Dating after lockdown #21 More red flags than Pamplona, we don’t wanna know about your boner.

[Losa53]

In all honesty, if I didn’t reply to a message and someone sent me ‘?’ It would rub me up the wrong way and put me off to a certain extent. I can see both sides here x

Yeah I get that but i was asking about re arranging the date for this week but I needed to know so I could sort child care which he knew.
I dont normally double text him as I know he hates it but I guess the effort should be equal as we've been talking for quite some time and it's not a new thing.

 

[al255]

So my date tomorrow night has planned for us to go for drinks, escape room and then to this huge market in Manchester for food. I was honest with him and said nobody (including my exs) has ever done so much effort into a first date he said he’s really looking forward to it. I think we just “get” each other?! It’s soooo strange.

He said he loves small talk and he’s needy (perfect for me) .. I just think why did I waste my time with men that only text me back 2 times a day and didn’t make any nice plans for our date! Know your worth

 

[Losa53]

So my date tomorrow night has planned for us to go for drinks, escape room and then to this huge market in Manchester for food. I was honest with him and said nobody (including my exs) has ever done so much effort into a first date he said he’s really looking forward to it. I think we just “get” each other?! It’s soooo strange.

He said he loves small talk and he’s needy (perfect for me) .. I just think why did I waste my time with men that only text me back 2 times a day and didn’t make any nice plans for our date! Know your worth

That sounds amazing x

 

[xcyber]

He messaged me and said ' I only need to send 1 message, he will respond once he not busy, then said im not free this weekend, message me next week x
Guess I'm back to square 1 but still don't think I wanna re download the apps.

Has anyone seen the Thursday club in London where its a single night. I'm thinking off going buy don't wanna go alone

I’m sorry but this guy is definitely a NOPE. He’s rude. He’s not for you. Don’t go back.

 

[TillyMiffin]

Yeah I get that but i was asking about re arranging the date for this week but I needed to know so I could sort child care which he knew.
I dont normally double text him as I know he hates it but I guess the effort should be equal as we've been talking for quite some time and it's not a new thing.

It doesn’t sound that promising if you are having to chase him and he’s being stroppy when you do. I’d give him up and move on to someone who deserves you. Xx

 

[square_spoon]

In all honesty, if I didn’t reply to a message and someone sent me ‘?’ It would rub me up the wrong way and put me off to a certain extent. I can see both sides here x

True, but maybe if you liked the person you'd have replied before they felt the need to follow up with a '?'

 

[Wowitsme]

Yeah I get that but i was asking about re arranging the date for this week but I needed to know so I could sort child care which he knew.
I dont normally double text him as I know he hates it but I guess the effort should be equal as we've been talking for quite some time and it's not a new thing.

Sorry I couldn’t find the original post to reply but this guy is not it. He is rude and passive aggressive. This type of behaviour so soon into dating is a massive red flag and a sign of things to come. Better off without this loser!

 

[Fledgling Psycho]

On the memes thread.

 

[Carapop]

Folks, I’ve been dipping my toes back in dating waters after spending two years of pandemic isolation with my pensioner parents! I’m a bit too comfortable with my own company and getting very selfish with my time. This is important context!!!

A man matched me on hinge last Sunday. He told me during the week that he cancelled a date he had with another girl on Monday. We are due to meet tomorrow. He’s…intense. Heart on sleeve. We haven’t even met and he’s convinced I’m his perfect woman. I’m very wary of love bombing. Too many experiences of men who are all excited for a week and then suddenly they’re ghosting me. I also have commitment issues so maybe I subconsciously seek them out?!

anyway, he’s working today but keeps alluding to something he might do after work if he has the energy. I am very very concerned he’s planning on coming to see me. He lives half an hour away.

is it romantic for someone to do this? Am I selfish for being horrified at the notion of him landing on my doorstep uninvited and unplanned? He’s never asked if I have plans. And I hate hate hate unexpected visitors!

 

[it’s not been changed?!]

@Carapop as long as he doesn’t know your address, I wouldn’t worry about it. He doesn’t know where you live, does he?!

 

[Carapop]

@Carapop as long as he doesn’t know your address, I wouldn’t worry about it. He doesn’t know where you live, does he?!

Oh he can’t land on my actual doorstep, but he could call and say he’s in my neighbourhood!

I’m probably inventing this entire scenario and he’s no such plans

 

[TillyMiffin]

True, but maybe if you liked the person you'd have replied before they felt the need to follow up with a '?'

Exactly. Xx

Exactly. Xx

I’m sorry but this guy is definitely a NOPE. He’s rude. He’s not for you. Don’t go back.

Yes I agree. The way he responded was OTT.

