Dating after lockdown #20 I’m done. Too late to become a nun?

[Sprottish]

I had a lovely date yesterday - I only ventured back on the apps last weekend. Matched with this guy on Tuesday and met up Sunday - to me that’s super fast! I’ve always wanted to chat for a few weeks before meeting but I thought oh why the hell not.

Green flags - he apologised for being five minutes late, he was forthcoming in asking me out and also asking for a second date and all the usual good chat etc etc. We just went for a drink and a walk around the food market. Although I feel much more comfortable on a date where I can have a few drinks (Dutch courage!) I do think it’s nice when they arrange something which is civilised and it’s probably better for me to steer away from the “always needing a drink” to date!

Red flags - reminds me of my ex business owner and fancy car. I know that’s not comparable at all but can’t shake it off!

That reminds me, something really awkward/yet quite funny happened. So, I drove to a little town where he lives (on the outskirts of Manchester). He sent me a link to an article about the town….that my ex had written, and I was in the background of one of the bloody pictures (my ex runs a big Manchester advertising agency so it’s not completely random) what are the chances?

Anyway, he’s asked me for dinner tomorrow!

 

[LaBlonde]

Can I ask what you think the difference will be from this thread to a spinster thread? And the difference between a spinster thread and a general chat thread?
Obviously I know this is a dating thread and from the sounds of it, you're saying the spinster thread would be for those who have given up dating; however I'm currently not dating and am half asking the apps when I cba, but I'm still lurking here.

sorry i’ve only just seen this and i was the one who suggested it

i think for me a sort of spinster/completely unlucky in dating thread would just give me a place to vent. at the moment i feel like i enter this thread like i’m kicking the door in and just dropping a huge anvil of self-pity in amongst the stories of people who are actually having success and getting messages back. when i get into a low-ish mood these things are sometimes hard for me, so a general release thread would just give me some space.

aware that i could basically just not post here and keep a diary or something though

 

[Sprottish]

I’m sure everyone will be with me when I say: Please keep posting here and venting! This thread honestly keeps me sane and has genuinely got me through really hard situations, and that is only because of the real honesty and lows that we all go through.

sorry i’ve only just seen this and i was the one who suggested it

i think for me a sort of spinster/completely unlucky in dating thread would just give me a place to vent. at the moment i feel like i enter this thread like i’m kicking the door in and just dropping a huge anvil of self-pity in amongst the stories of people who are actually having success and getting messages back. when i get into a low-ish mood these things are sometimes hard for me, so a general release thread would just give me some space.

aware that i could basically just not post here and keep a diary or something though

 

[MsCurly]

I’m sure everyone will be with me when I say: Please keep posting here and venting! This thread honestly keeps me sane and has genuinely got me through really hard situations, and that is only because of the real honesty and lows that we all go through.

Agreed, we are here for the good, the bad ánd the ugly! As much as I love the success stories, it is important to realize that dating is tricky and sometimes rather difficult. So many people have shared their successes and heartaches on these threads and it would be a shame if you stopped posting @LaBlonde

 

[Bagpuss7]

@LaBlonde I completely get where you are coming from ... I feel like a right old grumpy Debbie downer when I post here sometimes but I think that is why this thread works soo well and is such a good place to stop by ...we celebrate when someone is happy and doing well, we all rally round with support and advice when people are not doing so good and ... importantly there is zero nastiness on here ..

 

[Sprottish]

My god I feel like I’ve lived my entire last 18 months of dating through this thread! From troubles within the relationship, the breakup (I literally posted on here the night it happened stuck on holiday), the aftermath and my lowest lows, and now trying to get back into it all….

Honestly - couldn’t have got through it without being able to post everything on here. I’ve been the biggest downer going and the community on here is just golden. Reading everyone’s stories makes others feel like they’re not alone. The more we can post of the lows and the highs, the more we can pull each other through (sorry, so cringe ) x

 

[Belle123]

@LaBlonde I fully support what the others have said. There’s the good, the bad and the ugly to dating and post away with whatever you want to vent about. It keeps it real to hear all aspects! I resonate with so much you say x

This thread has helped me so much. Seeing so much reflected back at me in other women’s words has really helped me keep a good perspective. I’m a different person to a year ago, regarding dating and how I handle the emotions that come at me. I’ve got far more of a grip on it and take things a lot less personally than I used to, and I’m very grateful to have found that strength.

 

[al255]

This is my favourite song of all time

Had a rescheduled second date in the sunshine today! We made each other laugh a lot, I definitely find him attractive and we had a lil smooch next to my car at the end. Third date set up for dinner on Thursday.

