Dating after lockdown #24 they're participation trophies at best

[mozzarellagirl]

Is anyone else bi? I don’t have it on any profiles but i must be making it obvious somehow because I keep matching with people who clock it and then want to know if I’ll join them snd their FWB for a threesome. Anyone else experienced that?

It’s one of the things that’s never appealed to me, largely because I don’t like my sexuality being treated as a plaything.

Me. I matched with this woman recently and then she said "me and my husband" ... oh so you're looking for a sex accessory for your failing relationship / sex life. What makes me feel sick is how they search for us like we only have one purpose. Threesomes and casual sex.

It's the assumption that BECAUSE we are bi, we'll fancy anyone, we don't have any standards and we'll just duck whatever gf/bf they pull out the woodwork.

I only put it in on my profile if it's on a gay app or it's only visible to women bc for me, men have been hideous. The extent of it with women is just them having the audacity to ask. But men, they take that tit so far. Even in person (beyond the DMs) on dates, the comments and questions I get are just horrific. I have to keep my sexuality secret on dates now until I know they are safe enough to share it. So bleeping sad.

(And in general tbh as a bi woman, you get asked questions a straight, gay or lesbian person would never be asked)

Rambled a bit, didn't mean to derail but it's sensitive topic to me for obvious reasons.

 

[Sandor]

Me. I matched with this woman recently and then she said "me and my husband" ... oh so you're looking for a sex accessory for your failing relationship / sex life. What makes me feel sick is how they search for us like we only have one purpose. Threesomes and casual sex.

It's the assumption that BECAUSE we are bi, we'll fancy anyone, we don't have any standards and we'll just duck whatever gf/bf they pull out the woodwork.

I only put it in on my profile if it's on a gay app or it's only visible to women bc for me, men have been hideous. The extent of it with women is just them having the audacity to ask. But men, they take that tit so far. Even in person (beyond the DMs) on dates, the comments and questions I get are just horrific. I have to keep my sexuality secret on dates now until I know they are safe enough to share it. So bleeping sad.

(And in general tbh as a bi woman, you get asked questions a straight, gay or lesbian person would never be asked)

Rambled a bit, didn't mean to derail but it's sensitive topic to me for obvious reasons.

Thank you for sharing. It’s so hard, isn’t it? I’ve experienced the questions too, which is why I’ve stopped sharing it, to both. Men go woohoo, women accuse me of questioning because I was married to man for so long. I’m just at a loss as to how they’re calling it anyway.

 

[timtams]

I hope it’s ok for me to post, I was in these threads ages ago when I was online dating, and have been following again lately. I met someone online and we’ve been together 14 months. But I just feel like it’s not working. I think he’s emotionally unavailable, or he just doesn’t give a tit. He’s not a bad person, but I don’t feel any closer to him than when we met emotionally. There is also no affection. He also doesn’t put effort in, eg I organised a whole thing for his birthday with gifts and activities on the day, plus a separate weekend away. For mine he did buy me a gift, but also got angry at me on the day and made me cry and hung up the phone on me and we didn’t end up doing anything. He messages me that he loves me and misses me etc when we don’t see each other, but his words and actions don’t match up.

When we met I’d done a lot of work on myself and was in a good place. Now I’m just unhappy, down on myself, and really really struggling. A small part of me is like online dating is crap, he’s ok, just put up with it and keep it going. But mostly I just feel like I need to end this asap, it’s not working, I’m unhappy, none of my needs are being met, and my self-esteem is worse than ever before.

Im sure it seems like a no brained to other people reading this. It’s just hard for me to actually do it though. An added complication for me is that he’s spent time with my child, who will miss him and ask about him, and that upsets me plus, I’ve gained a lot of weight from the unhappiness, and I think I’ll be alone forever.

