Dating after lockdown #24 they're participation trophies at best

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@mozzarellagirl It will be interesting to hear of your progress. Good luck. 👍🙂
Thank you! I have another date tomorrow. Late afternoon. I'm not sure I fancy him just yet but he really makes the effort when talking, asks questions and is really enthusiastic about seeing me. Bare minimum lol but we all know what it's like in these streets 😭😭

I will report back *over*

@Clementine We'll I've done the work in therapy and do all the self care tricks and practice them regularly so now I'm going into the front lines to see how it works out after the work. I have read attached already, I think it was pretty basic but I do think it helps to see yourself in clear and simple terms when you can feel so complicated or damaged u know. like actually this makes sense we feel this way and there isn't anything wrong with us💞 give it a read, i'd love to hear what you think!
 
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@mozzarellagirl Good luck today 🤞🏻 Thank you for the info, what self care tips do you practice? Sorry for all the questions 😬 I need to become my own damn therapist tbh and need ALL the help.
 
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Been taking to this guy off bumble. Tells me he works for MOD and he alternates his time between London and home.. apparently he’s down London today (he told me he’s there already) and his location hasn’t updated yet to show he’s in London, but he’s obviously nearer to me than he was this morning when he messaged me as he’s gone from 0.2 miles to 0.1 miles 😂 what a muppet! Why lie!
 
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I’m supposed to have a date tomorrow, but he went away for the weekend on Friday and communicated that he wouldn’t be in contact and will speak when he’s home (completely fine - I haven’t met him yet and he was away with friends so I wouldn’t expect him to put his time into messaging me!).
He would’ve got home last night and hasn’t messaged me yet though, should I assume the date isn’t going ahead unless he says otherwise? I feel it’s down to him to message first?

Been taking to this guy off bumble. Tells me he works for MOD and he alternates his time between London and home.. apparently he’s down London today (he told me he’s there already) and his location hasn’t updated yet to show he’s in London, but he’s obviously nearer to me than he was this morning when he messaged me as he’s gone from 0.2 miles to 0.1 miles 😂 what a muppet! Why lie!
Omg I’m also talking to a guy from bumble who alternates from up north, to London for work (near me). Imagine it’s the same guy 😂😭
 
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I’m supposed to have a date tomorrow, but he went away for the weekend on Friday and communicated that he wouldn’t be in contact and will speak when he’s home (completely fine - I haven’t met him yet and he was away with friends so I wouldn’t expect him to put his time into messaging me!).
He would’ve got home last night and hasn’t messaged me yet though, should I assume the date isn’t going ahead unless he says otherwise? I feel it’s down to him to message first?



Omg I’m also talking to a guy from bumble who alternates from up north, to London for work (near me). Imagine it’s the same guy 😂😭
Wait until tomorrow, he could be playing catch up today
 
Wait until tomorrow, he could be playing catch up today
Yeah that’s what I’m thinking, plus he’d have work today. I think I’ll just let him contact when he’s ready, and if not, then I’ve not lost anything! Thanks :)
 
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I’m supposed to have a date tomorrow, but he went away for the weekend on Friday and communicated that he wouldn’t be in contact and will speak when he’s home (completely fine - I haven’t met him yet and he was away with friends so I wouldn’t expect him to put his time into messaging me!).
He would’ve got home last night and hasn’t messaged me yet though, should I assume the date isn’t going ahead unless he says otherwise? I feel it’s down to him to message first?



Omg I’m also talking to a guy from bumble who alternates from up north, to London for work (near me). Imagine it’s the same guy 😂😭
is his name David?
 
I had one come up as less than a mile away from me (he lived an hour away) while he had just left my house! It only ever changed when he was online so didn’t have the always setting on.

Swore blind he’d deleted the app but not his account. Funny how his job title had also changed.

I wasn’t even that worried. It was early days and I still had it too, which seemed to escape him somewhat. My issue was he’d literally been with me all weekend! Just seemed not cool, we weren’t FWB doing the deed and then swiping together afterwards.
 
