Yes, all that is true. Though since we have been official I have deleted the apps. I was just never sure if he was serious about it and didn’t want to shut my options off. I honestly was just doing it to have some attention which I know is selfish. The valentines thing was on his part, he forgot basically and I was a bit upset but wasn’t a huge issue afterwards. I do really like him but when I don’t get what I need emotionally I find myself feeling angry towards him and resentful. Hence why I’ll keep flipping between wanting to be with him and hating him. I think keeping my options open is some sort of defensive mechanism, I’m always prepped and ready for him to end things. Sometimes we’re even laying in bed after a lovely day, cuddling and chatting then all of a sudden I just have this horrible feeling of doom - and I’ll be there staring at the wall thinking of all the scenarios where he might leave me and analysing every little thing I’ve ever done around him. I realise this is NOT healthy and mostly my issues, I just find it impossible to “enjoy it”. I’m constantly plagued with anxiety.
Dating after lockdown #18 Show me your c*ck and I will block
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you can’t carry on like this
eventually self sabotage becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. “hate” is a strong word to - what makes you “hate” him, or is this an extension of you keeping your options open (so hating him makes it easier for you to keep your walls up). what does he do to make you think these things? if it’s literally nothing then i think you need to do a delve into why you feel this way (past relationships, past friendships etc) because ultimately it’s equally hard for the other person involved if your partner is constantly thinking you’re going to leave them. it’s really hard and really frustrating, i know, but it is only going to make it harder unless you address it head-on.And I guessing you haven't voiced any of your worries to him ? Communication is soo key in relationships. Have you thought about speaking to him and giving him the opportunity to reassure and alleviate your concerns ? Sometimes we have to be brave and tell the other person what we need from them. What are you worried will happen if you have this conversation with him ?you can’t carry on like this
I second this. Only you can decide to properly explore this within yourself. That you’ve identified it’s you, not him, is half the battle. I think @LaBlonde is right and you need to think over past relationships to spot any patterns. You may benefit from reading up on attachment styles as well. I know it’s a bit cliché to bring that up, as it seems quite a popular topic in the world of dating, but it has honestly helped me understand certain connections I’ve experienced that didn’t work out for inexplicable reasons, and not the situations when you’re not compatible/don’t have the right chemistry, as that’s usually obvious to both parties! I think there’s a logic to these attachment theories. You seem to be more fearful avoidant? Worth a look!you can’t carry on like this
What’s interesting is that, in some ways, I think you’re demonstrating behaviour/thought patterns that some of us have been dealing with, with the men showing this self-sabotaging behaviour towards us - it’s not ‘us’, but they still end the relationships. I think if the boot had been on the other foot, you wouldn’t be official with him. Generally, men control when a relationship happens and the whole “will you be my girlfriend” chat. He’s probably quite secure/happy with you, but may have picked up on your distancing - you are bound to be doing that if these are your internal thoughts? The wonderful thing here is you’re being introspective and seeking answers - this is very healthy and the way to properly try and steer your own ship in the right direction. I also agree with @Bagpuss7 that communicating is key. It’s not easy, but maybe you’ll find a moment to bring the conversation to your relationship, and ask him how he’s feeling etc
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Yes, maybe hate is a strong word but a lot of the time I am resentful of him and frustrated that whatever it is he is doing doesn’t make me feel reassured. It’s not his fault, I obviously just need something more that he can’t provide maybe? I don’t know. I’ve never been like this in any relationship in the past, never been cheated on or treated badly so I don’t know where it has come from.you can’t carry on like this
I have made some references to it but he could tel me till he was blue in the face that he likes me and wants to be with my but my brain still tells me he is lying and it’s only a matter of time till someone better comes along. I get worried if I speak about it too much and become too needy he will realise I’m hard work and leave too… so I feel like either way
Actually that makes you sound more anxious. I can relate to it. It’s exhausting for you no doubt, being unable to relax into it all. There’s only so much he can help here. We all need reassurance from our partners but equally we can’t get all of our assurance from them. That comes from within. To be happy in any relationship you have to believe they won’t leave you, you’re worthy and you’re a wonderful person. You need to be more secure in yourself and your own worth. I think you’re being down on yourself and worrying about his thoughts about you and it’ll drive you around the bend. It doesn’t have to be that you were cheated on etc. It can be relationships with family and friends that impact on how we relate to all people. Are you anxious about what colleagues think of you, for example?
