Dating after lockdown #24 they're participation trophies at best

[MsCurly]

I have a little update on the builder

After our casual get together two weeks ago I hadn't heard from him, so initially I was a bit disappointed. However, he finally reached out on Friday asking me if I wanted to do something on Sunday. I decided to accept, and told myself I'd play it cool and to not be too bothered by him not reaching out earlier. I decided to draw inspiration from the hallmark movies, and I live in a religious rural area where everything is closed on Sunday, so we couldn't really go out to a restaurant or anything. We ended up baking cookies at his house and playing some board games together. I figured baking cookies would give me enough time to just straight up ask him why he hadn't reached out earlier and where he thinks this is going. I wanted to know because I definitely thought there was something between us, but that he'd just been too polite or scared to make a move.
So, Sunday rolls around and we're having a lovely time baking together. It took me a while before I had enough courage to ask him what I wanted to ask, but eventually I did. The poor guy dropped an egg, went beet red and went dead silent. I think the silence lasted at least 3 whole minutes, and it felt like an eternity. I swear I could hear the clock ticking and it made me SO nervous. I was already kicking myself for ruining all of my chances.

He explained that he wanted to reach out earlier, but that he was convinced I just wanted to be friends because I hadn't made a move! He thought he'd been fully friend zoned already.
And here I was, thinking I was all smooth and sexy, giving hints the signs of neon ads in Times Square, but noooooooo. I felt like such an idiot. I really am the Karl Pilkington of dating sometimes.

We ended up clearing the air and it turns out he's a pretty good kisser.

 

[LaBlonde]

Reminds me of the time I went on a date and he picked me up and swung me around and told me I definitely wasn’t a catfish

i appreciate your posts but, honestly, how did a conversation expressing deep insecurities about meeting someone in person remind you of a time that a date was so blown away by how attractive you were in real life that they had to pick you up

@Peppermint Tea - i can only reiterate @xcyber and their beautiful advice above. men come and go, any changes should be made for yourself and how YOU feel about yourself. mindset is everything and the apps can be brutal: make sure that you feel ready to meet before you actually do. apps are shallow but not everyone on there will be, i promise. don’t put too much pressure on yourself x

 

[LaBlonde]

Hmm what do we think? Didn’t turn up for scheduled time of 8.30, left me sitting alone at gin bar. Assumed ghosted but then got a message apologising and saying had a work thing.
Personally I think should have made a bit more of an effort to contact me, shows a bit of a lack of consideration? Was online so maybe seen messages pop up but perhaps didn’t have time to reply

wait so you were meeting at 8:30, he knew this, knew you would be waiting and messaged almost an hour and a half later with a vague “oh sorry, work thing”?!

that’s not a bit of a lack of consideration, that’s an absolute truck load. what does he do for work? it takes nothing to send a quick “i can’t make it sorry” especially if he was showing as online. that type of can’t be bothered-ness on a first date (i’m guessing) is a nope. he didn’t even really apologise for you waiting on your own for so long.

 

[Sprottish]

Oh my god. So I went on a few dates with a guy over the last 3-4 weeks. He invited me over. I parked up, it’s a small block of flats. The front door is completely smashed. There’s a guy sat outside one of the doors inside smoking weed. The guy I dated opens the door and doesn’t even act like this is anything abnormal. I go in and honestly, I’ve never seen anything like it. It stank of piss. It was absolutely filthy. Like the toilet was brown. Also, he didn’t have any lightbulbs in any room. There was one in the hallway, and that’s it. He used his phone torch to light his way through. I couldn’t hide my horror. His “office” was like a uni student halls. Every wall was covered in posters or photos, including the ceiling. The carpet was thick with grime, and one room he didn’t use because it was “horrible” I didn’t dare to look at what was festering in there. His bed was basically a pile of 3 mattresses on top of the other and the duvet stank like it hadn’t been washed in years. This is a 40 year old man. I’m absolutely traumatised hahahaha. I made a swift exit and have since told him I don’t see it going anywhere. I really toyed with the idea of telling him that he needs to get his act together and sort his flat out but decided against it. Also, he struck me as being quite depressive so I didn’t want to be cruel if he’s actually suffering. But yeah, an absolute swift dealbreaker from me.

 

[MsCurly]

So I’ve braved the apps. It’s going well.