 

[EddyDarling]

I hope it’s ok for me to post, I was in these threads ages ago when I was online dating, and have been following again lately. I met someone online and we’ve been together 14 months. But I just feel like it’s not working. I think he’s emotionally unavailable, or he just doesn’t give a tit. He’s not a bad person, but I don’t feel any closer to him than when we met emotionally. There is also no affection. He also doesn’t put effort in, eg I organised a whole thing for his birthday with gifts and activities on the day, plus a separate weekend away. For mine he did buy me a gift, but also got angry at me on the day and made me cry and hung up the phone on me and we didn’t end up doing anything. He messages me that he loves me and misses me etc when we don’t see each other, but his words and actions don’t match up.

When we met I’d done a lot of work on myself and was in a good place. Now I’m just unhappy, down on myself, and really really struggling. A small part of me is like online dating is crap, he’s ok, just put up with it and keep it going. But mostly I just feel like I need to end this asap, it’s not working, I’m unhappy, none of my needs are being met, and my self-esteem is worse than ever before.

Im sure it seems like a no brained to other people reading this. It’s just hard for me to actually do it though. An added complication for me is that he’s spent time with my child, who will miss him and ask about him, and that upsets me plus, I’ve gained a lot of weight from the unhappiness, and I think I’ll be alone forever.

He sounds awful to be honest. A proper hole. He made you cry on your birthday!

Re kids; kids have people in and then out their lives throughout, if they have secure relationships with their key caregivers they can handle someone not being around anymore. What's more important for kids is having the adults around them set examples for later life, healthy relationships, boundaries etc. If you wouldn't want it for your son or for your son to behave like that to his partner, it's not a relationship you should be in.

 

[Thank(space)you]

I hope it’s ok for me to post, I was in these threads ages ago when I was online dating, and have been following again lately. I met someone online and we’ve been together 14 months. But I just feel like it’s not working. I think he’s emotionally unavailable, or he just doesn’t give a tit. He’s not a bad person, but I don’t feel any closer to him than when we met emotionally. There is also no affection. He also doesn’t put effort in, eg I organised a whole thing for his birthday with gifts and activities on the day, plus a separate weekend away. For mine he did buy me a gift, but also got angry at me on the day and made me cry and hung up the phone on me and we didn’t end up doing anything. He messages me that he loves me and misses me etc when we don’t see each other, but his words and actions don’t match up.

When we met I’d done a lot of work on myself and was in a good place. Now I’m just unhappy, down on myself, and really really struggling. A small part of me is like online dating is crap, he’s ok, just put up with it and keep it going. But mostly I just feel like I need to end this asap, it’s not working, I’m unhappy, none of my needs are being met, and my self-esteem is worse than ever before.

Im sure it seems like a no brained to other people reading this. It’s just hard for me to actually do it though. An added complication for me is that he’s spent time with my child, who will miss him and ask about him, and that upsets me plus, I’ve gained a lot of weight from the unhappiness, and I think I’ll be alone forever.

I think it's reasonable for you to end things, or at least have a big chat and see if be bucks his ideas up. You shouldn't be more unhappy in a relationship than you were when you were single. And don't stay just because you're scared of how tit dating can be, that's not the right reason. If this guy isn't for you, then you can't meet the right one when you're with the wrong one (hope that makes sense!)

As for your child, I'm also a single parent so I completely get that worry. I don't have people constantly in & out of my daughter's life, but the ones she has met who then things haven't worked out with, she has been okay about. I don't know how old your child is, but could you explain the break up (if you do break up) in a child friendly way? They may be happy to have you all to themselves again too haha.

 

[EddyDarling]

He sounds awful to be honest. A proper hole. He made you cry on your birthday!

Re kids; kids have people in and then out their lives throughout, if they have secure relationships with their key caregivers they can handle someone not being around anymore. What's more important for kids is having the adults around them set examples for later life, healthy relationships, boundaries etc. If you wouldn't want it for your son or for your son to behave like that to his partner, it's not a relationship you should be in.

