Dating after lockdown #18 Show me your c*ck and I will block

[Fledgling Psycho]

I had a message from this earlier! One of his profile pictures he's proudly sporting a black eye. His conversation starters! And he's very unattractive. Deffo one of the lads.

 

[Kimmylookatme]

I had a message from this earlier! One of his profile pictures he's proudly sporting a black eye. His conversation starters! And he's very unattractive. Deffo one of the lads.

‘Do you look in the mirror at the gym at all your tattoos and feel like sucking yourself off? Cos I’m certainly not doing it for you with tit chat like that’

 

[LaBlonde]

I had a message from this earlier! One of his profile pictures he's proudly sporting a black eye. His conversation starters! And he's very unattractive. Deffo one of the lads.

i mean, i’m REALLY not into fitness but how is “gym” a conversation starter?!

“do you go to gym?” “yes” “………. cool”

it’s a no from me!

 

[Belle123]

i mean, i’m REALLY not into fitness but how is “gym” a conversation starter?!

“do you go to gym?” “yes” “………. cool”

it’s a no from me!

My conversation starter “I don’t like the gym… dealbreaker?”

I saw someone with a black eye on their profile pic - it was there for months. How can it possibly attract anyone?!

 

[LaBlonde]

My conversation starter “I don’t like the gym… dealbreaker?”

I saw someone with a black eye on their profile pic - it was there for months. How can it possibly attract anyone?!

same i would never in a million years be able to participate in a conversation about the gym. it is an alien environment for me.

i swear sometimes men forget that a dating profile is supposed to make people actually WANT to date them!

 

[DollyDiamondxo]

absolutely this - and this is really what gives me the dating fear. i know that my recent ex will regret it (he was 5”3, a tiny man, and supremely awkward) and i’m just annoyed that i’m not going to be around to see that happen but it’s just scary to me that, as women, we have to put ourselves out there and at risk of this for the “prize” of finding a man who is going to stick around. sometimes, as i swipe, i’m just thinking of all the other things i could be doing with my time.

We have to wait to be picked, they get to do the picking, but for the most of us we don’t want to be pick me girls, we’d rather be ourselves until someone we find worthy, not them, comes along! The ball is more in there court, women aren’t likely to make first moves. I mean nothing wrong with those who are I wish I had that confidence lol. But they like a challenge.. so we get told to ‘play it cool’. At first the apps seem exciting then the novelty wears off and it makes u feel even worse like this dating pool is full of piss lol. I don’t think I’ll go back on dating app again unless I’m still single in a few years. But u do hear the good stories from them so I’m biased lol

 

[Pixipoppy]

What do you think is making you feel he isn’t as into you as you are him?

casting my mind back to our previous threads pixi i seem to recall you saying this about (i’m guessing) the same guy a few times before - what’s still making you feel like this? especially considering that things have obviously moved forward since then.

thanks for the replies. Yes you’re right @LaBlonde this is the same guy and it’s been a running theme since we started dating. He hasn’t really done anything for me to think this, he’s pretty attentive - texts me first most days, wants to meet up, makes plans with me for the short term future (like going on holiday this summer). I just can’t shake this gut feeling. I really don’t even think he’d cheat on me, I just know there is definitely someone out there much better for him than me and it’s only a matter of time until he meets them. I’m going to be that “god what was I thinking” relationship he will look back on in a few years and laugh . It’s my own fault I feel like this cos I’ve definitely dated guys I wasn’t 100% sure on and just kind of went along with it for a while as it was easier than ending it and I liked their company, even if I didn’t see a future with them. Also doesn’t help I’m in the worst shape of my life, in my entire relationship with my ex I was a size 6/8, almost flat stomach, toned… now I’m a stone heavier with cellulite and a pot belly. Trying so hard to sort it out but being on the pill doesn’t help either.

