..

Ghosted by 1st guy I was talking to. Knew him through friends anyway, lots in common, talking for few weeks over Xmas. Met twice. Second date had sex at mine, minutes after sex told me he didn’t want a relationship, planned on moving to be closer to his children literally as we laid there. Didn’t hear from him again. Found him 2 weeks later on hinge (met on bumble) and his prompt was (it’s nice to be important but more important to be nice). I sent him a like and told him he might need to work on that. Cue a long WhatsApp apologising for not being in touch and how stressed he’s been. I replied telling him not an excuse, you don’t sleep with someone then don’t message them again. He didn’t reply.

2nd guy we were texting/ talking on phone for 2 weeks and planned a fun date day. Ended up meeting for a quick drink week before this as he had plans and wanted to meet sooner and we live 30 miles away. We got on well and was still up for a second date. He started to give me the slow fade pretty much immediately, this was someone who was a self proclaimed nice guy and who was always honest. Called him out a few days later after the slow fade and he said he now wasn’t sure about the distance (45 mins) but he knew this when we arranged the second date and said he just wanted to be honest. I said you weren’t being that honest as I had to ask you how you were feeling as you’d stopped texting so much. He responded by saying he was sorry he changed his mind, acting like I was massively into him when I just liked him enough to see how a second date would go. I said no worries, he then replied saying although he didn’t want a second date he would be up for meeting for sex on our planned date day as he had nothing else planned. Distance clearly not an issue for that then! Immediately called him out and he told me it was a joke and he forgot to put the laughing face emoji. Yeah right.

Then third guy I was chatting with before 2nd guy, but didn’t initially like him that much. Conversation was very polite but he seemed nice and like he had his tit together. Didn’t overly message and wasn’t throwing compliments my way all the time. After 3 weeks of messaging we met for a drink - had no expectations but we had a great night, he was quite quiet but fun and we got really drunk, he ended up staying at mine, and stayed until the next night, just chilling on the sofa. Felt really comfortable with him. Carried on messaging and arranged the next date straight away (few weeks away as he has his children most weekends and works away half the week) but still messaged everyday. He then invited me to his 2 weeks later on a Mon night for food and a film. He messaged day of saying he had a last min job interview next morning, I was like here we go, but he just wanted to reschedule to the next night. Had a lovely evening, Messaging increased and was much more flirty and we were getting on really well.

I went away that weekend and ended up going to see him the night I got back. Everything was great, stayed the night which I didn’t plan on, great sex, he was very affectionate (know this is sickening but held me all night, kissing/stroking me). I left in the morning and he was like no don’t go, and I said see you Sat yeah (our original planned 2nd date) and he said yeah definitely. Massive smile on his face.

Messaged him the next day and he said he’d had a tit day at work the day before so had taken a sick day that it’s really dragging him down. Very open that he hated his job/ boss. But he asked how I was and what I was up to. I replied, he didn’t read it for nearly a day and then replied a day later asking if we could reschedule our weekend date as he’d been feeling really down all week because of his job and was going to see his parents to try and shift his mood. I knew this was a bad sign but he only gets 1 weekend from his kids and I definitely am anxiously attached. As he’d been so refreshingly adult and gentleman like I thought it was me being overly anxious so I said of course, hope he felt better soon and I never heard from him again.

I messaged him 5 days later when I saw he was online and said he could’ve shown my some respect and been honest with me instead of ghosting and that he seemed better than that. He read it and didn’t reply.

These are all men in their late 30s/ early 40s with professional jobs and young children. I don’t understand how they cannot send 1 message to say sorry not feeling it anymore. The first two it is what it is and could tell it wasn’t right but this last guy has really upset me. 8 weeks of messaging, met up 3 times, twice at his and I don’t even deserve a message to say he’s changed his mind. I know it’s on him and not me but has really hurt. This was a couple of weeks ago now but I hate he’s left me questioning myself.

 

[IGiveUp22]

Honestly @drewydrop its going to sound very cliche but it’s not you, it’s them. And sadly, it’s the vast majority of them. Just allow yourself to go through the motions and the hurt. It’s absolutely normal for you to feel down and to sadly question yourself. But please please just ride the motions and you’ll be out the other end in no time.
maybe just forget dating for a bit and concentrate on doing things to make you feel better about you x

 

[xcyber]

Hey, so have lurked on this thread for ages and love how supportive everyone is so thought I’d reach out. I was scared for a long time to put myself back out there but have been on dating sites since Christmas (bumble and hinge) and just feeling deflated. Strap yourselves in..

Ghosted by 1st guy I was talking to. Knew him through friends anyway, lots in common, talking for few weeks over Xmas. Met twice. Second date had sex at mine, minutes after sex told me he didn’t want a relationship, planned on moving to be closer to his children literally as we laid there. Didn’t hear from him again. Found him 2 weeks later on hinge (met on bumble) and his prompt was (it’s nice to be important but more important to be nice). I sent him a like and told him he might need to work on that. Cue a long WhatsApp apologising for not being in touch and how stressed he’s been. I replied telling him not an excuse, you don’t sleep with someone then don’t message them again. He didn’t reply.