 

[square_spoon]

@Carapop the question isn’t really whether it’s romantic or not - it’s would you be comfortable with it? I don’t think many women would. There’s also the possibility that his intensity will crash and burn pretty quickly, particularly if you’re not reciprocating the same level or if you don’t appreciate the level of intensity in general. To bide your time you could drop into conversation that you have plans with your mum/friend etc this evening to make it indirectly clear that you’re not available if he was planning something - and a few more days of chit chat may give you the answer you need. This intensity this early rarely translates into healthy relationships….

 

[TillyMiffin]

That sounds amazing x

Good luck for tonight!

 

[Carapop]

@Carapop the question isn’t really whether it’s romantic or not - it’s would you be comfortable with it? I don’t think many women would. There’s also the possibility that his intensity will crash and burn pretty quickly, particularly if you’re not reciprocating the same level or if you don’t appreciate the level of intensity in general. To bide your time you could drop into conversation that you have plans with your mum/friend etc this evening to make it indirectly clear that you’re not available if he was planning something - and a few more days of chit chat may give you the answer you need. This intensity this early rarely translates into healthy relationships….

Yessss. Rather than let him hang himself I should take the rope away. And I agree, initial intensity is always worrying.

 

[Clickbait]

Folks, I’ve been dipping my toes back in dating waters after spending two years of pandemic isolation with my pensioner parents! I’m a bit too comfortable with my own company and getting very selfish with my time. This is important context!!!

A man matched me on hinge last Sunday. He told me during the week that he cancelled a date he had with another girl on Monday. We are due to meet tomorrow. He’s…intense. Heart on sleeve. We haven’t even met and he’s convinced I’m his perfect woman. I’m very wary of love bombing. Too many experiences of men who are all excited for a week and then suddenly they’re ghosting me. I also have commitment issues so maybe I subconsciously seek them out?!

anyway, he’s working today but keeps alluding to something he might do after work if he has the energy. I am very very concerned he’s planning on coming to see me. He lives half an hour away.

is it romantic for someone to do this? Am I selfish for being horrified at the notion of him landing on my doorstep uninvited and unplanned? He’s never asked if I have plans. And I hate hate hate unexpected visitors!

This man’s behaviour is raising some concerns for me, and clearly for you too which are worth recognising and considering before you decide to meet him.

The intensity, calling you his perfect woman, telling you he’s ditched someone else, alluding to an important event or grand gesture, are all ways to manipulate the direction of your ‘relationship’. You’re supposed to be bowled over when in fact he’s actually making you aware that:

• He is filling in the blanks of knowledge about you with positive characteristics that would make you what he’s looking for, rather than waiting for a fully-rounded first impression (on meeting) and then more time spent getting to know you. Often in situations like these as soon as you do something that he considers out-of-character for his ideal woman he will react really negatively and make it seem like you’re at fault and have let him down.
• He’s fickle with his attention and is happy to pick up and drop women as it suits. Perhaps he didn’t think after speaking to this other woman for a while that there was any point in meeting but he didn’t need to tell you. It feels it’s been presented as an act of favouritism and decisiveness about how much he feels for you even though it seems he’d been talking to you for a day! It adds pressure on you to carry on with speaking to him as he has now given up another option for you.
• He wants to make it seem that things that he does - turning up to surprise you - are romantic and show strength of feeling but actually are just pursuing his own agenda. If he turned up when you’d not be comfortable with it, it would be because he wanted to meet you earlier than you agreed and didn’t respect your boundaries.

My response is based on my experience with a narcissist love bomber - what you’re saying about this man matches up to a tee with him - so may seem extreme, but I think these men have a clear pattern of behaviour, and should generally be avoided. I was lucky that I saw this guy for what he was after 3 weeks, but some people can get sucked in to their game and if you’re in a place of questioning your behaviour because you recognise you may be putting up barriers to meeting someone, you may go along with something that’s raising red flags because of that.

 

[Carapop]

This man’s behaviour is raising some concerns for me, and clearly for you too which are worth recognising and considering before you decide to meet him.

The intensity, calling you his perfect woman, telling you he’s ditched someone else, alluding to an important event or grand gesture, are all ways to manipulate the direction of your ‘relationship’. You’re supposed to be bowled over when in fact he’s actually making you aware that:

• He is filling in the blanks of knowledge about you with positive characteristics that would make you what he’s looking for, rather than waiting for a fully-rounded first impression (on meeting) and then more time spent getting to know you. Often in situations like these as soon as you do something that he considers out-of-character for his ideal woman he will react really negatively and make it seem like you’re at fault and have let him down.
• He’s fickle with his attention and is happy to pick up and drop women as it suits. Perhaps he didn’t think after speaking to this other woman for a while that there was any point in meeting but he didn’t need to tell you. It feels it’s been presented as an act of favouritism and decisiveness about how much he feels for you even though it seems he’d been talking to you for a day! It adds pressure on you to carry on with speaking to him as he has now given up another option for you.
• He wants to make it seem that things that he does - turning up to surprise you - are romantic and show strength of feeling but actually are just pursuing his own agenda. If he turned up when you’d not be comfortable with it, it would be because he wanted to meet you earlier than you agreed and didn’t respect your boundaries.