So you say all the right things in that you know you do this / say this but are you actively doing anything to counteract it ? How we speak to ourselves is soo important. You seem to be telling yourself you aren't good enough for him ? Why would you think that? Why do you think he could do better than you ? He's clearly with you because he wants to be..let's face it most men don't need many excuses to leave us these days...all worrying about things that might happen does is steals our joy and a day of our life. He might leave you, you might decide you don't want to be with him anymore, I might never ever get ghosted again ... might is the key word there ...but how about thinking I'm going to live in the moment, I'm going to grasp every second of joy and happiness with this man and I'm going to do everything I can to make it work ...and if things don't work out it won't be because I only gave it half of my time effort and love.
Ugh I’m having a bit of a melt down at work today! And I know it’s a journey not a race but it’s made me feel sad hearing my co worker gushing over how special her new man is making her feel.. I can’t remember the last time I felt special or even wanted 
does anyone else get waves of feeling like this.. I was fine before my conversation with her (I’m happy for her she’s a nice girl) n now I jus feel meh.. why can’t it be me lol
does anyone else get waves of feeling like this.. I was fine before my conversation with her (I’m happy for her she’s a nice girl) n now I jus feel meh.. why can’t it be me lolYou sound very similar to how I have been in the past! It’s awful and you’re not needy you just have needs there’s a difference! He wouldn’t lie though, men genuinely wouldn’t be with someone if they wanted to be single as it’s a lot of men who prefer being single.. communication is key and it won’t push him away if he is decent
Of course - you’re only human! Everyone wants to be happy. People seem to think that being single = unhappy and being in a relationship = happy, but look around. How often do you see couples having a meal out or a drink and barely speaking to each other?Ugh I’m having a bit of a melt down at work today! And I know it’s a journey not a race but it’s made me feel sad hearing my co worker gushing over how special her new man is making her feel.. I can’t remember the last time I felt special or even wanted
I’m the only now single one out of ALL my friends in all my friendship groups and of course it’s natural to feel like you’re missing out on that. Do you mind if I ask how old you are?
Sometimes I think of my lovely mum, who left my awful dad at the age of 37 with three kids in tow, moved countries (well, Scotland to England!) and started her life again. Few relationships later and she is happily with my stepdad now who she met at 50, and she will hopefully have 30+ years with him.
I’m going on a date tonight, with someone I’ve not chatted to as much as I normally would. I normally like a few weeks of chatting and really getting to know someone first. He asked me and I thought oh why the hell not, he’s suggested bowling and a drink which I thought was quite sweet.
yea to all of this; i think it’s natural to feel jealous or down about your own situation @DollyDiamondxo but, like sprottish says, sometimes being in a relationship isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. people, especially those in newer relationships, will always show the best side of it and not the meals they go to when they’re both on their phones, the arguments, the sheer amount of women i work with who have married teenage boys in grown mens’ bodies etc. 90% of the time i’m very glad to come home to my little house. the other 10% is tricky though.
i’m lucky to still have a fair few single friends around my age. we’re all in that difficult 35-40 age bracket though where men our age want 25 year old models
enjoy your date @Sprottish! i hope it goes well
I get what you mean. I don’t know if my story will help. I was single for 10ish years. I had one brief relationship in that time which was toxic and very damaging and on and off and just awful.Ugh I’m having a bit of a melt down at work today! And I know it’s a journey not a race but it’s made me feel sad hearing my co worker gushing over how special her new man is making her feel.. I can’t remember the last time I felt special or even wanted
You sound very similar to how I have been in the past! It’s awful and you’re not needy you just have needs there’s a difference! He wouldn’t lie though, men genuinely wouldn’t be with someone if they wanted to be single as it’s a lot of men who prefer being single.. communication is key and it won’t push him away if he is decent
I did online dating for 5 years and it was a horrible experience. I did enjoy being single but deep down I did want to settle down.
