Dating after lockdown #18 Show me your c*ck and I will block

[IGiveUp22]

Hey all, been a lurker on this thread for a while but felt I needed to join today because I’ve just been dumped. For the second time, in the space of 6 Mo the, by the same guy & im devastated. Sorry this will be long.
I’ve known of him since high school (I’m 29 now). we initially started dating October last year for 1 month & it was quite intense. After 1 month he decided he didn’t want a relationship & had freaked out at how fast it was going. I was upset but left it.
anyway, December, he came back apologising etc saying he’d been in a bad place mentally & just completely freaked out & we picked things back up because he appeared to be genuine.
everything’s been great (or so I thought) I’ve met all his friends numerous times, met all his family, he’s met mine, we spent a lot of time together, no arguments or issues. For the last month or so he has been down about his job & more so in the last few weeks I started to notice his mood being worse.He like wasn’t bothered about cleaning up & his hygiene as much etc so I had a feeling he was slipping into a bit of depression.
anyway, right up until Sunday everything’s been fine, he’s constantly complimenting me, saying he loved me, he was drunk Saturday & was saying he wants to be with me forever & all this. He usually phones Me/FT a lot but Monday I was in the office for work but he never phoned me later that night & I just got this gut feeling.
anyway today he’s done exactly what he did to me back in November. Saying he’s down/not happy (although it’s not me that’s not making him happy) & he doesn’t know how/why he’s feeling but he just knows “this” isn’t right. So I go over to collect my things & he proceeds to explain that there’s no “spark” his end. That he does love me but isn’t “in love” with me. That I’m amazing & im so good for him but his gut is saying “somethings missing” & that means something isn’t right but he doesn’t know what’s missing. So when I’ve questioned all the stuff he’s said/him behaving the way he has he just said he was probably trying to convince himself but he doesn’t want to lie. Obviously this has completely destroyed me because I didn’t see it coming. At all.
he then said he felt this way before (oct) but put it down to it being him/his low mood at the time so that’s why he contacted me again to try pick things back up. But obviously instead of just going on a few dates again to see if this “spark” was there, he sold me a dream & was telling me he loved me& all this & made me think we were on the same page.
i left then & he followed & just continued to make things worse/more confusing saying that it’s not that he doesn’t find me attractive because I’m “amazing & stunning” but it might be my personality… but then went on to say “but I still want to hang out with you, do things, go for coffee because I genuinely like you & like spending time with you” but a second ago it was my personality?? So why would you want to spend time with me??
He was on about staying friends which I said I couldn’t/didn’t want to do this.
i just feel extremely lost & confused & hurt.
this is my first “relationship” that I’ve tried after getting out of a really toxic relationship with a narc at the start of the first lockdown. It was a huge thing for me to let someone back in nearly 2 years after building myself back up & I honestly thought this guy was possibly my person (as daft as that sounds).
i don’t even know why I’m writing this. I’m just so so upset, I don’t know what I did wrong…Im back to questioning my judgement again which I worked so hard on after coming out of my previous relationship.
i wouldn’t want to be with someone if they don’t want to be with me, so I’m glad it’s happened now rather than months down the line but I also just don’t understand everything he has said because none of his actions/previous words match what’s just come out now & I don’t get it. It felt initially that he was unhappy with his life (ie job/money/motivation etc) that he’s just decided to shut me out completely but then he said all this about the spark so I have to respect that he said he feels this way but I’m just lost

 

[Bagpuss7]