Don't know where I got the son thing from by the way, probably from telling my own off, but it applies regardless of gender

 

[Kimmylookatme]

I hope it’s ok for me to post, I was in these threads ages ago when I was online dating, and have been following again lately. I met someone online and we’ve been together 14 months. But I just feel like it’s not working. I think he’s emotionally unavailable, or he just doesn’t give a tit. He’s not a bad person, but I don’t feel any closer to him than when we met emotionally. There is also no affection. He also doesn’t put effort in, eg I organised a whole thing for his birthday with gifts and activities on the day, plus a separate weekend away. For mine he did buy me a gift, but also got angry at me on the day and made me cry and hung up the phone on me and we didn’t end up doing anything. He messages me that he loves me and misses me etc when we don’t see each other, but his words and actions don’t match up.

When we met I’d done a lot of work on myself and was in a good place. Now I’m just unhappy, down on myself, and really really struggling. A small part of me is like online dating is crap, he’s ok, just put up with it and keep it going. But mostly I just feel like I need to end this asap, it’s not working, I’m unhappy, none of my needs are being met, and my self-esteem is worse than ever before.

Im sure it seems like a no brained to other people reading this. It’s just hard for me to actually do it though. An added complication for me is that he’s spent time with my child, who will miss him and ask about him, and that upsets me plus, I’ve gained a lot of weight from the unhappiness, and I think I’ll be alone forever.

I could have written this myself down to the time frame and the child bit, I don’t think I’m quite as unhappy as you are but I’m certainly having doubts at the moment and am planning on having a chat later because it’s reaching a point where I don’t really feel like me anymore or good about myself. I think I am half the problem but equally he’s not able to meet my needs at the moment. It sucks because for ages this felt like The One and the best relationship I’d ever been in. No real advice just lots of love.

 

[mozzarellagirl]

I hope it’s ok for me to post, I was in these threads ages ago when I was online dating, and have been following again lately. I met someone online and we’ve been together 14 months. But I just feel like it’s not working. I think he’s emotionally unavailable, or he just doesn’t give a tit. He’s not a bad person, but I don’t feel any closer to him than when we met emotionally. There is also no affection. He also doesn’t put effort in, eg I organised a whole thing for his birthday with gifts and activities on the day, plus a separate weekend away. For mine he did buy me a gift, but also got angry at me on the day and made me cry and hung up the phone on me and we didn’t end up doing anything. He messages me that he loves me and misses me etc when we don’t see each other, but his words and actions don’t match up.

When we met I’d done a lot of work on myself and was in a good place. Now I’m just unhappy, down on myself, and really really struggling. A small part of me is like online dating is crap, he’s ok, just put up with it and keep it going. But mostly I just feel like I need to end this asap, it’s not working, I’m unhappy, none of my needs are being met, and my self-esteem is worse than ever before.

Im sure it seems like a no brained to other people reading this. It’s just hard for me to actually do it though. An added complication for me is that he’s spent time with my child, who will miss him and ask about him, and that upsets me plus, I’ve gained a lot of weight from the unhappiness, and I think I’ll be alone forever.

Imagine yourself as a little girl, she is stood in front of you.

She is telling you that there is someone close to her who is making her unhappy. After over a year of being the bestest friend she can possibly be to this person, she recieves no affection from them, they make her cry on her birthday, her needs aren't being met, she just wants to be kissed and cuddled and feel worthy and special. She doesnt believe she'll find a better - or even deserves it! This little girl who you love and who is inside of you believes she'll be alone forever. This little girl feels so unhappy around this person that it's effecting her health.

She is looking to you for guidance.

What initial emotions come up for you when you truly imagine it and what would you tell her to do?

You know what to do, we will be here to support you

 

[Thank(space)you]

Well I'm not faring well, chatting to one guy and he's slept with my friend (they met on a swinging site) & chat to another guy and he recognised a pic I took in a different friend's bedroom before a night out. He's subscribed to her only fans.