 

[Sandor]

This might be an interesting thought for us all. My lovely but I’m no longer compatible with ex husband has recently started dating and is only using Bumble because he likes that women don’t have to try and decode whether a first message is sleazy or not because he’d never want to make a move that came off as misogynistic. And he also said a simple hey as that first message doesn’t bother him. My point being I guess that the more genuine are out there. He’s definitely only a relationship kind of person too. I know it’s odd that we talk about it but he’s literally never dated (we were friends first) and was like who the hell am I going to talk to about this and get real answers from.

I think somehow we’ve got a generation (or two) that have become obsessed with the dating side of things. Everything advises dating multiple people etc til you pick one but that doesn’t work.

@Belle123 I’m so sorry you’re having such a confusing time. I see so many parallels. My guy is saying he only wants to date me, but still saying he can’t have feelings despite clearly actually having feelings for me. So I screenshot all the messages that state feelings he has shared with me, or things he’s said about our future, and sent them to him because he’s always told me to tell him when he’s being a dick. So that’s where we are today. I’ll report back if I have news!

 

[Kimmylookatme]

thanks for the replies. Yes you’re right @LaBlonde this is the same guy and it’s been a running theme since we started dating. He hasn’t really done anything for me to think this, he’s pretty attentive - texts me first most days, wants to meet up, makes plans with me for the short term future (like going on holiday this summer). I just can’t shake this gut feeling. I really don’t even think he’d cheat on me, I just know there is definitely someone out there much better for him than me and it’s only a matter of time until he meets them. I’m going to be that “god what was I thinking” relationship he will look back on in a few years and laugh . It’s my own fault I feel like this cos I’ve definitely dated guys I wasn’t 100% sure on and just kind of went along with it for a while as it was easier than ending it and I liked their company, even if I didn’t see a future with them. Also doesn’t help I’m in the worst shape of my life, in my entire relationship with my ex I was a size 6/8, almost flat stomach, toned… now I’m a stone heavier with cellulite and a pot belly. Trying so hard to sort it out but being on the pill doesn’t help either.

please don’t self sabotage by thinking you’re not good enouyh!!! He sounds into you, all the signs are there, the being attentive and making plans etc. Who are you to say if there’s someone better out there for him? He’s picked you, let him make (what I expect is an excellent!) choice!

 

[Fledgling Psycho]

I expect the gym is to appear interesting. I expect sex & his dick is his favorite topic.

 

[MsCurly]

We have to wait to be picked, they get to do the picking, but for the most of us we don’t want to be pick me girls, we’d rather be ourselves until someone we find worthy, not them, comes along! The ball is more in there court, women aren’t likely to make first moves. I mean nothing wrong with those who are I wish I had that confidence lol. But they like a challenge.. so we get told to ‘play it cool’. At first the apps seem exciting then the novelty wears off and it makes u feel even worse like this dating pool is full of piss lol. I don’t think I’ll go back on dating app again unless I’m still single in a few years. But u do hear the good stories from them so I’m biased lol

Just this morning I was scrolling through reddit and found a thread about how women who made the first move are all in happy relationships and how men viewed them. Every single man on that thread said he loved it when women made the first move. So, I definitely disagree with your statement. You cannot sit around and wait for a man to pick you. If you want to make something of your life, you need to take matters into your own hand. Sure men like a challenge, but being the one to make the first move has very little to do with that. I think the challenge generally lies in the period after that first contact, the "courting" period as my grandmother would say. Besides, if men really wanted to be the one to do the picking, would they use apps like Bumble as @Sandor mentioned?

I only use Bumble as well and not once has a man said to me that I was too forward by messaging them or asking them to grab a coffee. To be fair though, I'm in my mid twenties so it could also be a generational thing? Perhaps older generations prefer traditional roles, but from what I've experienced most millennials do not care much about traditional gender roles when dating.

 

[theweekend]

We have to wait to be picked, they get to do the picking, but for the most of us we don’t want to be pick me girls, we’d rather be ourselves until someone we find worthy, not them, comes along! The ball is more in there court, women aren’t likely to make first moves. I mean nothing wrong with those who are I wish I had that confidence lol.