I absolutely love your response

I have another update on the builder. We ran into each other at the supermarket yesterday and he spontaneously invited me over for dinner after I complained about having no idea what to cook. We ended up cooking together and it was very nice. He's very easy to talk to and he makes me feel very comfortable. So far everything is purely platonic, which I appreciate because I usually take a while before I truly warm up to someone. When we walked back to mine (he insisted on walking me home) I sensed he was debating whether to kiss me or not, but he didn't, so maybe next time. We haven't made plans for the next date yet, and I didn't want to seem too eager, so I haven't reached out to him yet. I've told myself to keep calm and not get too excited about everything, but so far he seems quite lovely!

 

[mozzarellagirl]

Hi everyone!

I've been reading all your stories and experiences for so long now and I wanted to join in. I love the support and understanding in this chat, it's really refreshing and feels safe.

So recently I joined dating apps to basically teach myself how to casually date. I am an anxious dater, have an anxious attatchment so before I've even worked out if I like the guy I'm stressing whether he likes me?! It's exhausting and I want to learn how to have a few guys in rotation (absolutely no sex btw) and learn how to objectively date and take a step back and see what they can offer and add to my life, if they're worthy of my time etc rather then omg does he fancy me does he like me back omg he hasn't replied (because honestly most guys i've liked, haven't had anything special about them lol it was my anxious attachment putting them on a pedestal)

It came about after I met a guy I really liked over the summer and he made me feel like shit, super anxious and I cried over him but really... LOL he aint shit, he's not even my type, he can't communicate and he flat out told me he didn't use body wash and he's basically bald at 25

Anyways, I made a hinge and bumble account on tuesday. I just came home from my first date through hinge. We met at 8, went for drinks and I left at 1 I think? I feel slightly blue as he didn't kiss me or try to and wasn't very touchy and didn't ask about seeing me again.
But either way, I'm reminding myself this isn't what I'm doing it for and really how he feels about me is none of my business nor does it matter. Like HELLO I need to give MYSELF time to work out whether I want to see him again, who cares what he's thinking!

I have a date on Monday with a different guy (also off hinge) and one next saturday (from bumble) and another guy (also bumble) is sorting out a date etc to see me so I'm trying my best to be open but strategic and stick to the rules...

Basic rules are:
•Unmatch if any overly flirtatious / sexual comments come up (one man already made a "joke" about me gagging on his dick made me want to cry it pissed me off and this was like 2 messages in)
•Unmatch when met with arrogance - even just a hint. Ew
•They ask me, properly on a date. No hints or alluding etc. I don't initiate. You ask me out like a grown man (you guys don't have to agree with this rule but it works for me so I will continue it and it works in constrast to my anxious ways of chasing / rushing)
•NO tinder account (the men on there are rancid)
•To ditch the moment it stops being fun and easy for me because that's the point!
•Remain focused on relearning that I am the prize.
•Absolutley no causal sex (doesn't work for me)

Already had some interesting interactions and conversations with men on the apps. God they are boring and such mansplainers lol and they all demand a sense of humour when they don't have one themselves.

So yes back from my date, I don't want to bombard my friends with my dating journey and I feel safe to share with you all. I've been reading and wishing the best for you guys for a while. I hope I'm ok to continue sharing my journey of unlearning anxious attachment.

Sending love I don't know if this made sense but I've had 3 cherry cocktails and Im in need of pasta

 

[harveydean]

So a little update…a few dates in now and we’re spending the day together tomorrow. We’re both off the apps, totally on the same wavelength and literally can not get enough of each other - I’m usually an aloof ice queen and I’m melting!

I’m not sure what’s happening (well I do, we’re totally falling for each other) but it just feels great. After all the time wasters and weirdos, I’ve finally found someone worth melting for!

 

[anonesk223]

Guys I had a good first date!!
He took me to a rooftop bar, then we grabbed pizza and then went to one more bar before I headed home.
He was so lovely, I actually laughed a lot throughout and he was very kind (insisted he paid, waited for my train with me, bought me a bottle of coke for my journey haha).

He mentioned that he’s down near my way again next week if I wanted to do something. He also asked if I’d had a good evening and he said it in a tone of like “yeah?! Absolutely”. Had a good old smooch at the end too haha!

He texted me after saying he had a really nice evening. I’m trying not to get my hopes up but I had a really nice time anyway!