I have both friend's in my pics so people know not to match me if they know them

 

[mozzarellagirl]

Well I'm not faring well, chatting to one guy and he's slept with my friend (they met on a swinging site) & chat to another guy and he recognised a pic I took in a different friend's bedroom before a night out. He's subscribed to her only fans.

I have both friend's in my pics so people know not to match me if they know them

oh my god?!!!!

 

[sofipbn]

I hope it’s ok for me to post, I was in these threads ages ago when I was online dating, and have been following again lately. I met someone online and we’ve been together 14 months. But I just feel like it’s not working. I think he’s emotionally unavailable, or he just doesn’t give a tit. He’s not a bad person, but I don’t feel any closer to him than when we met emotionally. There is also no affection. He also doesn’t put effort in, eg I organised a whole thing for his birthday with gifts and activities on the day, plus a separate weekend away. For mine he did buy me a gift, but also got angry at me on the day and made me cry and hung up the phone on me and we didn’t end up doing anything. He messages me that he loves me and misses me etc when we don’t see each other, but his words and actions don’t match up.

When we met I’d done a lot of work on myself and was in a good place. Now I’m just unhappy, down on myself, and really really struggling. A small part of me is like online dating is crap, he’s ok, just put up with it and keep it going. But mostly I just feel like I need to end this asap, it’s not working, I’m unhappy, none of my needs are being met, and my self-esteem is worse than ever before.

Im sure it seems like a no brained to other people reading this. It’s just hard for me to actually do it though. An added complication for me is that he’s spent time with my child, who will miss him and ask about him, and that upsets me plus, I’ve gained a lot of weight from the unhappiness, and I think I’ll be alone forever.

I think you know the best for you is to let him go. You’re not happy and he doesn’t sound like he actually cares, actions are bigger than words. It will hurt but you’ll feel better eventually and please don’t think you won’t find anybody else. You will!

 

[candyland_]

Well I'm not faring well, chatting to one guy and he's slept with my friend (they met on a swinging site) & chat to another guy and he recognised a pic I took in a different friend's bedroom before a night out. He's subscribed to her only fans.

I have both friend's in my pics so people know not to match me if they know them

Don’t have your friends photos on dating apps that promote OF? It’s not going to attract any decent men and seeing known OF girls with you is going to make them see you as one of the same. They will see sex and nothing more.

 

[mozzarellagirl]

Don’t have your friends photos on dating apps that promote OF? It’s not going to attract any decent men and seeing known OF girls with you is going to make them see you as one of the same. They will see sex and nothing more.

OR you could keep them up and use them to find out which mingers use OF

 

[xcyber]

Don’t have your friends photos on dating apps that promote OF? It’s not going to attract any decent men and seeing known OF girls with you is going to make them see you as one of the same. They will see sex and nothing more.

I feel like it would do the opposite…highlight the guys lame enough to be on OF! Easy filtering of the duds.

 

[candyland_]

I couldn’t care less if men look at OnlyFans.. My own camera roll looks like PornHub. My point is that if they see it in front of their face they won’t see past that. They will think ooh your friend shagged me so you will be an easy target too. I know this sounds bad against women but that’s how men think.

 

[xcyber]

I couldn’t care less if men look at OnlyFans.. My own camera roll looks like PornHub. My point is that if they see it in front of their face they won’t see past that. They will think ooh your friend shagged me so you will be an easy target too. I know this sounds bad against women but that’s how men think.

I guess I’m quite different, I would definitely not date a man subscribing to someone’s OF. I find it tacky and cringe. I think it’s different if you’re posting pics in your underwear or soft porn style pics on your dating profile. However, a picture that HAPPENS to be in the bedroom of someone who is on OF is so obscure and says a lot more about the guys identifying that, than the person posting that on their profile. Also, I’m sorry but if that’s enough reason for a guy to assume that you’re also selling sex online and ‘up for a shag’ then they’re an imbecile. I hate the insinuation that ‘allowances’ need to be made for men and that it’s @Thank(space)you ‘s responsibility to not post a normal photo because someone might associate a bedroom with her being easy. It’s ludicrous.