The sad truth is that women doing the chasing just does not work. Men will happily cosplay as a nice person for months on end until they get what they want to then drop you like a sack of tit, and you've no choice but to go along with it, keep your wits about you and pray. You haven't got a hope in hell if you pursue them.

I remember when I was dating I was in the talking stage with someone - super fit, funny and we had great chemistry. Thought I had really found a gem. Asks me on a date, I say yes and he says "btw, just so you know I have a girlfriend. But I don't think we'll be together much longer tbh" Sorry what? Obviously, into the bin he went. But you can imagine how disappointed and enraged I was with the dating game though.

A few months - and a few more ghostings and dating disasters for me - later he pops back up, saying he's single (but who knows tbh) asking me on another date. To be honest I was seriously considering it... Purely because by that point I had realised dating is the ninth circle of hell and I was absolutely done with it, and this was an opportunity to actually have some fun - get dressed up, have a few free drinks, flirt, and not worry about coming across too keen, becoming too invested or being lovebombed and manipulated. I could actually just relax and enjoy dating as it should be, there would be no games to suffer through because this guy was already written off in my eyes.

I remember asking all my friends what they thought I should do (wish I had Tattle/this thread at this point!) all the single/seasoned daters told me to go for it, as they understood what I meant by finally being able to enjoy myself as I didn't have to worry if this guy was a fuckboy, as I already knew he was. OF COURSE all my relationship friends told me he's a prick, I deserve better etc... Like yes I know, the point is they all pretend they're nice in the beginning and having to act like a robot trying not to get attached and protecting your feelings is so tiring and unnatural, and I just wanted to have fun for once.

In the end I didn't go ahead with it as I didn't want to reward his crappy behaviour, but it speaks for how horrific the whole dating process is that was easier to date someone I knew was a prick/didn't want a future with because at least he couldn't hurt me!

 

[LaBlonde]

I only use Bumble as well and not once has a man said to me that I was too forward by messaging them or asking them to grab a coffee. To be fair though, I'm in my mid twenties so it could also be a generational thing? Perhaps older generations prefer traditional roles, but from what I've experienced most millennials do not care much about traditional gender roles when dating.

i think dating is a hugely different experience in your twenties (mid or late!) to in your thirties. i’ve never been called too forward but i absolutely have had men say i’m a “bit keen” (and on bumble too! an app that actively gives you a countdown on when to message) - i think, as eloquently stated up thread, being a woman past her early thirties on the apps becomes an increasingly demoralising thing because so many men our age are looking for someone younger, someone who is keen but not too keen, someone with no baggage etc. the courting period doesn’t even seem to exist anymore

@theweekend is sadly right. men will absolutely do a weird kind of cosplay for months on end before telling you that you actually weren’t what they wanted all along. why do we put ourselves through it?!

 

[Pixipoppy]

please don’t self sabotage by thinking you’re not good enouyh!!! He sounds into you, all the signs are there, the being attentive and making plans etc. Who are you to say if there’s someone better out there for him? He’s picked you, let him make (what I expect is an excellent!) choice!

Thank you, I know I’m being silly I just can’t shake this feeling. I just feel like at any moment someone else who is much prettier than me and he has more in common with could come along and he will realise I’m not that great. Like you said though I’m sabotaging it as I’m letting these feelings take over and it’s making me anxious when we’re together.

 

[Kimmylookatme]

Thank you, I know I’m being silly I just can’t shake this feeling. I just feel like at any moment someone else who is much prettier than me and he has more in common with could come along and he will realise I’m not that great. Like you said though I’m sabotaging it as I’m letting these feelings take over and it’s making me anxious when we’re together.

