Cancel the date. 100%I have a date Tuesday and I'm not actually looking forward to itthe only Amber flag I have is he seems to feel like he's entitled to my time. I don't think he understands between being a single mum and working I don't have much free time
Should I cancel?
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based purely on what you say here, you’re not looking forward to it and you’re already concerned about the demands he’s putting on your time. like al says above, that will only get worse. cancel it.I have a date Tuesday and I'm not actually looking forward to it
Should I cancel?
Your first sentence provides enough evidence that you need to cancel - let alone what then comes after it. There is also no need to feel bad, guilty or justify your choices!I have a date Tuesday and I'm not actually looking forward to it
Should I cancel?
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@nothanksbabes how are you?
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@mozzarellagirl Thanks for askingYour first sentence provides enough evidence that you need to cancel - let alone what then comes after it. There is also no need to feel bad, guilty or justify your choices!
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@nothanksbabes how are you?
. Not fab. Everything that's gone on has triggered a lifetime of tit I thought I'd put to bed. I'm in a fairly constant panic my friends are going to block me and disappear now, it's pretty lonely. Not really fair on them but it just seems to be what happens to me. I suspect they'd be better off without me the mood I'm in. Feels pathetic that one person can create a sense of total hopelessness in my life and alter my entire outlook but he's managed it. Therapist doesn't seem to get it. Trying to do stuff and be normal but if anything I feel worse. I just think if someone who loved me so much I'd hear him talking in his *sleep* about it can do this then there's no bloody hope everyone isn't just going to drop me. I now know he sent something very personal I'd sent him to his ex wife, I don't know if they were having a laugh at my expense or what. I feel very forgettable and ashamed and sad and not sure how to get past it. I wish I was a more resilient person but I've had the tit kicked out of me over the last few years and I can't see life getting better.
Sorry not a very cheerful update to the thread. I hope you're doing OK
genuinely, from my heart, you need to tell the person who is sending you these details to STOP. you mentioned in one of your last updates that someone had been telling you details about what he and his ex are doing now and that you have mutual friends, is this the same person who is telling you he was sharing personal details with her? they may think they’re helping but they’re not and you need to politely tell them to stop giving you this info. it’s going to drive you mad.@mozzarellagirl Thanks for asking
Feels pathetic that one person can create a sense of total hopelessness in my life and alter my entire outlook but he's managed it. Therapist doesn't seem to get it. Trying to do stuff and be normal but if anything I feel worse. I just think if someone who loved me so much I'd hear him talking in his *sleep* about it can do this then there's no bloody hope everyone isn't just going to drop me. I now know he sent something very personal I'd sent him to his ex wife, I don't know if they were having a laugh at my expense or what. I feel very forgettable and ashamed and sad and not sure how to get past it. I wish I was a more resilient person but I've had the tit kicked out of me over the last few years and I can't see life getting better.
Sorry not a very cheerful update to the thread. I hope you're doing OK
your feelings are valid and understandable. be gentle with yourself and give yourself time. but you cannot keep torturing yourself with details of what he used to do and say, or being told what he’s up to now.
It’s been a somewhat disheartening first week back on the apps. I cropped the second picture so you can’t see his face so it’s not as clear now, but he’s sitting on a toilet naked! 
Earlier today I was talking to someone who asked me about my job, & when I asked him what he did he said ‘tried to start up a shoe cleaning business once but it didn’t take off so nowt lol.’ If I didn’t laugh I’d cry!
Earlier today I was talking to someone who asked me about my job, & when I asked him what he did he said ‘tried to start up a shoe cleaning business once but it didn’t take off so nowt lol.’ If I didn’t laugh I’d cry! Attachments
Good griefIt’s been a somewhat disheartening first week back on the apps. I cropped the second picture so you can’t see his face so it’s not as clear now, but he’s sitting on a toilet naked!
I've cut contact with everyone who isn't a friend of mine in their own right and deleted the little social media I had. We move in the same circles though so I'm gonna have to avoid stuff to not bump into him. I think he just thought I'd disappear somehow, like I'd cease to exist for his convenience.
Ultimately he's unearthed a load of issues I previously thought resolved, that aren't about him, and even my therapist is like, "not sure what we're going to do about this", so... I don't know. I'm not sure what someone's supposed to do when they've run out of hope for anything. I used to be fun and outgoing and optimistic.
I used to have a fwb situation with a pleasant, funny, good looking guy and he's on my case to meet up. It looks like that might be the best I'm ever getting at this point but I can't bring myself to go back to that life either even though I might actually die of loneliness.
I was having a sad day yesterday and today (sad over the last guy I was dating and thinking ill not find someone) but went to gym instead of downloading the apps again. Felt a tiny bit better but after seeing your post, I feel a million times betterIt’s been a somewhat disheartening first week back on the apps. I cropped the second picture so you can’t see his face so it’s not as clear now, but he’s sitting on a toilet naked!
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As bad as it sounds, everything your feeling is absolutely normal. You’re grieving the life you had and also the life you continued to think you’d have.
I obviously don’t know what things it’s brought back up but that’s really tit by your therapist in my opinion. Your emotions are all over the place at the minute so don’t make any firm mind set changes - you will get back to being outgoing and optimistic.