2nd guy we were texting/ talking on phone for 2 weeks and planned a fun date day. Ended up meeting for a quick drink week before this as he had plans and wanted to meet sooner and we live 30 miles away. We got on well and was still up for a second date. He started to give me the slow fade pretty much immediately, this was someone who was a self proclaimed nice guy and who was always honest. Called him out a few days later after the slow fade and he said he now wasn’t sure about the distance (45 mins) but he knew this when we arranged the second date and said he just wanted to be honest. I said you weren’t being that honest as I had to ask you how you were feeling as you’d stopped texting so much. He responded by saying he was sorry he changed his mind, acting like I was massively into him when I just liked him enough to see how a second date would go. I said no worries, he then replied saying although he didn’t want a second date he would be up for meeting for sex on our planned date day as he had nothing else planned. Distance clearly not an issue for that then! Immediately called him out and he told me it was a joke and he forgot to put the laughing face emoji. Yeah right.

Then third guy I was chatting with before 2nd guy, but didn’t initially like him that much. Conversation was very polite but he seemed nice and like he had his tit together. Didn’t overly message and wasn’t throwing compliments my way all the time. After 3 weeks of messaging we met for a drink - had no expectations but we had a great night, he was quite quiet but fun and we got really drunk, he ended up staying at mine, and stayed until the next night, just chilling on the sofa. Felt really comfortable with him. Carried on messaging and arranged the next date straight away (few weeks away as he has his children most weekends and works away half the week) but still messaged everyday. He then invited me to his 2 weeks later on a Mon night for food and a film. He messaged day of saying he had a last min job interview next morning, I was like here we go, but he just wanted to reschedule to the next night. Had a lovely evening, Messaging increased and was much more flirty and we were getting on really well.

I went away that weekend and ended up going to see him the night I got back. Everything was great, stayed the night which I didn’t plan on, great sex, he was very affectionate (know this is sickening but held me all night, kissing/stroking me). I left in the morning and he was like no don’t go, and I said see you Sat yeah (our original planned 2nd date) and he said yeah definitely. Massive smile on his face.

Messaged him the next day and he said he’d had a tit day at work the day before so had taken a sick day that it’s really dragging him down. Very open that he hated his job/ boss. But he asked how I was and what I was up to. I replied, he didn’t read it for nearly a day and then replied a day later asking if we could reschedule our weekend date as he’d been feeling really down all week because of his job and was going to see his parents to try and shift his mood. I knew this was a bad sign but he only gets 1 weekend from his kids and I definitely am anxiously attached. As he’d been so refreshingly adult and gentleman like I thought it was me being overly anxious so I said of course, hope he felt better soon and I never heard from him again.

I messaged him 5 days later when I saw he was online and said he could’ve shown my some respect and been honest with me instead of ghosting and that he seemed better than that. He read it and didn’t reply.

These are all men in their late 30s/ early 40s with professional jobs and young children. I don’t understand how they cannot send 1 message to say sorry not feeling it anymore. The first two it is what it is and could tell it wasn’t right but this last guy has really upset me. 8 weeks of messaging, met up 3 times, twice at his and I don’t even deserve a message to say he’s changed his mind. I know it’s on him and not me but has really hurt. This was a couple of weeks ago now but I hate he’s left me questioning myself.

All these guys are absolute shits. But I love that you called them all out and don’t seem to be too hung about them. It’s awful to have these experienced and I can guarantee every single of us on this thread has experienced the same. Which just proves it’s not US but it’s the increasingly tit behaviour from these so called men on apps. The one thing they all have in common is that they’re cowards.

 

[Clementine]

You’re not alone, @drewydrop. It’s horrendous out there, and even the ones who come across as a decent human being can’t sustain it. Don’t allow these experiences to determine how you see yourself though

I really do think the kind of men we seek, just aren’t on the apps.

I sometimes worry that all my hope has gone, and that all my energy has been used dealing with this bs. That I’m just done now. A husk of a woman (relationship wise ).

 

[User_name_100]

I know I said this in a previous post but men have a funny way of keeping your number for years then suddenly reappearing again

I've literally just had a text from a guy I went on a few dates with around two years ago (can't remember exactly when). I think we went on three dates and he called it off shortly after as he didn't feel a spark. Fair enough, I was a little upset but got over it. We never spoke again.

Two years later, today, he bleeping texts me saying he misses me. What the actual duck!!!

 

[Anne1448]

Please, do not let those bad experiences affect you. Clearly it's not you since we all share similar experiences even though we live in completely different countries on different continents.

I strongly believe that the quality of men is bad simply because we are part of the early generation of women who are asking for better from men. Our mothers, grandmothers and prior generations had to put up with it. But because we finally have equal rights, we can FINALLY ask more from men.

 

[Thank(space)you]

I've been on a bit of a blocking spree for some zombies and actually enjoying it sorry fuckboys you can never darken my messages again

 

[SpindleWhorl]

I have a date on Saturday, my first of the year. Not sure how it's going to go down tbh, he seems a bit shallow, like always talking about the types he goes for and it's always lookswise. But we'll see!