Then I met my now partner and he is lovely and treats me very well but he’s also a man and he does my head in
I’ve had to adjust to having someone around and it’s been hard. I know believe even with someone you are happy with relationships do take a lot of work and compromiseYeah this is very true! Thanksyea to all of this; i think it’s natural to feel jealous or down about your own situation @DollyDiamondxo but, like sprottish says, sometimes being in a relationship isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. people, especially those in newer relationships, will always show the best side of it and not the meals they go to when they’re both on their phones, the arguments, the sheer amount of women i work with who have married teenage boys in grown mens’ bodies etc. 90% of the time i’m very glad to come home to my little house. the other 10% is tricky though.
i’m lucky to still have a fair few single friends around my age. we’re all in that difficult 35-40 age bracket though where men our age want 25 year old models
enjoy your date @Sprottish! i hope it goes well
yes I am 30 an it’s more difficult for us plus men seem to like younger women.. I could never live with a man again that’s for sure I do enjoy coming home to my own home watching what I want etc.. I just felt a twang of jealousy earlier at that butterflies feeling it seems forever since I had. But yea give them a few month n they’ll prob be arguing the honey moon period nice n all but it doesn’t last lolSorry you had to endure a toxic relationshipI get what you mean. I don’t know if my story will help. I was single for 10ish years. I had one brief relationship in that time which was toxic and very damaging and on and off and just awful.
I did online dating for 5 years and it was a horrible experience. I did enjoy being single but deep down I did want to settle down.
Then I met my now partner and he is lovely and treats me very well but he’s also a man and he does my head in
well done for getting out of it! It’s really nice you’ve finally met someone, and it does take adapting to when your used to being alome! I’ll probably forget they are at my house when I do meet someone I’m that used to it being just me my dog n daughter (when she’s there) lol. I’m glad he treats you well, thanks it does give me hope hearing things like this. Like being single for a long time does not equal single forever I need to remember lolAw love bowling idea! Enjoy your date
like you say why the hell not! Aw bless your mum must’ve been hard with 3 children, one is hard enough! I do actually hate society for assuming single equals unhappy relationship equals happy it’s a lot of the reason people do stay in relationships when their unhappy just the pressure.. I would so rather be alone than settle.. I don’t mind at all I am 30 yes I don’t have any single friends either so I can’t even have the wing man nights out kind of things lol
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@DollyDiamondxo - i will happily nominate myself as your wingwoman (i think you have a full group of them here though!), i’m great at it, provided i’ve had enough wine
i hate society’s perception of being single too; i don’t think i would get these blips in mood if it wasn’t for that. when i had a bf last year i was amazed at how many people told me it was great news because i “deserve to be happy” as if i wasn’t before!
(i do often think of jenny slate’s lovely writing about dating though, especially this:
it is sometimes easier said than done to stay positive!)
i hate society’s perception of being single too; i don’t think i would get these blips in mood if it wasn’t for that. when i had a bf last year i was amazed at how many people told me it was great news because i “deserve to be happy” as if i wasn’t before!
(i do often think of jenny slate’s lovely writing about dating though, especially this:
it is sometimes easier said than done to stay positive!)
Aww aha thankyou! Wine is me go to! I prefer talking on here than confiding in my friends about it because we’re all here for similar reasons@DollyDiamondxo - i will happily nominate myself as your wingwoman (i think you have a full group of them here though!), i’m great at it, provided i’ve had enough wine
i hate society’s perception of being single too; i don’t think i would get these blips in mood if it wasn’t for that. when i had a bf last year i was amazed at how many people told me it was great news because i “deserve to be happy” as if i wasn’t before!
(i do often think of jenny slate’s lovely writing about dating though, especially this:
View attachment 1134671
it is sometimes easier said than done to stay positive!)
yes why do people do that say you deserve to be happy like you were before it’s just a different kind of happiness, I too am convinced I wouldn’t feel any type of way if it wasn’t so forced upon us by society, I absolutely love that picture/quote thanks for the kind words.