I think you should avoid a FWB situation and the apps, you’re not emotionally ready for that. You are worthy of more than a FWB situation if that isn’t what you want for yourself (I know this is what some people are happy with). It’s still all very fresh so just give yourself time.
As I said, it’s like grief...it probably won’t ever go away but every day you will learn to live with it.
unlike grief, after some time, you’ll likely start realising how YOU made the good parts, good, not him. Don’t be so hard on yourself x
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Glad I could be of service!I was having a sad day yesterday and today (sad over the last guy I was dating and thinking ill not find someone) but went to gym instead of downloading the apps again. Felt a tiny bit better but after seeing your post, I feel a million times better
When I was swiping last night & I actually found myself thinking that if this is all that is available, I’d be 100% better off single. That kind of thinking is progress for me, but it does make me sad - I want to meet someone nice. Why doesn’t that seem to exist anymore?
it’s natural to grieve the life you thought you would have with him. it is also natural for a breakup to unearth long buried issues and insecurities. it’s also natural to think that your current mood will never change (although i can pretty much promise you that it will eventually).
avoiding him honestly sounds the best course of action tbh. it isn’t fair for people to be telling you stuff and it isn’t fair on yourself to be analysing the details etc if you did see him.
if i may speak out of turn, you don’t in any way sound ready for a FWB situation. you are not in the right frame of mind for it. your speaking of yourself in the past tense, and the idea that you will die from loneliness, is natural but something that you must break out of. i’m sorry your therapist dismissed you like that as i really think you need to be talking this through with a professional. your old self is not gone. she was YOU and the part of you that made her is still there, just very dormant at the moment.
I used to be fine with fwb stuff, or I convinced myself I was, but even though this ex has ended things awfully, he raised the bar for how I expect to be treated day to day so high. Too high. He really looked after me, I never had to ask for a thing.
Before him I sort of built a personality around being a bit of a femme fatale shag-them-and-leave-them because I'd been treated so badly before (controlling ex, abusive ex, another sudden disappearance, a bloke who neglected to mention his wife and children...) I decided to just play them at their own game. I just can't believe any of them are decent so maybe a bit of company and then leaving is the only way to not be celibate. You're both right though, I doubt I can ever do it again.
I must be nice and fun to be around because I have friends who would kill for me, I just can't reconcile how abysmally he handled this, a man well-known for being the nicest bloke everyone knows, with me having not done something wrong.
Had therapy for years because my parents both fucked off and didn't come back when I was months old, among other chaos, so I'm pretty sure I'm permanently fucked now. It's not like I share this with these men either and I'm relatively successful and independent. I dunno. I've never been a pity party person, just cracked on with stuff but there's a limit.
God sorry these are so long. Nowt so boring as other people's misery either. Appreciate the replies x
You must live near me. This is the calibre round here for sureIt’s been a somewhat disheartening first week back on the apps. I cropped the second picture so you can’t see his face so it’s not as clear now, but he’s sitting on a toilet naked!
I am really sorry you're feeling this way currently, and these are moments where I wish I could be a fairy god mother and just make everything right with the flick of a sparkly wand.
It sounds like you were dealt a pretty crappy hand early in life, and the mere fact that you've managed to overcome that, and became a successful and independent person really speaks to the strength that you have.
Have you shared how you are currently feeling with any of your friends? I know how devastating it can be when old and previous trauma rears it's ugly head and it sounds like you could really use a friend right now. It would also be good to make them aware of how you're feeling about your ex, and that you do not want to hear anything about him or his new relationship.
Be kind to yourself, and take it easy.
So I had a really really good first date this weekend. The only problem is we live like four hours away from each other. We matched on a dating app months ago whilst in the same city and then have spoken fairly consistently since. We agreed to get a hotel somewhere halfway and have a date. It’s not something I would usually do but we’d really clicked and it was obvious there would be a spark. Although it could’ve been an intense first date with pressure, it literally wasn’t at all and it felt like we’d known each other forever. It was exactly as it had been online, where we really vibed and didn’t feel awkward at all. We did sleep together (I’ve got no regrets about doing that) and we had said about meeting again that night.
But now I feel a little unsure... I think we both are tbh because the distance is a lot. It’s like we’re both holding back. It’s annoying because if we lived closer there’d be no doubt in my mind that we would just continue seeing one another. But then the other side of it is if it’s worth it and it’s meant to be you’ll make it work. I don’t have any doubts about him (so far obviously) just hesitant to proceed cause of the potential issues that could come up. I’m a massive avoidant
I don’t want to put too much pressure on it and I’m not going to keep asking him to meet again. I feel like I should just see what happens and take it as it comes. What would other people do in this situation? I feel like I’m making a mountain out of a mole hill tbh
But now I feel a little unsure... I think we both are tbh because the distance is a lot. It’s like we’re both holding back. It’s annoying because if we lived closer there’d be no doubt in my mind that we would just continue seeing one another. But then the other side of it is if it’s worth it and it’s meant to be you’ll make it work. I don’t have any doubts about him (so far obviously) just hesitant to proceed cause of the potential issues that could come up. I’m a massive avoidant
I don’t want to put too much pressure on it and I’m not going to keep asking him to meet again. I feel like I should just see what happens and take it as it comes. What would other people do in this situation? I feel like I’m making a mountain out of a mole hill tbh
@1x2x3x4x if nothing else you had a great first date (which is sadly rarer than it should be). My Ex and I lived 4 hours apart for part of our relationship, and the distance did have pluses and minuses. So it's not all negative.
