Dating after lockdown #18 Show me your c*ck and I will block

[Bagpuss7]

Bit of a tangent but I know some of you have children and must have been in this scenario before (so have i but it felt different for whatever reason, plus I definitely made mistakes.) bit of context I introduced my ex to my children after 9/10 months of being together (had known him for 7 years though.) that was In October time of that year and we broke up April of the next. I was absolutely furious that he’d agreed not to come into their lives unless he was completely sure but he admitted once we broke up he’d been having doubts since the bloody summer. All in all, it wasn’t ideal - we reached a point where they’d both formed a bond with him (youngest more than oldest) and my youngest still asks about him now and when he’s ‘coming back’ as to her he’s just mummy’s best friend and she doesn’t understand etc. Neither of them are traumatised from it or anything; the eldest just thinks he’s a bit of a knob and laughs about it now. Fast forward to now and they have met my current partner very casually (obviously thought long and hard about introducing someone else beforehand etc.) I guess any advice on how to kind of step it up to a point where, if all goes to plan, we would potentially be living together within the next year or so? What’s an appropriate way to increase contact but in a way that isn’t going to mess them up if god forbid it does all go tits up? I feel like I’ve been more cautious both times than either of my parents were but clearly it hasn’t been enough.

Also, anyone else who has children find the pressure of being with someone who doesn’t and them seeing your parenting weirdly terrifying?! Like, he wants to have children one day so I feel like it’s kind of unfair he gets to see my haphazard parenting and judge it whereas I don’t have a clue what he’d be like

I'm sure lots of the ladies with younger children can offer some guidance..only thing I would say is that you need to be very certain there is a future with these men before you start introducing your children to them and even then I'm not sure it's necessary if you are just dating. Also if and when you are going to introduce them I think it should be in neutral places and not in your children's home.

Protecting your children's mental health is soo important. Making emotional connections with people that then vanish when your relationships end is emotionally damaging to them and can cause trust issues, especially if they decide there is no point liking 'Barry' because he will just leave the same way ' Wayne' did and 'Norman' did..it's confusing and upsetting for them and we shouldn't be teaching them the life lesson that people we love don't always stay when they are still learning how to form relationships. It's hard enough as adults to process people leaving our lives !

Hope this makes sense ! Hard to word it eloquently!

 

[Wowitsme]

I think when you have children it does depend on their age and circumstance. I found with my partner it was a gradual thing. Every contact there was more time spent, now my child is older so introductions and interactions were easier and they get on so well but it was never forced it was a natural progression.

 

[Bagpuss7]

I think when you have children it does depend on their age and circumstance. I found with my partner it was a gradual thing. Every contact there was more time spent, now my child is older so introductions and interactions were easier and they get on so well but it was never forced it was a natural progression.

Yes ..once you make the decision to introduce them it absolutely has to be child led. How we learn to form relationships in our former years is soo important ...damaged children with trust issues become damaged adults sadly.

 

[Wowitsme]

Also I made sure to spend quality time with my child too because it was always just us two so I wanted to still have that quality time

 

[Kimmylookatme]

Thanks for the input
I agree with everything you’ve both said and will reply properly once the sprogs are in bed!

 

[Cammiebrett]

Tbf I've been with my fella nearly three years and we haven't met each others kids yet, so any advice would be great for me too ha he wanted to after a couple of months, but I said no as I had made a rule for her dad and for me that neither of us would introduce anyone to her until we had been with them at least a year and it was definitely serious as I don't want her meeting people who aren't going to stay in her life.
My issue is that if she meets my partner and doesnt like him, that would be the end of the relationship for me as I couldn't be with someone that my daughter doesn't like.

 

[unidentified]

It's really tough with kids isn't it. My daughter met my ex and still mentions him 8 years on. It breaks my heart every time but he has been the only person she's ever met.

