Dating after lockdown #18 Show me your c*ck and I will block

[Clickbait]

@nobrains I’m going to give quite a blunt appraisal of what I think is happening with this man and it comes from a place of wanting you to move on and not cry more tears for someone who doesn’t deserve them.

His messages that you shared are the classic ‘it’s not you it’s me’. The truth is that for him it is you that is the problem. You are not what he wants. Any man will make time for someone they want to spend time with. Work pressures etc. is a convenient excuse. If he was invested in the relationship you would have been invited to his party. Plenty of people on here thought you were being silly feeling hurt about that, and it was normal for him not to invite you: had it been a family meal with nearest and dearest that would be true, but a big party with live music and loads of guests, nope.

He’s had a lovely time getting the girlfriend experience from you - in your words “Dates, sleep overs, lots of sex, me pampering him when he rolls over and basically begs me to scratch his back, him putting his head in my lap and telling me I make him feel "safe" etc.”

But he doesn’t want you as his girlfriend and you pushing for more commitment to make you feel things were progressing is what has made him step back. He’ll take with no promises but as soon as he’s being held accountable he’s out of there. I imagine he’ll be on dating apps by the weekend.

None of this is your fault, there was nothing you could have done or not done to change the outcome. Concentrate on the fact that I don’t think this man ever put you or your needs first and instead leeched off you and your good nature. I hope he chokes on one of the coeliac cookies you so kindly bought him.

 

[Bagpuss7]

Hi ladies, been reading along but not been in a good head space to offer any positives.

So both Mr 5'7 and 5'5 have gone. No messages/ apologies from either so reasons for their behaviour will remain a mystery until they reappear at some point in the future which ghosters have a tendency to do!

I made the stupid mistake of allowing an ex back into my life late last year. He has repeatedly hurt me over the years but I just don't seem to be able to ever say no to him. Soo long story short he's done what he always does and that's blocked and vanished from my life. No reason for it, conversation was as it always was , I went to text him goodnight and his profile pic was gone and I knew. On top of the 2 ghosters and still working through my bereavement it was all too much and all my hard work of late vanished. I've an ED so that kicked in too. Feelings of abandonment and rejection along with bingeing it's been an emotional week!



So today i woke up 3am feeling bloated and just rotten and told myself enough now ...I've made the decision to leave all the apps, I've had a big cull on my phone deleted all the rogue numbers and I've poured vinegar on all the foods I binge on. I'm less emotional and my perspective is back. This last week I've felt soo emotionally detached going through the motions but eating my way through my pain which ive not done in such a long time. Normally i would think through it all, try to justify, look for my role in it all but this time I'm not going to waste any more time on them. Its happened, i had no control over their behaviour. I've come to the one safe place I have which is you ladies here who I know will read my words and offer much needed support and wise words.

 

[Mr Sparkle]

Good morning teeeam, positive update from me!

Last time I was seeking advice from you guys it was because we'd gone a week without making a date plan and I thought I was being faded 🥲

So we had a date on Wednesday which was lovely, went to a cute little theatre to watch a play. Then he invited me over for brunch on Saturday morning with his housemates. He organised it, I helped and then sat in the sunshine with them all, plus some of their friends who were also visiting, and we all spent the rest of the afternoon outside. It was so niceeeee!! but also a little intimidating to spend the day with a bunch of couples when we've only been on a handful of dates!

I had been a little worried because I hit it off the most with the housemate's visitors and hadn't spent much time chatting to his actual housemates which might've looked bad. But then he also invited me over for dinner with them yesterday evening, so I got to know them a bit more.

On typing this, it seems a little silly that I'd worry about whether I spent enough time chatting with them. We've only been seeing each other a month so my priority is carrying on getting to know him, rather than becoming buddies with all his friends anyway. It's just a bonus that there was someone in the group who was v outgoing and made me feel comfortable!

I'm reeeeeeally keen on this guy though. 🥲🥲

 

[millsymilsean]

Just thinking about ghosting tonight and how evil it actually is.

