Dating after lockdown #24 they're participation trophies at best

[Fledgling Psycho]

Yes one comes to the conclusion that anything would be a better use of one's time than the ghastly apps.

 

[Thank(space)you]

Sooo don't think I'm gonna be going on that date. He's discovered my best friend does only fans and now he's just messaging me about her/her account

 

[candyland_]

I’m talking to the nicest lad but my effort is shocking. I need a slap.

 

[Sandor]

You’ve been through a lot @candyland_ don’t be too hard on yourself. Do you feel ready?

@Thank(space)you thats so many levels of wrong and so disrespectful of you and your friend but I suppose it’s a good test for what kind of person they are by how they react. But even just the stupidity to be that tone deaf would turn me off!

 

[Clementine]

Is your heart in it, @candyland_?

Eurgh @Thank(space)you. Get him in the bin.

 

[EddyDarling]

Sooo don't think I'm gonna be going on that date. He's discovered my best friend does only fans and now he's just messaging me about her/her account

What a creep. Good riddance.

 

[Lalla]

Men are just walking dicks aren't they?

I'm so sick of all of them. The only decent ones are married already.

I had an email exchange with my Ex yesterday where he asked why I thought we couldn't weather the storms in our relationship, was it because we had no real ties to each other (not married and didn't live together) ? I said that shagging another woman and then after I forgave him for that, messaging her for months as a friend was a storm that would have ended our relationship whatever, married or not. And if he'd wanted to get married he'd had 8 years but did nothing about it. I'm not going to contact him again. It just made me feel worse. He's still not apologized and made comments about our relationship that were such bullshit - we never kissed or hugged. We kissed and hugged every single day. Every day. bleeping twit.

Sorry for the rant

 

[Thank(space)you]

Bleugh, feeling so rubbish about myself/dating life. Hate this!

 

[xcyber]

Bleugh, feeling so rubbish about myself/dating life. Hate this!

Oh no! You ok?

 

[Thank(space)you]

Oh no! You ok?

Yeah, just still frustrated about that guy yesterday.
I find it so hard to get a message, let alone someone with good chat, and then they turn out to be a dick

 

[xcyber]

Yeah, just still frustrated about that guy yesterday.
I find it so hard to get a message, let alone someone with good chat, and then they turn out to be a dick

Stuff like that, when you’re already feeling despondent about dating, is the worst. Just tips you over the edge. But he’s clearly a prick and a loser and at least you didn’t really waste any actual effort or time on him. It is just so frustrating. I totally feel you. Stay strong though, you’re great and there are definitely some good, single guys out there - albeit hidden deeply amongst the pile of garbage men.

 

[katyazamo]

I know, I know Pretty sure he’s completely blocked me now anyway, and tbh if he’s in a new relationship the last thing I want to be doing is contacting him. I know there’s no closure that’ll come from him and it feels so disrespectful, as I thought he was better than that.

Just got to draw a line under the whole experience and learn from it. Easier to say than do at the moment though!

Thank you everyone again I really do appreciate your candour and wisdom. Men, eh?

It really is easier said than done to stop contacting them. I'm mortified when I think about how I acted with one ex, sending essays full of anger and bile. It was embarrassing. That was my first proper breakup and thankfully I've learned since then. But it was similar, he made his new relationship official the day after I moved out. So there was absolutely emotional cheating going on there.

But you have to keep your head up and dignity intact. Its so hard when you've been wronged. You want them to feel the same hurt that you've felt. It's not fair they get to jump into another relationship without a care in the world. It always hits them at some point, and by then you'll have moved on or at least the pain you've felt will be so much lighter.

Isn't it crazy when you just no longer recognise someone? Like the replies aren't the same, their whole attitude is so cold. I don't understand how some people can seemingly flip a switch like that.

 

[Fledgling Psycho]

@katyazamo Yes it feels really wounding. I was just reading on Mumsnet a woman had been getting on well she thought, when he started ghosting. She'd left something at his so contacted him and he said he wasn't interested in a relationship with her except sex. What a prize! I felt her pain. Sick of reading about these creeps honestly.

 

[mozzarellagirl]

Hi everyone!

I've been reading all your stories and experiences for so long now and I wanted to join in. I love the support and understanding in this chat, it's really refreshing and feels safe.

So recently I joined dating apps to basically teach myself how to casually date. I am an anxious dater, have an anxious attatchment so before I've even worked out if I like the guy I'm stressing whether he likes me?! It's exhausting and I want to learn how to have a few guys in rotation (absolutely no sex btw) and learn how to objectively date and take a step back and see what they can offer and add to my life, if they're worthy of my time etc rather then omg does he fancy me does he like me back omg he hasn't replied (because honestly most guys i've liked, haven't had anything special about them lol it was my anxious attachment putting them on a pedestal)

It came about after I met a guy I really liked over the summer and he made me feel like tit, super anxious and I cried over him but really... LOL he aint tit, he's not even my type, he can't communicate and he flat out told me he didn't use body wash and he's basically bald at 25

Anyways, I made a hinge and bumble account on tuesday. I just came home from my first date through hinge. We met at 8, went for drinks and I left at 1 I think? I feel slightly blue as he didn't kiss me or try to and wasn't very touchy and didn't ask about seeing me again.
But either way, I'm reminding myself this isn't what I'm doing it for and really how he feels about me is none of my business nor does it matter. Like HELLO I need to give MYSELF time to work out whether I want to see him again, who cares what he's thinking!