Hey all, been a lurker on this thread for a while but felt I needed to join today because I’ve just been dumped. For the second time, in the space of 6 Mo the, by the same guy & im devastated. Sorry this will be long.
I’ve known of him since high school (I’m 29 now). we initially started dating October last year for 1 month & it was quite intense. After 1 month he decided he didn’t want a relationship & had freaked out at how fast it was going. I was upset but left it.
anyway, December, he came back apologising etc saying he’d been in a bad place mentally & just completely freaked out & we picked things back up because he appeared to be genuine.
everything’s been great (or so I thought) I’ve met all his friends numerous times, met all his family, he’s met mine, we spent a lot of time together, no arguments or issues. For the last month or so he has been down about his job & more so in the last few weeks I started to notice his mood being worse.He like wasn’t bothered about cleaning up & his hygiene as much etc so I had a feeling he was slipping into a bit of depression.
anyway, right up until Sunday everything’s been fine, he’s constantly complimenting me, saying he loved me, he was drunk Saturday & was saying he wants to be with me forever & all this. He usually phones Me/FT a lot but Monday I was in the office for work but he never phoned me later that night & I just got this gut feeling.
anyway today he’s done exactly what he did to me back in November. Saying he’s down/not happy (although it’s not me that’s not making him happy) & he doesn’t know how/why he’s feeling but he just knows “this” isn’t right. So I go over to collect my things & he proceeds to explain that there’s no “spark” his end. That he does love me but isn’t “in love” with me. That I’m amazing & im so good for him but his gut is saying “somethings missing” & that means something isn’t right but he doesn’t know what’s missing. So when I’ve questioned all the stuff he’s said/him behaving the way he has he just said he was probably trying to convince himself but he doesn’t want to lie. Obviously this has completely destroyed me because I didn’t see it coming. At all.
he then said he felt this way before (oct) but put it down to it being him/his low mood at the time so that’s why he contacted me again to try pick things back up. But obviously instead of just going on a few dates again to see if this “spark” was there, he sold me a dream & was telling me he loved me& all this & made me think we were on the same page.
i left then & he followed & just continued to make things worse/more confusing saying that it’s not that he doesn’t find me attractive because I’m “amazing & stunning” but it might be my personality… but then went on to say “but I still want to hang out with you, do things, go for coffee because I genuinely like you & like spending time with you” but a second ago it was my personality?? So why would you want to spend time with me??
He was on about staying friends which I said I couldn’t/didn’t want to do this.
i just feel extremely lost & confused & hurt.
this is my first “relationship” that I’ve tried after getting out of a really toxic relationship with a narc at the start of the first lockdown. It was a huge thing for me to let someone back in nearly 2 years after building myself back up & I honestly thought this guy was possibly my person (as daft as that sounds).
i don’t even know why I’m writing this. I’m just so so upset, I don’t know what I did wrong…Im back to questioning my judgement again which I worked so hard on after coming out of my previous relationship.
i wouldn’t want to be with someone if they don’t want to be with me, so I’m glad it’s happened now rather than months down the line but I also just don’t understand everything he has said because none of his actions/previous words match what’s just come out now & I don’t get it. It felt initially that he was unhappy with his life (ie job/money/motivation etc) that he’s just decided to shut me out completely but then he said all this about the spark so I have to respect that he said he feels this way but I’m just lost

Sending you a massive, massive hug you've come to the right place. I'm just going to re read

Sending you a massive, massive hug you've come to the right place. I'm just going to re read

So much to process, I've a few questions...has there been any noticeable signs that he has been unhappy with you? Could there be externals involved as in another person ?

 

[Clickbait]