I was ghosted months ago by a guy I really, really, really liked, who showed such interest in me, who I connected with like no one else I’ve been with since, and because he ghosted me here I am STILL thinking about it, asking why, wondering what happened MONTHS later.

It’s just such a cruel thing to do. We’ve all had to text/call and end things with someone, but we’ve done it because it’s respectful. People who ghost are just so cowardly!!!

Sorry just mad tonight haahha

 

[realhousewivewannabe]

Has anyone been on any dates lately?

Hi gang, I’m mid way through this thread but thought I’d say I have I’ve met two guys, one I met on public transport on the way home from a date and have carried on seeing him. I’ve got a new job offer and just been focusing on myself.

 

[ThreeSteaksPam]

• Getting a new like on Hinge.
• Instant based on first profile picture.
• Scroll down and… Oh. Never mind. Thanks anyway Marcus. All the best hun.

 

[TillyMiffin]

So I thought I was being clever coming up with a witty/friendly introduction message on Bumble. So I just did the old copy & paste! I sent the following. I think you can guess where I went wrong?!

So I thought I was being clever coming up with a witty/friendly introduction message on Bumble. So I just did the old copy & paste! I sent the following. I think you can guess where I went wrong?!

Yes. His name was Richard.

 

[Clickbait]

Plenty of women are just as bad unfortunately - quite simply no excuses for either gender!

I don’t believe women lie to men about wanting a relationship to get them into bed and then do a total 180 in their personality and what they’re looking for. There may be some who do, but it seems an awful lot easier to get sex from men without the need to lie.

 

[MinnieMaus]

Hey gang - not been active on the thread as after my last disasterous date (walking aimlessly round a shopping centre at 29 years old ain’t cute or fun - who knew?!) I had a bit of a crisis and was questioning what I had to offer a partner. I was looking for someone amazing while feeling pretty crap and low about myself.

I gave myself a bit of a talking to, got back on the apps full of gusto, and this was my first interaction. It’s bloody exhausting isn’t it?! Pic and name isn’t blurred out because FUCK YOU ROBERT.

 

[ThreeSteaksPam]

I found this quite a lot with dating - because I’m polite and would ask questions etc. I would carry the date and at the end I was meh whilst they had love hearts in their eyes because I’d made them feel like they were the centre of attention.

I could have written this myself. So, SO often I will come away from a date absolutely fucking drained from men talking at me, me showing an interest / asking questions about what they’re telling me and them asking nothing at all in return. They feel like they’ve made this amazing connection, I feel like I’ve just finished hosting an episode of This Is Your Life.

 

[TillyMiffin]

Agree with @LaBlonde and @Kimmylookatme, it’s a matter of priorities. I don’t mean to sound harsh, but it doesn’t look like you’re high on the list. If I were you, I’d probably treat him in the same way. If he’s genuinely after it, he’ll try to fix it, if no - good riddance.

I took control!

 

[nobrains]

Thank you for all being so amazing!

@nobrains I’m going to give quite a blunt appraisal of what I think is happening with this man and it comes from a place of wanting you to move on and not cry more tears for someone who doesn’t deserve them.

His messages that you shared are the classic ‘it’s not you it’s me’. The truth is that for him it is you that is the problem. You are not what he wants. Any man will make time for someone they want to spend time with. Work pressures etc. is a convenient excuse. If he was invested in the relationship you would have been invited to his party. Plenty of people on here thought you were being silly feeling hurt about that, and it was normal for him not to invite you: had it been a family meal with nearest and dearest that would be true, but a big party with live music and loads of guests, nope.

He’s had a lovely time getting the girlfriend experience from you - in your words “Dates, sleep overs, lots of sex, me pampering him when he rolls over and basically begs me to scratch his back, him putting his head in my lap and telling me I make him feel "safe" etc.”

But he doesn’t want you as his girlfriend and you pushing for more commitment to make you feel things were progressing is what has made him step back. He’ll take with no promises but as soon as he’s being held accountable he’s out of there. I imagine he’ll be on dating apps by the weekend.