I don't know your situation or how old you are/ if you have children/ if you both have your own places, but all of that is a big factor. My children are adults now, so me travelling 4 hours away for the weekend wasn't an issue. But different and harder to juggle if they were younger.
Basically if you don't have any children, got your own places (by which I just mean not living at home with parents), and no other ties that would make it difficult to be away from home a couple of weekends a month then I would see how it goes.
Undoubtedly keeping a relationship going long distance can be harder - you can't just meet up for spontaneous drinks, or pop round to see the other person if they've had a bad day. But then again I feel like it makes the time you have a bit more special (although as I'm no longer with my Ex, I'm probably not the best advertisement!)
I would say maybe just see what happens/ go with the flow - I am the least go with the flow person so this is a do as I say not as I do kind of advice!
A final thought, is there any chance you will be back in the same area in the future (if one of you has moved temporarily for work etc) as again that can be a factor, being that far apart for a few months is different to indefinitely. Good luck though, and if nothing else you had that great date!
I don't know your situation or how old you are/ if you have children/ if you both have your own places, but all of that is a big factor. My children are adults now, so me travelling 4 hours away for the weekend wasn't an issue. But different and harder to juggle if they were younger.
Basically if you don't have any children, got your own places (by which I just mean not living at home with parents), and no other ties that would make it difficult to be away from home a couple of weekends a month then I would see how it goes.
Undoubtedly keeping a relationship going long distance can be harder - you can't just meet up for spontaneous drinks, or pop round to see the other person if they've had a bad day. But then again I feel like it makes the time you have a bit more special (although as I'm no longer with my Ex, I'm probably not the best advertisement!)
I would say maybe just see what happens/ go with the flow - I am the least go with the flow person so this is a do as I say not as I do kind of advice!
A final thought, is there any chance you will be back in the same area in the future (if one of you has moved temporarily for work etc) as again that can be a factor, being that far apart for a few months is different to indefinitely. Good luck though, and if nothing else you had that great date!
Thanks so much this is great advice! We are both young (late 20s to early 30s) with no children. Neither currently has a home but have deposits saved. My job is also something I can do from any location and I don’t have my heart set on living where I currently am forever. But obviously all of that is quite presumptuous because it’s literally been one date so I don’t want to get carried away
I figured I should venture online whilst the builder makes up his mind, to see what’s out there. Well… I’ll let the screenshots speak for themselves.
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That's really kind of you to say, thank you.
My friends are really supportive, more than I deserve although they don't really get it I don't think. All but two of them have never spent time alone, and the two who have it's for very clear reasons (addiction etc.) and it all just makes me feel like there's something horribly wrong with me. I've isolated myself a bit. My best friend is pregnant and it's not fair on her to have to support me when I should be supporting her, other close mate has a toddler and is renovating a house, another planning a wedding, etc. They all have lives and I'm a net loss to them all to be honest.
I've asked to not hear anything unless it's necessary for me to avoid him. I get to hide away even though I've done nothing wrong.
He's made it impossible to trust anyone. We had a year of perfect dates, holidays, him making a consistent effort for me, telling the world how much he loves me, so proud to be seen with me, all reciprocated, and then not so much as a goodbye. His friends and mine all fooled. I can't believe a word out of anyone's mouth.
I was sparkly and funny and outgoing before. Ex before him just dismantled my self esteem with the odd punch in the face mixed in. I thought I'd finally met a good one. Sorry for hijacking the thread with this sad sack shite.
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Hello I haven't weighted in before but I need to say something:
Yes you're grieving but this isn't healthy. You're spiraling and taking HIS artrocious behaviour and expanding it to all of your friends and family. Stop with the black and white thinking. You brain is lying to you! There is nuance in every facet of life.
Not only is that thinking highly unfair towards your friends, saying you can't trust a word out of anyones mouth, when really the only head has been him. It's also highly toxic and will isolate you from your friends in a time when you need their support.
Also please overthink your stance when you talk about how your friends don't understand. I think it's quite likely they DO understand loss, and I think it's wild that you're putting the non singles down ("they don't get it, they have never been alone") whilst also putting down the friends who are alone ("they have issues like addiction"), and then you're also calling yourself a "net loss". So that's just all around unkindness. Stop that inner dialogue and start being kind to yourself and others.
Trust me here: your friends rather you wake them at 3 in the morning even while pregnant and / or revonvation / having a toddler (so basically just living life) rather than you choosing to go down this path of despair and darkness.
This situation sucks and is super unfair and I assume it has triggered you to the max. From your writing on how you see the situation, it isn't healthy how you're coping with this. Please talk to your therapsit again on how you can stabilise youself. This isn't just regular grief for a relationship, is it.
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