Managed to bump into one of his friends (why does this always happen to me on dates????) who apparently messaged him this evening to say she liked me a lot

Yayyyy I love a successful date!! I’m really excited for my second date with M, not even replied to original Thursday date man no point

 

[unidentified]

Really need some opinions/advice. I matched with a guy on Tinder. Not my usual type. Really nice,great connection through conversation. He then admitted to me that he's married but is in an open marriage (all confirmed) his wife has a boyfriend etc. He was telling me how his wife's boyfriend is also married and that he and his wife have an open relationship and his wife's boyfriend is also in an open relationship! I've not met up with him. Think he's lovely but also know I would never mean anything to him etc. He says they're all (the couples involved) are doing it for the kids but what do you all make of it?

Also can I add I have no intention of meeting him. But wanted you guys input and opinions on the situation? I feel like you guys will be able to help me find the right words to say to him. Do you think it's unfair he went on to Tinder,which is a "normal" dating sight opposed to one just for people in his situation?

I have seen more and more of this on tinder. It’s just a no thanks from me.

I’m feeling a bit of a fraud because I’m not doing any dating.

 

[Clickbait]

Spinster is a horrible term, the equivalent of which we don’t have for men strangely enough

Dating can be a horrible slog with very little reward. It takes resilience, optimism and patience and even then promises nothing. Being successful requires you to be open to letting someone in, but is usually guided by luck/happy circumstance.

Applying negative labels, making declarations that you’re never going to meet anyone, it’s a waste of time, you’ll end up lonely with cats or dogs or books is not helping your spirit and feeling of self worth even if it is said in a joking way.

I had hundreds of dates - the good, the bad, the ugly, weirdos, stalkers, flashers, ghosters, love bombers. I knew when I got jaded and started feeling a bit desperate and not in control (because I just wanted to meet someone and it shouldn’t be *that* hard) I made mistakes, I gave time to people who I already knew were not right (one guy made me shudder in horror just looking at his photos but I convinced myself that I was being too looks-driven and should give him a chance) and ended up feeling like I was just degrading myself on the apps.

There is no shame in taking some time out to have a break from it all. Doing that is just respecting yourself and looking after your mental health: it’s recognising that it’s just not working for you right now and your time is more valuable spent doing something you actually enjoy. It’s not giving up and wallowing in negativity and self-pity although if you want some time to scream into a void about how unfair it is, that’s fine too.

I guess this is a long-winded post to say don’t feel that taking a break is failure, don’t think that not finding someone is your fault or that there is anything wrong with you. Remember that luck plays a huge part and having a positive attitude and approach will draw less negativity towards you.

 

[Bagpuss7]

Really need some opinions/advice. I matched with a guy on Tinder. Not my usual type. Really nice,great connection through conversation. He then admitted to me that he's married but is in an open marriage (all confirmed) his wife has a boyfriend etc. He was telling me how his wife's boyfriend is also married and that he and his wife have an open relationship and his wife's boyfriend is also in an open relationship! I've not met up with him. Think he's lovely but also know I would never mean anything to him etc. He says they're all (the couples involved) are doing it for the kids but what do you all make of it?

Also can I add I have no intention of meeting him. But wanted you guys input and opinions on the situation? I feel like you guys will be able to help me find the right words to say to him. Do you think it's unfair he went on to Tinder,which is a "normal" dating sight opposed to one just for people in his situation?

Delete block firebomb your phone run!!! I guarantee that this bloke is an out and out perv and if you continue to engage with him the conversation will turn into detailed sexual horrors..been there with one and honestly I watched to wash my eyes out in disinfectant after reading what he wrote ! Its a no brainer for me ...sorry !

Edited to add ..." doing it for the kids !! Multiple cheating is not doing anything " for the kids" and using that as an excuse is disgusting!
Edited to add again...the site Is fabswingers and if he's part of that scene ( which I put money he isn't) he would be very very aware of it. He's mostly likely some bored older bloke sat in his back bedroom being a perv online whilst his poor unsuspecting wife is in Sainsburys!

 

[Sandor]

Delete block firebomb your phone run!!! I guarantee that this bloke is an out and out perv and if you continue to engage with him the conversation will turn into detailed sexual horrors..been there with one and honestly I watched to wash my eyes out in disinfectant after reading what he wrote ! Its a no brainer for me ...sorry !

Edited to add ..." doing it for the kids !! Multiple cheating is not doing anything " for the kids"
Edited to add again...the site Is fabswingers and if he's part of that scene ( which I put money he isn't) he would be very very aware of it. He's mostly likely some bored older bloke sat in his back bedroom being a perv online whilst his poor unsuspecting wife is in Sainsburys!