I have a date on Monday with a different guy (also off hinge) and one next saturday (from bumble) and another guy (also bumble) is sorting out a date etc to see me so I'm trying my best to be open but strategic and stick to the rules...

Basic rules are:
•Unmatch if any overly flirtatious / sexual comments come up (one man already made a "joke" about me gagging on his dick made me want to cry it pissed me off and this was like 2 messages in)
•Unmatch when met with arrogance - even just a hint. Ew
•They ask me, properly on a date. No hints or alluding etc. I don't initiate. You ask me out like a grown man (you guys don't have to agree with this rule but it works for me so I will continue it and it works in constrast to my anxious ways of chasing / rushing)
•NO tinder account (the men on there are rancid)
•To ditch the moment it stops being fun and easy for me because that's the point!
•Remain focused on relearning that I am the prize.
•Absolutley no causal sex (doesn't work for me)

Already had some interesting interactions and conversations with men on the apps. God they are boring and such mansplainers lol and they all demand a sense of humour when they don't have one themselves.

So yes back from my date, I don't want to bombard my friends with my dating journey and I feel safe to share with you all. I've been reading and wishing the best for you guys for a while. I hope I'm ok to continue sharing my journey of unlearning anxious attachment.

Sending love I don't know if this made sense but I've had 3 cherry cocktails and Im in need of pasta

 

[mozzarellagirl]

Hi everyone!

I've been reading all your stories and experiences for so long now and I wanted to join in. I love the support and understanding in this chat, it's really refreshing and feels safe.

So recently I joined dating apps to basically teach myself how to casually date. I am an anxious dater, have an anxious attatchment so before I've even worked out if I like the guy I'm stressing whether he likes me?! It's exhausting and I want to learn how to have a few guys in rotation (absolutely no sex btw) and learn how to objectively date and take a step back and see what they can offer and add to my life, if they're worthy of my time etc rather then omg does he fancy me does he like me back omg he hasn't replied (because honestly most guys i've liked, haven't had anything special about them lol it was my anxious attachment putting them on a pedestal)

It came about after I met a guy I really liked over the summer and he made me feel like tit, super anxious and I cried over him but really... LOL he aint tit, he's not even my type, he can't communicate and he flat out told me he didn't use body wash and he's basically bald at 25

Anyways, I made a hinge and bumble account on tuesday. I just came home from my first date through hinge. We met at 8, went for drinks and I left at 1 I think? I feel slightly blue as he didn't kiss me or try to and wasn't very touchy and didn't ask about seeing me again.
But either way, I'm reminding myself this isn't what I'm doing it for and really how he feels about me is none of my business nor does it matter. Like HELLO I need to give MYSELF time to work out whether I want to see him again, who cares what he's thinking!

I have a date on Monday with a different guy (also off hinge) and one next saturday (from bumble) and another guy (also bumble) is sorting out a date etc to see me so I'm trying my best to be open but strategic and stick to the rules...

Basic rules are:
•Unmatch if any overly flirtatious / sexual comments come up (one man already made a "joke" about me gagging on his dick made me want to cry it pissed me off and this was like 2 messages in)
•Unmatch when met with arrogance - even just a hint. Ew
•They ask me, properly on a date. No hints or alluding etc. I don't initiate. You ask me out like a grown man (you guys don't have to agree with this rule but it works for me so I will continue it and it works in constrast to my anxious ways of chasing / rushing)
•NO tinder account (the men on there are rancid)
•To ditch the moment it stops being fun and easy for me because that's the point!
•Remain focused on relearning that I am the prize.
•Absolutley no causal sex (doesn't work for me)

Already had some interesting interactions and conversations with men on the apps. God they are boring and such mansplainers lol and they all demand a sense of humour when they don't have one themselves.

So yes back from my date, I don't want to bombard my friends with my dating journey and I feel safe to share with you all. I've been reading and wishing the best for you guys for a while. I hope I'm ok to continue sharing my journey of unlearning anxious attachment.

Sending love I don't know if this made sense but I've had 3 cherry cocktails and Im in need of pasta

update: i had some pasta

 

[Clementine]

Thank you @katyazamo I absolutely don’t recognise or understand him anymore. Maybe if I knew more I would but that won’t happen. So got to put it in a box and file it away as an experience that’ll make me stronger There was a period of about 9 weeks where we weren’t together and then we started seeing each other again. I now wonder whether he’d started something, even if it was just chatting, with his new love then…but all those thoughts ultimately don’t help me and my wonky brain.