Ahh trust me I totally get where you’re coming from - I’ve been feeling and acting the exact same way on and off in my relationship since the beginning. I even outright told him at one point that I worried he was supposed to be with someone ‘better’ than me and outlined all the stuff this fantasy mythical woman would have in common with him…. But I’m trying to stop. Because I too was ending up all anxious and not able to relax when we were together. You can work through it though! I’m starting to get a bit better at it now x

 

[DollyDiamondxo]

I had a message from this earlier! One of his profile pictures he's proudly sporting a black eye. His conversation starters! And he's very unattractive. Deffo one of the lads.

Ffs

This might be an interesting thought for us all. My lovely but I’m no longer compatible with ex husband has recently started dating and is only using Bumble because he likes that women don’t have to try and decode whether a first message is sleazy or not because he’d never want to make a move that came off as misogynistic. And he also said a simple hey as that first message doesn’t bother him. My point being I guess that the more genuine are out there. He’s definitely only a relationship kind of person too. I know it’s odd that we talk about it but he’s literally never dated (we were friends first) and was like who the hell am I going to talk to about this and get real answers from.

I think somehow we’ve got a generation (or two) that have become obsessed with the dating side of things. Everything advises dating multiple people etc til you pick one but that doesn’t work.

@Belle123 I’m so sorry you’re having such a confusing time. I see so many parallels. My guy is saying he only wants to date me, but still saying he can’t have feelings despite clearly actually having feelings for me. So I screenshot all the messages that state feelings he has shared with me, or things he’s said about our future, and sent them to him because he’s always told me to tell him when he’s being a dick. So that’s where we are today. I’ll report back if I have news!

I always get this ‘you need to date multiple people and keep your options open’ like hun I don’t even have one option never mind multiple ones

 

[Belle123]

We have to wait to be picked, they get to do the picking, but for the most of us we don’t want to be pick me girls, we’d rather be ourselves until someone we find worthy, not them, comes along! The ball is more in there court, women aren’t likely to make first moves. I mean nothing wrong with those who are I wish I had that confidence lol. But they like a challenge.. so we get told to ‘play it cool’. At first the apps seem exciting then the novelty wears off and it makes u feel even worse like this dating pool is full of piss lol. I don’t think I’ll go back on dating app again unless I’m still single in a few years. But u do hear the good stories from them so I’m biased lol

Half the battle is that it’s not a one size fits all approach. We’re trying to figure someone’s style out in an artificial way - through messages on a screen! Then we have gender stereotypes - “men are hunters” “women like to play hard to get” Sure, many men are dynamic and take the lead… but still need the woman to reciprocate at times. It takes equal effort, after all, in a healthy dynamic. If one is doing all the initiating, that’s not a great thing. Us women get told to go after what we want, but don’t chase. Be open and available, but not too available. It’s exhausting when all you want to do is be yourself. Confidence comes into it for both parties. I feel sorry for men at times, and that they are expected to do certain things, like ask the woman out, but that’s basing it on assumptions men are similar to one another and they’re not. Personalities and confidence levels differ across both genders. That’s why I say to ask the man out if you want an answer after a reasonable time has passed. Don’t be passive. What’s the worst that will happen? Is it the end of the world? What if it’s a positive response after all?

I think this is why I like Bumble too. The pressure to decide who messages first is off.

@Sandor thank you so much. I’m feeling frustrated for you! It’s hard watching someone working through things as you’re trying to have a relationship with them. I wish I’d met my ex 6-12 months after his divorce, and not now. He’d be in a completely different place. I hope your guy works through it and comes towards you more. The dilemma is how long do you wait, how much understanding do you show him (especially when it’s not being reciprocated to the same extent) and how much patience do you have for it all! I’m giving my ex some time to work through it at his own pace, and simply because I’m not interested in the apps yet anyway, so it’s no skin off my nose to try and see, for sure, if he let it go for the wrong reasons.

 

[DollyDiamondxo]

I had a message from this earlier! One of his profile pictures he's proudly sporting a black eye. His conversation starters! And he's very unattractive. Deffo one of the lads.