I agree. I know there are people who make ENM work but something about in on the apps never rings true. If it is for you, you’d know. I could never but I can also completely understand and respect how it works for those who do make it work. I’d just find it exhausting.

I also, from a purely practical point of view, could not cope with the fear of catching an STD. (This is a big issue with me anyway as the thought terrifies me) There’s a potential loop of so many people sleeping together, and as careful as everyone is supposed to be in these situations, it only takes one of them to decide to do something for their pleasure that puts everyone’s health at risk. And I’m not saying that as a judgement that ENM are promiscuous etc as I know these conversations are very important to those that genuinely are - it’s a very personal belief that one person at a time helps me to take care of my one and precious body.

 

[Jadejones9596]

Bumble guy has cancelled on me for tomorrow. After I booked the day off and bought the cinema tickets.
I'm annoyed but OK, I've booked a massage in and I'm going to my favourite bakery for lunch.
Wtf is wrong with these men. My frustration is how hard it seems to be for me to get someone on that first date. Trying not to take it personally and I'm certainly not crying over him x

 

[LaBlonde]

Bumble guy has cancelled on me for tomorrow. After I booked the day off and bought the cinema tickets.
I'm annoyed but OK, I've booked a massage in and I'm going to my favourite bakery for lunch.
Wtf is wrong with these men. My frustration is how hard it seems to be for me to get someone on that first date. Trying not to take it personally and I'm certainly not crying over him x

oh jade i’m sorry take the day for yourself - enjoy your massage, get an AMAZING pastry from the bakery, see if some friends can come to the cinema with you?

did he cancel on you before (if i’m remembering correctly)? bin him at this point, he doesn’t deserve your time. i hear you on the getting to the first date stage but i’m sure we’ll both manage it at some point xx

 

[Bagpuss7]

Bumble guy has cancelled on me for tomorrow. After I booked the day off and bought the cinema tickets.
I'm annoyed but OK, I've booked a massage in and I'm going to my favourite bakery for lunch.
Wtf is wrong with these men. My frustration is how hard it seems to be for me to get someone on that first date. Trying not to take it personally and I'm certainly not crying over him x

and his excuse was ???

 

[Jadejones9596]

and his excuse was ???

He can't get here...its a 15 minute train journey that costs 10 quid return!

 

[Bagpuss7]

He can't get here...its a 15 minute train journey that costs 10 quid return!

So not really an excuse at all ...just zero effort ! Was he aware you bought the tickets plus took time off for him ?

 

[Jadejones9596]

oh jade i’m sorry take the day for yourself - enjoy your massage, get an AMAZING pastry from the bakery, see if some friends can come to the cinema with you?

did he cancel on you before (if i’m remembering correctly)? bin him at this point, he doesn’t deserve your time. i hear you on the getting to the first date stage but i’m sure we’ll both manage it at some point xx

Thank you my lovely! That's a fab idea, I need a little day off to myself anyway

Yes he cancelled before and took so much work to set a date I always kind of knew it wasn't going to go ahead. I told him he can do one

I'm just trying to not spiral into thoughts of being alone forever and thinking it's me. We will get there my love xx

So not really an excuse at all ...just zero effort ! Was he aware you bought the tickets plus took time off for him ?

Yeah he was. Absolute wet wipe honestly

 

[Bagpuss7]

Thank you my lovely! That's a fab idea, I need a little day off to myself anyway

Yes he cancelled before and took so much work to set a date I always kind of knew it wasn't going to go ahead. I told him he can do one

I'm just trying to not spiral into thoughts of being alone forever and thinking it's me. We will get there my love xx



Yeah he was. Absolute wet wipe honestly

I can think of a few very colourful adjectives to describe his time-wasting a***! I'm not one for sending an emotive response to these men when they have let me down but I think in his case I'd be tempted to send a few choice words ! Sooo sick of these men that think their time is more valuable than ours!

Sending you a big hug Jade

Does anyone else constantly get asked on the apps " have you been on any dates?" I always feel like it's a test I'm about to fail !

 

[Jadejones9596]

I can think of a few very colourful adjectives to describe his time-wasting a***! I'm not one for sending an emotive response to these men when they have let me down but I think in his case I'd be tempted to send a few choice words ! Sooo sick of these men that think their time is more valuable than ours!

Sending you a big hug Jade

Thanks so much lovely can't tell you how much I appreciate the love. You lot are brilliant I don't know what I would do without this thread! Xx