Dating after lockdown #24 they're participation trophies at best

[okeydokey..]

Erm…my instinct is to write him off and that he’s probably doing a bit more than drinking. How did you find out he lied about his leg? Did he tell you?

Has anything else gone on that could be making him act like this? As if it’s been lovely up till now? Although, he could just be showing who he truly is now.

His friends had him all over stories acting the idiot in the local when he was hammered shortly after he told me he was in the hospital so he was caught out.
Literally, we’d been getting on like a house on fire. We did have an argument when I was ill, my appendix nearly burst and had to go through an operation and stuff and when I was unwell in the house, I’d asked him to come see me like and he kept saying he didn’t have time with work and training. I thought that was a bit mean because if it was him that was unwell I’d have been there to try and help. So there was a 2 week period where I hadn’t seen him.

I’m so sorry about this. My honest opinion is he’s acting up to get you to do the dirty work of breaking up with him. I’d stop contacting him if I were you, and see how he behaves. Otherwise, bite the bullet and end it with him. You deserve better than what this liar is handing out - and liars remain liars. It won’t get any better x

That’s very true. Yeah I haven’t messaged him back and I don’t think I’m going too as I’m fairly fed up at this stage

 

[liddynz]

Hey guys, Some advice needed.
I’ve been seeing a guy from June. I met him off tinder thought he was lovely. We have been on lots of dates etc but nothing official yet. Last weekend was a strange one, he was supposed to come to my house for the weekend after a match that he had. He then text me after the game to say, “sorry not going to be able to make it, got injured, think I’ve broken a bone in my leg, I’m off to the hospital to get an X-ray” - this was all lies. Every last bit of it. He went to the pub and got pissed for a solid 4 days without texting me or even interacting with me. He had been online but chose to ignore me.
Tuesday came, he text me and refused to apologise to me. He said “if you want to talk you can come and see me” - now, why would I drive 2 hours to his house after the way he disrespected me? And he should be grovelling but we are now on Sunday and he’s still texting me being rude and ignorant. Hasn’t apologised and is still telling me if I want to speak to him I can come and see him. He’s showing absolutely no remorse and went back out again on Friday night and has been drinking since He has apologised for not showing up to my house last Saturday, but he has ignored the fact that he lied about several different things. I said, I don’t want an apology for you not showing up, I want an apology for the constant lies that you told me and not interacting with me for 4 days. His line back to this is “if you want to talk , you know where I am”. So quite frankly I’m getting no where

I’d get rid. If he’s drinking solidly for 4 days is he even a grown up? Imagine later down the line him doing this disappearing act. He’s projecting his actions onto you like. It is a damn shame when suddenly things change but in my experience they can’t keep up the act for long and their real self comes out.

Just read the above too. He didn’t have time to visit you when you asked wtf?

 

[okeydokey..]

I’d get rid. If he’s drinking solidly for 4 days is he even a grown up? Imagine later down the line him doing this disappearing act. He’s projecting his actions onto you like. It is a damn shame when suddenly things change but in my experience they can’t keep up the act for long and their real self comes out.

The whole thing just looks like he’s been a completely different person the last few months and now the true colours are beginning to show. Don’t get me wrong, I love a drink as much as the next person but a 4 day bender as a grown adult doing disappearing acts is ridiculous behaviour. He’s also 29 and hangs around with a lot of 21 year olds and I did kind of air my thoughts around that and thought it was weird.

Yeah I was literally outta hospital and I asked would he come help me for a few days because like I kinda was struggling to walk a little and do things for myself and he said no that he was too busy with work and training. And I was like mmm okay…so I hadn’t seen him in 2 weeks - he was supposed to come down last week and then lied about the broken leg. He knew how excited I was to see him again as well, and I thought he was buzzing to see me because he kept telling me that he missed me and whatever else. But clearly not

 

[D2them]

