Dating after lockdown #24 they're participation trophies at best

[timtams]

Thank you so much for all the responses, I really appreciate it. I don’t disagree with anything that’s been said. If it was a friend in this situation, I would absolutely be suggesting they end the relationship. I have spoken to him many times about issues, I do believe he cares, but is just unable to meet my needs. He has been trying, and he is getting therapy. He had a very traumatic relationship prior to me, and unbeknownst to me at the time, basically jumped straight from that one to me (I’d been single for ages). So I can see where his behaviour comes from, but it’s just an explanation, not an excuse for it. I don’t know if he can make the changes I would need for it to work even with the therapy, and I also don’t want to be waiting for months/years and nothing changes. Whatever that saying is about ‘you can’t date someone’s potential’ is probably it.

Ive never settled before, I’ve always ended things when they aren’t working. I’ve been single for significant periods of time and although lonely, I’ve survived. I definitely don’t want an unhealthy or unhappy relationship. I guess with him it’s just been more difficult because when I bring up the issues he acknowledges them and has sought help. It’s not enough for me though, I guess because they aren’t minor issues.

Now I just need to work out how and when to have this conversation

 

[Mr Sparkle]

The reason I have both friends on my profile is so that if anyone has slept with/subscribed to friend/s, they hopefully won't match me same reason i have a picture of my promiscuous sister and I on there, as we have similar taste in men and a few times have matched/spoken to the same guy we live in a small town, it's a risky business this dating malarkey


In more exciting news, I've got a date with a fit barman next weekend and we met IRL, not from apps


See I really disagree with the BIB. My friend who does OF is a very good friend, we've been friends for 6 years and she's been with me in my worst times, as have I her. And now she does OF, it doesn't change my opinion about her. People may just as easily see us out together. I'm not gonna not have pics with her or be seen with her because of her career choice.

Same here, my best friend moved to OF when she lost her job and I'd never consider taking her out of dating app pics for that.

 

[Thank(space)you]

I don't have my settings local to me, seems to solve my problem with the small town struggles! (live near enough London to get away with it though)

My nearest city is just over 30 miles away

 

[1x2x3x4x]

Another first date yesterday afternoon, another ghosting quicker and more brutal in a way than the others by a man I wasn’t even interested in I only text him to ask if he got home okay to be polite and he couldn’t even respond to that! Maybe I should lead with the rejection in the first message next time so it doesn’t end up feeling like I got ghosted another bullet dodged but my god is it exhausting to not even be owed a little decency or respect by these little fuckboys. I never remember things being this bad in the past. These apps have absolutely ruined dating.

 

[Snackella]

Hi all! I hope you're all well I haven't posted here in a long time, because I haven't been doing any proper dating recently. I keep chatting to the same guys and it never goes anywhere. Last night I was out partying, trying to meet up with this one guy and he rejected me (again). After months of dilly dallying, him asking me out and cancelling last minute, never actually making time I had a BIG breakdown. I actually did block him when I was angry and then I just got sad and unblocked.

I am big dum dum and big sad today

 

[harveydean]

Hi all I’ve been following these threads for a while. I’m on the apps (only joined again a couple of weeks ago) and I e been chatting to a really lovely guy (well they all seem that way don’t they?) Anyway we were meant to go out today but his son had an accident earlier this week and ended in hospital. We put a rain check on today (my suggestion) but we’ve not rearranged anything since. We’ve been chatting lots, it just hasn’t come up. Should I mention it, or knock it on the head? I’d rather meet than chat for weeks. Thoughts?

 

[Sandor]

Hi all I’ve been following these threads for a while. I’m on the apps (only joined again a couple of weeks ago) and I e been chatting to a really lovely guy (well they all seem that way don’t they?) Anyway we were meant to go out today but his son had an accident earlier this week and ended in hospital. We put a rain check on today (my suggestion) but we’ve not rearranged anything since. We’ve been chatting lots, it just hasn’t come up. Should I mention it, or knock it on the head? I’d rather meet than chat for weeks. Thoughts?

honestly, the more seasoned among us would be wondering if he was being honest if it weren’t for your suggestion. As you did the rain check maybe he’s waiting for you to rearrange?

—

I matched with someone I really liked but all he keeps asking for is pics. I just can’t be bothered. I’ve had a weekend in loungewear with a face mask on half the time. I have no mirror so it’s not like he can get a full length of me there’s loads on my profile, recent etc. I get wanting to know I’m not a catfish but the couple of selfies should be enough?

 

[Amyx1518]

Date number 2 this afternoon, dreading it lol I just feel like I can’t be bothered! What’s wrong with me?! Haha

 

[harveydean]

@Sandor I know what you mean - I don’t trust men at all but this was days in advance so I think I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt I didn’t think about me rearranging - I just assumed he should?