None of this is your fault, there was nothing you could have done or not done to change the outcome. Concentrate on the fact that I don’t think this man ever put you or your needs first and instead leeched off you and your good nature. I hope he chokes on one of the coeliac cookies you so kindly bought him.

You had me crying laughing at the "I hope he chokes on the coeliac cookies you so kindly bought him" I'm heading out for a driving lesson and I'm going to smash it

Thank you to each and EVERY one of you for all of the incredible love and support

Edit: ladies he also snores like a pig

 

[Sprottish]

So I’ve successfully drawn a line under Mr Single Bed, I was very frank about the fact we weren’t on the same page and hopefully that will be that.

I did see Mr Childish again at the weekend, we went for a walk and had some dinner. He was quite…..pushy shall I say about sex (not at all in a forceful way, just didn’t shut up about it and trying it on) so again I had a frank conversation with him about how I don’t think we’re well matched on the maturity front. Now he’s just trying so hard to convince me he’s mature and knows what he wants. Sigh.

Tried to engage in some more conversations on Hinge but man it’s so dry. Reading through this thread is making me wonder if I need to take a break from it all.

I also found out that my ex who I split up with on holiday in December is even more of a piece of shit than I (and everyone here) even realised. Early on, we had an ongoing joke because he called me Sarah by accident a couple of times. I used to say thing like “oh have you asked Sarah” or “what about your other girlfriend” and he’d play along with it. Once or twice I got a bit concerned and did address it there was someone else called Sarah (in the early days of dating you just never know do you) he always reassured me it was nothing. Told me a whole story about who Sarah was etc, an old friend, even his friends used to laugh and say don’t worry there’s no Sarah!

Well, the girl I saw pics of him with at Christmas (2 weeks after we split) and again recently at the airport who he now must be with- she’s called Sarah. Coincidence, eh? (Name not actually Sarah, less generic than that!)

He doesn’t know I know this, obviously. He literally bare faced lied to me the whole time even when asked outright. Who does that for a full year? I met all his friends, family, holidays etc.
I’m trying not to let it get to me but I’m so hurt and for the first time it’s making me really wary of dating, and also really angry that he thinks he’s gotten away with it. I’ll never ever ever contact him about it, but it just boils my blood and so many unanswered questions. I know I’ll never get the truth.

Trust your gut girls. I’m not really one for “when you know you know” but I KNEW something wasn’t right as the whole Sarah thing unraveled. God, I even asked him when we broke up if it had anything to do with that. How do they sleep at night?!

Once again thank GOD you were all here to make me see the light, stay strong and stay away!!

 

[Bagpuss7]

Just thought I'd let you all know that 3 days on I've heard absolutely nothing from Mr 5'7. I've mixed feelings tbh but the over riding one is what was the actual point of what he did ? Why bother to spend time with someone to the extent he did with me to then go onto behave how he has ? The one thought I've also had a few times is that as far as he's concerned I thought he was having an operation on Friday, I sent him good wishes on Thursday evening and again Friday morning and he also said he would let me know he was ok when he could, so the fact i could be worried or concerned about him doesn't appear to have occurred to him ? It's pretty cold and heartless isn't it ? I'm not worried about him! My gut instinct is that it was all lies. But i also think if I hadn't vented to you all here and gotten your supportive words and advice I might not be in such a good place. These men that act in these shitty ways really have no idea about the potential damage they can do do they? If they do they clearly don't care!

Anyway will draw a line under him now, just wanted to have one final vent here with you all.

 

[TillyMiffin]

Eeek I’ve got a date on Saturday! Mr ‘not had a date for 10 years’ been chatting online all weekend and he called me this afternoon, had a good chat, (see below) then I sent him a list of my child free weekends, and he said ‘this Saturday?’
We are going to go vinyl shopping and for some early dinner. It all seems very laid back, got lots in common etc. only thing is I’m not sure whether it’s going to be a date-date or a friend date: he hasn’t indicated that he fancies me or anything, so I guess I’ll just go with the flow? X

 

[nobrains]