Hey all, been a lurker on this thread for a while but felt I needed to join today because I’ve just been dumped. For the second time, in the space of 6 Mo the, by the same guy & im devastated. Sorry this will be long.
I’ve known of him since high school (I’m 29 now). we initially started dating October last year for 1 month & it was quite intense. After 1 month he decided he didn’t want a relationship & had freaked out at how fast it was going. I was upset but left it.
anyway, December, he came back apologising etc saying he’d been in a bad place mentally & just completely freaked out & we picked things back up because he appeared to be genuine.
everything’s been great (or so I thought) I’ve met all his friends numerous times, met all his family, he’s met mine, we spent a lot of time together, no arguments or issues. For the last month or so he has been down about his job & more so in the last few weeks I started to notice his mood being worse.He like wasn’t bothered about cleaning up & his hygiene as much etc so I had a feeling he was slipping into a bit of depression.
anyway, right up until Sunday everything’s been fine, he’s constantly complimenting me, saying he loved me, he was drunk Saturday & was saying he wants to be with me forever & all this. He usually phones Me/FT a lot but Monday I was in the office for work but he never phoned me later that night & I just got this gut feeling.
anyway today he’s done exactly what he did to me back in November. Saying he’s down/not happy (although it’s not me that’s not making him happy) & he doesn’t know how/why he’s feeling but he just knows “this” isn’t right. So I go over to collect my things & he proceeds to explain that there’s no “spark” his end. That he does love me but isn’t “in love” with me. That I’m amazing & im so good for him but his gut is saying “somethings missing” & that means something isn’t right but he doesn’t know what’s missing. So when I’ve questioned all the stuff he’s said/him behaving the way he has he just said he was probably trying to convince himself but he doesn’t want to lie. Obviously this has completely destroyed me because I didn’t see it coming. At all.
he then said he felt this way before (oct) but put it down to it being him/his low mood at the time so that’s why he contacted me again to try pick things back up. But obviously instead of just going on a few dates again to see if this “spark” was there, he sold me a dream & was telling me he loved me& all this & made me think we were on the same page.
i left then & he followed & just continued to make things worse/more confusing saying that it’s not that he doesn’t find me attractive because I’m “amazing & stunning” but it might be my personality… but then went on to say “but I still want to hang out with you, do things, go for coffee because I genuinely like you & like spending time with you” but a second ago it was my personality?? So why would you want to spend time with me??
He was on about staying friends which I said I couldn’t/didn’t want to do this.
i just feel extremely lost & confused & hurt.
this is my first “relationship” that I’ve tried after getting out of a really toxic relationship with a narc at the start of the first lockdown. It was a huge thing for me to let someone back in nearly 2 years after building myself back up & I honestly thought this guy was possibly my person (as daft as that sounds).
i don’t even know why I’m writing this. I’m just so so upset, I don’t know what I did wrong…Im back to questioning my judgement again which I worked so hard on after coming out of my previous relationship.
i wouldn’t want to be with someone if they don’t want to be with me, so I’m glad it’s happened now rather than months down the line but I also just don’t understand everything he has said because none of his actions/previous words match what’s just come out now & I don’t get it. It felt initially that he was unhappy with his life (ie job/money/motivation etc) that he’s just decided to shut me out completely but then he said all this about the spark so I have to respect that he said he feels this way but I’m just lost

Honestly, you’re not the problem here. This man sounds like he doesn’t know what he wants and actually he needs to work on himself rather than expecting someone else (i.e. you) to make him happy and fulfil his every want/need.

I’m sure you can see that as he has simultaneously told you there is something missing but he doesn’t know what, but clearly that it’s you but that he finds you attractive so it’s your personality but he still wants to see you and spend time with you because he enjoys your company and therefore your personality ‍

Please don’t spend time thinking you did something wrong in this scenario - you gave someone you liked a second chance and took what they were telling you at face value. Now he’s singing a different tune but next month he could change his mind again.

My advice would be to distance yourself from him. Do things to make yourself happy - I imagine you’ve been putting him and his needs first for a while which is what often happens when you’re in a relationship with someone who has depression and other MH conditions. You probably won’t realise how much you’ve been carrying on your shoulders until you’ve had some time apart.

Try and look to the positives, and not dwell on what he’s said. He seems very confused and could be pushing you away because you’re an easy thing to try and control.

 

[IGiveUp22]

Sending you a massive, massive hug you've come to the right place. I'm just going to re read


So much to process, I've a few questions...has there been any noticeable signs that he has been unhappy with you? Could there be externals involved as in another person ?

None. Literally 0 signs at all. Other than him not calling me before bed last night & being quiet today text wise which is when I had this gut feeling it was happening again.
0 signs of another person or other involvement. I also questioned that today which he denied (but suppose he is going to). I also asked this the first time which he denied then too. This was my first thought at the time but when he’d got back in touch in the December he’d said since ending things with me he’d shut himself away for 1 month, didn’t see him friends or go out & just shut himself away due to him feeling so tit?

 

[IGiveUp22]

Honestly, you’re not the problem here. This man sounds like he doesn’t know what he wants and actually he needs to work on himself rather than expecting someone else (i.e. you) to make him happy and fulfil his every want/need.

I’m sure you can see that as he has simultaneously told you there is something missing but he doesn’t know what, but clearly that it’s you but that he finds you attractive so it’s your personality but he still wants to see you and spend time with you because he enjoys your company and therefore your personality ‍

Please don’t spend time thinking you did something wrong in this scenario - you gave someone you liked a second chance and took what they were telling you at face value. Now he’s singing a different tune but next month he could change his mind again.