 

[EddyDarling]

Hi all I’ve been following these threads for a while. I’m on the apps (only joined again a couple of weeks ago) and I e been chatting to a really lovely guy (well they all seem that way don’t they?) Anyway we were meant to go out today but his son had an accident earlier this week and ended in hospital. We put a rain check on today (my suggestion) but we’ve not rearranged anything since. We’ve been chatting lots, it just hasn’t come up. Should I mention it, or knock it on the head? I’d rather meet than chat for weeks. Thoughts?

Suggest it. If he puts it off again cut your losses.

 

[harveydean]

Suggest it. If he puts it off again cut your losses.

You speak sense! Thank you

 

[Sandor]

@Sandor I know what you mean - I don’t trust men at all but this was days in advance so I think I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt I didn’t think about me rearranging - I just assumed he should?

I think the general etiquette is if you’re the one who delays the date you should offer the alternative. I understand it was for his circumstance but he might still be thinking like that? Maybe you could do it in a more laidback way, like ‘so when shall we do <insert whatever it was you were going to do>?’

 

[harveydean]

I think the general etiquette is if you’re the one who delays the date you should offer the alternative. I understand it was for his circumstance but he might still be thinking like that? Maybe you could do it in a more laidback way, like ‘so when shall we do <insert whatever it was you were going to do>?’

Thank you. I don’t know what the etiquette is so I really appreciate it!

On the upside, I have a couple of other dates lined up for the week. The last time I was on the apps I met my bf (it was an easy meet with no games) so now it’s wading through the batshittery!

 

[sofipbn]

Hey ladies!
Update on the guy I’m seeing -if anyone remembers he’s the one that I told you about was going on holiday to Mexico for a couple of weeks.
We’ve been chatting everyday, there’s been a few days when we barely speak but I was expecting that because well, he’s on vacation, there’s a time difference, he loses wifi, etc.
Last night he called me and we spoke, and it was weird. I told him a few things about my new gym coach (a man), and a new group of people I’m speaking to, just to tell him something about what’s new here. And then he told me that he went out the night before (he told me he was doing this) and when he was on his way to the hotel, he ended up going to another bar with 2 women from our country he met waiting for a cab.
I don’t get it. I don’t know if he said that to make me feel jealous or because he was jealous or insecure about my new coach or the people I’ve met, or why. A few hours later I texted him if we were ok (because I felt weird af) and he said “I don’t get a few things you do” and that he was feeling a bit off.
Today he’s going on an island tour so we won’t be speaking until the evening so I said to him that we would speak when we can.
I just feel sad. I miss him so much and I don’t want things to be weird, especially with him being so far away. I don’t know if we both got jealous or the distance is getting the best of us.

 

[Bianca Del Rio]

@sofipbn Was the call weird before you told him about the gym coach and the new friendship group, or was that the turning point?

 

[sofipbn]

@sofipbn Was the call weird before you told him about the gym coach and the new friendship group, or was that the turning point?

It wasn’t like it usually is, I mean, the vibe was a bit different from the start, I think it’s because we didn’t speak much yesterday, but it definitely changed after what I told him.

 

[Kimmylookatme]

It wasn’t like it usually is, I mean, the vibe was a bit different from the start, I think it’s because we didn’t speak much yesterday, but it definitely changed after what I told him.

It sounds like he’s feeling as insecure as you are, which could either be seen as a little bit red flaggy and jealous (I say that as someone who is also super insecure!) or an indicator that you both just really want this to work and care about each other a lot… I’m not wise enough to know which but I’m sure someone else here is!

 

[Fledgling Psycho]

I'm hopeless at giving advice but here are my thoughts. The guy who says his son had an accident, well if it's true (sorry Miss Cynical here) let him make the arrangements. @sofipbn it sounds like you're both trying to prove something here re having options. My advice is be mysterious. Don't share too much. I'm sure that's rubbish advice though. The whole thing is a minefield.

 

[Kimmylookatme]

honestly, the more seasoned among us would be wondering if he was being honest if it weren’t for your suggestion. As you did the rain check maybe he’s waiting for you to rearrange?

—

I matched with someone I really liked but all he keeps asking for is pics. I just can’t be bothered. I’ve had a weekend in loungewear with a face mask on half the time. I have no mirror so it’s not like he can get a full length of me there’s loads on my profile, recent etc. I get wanting to know I’m not a catfish but the couple of selfies should be enough?

These ‘more pics’ ones piss me off… just comes across sleazy and weird and turns me off people who otherwise seemed ok.

Same here, my best friend moved to OF when she lost her job and I'd never consider taking her out of dating app pics for that.

How are things with you @Mr Sparkle ?

 

[Fledgling Psycho]

Yes when I first went on the apps I was bombarded with requests for more pictures (eg. Boobs & genitals) and when refused was treated to a picture of their happy ending. Just gross.