I don’t like to talk to people that live too close to me.. I like to be able to have ugly days while I’m just nipping for my food shopping 😂

I bumped into a lad at the self service one time and then I had another pull up to me in his car. He text me and called me an ignorant bleep for not being all over him at the side of the road 😂
 
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I don’t like to talk to people that live too close to me.. I like to be able to have ugly days while I’m just nipping for my food shopping 😂

I bumped into a lad at the self service one time and then I had another pull up to me in his car. He text me and called me an ignorant bleep for not being all over him at the side of the road 😂
Hahaha wtf.. he sounds like a catch! 🙄🤣
 
Yeah that’s what I’m thinking, plus he’d have work today. I think I’ll just let him contact when he’s ready, and if not, then I’ve not lost anything! Thanks :)
💜 Hopefully he does contact you today anyway but glad you're not putting too much importance on it
 
Sorry I've never posted in here before but I really am stuck as to what to do with my love life right now. I'm not over my ex and he would be with me if I made the decision. But the reason I feel we can't is that we fight all the time. They've often got really bad. We're both hot heads. He can also be incredibly stubborn and sometimes I feel im having to justify why I feel how I do about stuff that doesn't even concern him. He would gladly tell me I was wrong about something that happened before I even met him, for example, even though he wasn't there and it's you know.. actually my life we're talking about lol. He's also pretty jealous. If i want to see friends over him for example I'll often be told im "not prioritising him".

BUT I've tried dating. I've gotten nowhere. What I really want is it all - i want someone that's funny, smart, attractive, good chemistry, makes me feel safe... what I'm wondering is... is this not realistic? Im 31 btw.

Basically as much as I still love my ex and we have fun and im still attracted to him, I know I'd be having to settle for someone that's got issues that could negatively impact me potentially a fair bit. And we've burned all our bridges with our friends and family on both sides so there would be a lot of work to do in reintroducing each other into our lives. Some friends/family will potentially not want to see us together at all. I just want a relationship i can be proud of, where i dont need to feel bad for seeing them or bringing them to family gatherings or to the pub with friends! But am I just letting what other people think cloud my judgement here?

A lot of people say "don't settle". But then sometimes you hear horror stories or that people are truly disillusioned and think that there's no half decent men left never mind the full package.

I need to make a decision because ive been treading water for far too long. I need to either just really try with him again, or rip the band aid and finally try dating without using him as a safety net, and see what else is out there but risk losing him.

This was a bit of a whirlwind post but any advice truly appreciated 🙏
 
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Sorry I've never posted in here before but I really am stuck as to what to do with my love life right now. I'm not over my ex and he would be with me if I made the decision. But the reason I feel we can't is that we fight all the time. They've often got really bad. We're both hot heads. He can also be incredibly stubborn and sometimes I feel im having to justify why I feel how I do about stuff that doesn't even concern him. He would gladly tell me I was wrong about something that happened before I even met him, for example, even though he wasn't there and it's you know.. actually my life we're talking about lol. He's also pretty jealous. If i want to see friends over him for example I'll often be told im "not prioritising him".

BUT I've tried dating. I've gotten nowhere. What I really want is it all - i want someone that's funny, smart, attractive, good chemistry, makes me feel safe... what I'm wondering is... is this not realistic? Im 31 btw.

Basically as much as I still love my ex and we have fun and im still attracted to him, I know I'd be having to settle for someone that's got issues that could negatively impact me potentially a fair bit. And we've burned all our bridges with our friends and family on both sides so there would be a lot of work to do in reintroducing each other into our lives. Some friends/family will potentially not want to see us together at all. I just want a relationship i can be proud of, where i dont need to feel bad for seeing them or bringing them to family gatherings or to the pub with friends! But am I just letting what other people think cloud my judgement here?

A lot of people say "don't settle". But then sometimes you hear horror stories or that people are truly disillusioned and think that there's no half decent men left never mind the full package.