 

[MsCurly]

I listened to you all and did not go home early!
However, when I arrived he was still working and came up to the gate straight away for a little chat. I offered him a cup of tea and we had a little stroll through the garden and he asked loads of questions about the little orchard we have and asked if he could take some of our apples home. He was very polite, but definitely flirtatious! I think we talked for around 40 minutes and he would touch my arm every now and then when he was making a joke. When I told him I had to go on with my day he thanked me for the tea and chat and said he'd hopefully see me around.
I'm not really sure what to make of it, because I obviously don't know him or know much about him (I'll do some digging later) but all in all I am just happy I had a lovely chat with a charming guy today. I've noticed that online dating has really changed my outlook on men and how to approach them, so I'm relieved to know there are still polite men to be found in the wild. Part of me regrets that I wasn't more flirtatious or courageous enough to give him my number, but maybe I will work up the courage tomorrow. And if not, then that's fine too.

 

[Mr Sparkle]

How are things with you @Mr Sparkle ?

Things are really good with me! I started dating a new guy from Hinge in May, just after being messed around by a noncommittal guy before that, and was planning to ditch the apps for a bit if it didn't work out. I wasn't sure how it'd go because his profile was a little scant, but he had good chat when we matched so I thought I may as well just go for a coffee and see what he's like.

Thank F*** I went on this date because it's been the happiest few months of dating/adventures I've ever had. He is the most caring person I've ever dated, shares the same sense of humour, and we've both expressed that this last few months has felt "different" to any of our previous relationships, in the best way. At no point has his behaviour made me second-guess myself or feel insecure which has been a breath of fresh air. It's all felt easy!

So, I deffo endorse Hinge as the dating app of choice!!

 

[LaBlonde]

it has come to my attention that i never updated you about my date as i am here, on my home from the second one.

i have to say, tattle lovelies, that i think i might like him a bit?! he isn’t my usual type but he’s very invested in me and remembers my interests and little concerns that i have and on the second date i sorta looked at him differently than i did in the first - i don’t know, it’s promising? if that’s not an old fashioned word to use

 

[LaBlonde]

in a frankly bizarre turn of events i have been talking to a guy for a week who - seems interested in me, replies quickly and remembers things we’ve talked about before, appears to be a decent person, owns an adorable dog. i’m not sure if he’s entirely my type physically based on photos but am prepared to meet in person and find out! i really wanted to go on at least one date this year to fully get over so i’m hopeful this one happens

 

[harveydean]

@Belle123 I’m so glad you’re nipping this in the bud. He wants to get laid, end of. Fab if that’s what you want, but you want more and deserve more and there’s no chance he’s going to give that to you.

I had my Wednesday night date last night. Holy shit. It was ridiculously amazing, like perfection. I’ve never felt so right with someone, we were both like omg what’s going on here? We just sat there staring at each other We ended the night with an hour’s worth of voice notes when we got home and he said although there’s no pressure for me to come off apps, he’s going to as he has no intention of looking elsewhere. I’m usually on absolute high alert (as you’ve seen from my past posts, I have dealings with a narcissist) but these are true intentions. He’s had therapy, he’s done the work, he’s so in tune and willing, I actually can’t believe I’ve found a unicorn - I have male friends like him, but I’ve never had one for myself. He said himself that we need time to process what’s just happened, but man, it feels GOOD! Like properly aligned. Healthy questioning (on both sides) but no nonsense (like Mr 5 dates and his lack of commitment and cuckholding.) Who knows how long it’s going to last, but right now it’s fucking fabulous and I’m rolling with it!

 

[Clickbait]

So the guy who’s come back… tried sexting last night. I played along for a bit, to see what he would do and he did have the decency to seek consent before I got a pic of him, which was a plus but, overall, I’m so disappointed in him. At least we’ve met, and he’s not some random stranger, but we’ve still only met once. I don’t want to be his fling.

I knew he fancied me, but he must be able to get easier action closer to home? He lives in a city FFS. Then again, there’s a good chance that is happening. I’ve wondered why he’s disregarding what I’ve said I’m looking for and it’s of course because most men see what they want and they just pursue it - they don’t actually care about you and what you say to them about what you want. He knows I’m looking for more than a fling. He knows I’m serious. He knows I’ve acted honestly and with integrity over explaining where I’m at with things, and yet here we are with another man trying to have his cake and eat it. I do fancy him and we clicked well on our date, but now I feel like pulling the plug for my sake. He’s made a thing about the distance between us and that he’s not sure he wants a serious relationship. Of course he’s unsure and keeping me at arm’s length. The man is in a transition in his life. It doesn’t mean he won’t get into a relationship, but the idea of it right now must make him freak out a bit. He and his wife apparently argued a lot and he left. Relationships must seem like unhappy places to him right now, and he’s understandably being selfish with his needs. I told him before I am the wrong woman for him while he’s in this stage, yet he still came back

Out of curiosity, would any of you actually be flattered and see it as a natural way to feel each other out for more? Or does sexting early doors always lead to a fling and not a genuinely good relationship? Be interesting to hear about experiences!