When the gym is your whole personality you just know he’s one of those who checks himself into the gym everytime he goes on Facebook lol

Half the battle is that it’s not a one size fits all approach. We’re trying to figure someone’s style out in an artificial way - through messages on a screen! Then we have gender stereotypes - “men are hunters” “women like to play hard to get” Sure, many men are dynamic and take the lead… but still need the woman to reciprocate at times. It takes equal effort, after all, in a healthy dynamic. If one is doing all the initiating, that’s not a great thing. Us women get told to go after what we want, but don’t chase. Be open and available, but not too available. It’s exhausting when all you want to do is be yourself. Confidence comes into it for both parties. I feel sorry for men at times, and that they are expected to do certain things, like ask the woman out, but that’s basing it on assumptions men are similar to one another and they’re not. Personalities and confidence levels differ across both genders. That’s why I say to ask the man out if you want an answer after a reasonable time has passed. Don’t be passive. What’s the worst that will happen? Is it the end of the world? What if it’s a positive response after all?

I think this is why I like Bumble too. The pressure to decide who messages first is off.

@Sandor thank you so much. I’m feeling frustrated for you! It’s hard watching someone working through things as you’re trying to have a relationship with them. I wish I’d met my ex 6-12 months after his divorce, and not now. He’d be in a completely different place. I hope your guy works through it and comes towards you more. The dilemma is how long do you wait, how much understanding do you show him (especially when it’s not being reciprocated to the same extent) and how much patience do you have for it all! I’m giving my ex some time to work through it at his own pace, and simply because I’m not interested in the apps yet anyway, so it’s no skin off my nose to try and see, for sure, if he let it go for the wrong reasons.

That’s exactly it it’s so confusing! I have always said I’ll never approach first, mainly out of fear of rejection more than anything else. However yesterday I actually passed someone I’ve had my eye on a note with my Snapchat on it (only social media I have) and thought what the hell, and he’s actually added me and sent a nice message obviously I’d wait for him to suggest anything but I feel quite liberated I was able to do that. Instead of listening to society ‘men do the hunting’ like you say! I struggle tho because I’m either super keen n giddy or not interested at all, no in between which I need to work on lol

 

[Bagpuss7]

Hi ladies, been reading along but not been in a good head space to offer any positives.

So both Mr 5'7 and 5'5 have gone. No messages/ apologies from either so reasons for their behaviour will remain a mystery until they reappear at some point in the future which ghosters have a tendency to do!

I made the stupid mistake of allowing an ex back into my life late last year. He has repeatedly hurt me over the years but I just don't seem to be able to ever say no to him. Soo long story short he's done what he always does and that's blocked and vanished from my life. No reason for it, conversation was as it always was , I went to text him goodnight and his profile pic was gone and I knew. On top of the 2 ghosters and still working through my bereavement it was all too much and all my hard work of late vanished. I've an ED so that kicked in too. Feelings of abandonment and rejection along with bingeing it's been an emotional week!



So today i woke up 3am feeling bloated and just rotten and told myself enough now ...I've made the decision to leave all the apps, I've had a big cull on my phone deleted all the rogue numbers and I've poured vinegar on all the foods I binge on. I'm less emotional and my perspective is back. This last week I've felt soo emotionally detached going through the motions but eating my way through my pain which ive not done in such a long time. Normally i would think through it all, try to justify, look for my role in it all but this time I'm not going to waste any more time on them. Its happened, i had no control over their behaviour. I've come to the one safe place I have which is you ladies here who I know will read my words and offer much needed support and wise words.

 

[candyland_]

I had a message from this earlier! One of his profile pictures he's proudly sporting a black eye. His conversation starters! And he's very unattractive. Deffo one of the lads.

Reminds me of the time I went on a date and he turned up with a black eye and wearing tracksuit bottom I mentioned him in an old thread. His burner phone was ringing all night and told me the rules of drug dealer Never saw him again!