My advice would be to distance yourself from him. Do things to make yourself happy - I imagine you’ve been putting him and his needs first for a while which is what often happens when you’re in a relationship with someone who has depression and other MH conditions. You probably won’t realise how much you’ve been carrying on your shoulders until you’ve had some time apart.

Try and look to the positives, and not dwell on what he’s said. He seems very confused and could be pushing you away because you’re an easy thing to try and control.

Thank you, this has helped me almost rationalise things as in it really does sound like he hasn’t a clue what’s going on. I’m glad you were just as confused by what he said! You always automatically think “it’s me” don’t you?

yeah I haven’t really thought about it like that. I haven’t realised how much I have been there/done to try help & support him as I really did/ think a lot about him.
Yes I have come off social media & my phone will firmly be on DND for the foreseeable. I have no desire to contact him after what he’s said but if I do in the future then I’ll probably just delete his number. I managed to do no contact before so hopefully no problems doing it again!
just thank you for replying, I’ve seen on here how supportive you all are. I don’t really feel ready to tell my friends yet but just needed to get this off my chest & have some other’s views!

 

[TillyMiffin]

Thank you, this has helped me almost rationalise things as in it really does sound like he hasn’t a clue what’s going on. I’m glad you were just as confused by what he said! You always automatically think “it’s me” don’t you?

yeah I haven’t really thought about it like that. I haven’t realised how much I have been there/done to try help & support him as I really did/ think a lot about him.
Yes I have come off social media & my phone will firmly be on DND for the foreseeable. I have no desire to contact him after what he’s said but if I do in the future then I’ll probably just delete his number. I managed to do no contact before so hopefully no problems doing it again!
just thank you for replying, I’ve seen on here how supportive you all are. I don’t really feel ready to tell my friends yet but just needed to get this off my chest & have some other’s views!

You’re being so sensible and emotionally mature. It’s totally his issue. He sounds really messed up x

 

[unidentified]

I completely second what clickbait has said. I am very sorry that you are having to go through this again and I am sending you lots of strength to get through this which you absolutely will.

 

[UndrTheCosh]

Sorry to hear that. He is clearly troubled and the muddled explanations suggest you are well out of there. At least it hasn’t dragged on for too much of the year - look at the positives

 

[Belle123]

Hey all, been a lurker on this thread for a while but felt I needed to join today because I’ve just been dumped. For the second time, in the space of 6 Mo the, by the same guy & im devastated. Sorry this will be long.
I’ve known of him since high school (I’m 29 now). we initially started dating October last year for 1 month & it was quite intense. After 1 month he decided he didn’t want a relationship & had freaked out at how fast it was going. I was upset but left it.
anyway, December, he came back apologising etc saying he’d been in a bad place mentally & just completely freaked out & we picked things back up because he appeared to be genuine.
everything’s been great (or so I thought) I’ve met all his friends numerous times, met all his family, he’s met mine, we spent a lot of time together, no arguments or issues. For the last month or so he has been down about his job & more so in the last few weeks I started to notice his mood being worse.He like wasn’t bothered about cleaning up & his hygiene as much etc so I had a feeling he was slipping into a bit of depression.
anyway, right up until Sunday everything’s been fine, he’s constantly complimenting me, saying he loved me, he was drunk Saturday & was saying he wants to be with me forever & all this. He usually phones Me/FT a lot but Monday I was in the office for work but he never phoned me later that night & I just got this gut feeling.
anyway today he’s done exactly what he did to me back in November. Saying he’s down/not happy (although it’s not me that’s not making him happy) & he doesn’t know how/why he’s feeling but he just knows “this” isn’t right. So I go over to collect my things & he proceeds to explain that there’s no “spark” his end. That he does love me but isn’t “in love” with me. That I’m amazing & im so good for him but his gut is saying “somethings missing” & that means something isn’t right but he doesn’t know what’s missing. So when I’ve questioned all the stuff he’s said/him behaving the way he has he just said he was probably trying to convince himself but he doesn’t want to lie. Obviously this has completely destroyed me because I didn’t see it coming. At all.
he then said he felt this way before (oct) but put it down to it being him/his low mood at the time so that’s why he contacted me again to try pick things back up. But obviously instead of just going on a few dates again to see if this “spark” was there, he sold me a dream & was telling me he loved me& all this & made me think we were on the same page.
i left then & he followed & just continued to make things worse/more confusing saying that it’s not that he doesn’t find me attractive because I’m “amazing & stunning” but it might be my personality… but then went on to say “but I still want to hang out with you, do things, go for coffee because I genuinely like you & like spending time with you” but a second ago it was my personality?? So why would you want to spend time with me??
He was on about staying friends which I said I couldn’t/didn’t want to do this.
i just feel extremely lost & confused & hurt.
this is my first “relationship” that I’ve tried after getting out of a really toxic relationship with a narc at the start of the first lockdown. It was a huge thing for me to let someone back in nearly 2 years after building myself back up & I honestly thought this guy was possibly my person (as daft as that sounds).
i don’t even know why I’m writing this. I’m just so so upset, I don’t know what I did wrong…Im back to questioning my judgement again which I worked so hard on after coming out of my previous relationship.
i wouldn’t want to be with someone if they don’t want to be with me, so I’m glad it’s happened now rather than months down the line but I also just don’t understand everything he has said because none of his actions/previous words match what’s just come out now & I don’t get it. It felt initially that he was unhappy with his life (ie job/money/motivation etc) that he’s just decided to shut me out completely but then he said all this about the spark so I have to respect that he said he feels this way but I’m just lost