 

[candyland_]

I guess I’m quite different, I would definitely not date a man subscribing to someone’s OF. I find it tacky and cringe. I think it’s different if you’re posting pics in your underwear or soft porn style pics on your dating profile. However, a picture that HAPPENS to be in the bedroom of someone who is on OF is so obscure and says a lot more about the guys identifying that, than the person posting that on their profile. Also, I’m sorry but if that’s enough reason for a guy to assume that you’re also selling sex online and ‘up for a shag’ then they’re an imbecile. I hate the insinuation that ‘allowances’ need to be made for men and that it’s @Thank(space)you ‘s responsibility to not post a normal photo because someone might associate a bedroom with her being easy. It’s ludicrous.

Just my opinion. You just have to see the men it’s attracting her recently to know it’s how they think.

 

[mozzarellagirl]

I guess I’m quite different, I would definitely not date a man subscribing to someone’s OF. I find it tacky and cringe. I think it’s different if you’re posting pics in your underwear or soft porn style pics on your dating profile. However, a picture that HAPPENS to be in the bedroom of someone who is on OF is so obscure and says a lot more about the guys identifying that, than the person posting that on their profile. Also, I’m sorry but if that’s enough reason for a guy to assume that you’re also selling sex online and ‘up for a shag’ then they’re an imbecile. I hate the insinuation that ‘allowances’ need to be made for men and that it’s @Thank(space)you ‘s responsibility to not post a normal photo because someone might associate a bedroom with her being easy. It’s ludicrous.

Completely agree. Love this comment. I would absolutely run from a man that uses OF. I hate how it's so normalised and we're expected not to care or have an issue with it.

It tells me a lot about him as a man and no doubt how he views and treats women. It's naive to pretend one doesn't inform the other.

I also agree, she shouldn't have to take her photos down. It's a THEM issue. I think just be aware that maggots (men using OF / the men recognising the bedroom) will creep out the woodwork and be quick to block.

@candyland_
"They will think ooh your friend shagged me so you will be an easy target too. I know this sounds bad against women but that’s how men think"

I agree with this. It shouldn't be the case but they are so sex obsessed and pornbrained. It's not a reflection on women but on them.

 

[Thank(space)you]

The reason I have both friends on my profile is so that if anyone has slept with/subscribed to friend/s, they hopefully won't match me same reason i have a picture of my promiscuous sister and I on there, as we have similar taste in men and a few times have matched/spoken to the same guy we live in a small town, it's a risky business this dating malarkey


In more exciting news, I've got a date with a fit barman next weekend and we met IRL, not from apps

Don’t have your friends photos on dating apps that promote OF? It’s not going to attract any decent men and seeing known OF girls with you is going to make them see you as one of the same. They will see sex and nothing more.

See I really disagree with the BIB. My friend who does OF is a very good friend, we've been friends for 6 years and she's been with me in my worst times, as have I her. And now she does OF, it doesn't change my opinion about her. People may just as easily see us out together. I'm not gonna not have pics with her or be seen with her because of her career choice.

 

[EddyDarling]

The reason I have both friends on my profile is so that if anyone has slept with/subscribed to friend/s, they hopefully won't match me same reason i have a picture of my promiscuous sister and I on there, as we have similar taste in men and a few times have matched/spoken to the same guy we live in a small town, it's a risky business this dating malarkey


In more exciting news, I've got a date with a fit barman next weekend and we met IRL, not from apps


See I really disagree with the BIB. My friend who does OF is a very good friend, we've been friends for 6 years and she's been with me in my worst times, as have I her. And now she does OF, it doesn't change my opinion about her. People may just as easily see us out together. I'm not gonna not have pics with her or be seen with her because of her career choice.

I don't have my settings local to me, seems to solve my problem with the small town struggles! (live near enough London to get away with it though)