My response is based on my experience with a narcissist love bomber - what you’re saying about this man matches up to a tee with him - so may seem extreme, but I think these men have a clear pattern of behaviour, and should generally be avoided. I was lucky that I saw this guy for what he was after 3 weeks, but some people can get sucked in to their game and if you’re in a place of questioning your behaviour because you recognise you may be putting up barriers to meeting someone, you may go along with something that’s raising red flags because of that.

Thank you so much for such a considered and comprehensive response. I really appreciate the effort and support. You’re so right, I am very aware of my own tendency to self sabotage and don’t want to get in my own way and so am possibly overly forgiving of what is objectively concerning behaviour. I’ve been down this love bomber path before and has my heart broken.

But whilst I don’t want someone forming their own opinion on me based solely on texts and their own filling in the gaps to create an unachievable fantasy, I’m equally reticent to write him off just yet. I think I will still at least meet him and have my eyes wide open.

I’ll keep you updated!

 

[Sandor]

I agree with the others @Carapop I had one person like this who I called out on this nonsense (he didn’t like that) before cutting contact. Even then, he did everything he could to keep in contact with me for months despite blocking everything. I’ve since found out that he has a well publicised history of this. Because it wasn’t me, it was the chance of any woman. (This also goes back to my nice guy vs good man theory. Nice guys will tell you they’re one of the good ones, while not getting it at all. Good men show you)

If he happens to be bald, French and 5’8” - run!

I don’t like men who tell me who I am without actually knowing me/getting to know me, it’s like being commanded to perform. And I don’t like men exercising some kind of claim on me either.

It doesn’t even matter if you’ve read what his plans are wrong. The fact that you’re even worried about that is awful. His behaviour has led to that conclusion. There’s a reason we’re told to follow our instincts and I don’t think this is about you self sabotaging.

And to be brutally honest, if anyone told me I was his perfect woman from a few well chosen photos and a few text messages, I wouldn’t be flattered, I’d think he wasn’t very bright and certainly had no emotional maturity.

If you want to meet him, exercise caution. But don’t stop talking to other people etc. I suspect someone else will soon make you realise that his intensity is off.

 

[Carapop]

I agree with the others @Carapop I had one person like this who I called out on this nonsense (he didn’t like that) before cutting contact. Even then, he did everything he could to keep in contact with me for months despite blocking everything. I’ve since found out that he has a well publicised history of this. Because it wasn’t me, it was the chance of any woman. (This also goes back to my nice guy vs good man theory. Nice guys will tell you they’re one of the good ones, while not getting it at all. Good men show you)

If he happens to be bald, French and 5’8” - run!

I don’t like men who tell me who I am without actually knowing me/getting to know me, it’s like being commanded to perform. And I don’t like men exercising some kind of claim on me either.

It doesn’t even matter if you’ve read what his plans are wrong. The fact that you’re even worried about that is awful. His behaviour has led to that conclusion. There’s a reason we’re told to follow our instincts and I don’t think this is about you self sabotaging.

And to be brutally honest, if anyone told me I was his perfect woman from a few well chosen photos and a few text messages, I wouldn’t be flattered, I’d think he wasn’t very bright and certainly had no emotional maturity.

If you want to meet him, exercise caution. But don’t stop talking to other people etc. I suspect someone else will soon make you realise that his intensity is off.

Oh thank you for your support and advice. Maybe we should have a love bomber thread where we can name and shame to warn the innocent and unsuspecting!!! (I know, I know, let’s not actually libel anyone ).

i 100% agree that it’s not flattering, it’s immature and ill informed. And what mere mortal can ever compete with a man’s fantasy creation?!

 

[Losa53]

Exactly. Xx



Yes I agree. The way he responded was OTT.

Yeah that's what I thought and it made me think if we did ever get in a relationship what would he be like if I annoyed him if that how he acted because I needed to know an answer.
I don't wanna date another toxic guy, and the whole ignoring me till next week is pathetic and just shows he couldn't give a crap about me or my feelings.

I'll think ill download bumble and tinder later and just be real picky who I swipe right on....