I’m so sorry to read this. You must be so upset right now. Sending you a big hug

He’s saying it’s you because that’s easier than facing, and dealing with, the mental health issues you’ve outlined. A lot of people will find ‘fault’ with the other person rather than realise it’s them. Denial is hard to fight. You can’t fix him. If we take the second go at this, it’s been no more than 3 months? Not everyone is “in love” that quickly! Solid love takes time to develop. He undoubtedly has feelings but maybe he thinks they should be something else/more intense or something, rather than realising he simply hasn’t given it that much time! If he’s depressed, that’s a bit of a block on emotional availability too. He seems to be overreacting/overthinking? I agree with what @Clickbait has said about the nonsensical/contradictory explanations.

Best thing, to help yourself here, is to accept the breakup and give yourself, and him, space. Have a good cry and try not to think this is about you. Don’t let anything he said about your personality and so on let you turn this inwards on you and shake your esteem. You’re no doubt wonderful and, if he really has decided you’re not a match for him, then he needs to let you go - none of this friend bullshit so he can lean on you, even try and still sleep with you. You will find someone worthier out there in time. I know you like this one, but don’t you deserve better than this? I really recommend you do not contact him. Don’t. I promise it will get easier. Not straight away, but it will. You must focus on you now. The space and time will give him a chance to sort himself and think. Even if he tried coming back, do you want a third go at it? That’s exhausting for you. You need proper space to ponder this. You’ll see him very differently in a month if you give yourself space and a chance to process it all. He won’t give you the answers/closure, so don’t torture yourself. I know you’re blindsided, confused and in pain right now. If he contacts you, politely ask for space.

 

[unidentified]

We all need a @Belle123 in our lives

 

[Fledgling Psycho]

@IGiveUp22 I'm sorry you are going through this for a second time. I went through something very similar and you read all the time if they have this type of character then they'll do it again. You don't want to believe that though if you're really into them.

Throw this one back in the sea and start to heal as best you can. Really feel for you. It's hard reading about these awful selfish men & yes @Bella123 is amazing!

 

[Mr Sparkle]

@IGiveUp22 I'm sorry this happened to you. You've really been messed around. You haven't done anything wrong here and @Clickbait & @Belle123 are spot on with their advice!!

Tonight I'm feeling a bit paranoid that the guy I'm seeing is fading me We last saw each other on Sunday morning. Exchanged a few messages yesterday when he sent me some photos he'd taken of me at the weekend. Then a couple of messages today but he's left me on read this evening.

We've taken it in turns to suggest dates so far and I did the last one, so kinda want him to suggest doing something next even though I'm realllly keen to know when we'll next hang out. He does seem keen in other ways - wanting me to meet a friend, also the mention of joining me on a trip I'm taking in May, affectionate when we're together - but I'm just a little bit wary that he might be less interested in me than I am in him.