Hey guys, Some advice needed.
I’ve been seeing a guy from June. I met him off tinder thought he was lovely. We have been on lots of dates etc but nothing official yet. Last weekend was a strange one, he was supposed to come to my house for the weekend after a match that he had. He then text me after the game to say, “sorry not going to be able to make it, got injured, think I’ve broken a bone in my leg, I’m off to the hospital to get an X-ray” - this was all lies. Every last bit of it. He went to the pub and got pissed for a solid 4 days without texting me or even interacting with me. He had been online but chose to ignore me.
Tuesday came, he text me and refused to apologise to me. He said “if you want to talk you can come and see me” - now, why would I drive 2 hours to his house after the way he disrespected me? And he should be grovelling but we are now on Sunday and he’s still texting me being rude and ignorant. Hasn’t apologised and is still telling me if I want to speak to him I can come and see him. He’s showing absolutely no remorse and went back out again on Friday night and has been drinking since He has apologised for not showing up to my house last Saturday, but he has ignored the fact that he lied about several different things. I said, I don’t want an apology for you not showing up, I want an apology for the constant lies that you told me and not interacting with me for 4 days. His line back to this is “if you want to talk , you know where I am”. So quite frankly I’m getting no where

this sucks and I'm so sorry, but get rid of him. He's showing you his true colours and you deserve better. Block, delete, move on xx

 

[Clementine]

Sorry, but that doesn’t sound like someone you can count on. Is he quite young? There’s a Maya Angelou quote (which I wish I’d taken heed of loads of times!) “when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time”. I’d apply that in this situation

 

[okeydokey..]

Sorry, but that doesn’t sound like someone you can count on. Is he quite young? There’s a Maya Angelou quote (which I wish I’d taken heed of loads of times!) “when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time”. I’d apply that in this situation

Yeah I think you’re right Clementine!
He’s 29 and I’m 28. But I thought it was very strange that a 29 nearly 30 year old man would be hanging around with 21/22 year olds

 

[Clementine]

Yeah, his mindset sounds like that of a 21 year old He needs to grow up, but let him do that on his own (if he does). If he’s pulling these stunts just a few months in, it won’t get any better.

 

[Belle123]

His friends had him all over stories acting the idiot in the local when he was hammered shortly after he told me he was in the hospital so he was caught out.
Literally, we’d been getting on like a house on fire. We did have an argument when I was ill, my appendix nearly burst and had to go through an operation and stuff and when I was unwell in the house, I’d asked him to come see me like and he kept saying he didn’t have time with work and training. I thought that was a bit mean because if it was him that was unwell I’d have been there to try and help. So there was a 2 week period where I hadn’t seen him.



That’s very true. Yeah I haven’t messaged him back and I don’t think I’m going too as I’m fairly fed up at this stage

I think you know what you need to do, but you’re venting first. Our brains go into confusion when we start processing the reality vs what we thought we knew about someone. It’s the “blindsiding” part of seeing someone’s real self, and realising it’s not a good thing - in fact, it warrants ending the relationship. No need to doubt yourself, his behaviour is unacceptable.

 

[okeydokey..]

Thanks guys, that’s helped me confirm that I’m not being an absolute head the ball

 

[Clementine]

You were asking the absolute bare minimum - you shouldn’t have even had to ask if he would visit you when you were ill. It’s on him - he’s the heid the baw as we say in Scotland

Hope you’re recovering well

 

[jnh24]

How does Hinge differ to Tinder?

So I signed up to it this morning after looking at my friends Friday night! It’s so much better, the men seem decent (and a lot fitter ) and I love the prompts to start conversations.

 

[xcyber]

How does Hinge differ to Tinder?

It’s a bit more ‘looking for a serious relationship’. Although of course there’s fuckboys everywhere but the intention is more serious.

On an aside, I keep having dreams that my bf is ghosting me. It’s happened 3-4 times in the last 6 months. I had one last night and it feels SO REAL at the time. Like I actually felt the pain and the shock of having someone who you love just suddenly switch and become cold and distant. Bloody hell it was horrible!! I’m literally being haunted by ghosting!!

 

[Fledgling Psycho]

I would never even consider any but the most moderate of drinkers. I grew up in an environment marred by alcohol & even the smell on a man gives me anxiety so someone going on benders would be a NO irrespective of anything else.