I think what @Lalla has shared about her ex (hope you’re feeling better about that exchange x) shows that how they view what we had with them differs from the actual reality. It helps to assuage their guilt or move onto someone else quickly if they tell themselves the relationship was dead in the water or there was no affection etc. and this is the story that becomes fact as we’re no longer in the picture to say “hold on, that’s not exactly right”.

The last month of my recent relationship wasn’t the best in some aspects as I’d started antidepressants and then came off them quite quickly as they made me feel awful (in all the ways) - I wasn’t myself at all. This obviously affected my ex and he said (the last time we saw each other) “you know when you care for someone so much, you’d break your own back to help them?” I know he didn’t want to be in that headspace and so now he isn’t. He’s made that judgement though, based on 1 month, whereas I understood, adapted and learned about his ADHD instead of walking away in the moments where most people would have. I’m sad because that’s probably how he remembers me now and our whole time knowing each other, condensed into that period where I wasn’t my usual self. Ah, duck it. There’s nothing that can be done.

@mozzarellagirl, I’m already invested! I love your approach and I really hope it benefits you If you don’t mind me asking, what else are you doing to help you? I’ve had a book sitting by my bedside for ages called Attached, haven’t read it yet but it’s apparently really good.

to everyone else in the trenches going through it. Solidarity sisters

I joined Tinder in a fit of pique, the day after my ex told me he was in love. Not using it seriously but got talking to someone and want to share his thought process about messaging, it really surprised me and made me view it in a different light I suppose. We’d matched before at some point in the last few years.

 

[SpindleWhorl]

How does Hinge differ to Tinder?

 

[okeydokey..]

Hey guys, Some advice needed.
I’ve been seeing a guy from June. I met him off tinder thought he was lovely. We have been on lots of dates etc but nothing official yet. Last weekend was a strange one, he was supposed to come to my house for the weekend after a match that he had. He then text me after the game to say, “sorry not going to be able to make it, got injured, think I’ve broken a bone in my leg, I’m off to the hospital to get an X-ray” - this was all lies. Every last bit of it. He went to the pub and got pissed for a solid 4 days without texting me or even interacting with me. He had been online but chose to ignore me.
Tuesday came, he text me and refused to apologise to me. He said “if you want to talk you can come and see me” - now, why would I drive 2 hours to his house after the way he disrespected me? And he should be grovelling but we are now on Sunday and he’s still texting me being rude and ignorant. Hasn’t apologised and is still telling me if I want to speak to him I can come and see him. He’s showing absolutely no remorse and went back out again on Friday night and has been drinking since He has apologised for not showing up to my house last Saturday, but he has ignored the fact that he lied about several different things. I said, I don’t want an apology for you not showing up, I want an apology for the constant lies that you told me and not interacting with me for 4 days. His line back to this is “if you want to talk , you know where I am”. So quite frankly I’m getting no where

 

[Clementine]

Erm…my instinct is to write him off and that he’s probably doing a bit more than drinking. How did you find out he lied about his leg? Did he tell you?

Has anything else gone on that could be making him act like this? As if it’s been lovely up till now? Although, he could just be showing who he truly is now.

 

[Belle123]

Hey guys, Some advice needed.
I’ve been seeing a guy from June. I met him off tinder thought he was lovely. We have been on lots of dates etc but nothing official yet. Last weekend was a strange one, he was supposed to come to my house for the weekend after a match that he had. He then text me after the game to say, “sorry not going to be able to make it, got injured, think I’ve broken a bone in my leg, I’m off to the hospital to get an X-ray” - this was all lies. Every last bit of it. He went to the pub and got pissed for a solid 4 days without texting me or even interacting with me. He had been online but chose to ignore me.
Tuesday came, he text me and refused to apologise to me. He said “if you want to talk you can come and see me” - now, why would I drive 2 hours to his house after the way he disrespected me? And he should be grovelling but we are now on Sunday and he’s still texting me being rude and ignorant. Hasn’t apologised and is still telling me if I want to speak to him I can come and see him. He’s showing absolutely no remorse and went back out again on Friday night and has been drinking since He has apologised for not showing up to my house last Saturday, but he has ignored the fact that he lied about several different things. I said, I don’t want an apology for you not showing up, I want an apology for the constant lies that you told me and not interacting with me for 4 days. His line back to this is “if you want to talk , you know where I am”. So quite frankly I’m getting no where

I’m so sorry about this. My honest opinion is he’s acting up to get you to do the dirty work of breaking up with him. I’d stop contacting him if I were you, and see how he behaves. Otherwise, bite the bullet and end it with him. You deserve better than what this liar is handing out - and liars remain liars. It won’t get any better x