Hi everyone, I hope you're all ok and taking good care of yourselves. I commented a thread (or two?) back, but have had a bit of a weird time with stress at work and generally feeling quite distrait/disconnected from what's going on around me. I wanted to thank those who replied to what I wrote and to apologise for not responding - it honestly meant so much to read your kind words and I could really feel the warmth, care and genuine-ness from the replies. I ended up joining Hinge, but I'm not too enthralled with it to be honest so I'll probably come off it in time - my experience there so far - this is really harsh to say and I don't know a nicer way of putting it - seem to be attracting either f*ckboys or weird men, guys who are boring personality-wise/behave as though they've never seen a woman before and think that coming over to watch Netflix is a date (catch yourself on: I know what that's code for). I've been talking to one guy and we have a lot in common, convo flows naturally etc. but I'm keeping my wits about me and being extra conscious because I don't want to feel that body-slamming feeling of rejection. So far it's going well and it feels nice to genuinely connect with someone who seems to be on my level.
I read a really well-written article in The Times a few weeks ago. It was about a woman in her 30s, who is single, never been married and her thoughts on it all. I think it's behind a subscribe wall (sorry), and parts of it really resonated with me, so I've put the link here for anyone who may be interested in reading it: https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/single-and-happy-the-rise-of-the-super-solos-vg7pxgmgl
It made me feel a teeny bit less dejected about being single and I must admit that I'm still reflecting on it now in a good way; days after reading it
I read a really well-written article in The Times a few weeks ago. It was about a woman in her 30s, who is single, never been married and her thoughts on it all. I think it's behind a subscribe wall (sorry), and parts of it really resonated with me, so I've put the link here for anyone who may be interested in reading it: https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/single-and-happy-the-rise-of-the-super-solos-vg7pxgmgl
It made me feel a teeny bit less dejected about being single and I must admit that I'm still reflecting on it now in a good way; days after reading it
Thanks for this. <3
It's exactly having ideas of what should and should not be that makes it more difficult. I was also very disappointed that my counselor decided to play tough love with me on this one and told me I should "just" start appreciating what I have - as if I don't, and I truly do. I definitely found it unfair.
As I wrote here I realized also that outside of counseling I've never in my life said to someone "Yeah, I'm struggling with anxiety a lot". I've talked about depression, grief, love failures, but I'd never admit that I can obsess about what other people think of me and the possible mistakes I have made or will do. Even writing this I don't think I'll ever want to actually say it, but it's interesting writing about it here
Sending lots of love to everyone struggling atm.
@LaBlonde I absolutely love that excerpt you quoted, especially the bit about mothers and penises haha.
I know there’s lots of brilliant writers on here and I’m not one of them but I thought I’d share this bit of absolute cheese I just wrote. Twice I’ve felt like I’ll never get lucky again and twice I’ve been proved wrong. I could well be proven wrong again in the sense that this one all goes tits up too. But I guess what I’m trying to say is; we don’t know what’s round the corner, either good or bad, so if anyone’s got something good going atm - embrace and enjoy it, and if anyone’s in a crappy situation - it’ll pass. (Ps if this is unreadable it’s probably for the best haha, I’ve had a wine)
@LaBlonde I absolutely love that excerpt you quoted, especially the bit about mothers and penises haha.
I know there’s lots of brilliant writers on here and I’m not one of them but I thought I’d share this bit of absolute cheese I just wrote. Twice I’ve felt like I’ll never get lucky again and twice I’ve been proved wrong. I could well be proven wrong again in the sense that this one all goes tits up too. But I guess what I’m trying to say is; we don’t know what’s round the corner, either good or bad, so if anyone’s got something good going atm - embrace and enjoy it, and if anyone’s in a crappy situation - it’ll pass. (Ps if this is unreadable it’s probably for the best haha, I’ve had a wine)
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That's so beautiful, you're a brilliant writer <3
oh kimmy what a lovely thing to share with us
you’re a beautiful writer and definitely don’t be scared of sharing things with us again, i know we’d all love to read it x
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