 

[EddyDarling]

Yeah I think you’re right Clementine!
He’s 29 and I’m 28. But I thought it was very strange that a 29 nearly 30 year old man would be hanging around with 21/22 year olds

Sounds like a right sad bastard. Would have just cut him off when I found out he was lying

 

[queenbees]

I would never even consider any but the most moderate of drinkers. I grew up in an environment marred by alcohol & even the smell on a man gives me anxiety so someone going on benders would be a NO irrespective of anything else.

I’m with this too!! My ex was an alcoholic and was the most toxic person I’ve ever came across in my life. Benders at 29 is not good

 

[Lalla]

Sorry, but that doesn’t sound like someone you can count on. Is he quite young? There’s a Maya Angelou quote (which I wish I’d taken heed of loads of times!) “when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time”. I’d apply that in this situation

This is true! But we're nice people, we give the benefit of the doubt, second chances, third chances....and the more time that passes the more invested you are and think well it's not that bad.

My Ex apologised no more than a handful of times at most in the 8 years we were together. I don't think he ever actually said sorry for the infidelity. I believe he loved me as much as he's capable of love, but also I don't think he really loves or cares about anyone. He just doesn't want to be on his own. When we broke up in May (my decision) he was vile to me. And though he says he wants to be my friend or more, he's not apologised. Not once. I used to apologise for everything.

I should have ended it - or been clearer that a lot of his behaviors to me were wrong - a long time ago. But this was the best relationship I'd ever had (which shows how tit the others were). I honestly don't think I'll ever find a decent man.

Someone I know was posting on socials a load of DIY and garden stuff that her newish bloke has done for her, if I'd shown my Ex that he would have called him a total mug and that she should get off her fat arse and help etc. Anything he ever did for me I had to contribute 50% of the time and effort to, get shouted at because I didn't understand his instructions or couldn't do what he asked.

 

[queenbees]

This is true! But we're nice people, we give the benefit of the doubt, second chances, third chances....and the more time that passes the more invested you are and think well it's not that bad.

My Ex apologised no more than a handful of times at most in the 8 years we were together. I don't think he ever actually said sorry for the infidelity. I believe he loved me as much as he's capable of love, but also I don't think he really loves or cares about anyone. He just doesn't want to be on his own. When we broke up in May (my decision) he was vile to me. And though he says he wants to be my friend or more, he's not apologised. Not once. I used to apologise for everything.

I should have ended it - or been clearer that a lot of his behaviors to me were wrong - a long time ago. But this was the best relationship I'd ever had (which shows how tit the others were). I honestly don't think I'll ever find a decent man.

Someone I know was posting on socials a load of DIY and garden stuff that her newish bloke has done for her, if I'd shown my Ex that he would have called him a total mug and that she should get off her fat arse and help etc. Anything he ever did for me I had to contribute 50% of the time and effort to, get shouted at because I didn't understand his instructions or couldn't do what he asked.

I was in a similar situation. It’s heart breaking. Why do we put up with all the tit? we deserve so much more than these crappy men

 

[Lalla]

It's difficult because no one expects a relationship to be all sunshine and rainbows. And little things don't seem a big deal at first. Like I'd say in the first couple of years there wasn't much for my Ex to apologise for. So the fact he never apologised didn't seem a big thing...like ok he's not apologised after a minor argument, but he seems sorry, deeds not words etc. But when it was something more serious, eventually, I did think that merited an apology, but it never came.

Part of me thinks maybe if I'd responded differently to things he did, he might have behaved differently, better even. But he's a grown man, not a child or a dog. I shouldn't be having to model his behaviours in his 40s?!

 

[Sandor]

I think a lot of people, especially men, do expect it to be sunshine all the time. I think it makes it worse though - small things that could be healthily communicated fester instead and become massive issues that feel life altering.

That desire for sunshine actually translates to wanting it to feel easy all the time. But easy doesn’t mean effortless.

And then when they do get the best friend they fancy the ass off that isn’t good enough either because it feels too easy. And it’s literally the ideal, isn’t it?

 

[Fledgling Psycho]

@Okeydokey I've just had time to digest your posts. That guy, the lying alkie. Well he doesn't even make loser, plank, creep or prick on my scale. What he is is the UV words. Utterly vile. Nobody would be a thousand per cent better than him. Dump him.