It is to your credit that you spend so much time trying to put yourself in the man’s shoes and surmising how he must be feeling/thinking because of what you’ve been told about past relationships, but it also seems to make you question yourself and put up with essentially being messed around.

I remember the last guy going through a divorce who was still active on dating sites but you tried to persevere with making excuses for him. Now this guy is also in the middle of a divorce, told you he didn’t want to see you again and he probably didn’t want more kids (which is pretty much a certain no) who then pops up again to backtrack, likely because he fancies you, has realised the honesty approach wasn’t going to get him laid and so takes a different tack. The sexting is the flashing neon sign showing his intentions, and he already has the get out of jail free card if you ask for too much of him or he changes his mind: he’s going through a divorce, you live too far away, he doesn’t want more kids and you might.

For what it’s worth I don’t think you can be disappointed in him for attempting the sexting because you were an active participant even if only “playing along” - if he cock bombed you or coerced you it may be different. You can however be disappointed that he’s showed his hand and confirmed that he is just looking for sex.

I often feel that you give beautiful, eloquent, and well thought out advice but you never seem to take it yourself. I wish you would. I think it would stop you ending up in these romantic cul-de-sacs.

 

[Clementine]

the only thing high in his capabilities is his audacity...

Next thread title.

 

[itsnotmereally]

This tip may come in handy…

 

[LaBlonde]

@Thelakes - it’s a no from me.

i have to break this down again:

- he felt the need to tell you that his friends all think she likes him romantically. why? what did he think he would gain by telling you this?
- he was stalking a girl he remembers from school while on a date with you and again felt the need to tell you this. and then got offended when you reacted like anyone else would.

i don’t get why he’s telling you these things (likewise about her fiancé not liking him). is he trying to get a rise out of you? either way, i don’t like it. he is obviously aware that aspects of this friendship have blurred lines within it, that other people have commented on, and i don’t know if maybe he thinks telling you all these details is easier to have it out in the open but i would be wary. the random looking up of a school friend when you were together is also weird, as was his reaction to your joke.

 

[Lalla]

Sorry I have to disagree. I think it's often as simple as that there are very, very, few decent attractive (in any sense) men 'out there' particularly on dating sites and apps. There are a lot of men on there who are, chancers, players, liars, fuckwits of every shape and size though, some aren't even single.

It makes little odds what approach you take, because you can't change the available pool to make it contain decent, respectful men with whom there would be a mutual attraction. If those men aren't in the pool, all the positive affirmations and because I'm worth it's aren't going to make a worthwhile man appear.

Back when I was single and actively dating, it was suggested that I gave the wrong impression by my profile and photos, they apparently suggested chavvy party girl rather than senior professional mother of 2. So I toned down the hair and make up, dressed more demurely. And still got messages like 'I bet you go like a barn door in a gale' etc. Or the more to the point 'suck my dick'.

These men knew nothing about me. I was a photo on a screen who they chose to objectify. I deleted and blocked as soon as something like that happened, but I wasn't responsible for them messaging me in the first place. If you're encountering men on apps they don't know what you're projecting, you can't get that from a Tinder photo or some blurb (and 95% of men never read a profile anyway). Ending up in one bad relationship after another, yes maybe there's time for reflection. But finding you only get messages from, or asked on dates by, guys you reject for good reason, I think that's just indicative of the standard of much of what's out there. Maybe some of those disrespectful men can be weeded out from the first message, some may not show their true colours until slightly further along. Others maybe don't demonstrate their lack of respect until you turn up for the date and they fail to show.

Knowing your worth is just knowing the point at which to cut them off, it's not about being able to prevent those interactions by somehow projecting something different or special, that's not how life works!

 

[Bianca Del Rio]

Oh I detest that, “I’m sorry I’ve hit a nerve”. It’s somewhere up there with “I’m sorry you’ve taken it that way” or “I’m sorry you’re upset”. It’s insincere, and a really sly way of making you feel like you’re the problem, not his wrecking ball approach to courtship. Listen to your gut on this one Belle, he sounds like a massive creep.

 

[mozzarellagirl]

going on a second date tonight ladies. am back in the game! wish me luck, i will report back 🥹