Just checking in and hoping you are all ok? I've not really read the thread much as I don't feel I can offer any advice when I'm feeling how I'm feeling. It would be hypocritical of me to try and preach being strong and knowing your own worth when I'm I mess

I'm still in bits about Mr Birthday Gig. My mental health is really taking a hit at the moment I just feel heart broken and I don't know how to get rid of the feeling,is it normal to feel this upset? I booked my driving test yesterday and the first person I wanted to tell was him

 

[LaBlonde]

Just checking in and hoping you are all ok? I've not really read the thread much as I don't feel I can offer any advice when I'm feeling how I'm feeling. It would be hypocritical of me to try and preach being strong and knowing your own worth when I'm I mess

I'm still in bits about Mr Birthday Gig. My mental health is really taking a hit at the moment I just feel heart broken and I don't know how to get rid of the feeling,is it normal to feel this upset? I booked my driving test yesterday and the first person I wanted to tell was him

it’s completely normal to feel like that, it’s still so recent and you can’t just wipe out the feelings you had for him

huge congratulations for booking your test, that’s a big step! we’ll be sending you lots of happy driving vibes

i’m in full men are trash mode today as one of my favourite work colleagues is being ghosted by her boyfriend of ten months after he met her parents last weekend, hasn’t contacted her for three days and a friend of hers has seen him on tinder, why are men like this, it’s so cowardly.

 

[Belle123]

I’m glad I’m not the only one feeling like this! I’m shocked by the state of play. Men genuinely think they can put off fatherhood until later, because the media perpetuates this myth that men are still very fertile into their 40s. Not at all true, of course, and it’s us women who’ve been cast as the ones who lose our fertility as we hit our late 30s/early 40s. It’s a scientific fact the same things happen to men, but funny how we don’t hear that message so loudly! Add in that they think they have a choice amongst lots of women in their late 20s/early 30s (sorry guys, not all women of 30 want a 43 year old) and it’s part of the problem.

The apps seem to be a magnet for the selfish, egoists, driven to pull as many of their options as they can for casual sex. Then you’ve got the hurt/wounded ones making a bigger mess of things for themselves through using people on the apps to get over heartbreak/stay in denial of commitment issues. The well-intentioned amongst us seem to be sitting ducks for the bullets coming at us. I’m honestly baffled by some of my exes and their commitment issues. I had an ex acknowledge how big a potential we had, was quite emotional about it all, and admitted he was struggling to commit. It was heartbreaking to watch him throw our connection away for stupid reasons that had nothing to do with ‘us’, while I was left scratching my head. Dating gets harder, not easier, as you get older, because people have their baggage and battle scars.

The other side of it all is the pressure. The pressure of the dating culture. Like the three-date rule for sex that some people pay attention to. We’ve lost all sense of getting to know someone properly, especially when these past two years have eroded our ability to meet people organically. The silly thing is, many men would benefit from a slower pace. Many don’t realise that online dating is not a one size fits all approach, but people’s ability to communicate what they need and want properly is also being lost. We live in the era of being able to have what we want now. News is a click away. Validation is a few likes away. Our food is brought to us after a few taps on an app. Don’t like something minor about this person? Don’t worry, look at your ‘options’! Come order your next one and they’ll be delivered to you! The casual culture is killing commitment, loyalty and being happy with someone who might not be ‘perfect’ but is still, actually, a good match.

 

[LaBlonde]

i should say, for all my facetiousness, that i’m really feeling my lack of options at the moment i talk a big talk about being happy single, and i mainly am, but i can’t help wondering what’s wrong with me at this point. my mother found a lovely pocket watch of my grandfather’s last week and said to my dad “you can wear it if [lablonde] ever gets married” and then a sad little laugh. i feel for her that a lot of her friends are shopping for their mother of the bride outfits right now and i just can’t give her that experience.

also, if someone knows of a secret club where all the decent men in south wales are hiding themselves then please let me know because, wow.

 

[unidentified]

Latest opening message…Hey sexy wouldn't mind you squatting on my shaft mmm x
Why is it so difficult to get to the point of actually going on a date? Where do people meet people anymore?