I need to make a decision because ive been treading water for far too long. I need to either just really try with him again, or rip the band aid and finally try dating without using him as a safety net, and see what else is out there but risk losing him.

This was a bit of a whirlwind post but any advice truly appreciated 🙏
You are only 31. Do not go back. I went back to my husband so many times but we just were not right for each other. We couldn’t communicate, we grew into people each other found boring and never really wanted to make time for each other but wanted control of each other’s time. We were exhausted by life because we spent so much emotional energy trying to match up the fact we loved each other with the fact that we were not meant to be.

You can’t communicate. Do you think he’d actually do the work? Are you willing to risk family and friends for someone who doesn’t truly make you happy?

And honestly isolating you from friends is usually abuse. With you guys fighting it sounds like this is incredibly toxic.

Your idea of what you want is absolutely fine - what you’ll actually find is someone comes into your life and there’s no fear or fighting or flight and it might not be the wish list you’ve got down but it will be someone who is right for you.

Old and tired advice, but the best I - and many of us here - have is to do a period of focusing on you. Do the things you enjoy. Don’t have to pander to anyone else’s demands or whims. Just be and enjoy it. You can stay open to dating etc during this time but it sounds like you really need to let go of that safety net. It’s got holes in it.
 
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Sorry I've never posted in here before but I really am stuck as to what to do with my love life right now. I'm not over my ex and he would be with me if I made the decision. But the reason I feel we can't is that we fight all the time. They've often got really bad. We're both hot heads. He can also be incredibly stubborn and sometimes I feel im having to justify why I feel how I do about stuff that doesn't even concern him. He would gladly tell me I was wrong about something that happened before I even met him, for example, even though he wasn't there and it's you know.. actually my life we're talking about lol. He's also pretty jealous. If i want to see friends over him for example I'll often be told im "not prioritising him".

BUT I've tried dating. I've gotten nowhere. What I really want is it all - i want someone that's funny, smart, attractive, good chemistry, makes me feel safe... what I'm wondering is... is this not realistic? Im 31 btw.

Basically as much as I still love my ex and we have fun and im still attracted to him, I know I'd be having to settle for someone that's got issues that could negatively impact me potentially a fair bit. And we've burned all our bridges with our friends and family on both sides so there would be a lot of work to do in reintroducing each other into our lives. Some friends/family will potentially not want to see us together at all. I just want a relationship i can be proud of, where i dont need to feel bad for seeing them or bringing them to family gatherings or to the pub with friends! But am I just letting what other people think cloud my judgement here?

A lot of people say "don't settle". But then sometimes you hear horror stories or that people are truly disillusioned and think that there's no half decent men left never mind the full package.

I need to make a decision because ive been treading water for far too long. I need to either just really try with him again, or rip the band aid and finally try dating without using him as a safety net, and see what else is out there but risk losing him.

This was a bit of a whirlwind post but any advice truly appreciated 🙏
The things you are looking for are realistic but I don’t think you will find that person while he is in the background.
Sometimes we stay with people because they are what we are used to but once you have real time away (zero contact) from them you will start to realise that they aren’t actually what you want. You’ll see that you can spend time with your friends without being made to feel bad, there won’t be any arguments and your life will be more peaceful. If you go back you are going straight back to the old problems.
 
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@Maria1212 That relationship sounds like hell to me. So toxic for you both. Hard as it is you need to go NC on this one.

Also you can get addicted to the stress but in time you'll discover the peace of contentment (even if it can feel like boredom) give your adrenal glands some respite!
 
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Sorry I've never posted in here before but I really am stuck as to what to do with my love life right now. I'm not over my ex and he would be with me if I made the decision. But the reason I feel we can't is that we fight all the time. They've often got really bad. We're both hot heads. He can also be incredibly stubborn and sometimes I feel im having to justify why I feel how I do about stuff that doesn't even concern him. He would gladly tell me I was wrong about something that happened before I even met him, for example, even though he wasn't there and it's you know.. actually my life we're talking about lol. He's also pretty jealous. If i want to see friends over him for example I'll often be told im "not prioritising him".