 

[natx]

Hi guys! I’ve been lurking on this thread for a wee while now!
@drewydrop please do not doubt or question yourself! It is honestly men and they are just such dicks these days. You are amazing and the right person is out there for you, I promise!

I had the WORST luck with men. Dating from the age of 18-25 was absolutely draining and I constantly had men ghosting me, gaslighting me, cheating on me; the list goes on! I even had a boy turn up at my door with a bag of Tesco cookies saying, ‘I’ve lost interest’ after literally telling me the night before he was in love with me and I met his family! I also had a boy tell me he loved me and then the next day dumped me for someone else he actually text me the other day saying he had made a big mistake. 3 years later? Really?!

Anyway I guess the point of my reply is to tell you to not give up hope. 80% of men are dicks but there are nice guys. After years of tit guys I finally met someone. The amazing part of it is the fact I met him outside a bicycle shop. I went for a walk, walked past this boy who was paying for a bicycle and thought he was cute. I was actually shitting myself but I thought I would go over and just ask for his number. He was so so lovely and actually gave me it We texted for a bit but we never met up so I just forgot about him but still had him on socials. Then 6 months later I went on a last minute night out with my friends and he was just there. He approached me and we laughed about meeting in the street all those months before. Turns out he had never stopped thinking about me but just never messaged. 2 years later and we have a flat and a dog and he’s 100% the love of my life. I guess what I’m trying to say is DO NOT GIVE UP!

And please remember that dating apps are tit and not all guys use them. The one for you could be in your local Tesco! Get out there and approach. If I hadn’t approached my boyfriend that day, I’d still be single. He’s changed my life and reminded me that there really are amazing guys out there, (Just few).

 

[mozzarellagirl]

If you aren’t @EndofInfluencers

clinginess in men is a turn-off because it usually signifies bigger problems down the line (low self-esteem, attachment issues, jealousy and so on)

and potentially being manipulative and controlling!

 

[Fledgling Psycho]

I have a date on Saturday, my first of the year. Not sure how it's going to go down tbh, he seems a bit shallow, like always talking about the types he goes for and it's always lookswise. But we'll see!

He already sounds like a complete waste of time and head space! Nevertheless I wish you luck and hope he's worthy of a few hours of your time.

 

[Kitty kat 20]

He already sounds like a complete waste of time and head space! Nevertheless I wish you luck and hope he's worthy of a few hours of your time.

If it was me I would cancel because it's already a bad sign and I've noticed if they say stuff like that from the off it's never good.. but of course I wish you luck.

 

[D2them]

morning all, does anyone have experience of trauma bonding and how they got over it? I'm really really struggling and I think this is the crux of my problem. Thank you x

 

[itsnotmereally]

morning all, does anyone have experience of trauma bonding and how they got over it? I'm really really struggling and I think this is the crux of my problem. Thank you x

My heart goes out to you as it’s not a great place to be, however what is good is you recognising it. I’m still working on mine from last year. I am ‘fortunate’ enough that to be having professional help and working with woman’s aid (you can get referrals from your GP, potentially). I can slowly, slowly feel them breaking. There’s a great Narc support group on FB, women only, who offer amazing advice.
Take care of yourself and ignore anyone who says ‘just get over it’, this person has basically rewired your brain and their handy work needs to be corrected xx

 

[harveydean]

I have a date on Saturday, my first of the year. Not sure how it's going to go down tbh, he seems a bit shallow, like always talking about the types he goes for and it's always lookswise. But we'll see!

If you’ve got nothing better to do (and he’s going to pay) then go and get a free meal…. Personally, if I had doubts I’d rather keep my sanity and stay home!

 

[tomato_paste]

Got this from a friend today, made me laugh

 

[D2them]

My heart goes out to you as it’s not a great place to be, however what is good is you recognising it. I’m still working on mine from last year. I am ‘fortunate’ enough that to be having professional help and working with woman’s aid (you can get referrals from your GP, potentially). I can slowly, slowly feel them breaking. There’s a great Narc support group on FB, women only, who offer amazing advice.
Take care of yourself and ignore anyone who says ‘just get over it’, this person has basically rewired your brain and their handy work needs to be corrected xx

Thanks for your reply! It's mad, we split 8 months ago and I'm still thinking about him every single day. And I'm still feeling I'm the one who was in the wrong! I just want to move on but something is holding me back x

 

[Fledgling Psycho]

Thanks for your reply! It's mad, we split 8 months ago and I'm still thinking about him every single day. And I'm still feeling I'm the one who was in the wrong! I just want to move on but something is holding me back x

The important thing is to know it will pass and no amount of you chastising yourself will help. I'm three years on from a very hurtful break up and still he crosses my mind daily. It's no longer about who was right or wrong or what did I do, but kind of oh that happened and now it feels ok. After a couple of weeks I never mentioned it to anyone in real life and I think that helps. You just nurse yourself better and then you can live with the memory. It just takes more time than we'd like. All the best.

 

[Captainmouse]

 

[Kimmylookatme]

I’ve got v limited battery so can’t scroll back to find who it was but curious to know outcome of what happened with the chat re Australia and going long distance? Hope it went well!