Just a rant I guess. Would you be waiting for them to make the next plan at this point?

 

[Belle123]

We all need a @Belle123 in our lives

Wow how kind! Thank you to you and @Fledgling Psycho

That kindness brought a tear to my eye. Being a messy human too, I’m myself struggling tonight, knowing my ex texted me two days ago, yet is still shopping for my replacement. Seeing what others are going through, and the compassionate advice, brought me down to earth with a bang. I have to remind myself of my own advice and I’ve stopped all negative self-chatter. I love this gang for that reason!

@IGiveUp22 I'm sorry this happened to you. You've really been messed around. You haven't done anything wrong here and @Clickbait & @Belle123 are spot on with their advice!!

Tonight I'm feeling a bit paranoid that the guy I'm seeing is fading me We last saw each other on Sunday morning. Exchanged a few messages yesterday when he sent me some photos he'd taken of me at the weekend. Then a couple of messages today but he's left me on read this evening.

We've taken it in turns to suggest dates so far and I did the last one, so kinda want him to suggest doing something next even though I'm realllly keen to know when we'll next hang out. He does seem keen in other ways - wanting me to meet a friend, also the mention of joining me on a trip I'm taking in May, affectionate when we're together - but I'm just a little bit wary that he might be less interested in me than I am in him.

Just a rant I guess. Would you be waiting for them to make the next plan at this point?

Thank you

Maybe step back and see if he initiates the next message. It’s hard but don’t message him and let him come to you.

 

[UndrTheCosh]

@Mr Sparkle If you really like him, reach out to arrange something - life’s too short.

 

[Kimmylookatme]

@IGiveUp22 I'm sorry this happened to you. You've really been messed around. You haven't done anything wrong here and @Clickbait & @Belle123 are spot on with their advice!!

Tonight I'm feeling a bit paranoid that the guy I'm seeing is fading me We last saw each other on Sunday morning. Exchanged a few messages yesterday when he sent me some photos he'd taken of me at the weekend. Then a couple of messages today but he's left me on read this evening.

We've taken it in turns to suggest dates so far and I did the last one, so kinda want him to suggest doing something next even though I'm realllly keen to know when we'll next hang out. He does seem keen in other ways - wanting me to meet a friend, also the mention of joining me on a trip I'm taking in May, affectionate when we're together - but I'm just a little bit wary that he might be less interested in me than I am in him.

Just a rant I guess. Would you be waiting for them to make the next plan at this point?

I’d want him to be suggesting it too - but I agree life is short etc just ask if you want to! See what he says

 

[SpindleWhorl]

What do you think of age gaps? The guy I went on a date with on Saturday 10 years younger than me but he said it's not an issue for him

 

[unidentified]

What do you think of age gaps? The guy I went on a date with on Saturday 10 years younger than me but he said it's not an issue for him

I think that is absolutely fine as an age gap. So long as you both have fun and are on the same page what’s the harm?

 

[MsCurly]

Hello everyone. It’s been a few days since I posted.

I’m so proud of everyone on this thread. How everyone handles their problems and gives advice here… it’s truly remarkable. One of the nicest places on the internet.

So, I’m in Tel Aviv and I’m doing some swiping late at night. I’ve been chatting to a nice guy so I decided that we will meet up for drinks. However, when I showed him to my friends here, they were convinced he dated someone in our circle so I’m trying to figure out how to deal with that. I think I will reach out to said friend to ask her if she is okay with it.

As for apps, I only use bumble. There are too many weirdos on tinder, and any other dating app seems to be full of older creeps who are looking for a sugar baby.

 

[Mr Sparkle]

So I caved and asked him, and his response was a bit tepid. Said this week is packed but how about next week (no day specified). Gonna just stay away from messaging for the week as the ball is very much in his court... :/

 

[TillyMiffin]

So I caved and asked him, and his response was a bit tepid. Said this week is packed but how about next week (no day specified). Gonna just stay away from messaging for the week as the ball is very much in his court... :/

How long have you been seeing him? Is it normally a couple of dates per week or do you spend whole weekends together etc? X