BUT I've tried dating. I've gotten nowhere. What I really want is it all - i want someone that's funny, smart, attractive, good chemistry, makes me feel safe... what I'm wondering is... is this not realistic? Im 31 btw.

Basically as much as I still love my ex and we have fun and im still attracted to him, I know I'd be having to settle for someone that's got issues that could negatively impact me potentially a fair bit. And we've burned all our bridges with our friends and family on both sides so there would be a lot of work to do in reintroducing each other into our lives. Some friends/family will potentially not want to see us together at all. I just want a relationship i can be proud of, where i dont need to feel bad for seeing them or bringing them to family gatherings or to the pub with friends! But am I just letting what other people think cloud my judgement here?

A lot of people say "don't settle". But then sometimes you hear horror stories or that people are truly disillusioned and think that there's no half decent men left never mind the full package.

I need to make a decision because ive been treading water for far too long. I need to either just really try with him again, or rip the band aid and finally try dating without using him as a safety net, and see what else is out there but risk losing him.

This was a bit of a whirlwind post but any advice truly appreciated 🙏
I agree with the previous comments. As I always say, he's your ex for a reason, and, saying that you know you would have to settle with him is your answer right there. Why be in a relationship that will impact in your life negatively?
 
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Sorry I've never posted in here before but I really am stuck as to what to do with my love life right now. I'm not over my ex and he would be with me if I made the decision. But the reason I feel we can't is that we fight all the time. They've often got really bad. We're both hot heads. He can also be incredibly stubborn and sometimes I feel im having to justify why I feel how I do about stuff that doesn't even concern him. He would gladly tell me I was wrong about something that happened before I even met him, for example, even though he wasn't there and it's you know.. actually my life we're talking about lol. He's also pretty jealous. If i want to see friends over him for example I'll often be told im "not prioritising him".

BUT I've tried dating. I've gotten nowhere. What I really want is it all - i want someone that's funny, smart, attractive, good chemistry, makes me feel safe... what I'm wondering is... is this not realistic? Im 31 btw.

Basically as much as I still love my ex and we have fun and im still attracted to him, I know I'd be having to settle for someone that's got issues that could negatively impact me potentially a fair bit. And we've burned all our bridges with our friends and family on both sides so there would be a lot of work to do in reintroducing each other into our lives. Some friends/family will potentially not want to see us together at all. I just want a relationship i can be proud of, where i dont need to feel bad for seeing them or bringing them to family gatherings or to the pub with friends! But am I just letting what other people think cloud my judgement here?

A lot of people say "don't settle". But then sometimes you hear horror stories or that people are truly disillusioned and think that there's no half decent men left never mind the full package.

I need to make a decision because ive been treading water for far too long. I need to either just really try with him again, or rip the band aid and finally try dating without using him as a safety net, and see what else is out there but risk losing him.

This was a bit of a whirlwind post but any advice truly appreciated 🙏
Girl, rip the band aid. You two sound incompatible and it sounds like you see that too. Additionally, his comment about you spending time with friends is toxic, and I would personally have cut him off right then and there.

Regarding having high standards when it comes to online dating: there is a big difference between having standards and being delusional. What you are looking for does not sound delusional to me, and it is similar to the list I have for potential partners. However, I do think it is important to keep in mind that none of us are perfect and that something has got to give every now and then.

Have you ever considered dating just for the hell of it? Not because you are looking for the perfect partner but simply because you want to experience dating? From your post you come across as stressed (as far as I can judge from behind my MacBook) and it sounds like you could use some fun and relaxing times. Having a toxic partner can be detrimental to your self-worth and mental health, so maybe it would be a good thing for you to step away from your ex-partner and into the new and unexplored world that is online dating.
 
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