 

[Kimmylookatme]

It’s really hard. And I think there’s an element of you could wait ten years and then introduce them and then you still break up. I mean it’s different but my ex husband and the girls’ father and I were together a decade, got married and broke up four months later. You just never can be completely sure.

My dad and stepmum actually met when my stepmum posted an ad looking for friends for her daughter haha, I was a year older than her and my dad replied, my stepsister is severely disabled so they kind of realised they were in love then moved in together pretty fast so he could help out with childcare etc. They’re still going strong 26 years later but it’s just luck (wnd a bit of judgement I guess) because my mum also moved on with someone else quite fast, and they didn’t work out.

 

[secretsu]

I have a secondary school age child and my boyfriend has a young primary aged child, we have been together since July last year and have not met each others children yet. My daughter knows I'm dating someone and I left it totally up to her if she met him or not, she chose not to right now. I talk about him now and again so he isn't a secret or anything. I wanted her to be in control of the situation as her father did the total opposite in introducing her to someone suddenly shortly after our split which unsettled her.
As others have said, it's very much down to the situation and age of the children as to what works best for them, I would be tempted to introduce very slowly though. It's a tricky thing to navigate as we both want whats best for the children and yet selfishly we want to be together.

 

[Annyct]

Just wanted to come on and say this is my new fave thread. Been single almost 4 years and have an almost 4 year old daughter, my first time dating anyone after having my daughter we dated for 4 months and he ghosted me twice. Fist time I forgave him second time oh actually I also forgave him and then he apologised and we went out for dinner and he ghosted me again. Got a history of abusive relationships and trying to meet people is pretty hard as a single mum. Been on and off dating apps for just over 2 years. After dating a guy I met at the gym for 2 months (it became very intense very fast he was very controlling it was toxic) I’ve actually got a bit of a healthier attitude towards it all. I want to be in a relationship but it’s more important it’s happy and healthy. I find dating and chatting etc exhausting and doing it over and over again is just erghhh

my contribution to funny excuses, been chatting to a guyI met on tinder for a few months, he lives about 150 miles away so needed planning to see him.We’d been talking about my next child free night going up there for the day/night for weeks and it came to the week before and I said something about seeing him next week. He said oh is it next week. I can’t do that I forgot that I’m a Muslim. I was like wrmmmm what?That makes no sense why would that stop us hanging out. Stupid idiot forgot the fact that I followed him on ig. Anyway hi and hopefully I’ll be contributing to these threads morw

 

[Cammiebrett]

Just wanted to come on and say this is my new fave thread. Been single almost 4 years and have an almost 4 year old daughter, my first time dating anyone after having my daughter we dated for 4 months and he ghosted me twice. Fist time I forgave him second time oh actually I also forgave him and then he apologised and we went out for dinner and he ghosted me again. Got a history of abusive relationships and trying to meet people is pretty hard as a single mum. Been on and off dating apps for just over 2 years. After dating a guy I met at the gym for 2 months (it became very intense very fast he was very controlling it was toxic) I’ve actually got a bit of a healthier attitude towards it all. I want to be in a relationship but it’s more important it’s happy and healthy. I find dating and chatting etc exhausting and doing it over and over again is just erghhh

my contribution to funny excuses, been chatting to a guyI met on tinder for a few months, he lives about 150 miles away so needed planning to see him.We’d been talking about my next child free night going up there for the day/night for weeks and it came to the week before and I said something about seeing him next week. He said oh is it next week. I can’t do that I forgot that I’m a Muslim. I was like wrmmmm what?That makes no sense why would that stop us hanging out. Stupid idiot forgot the fact that I followed him on ig. Anyway hi and hopefully I’ll be contributing to these threads morw

Wait....why would being a Muslim stop him seeing you....and how could he forget he was Muslim?

 

[Sandor]

I’ve been ruminating today ahead of seeing ‘him’ tomorrow- one of the things he does that drives me crazy is say ‘I’m super busy today’ or ‘I’ll be busy til x’ rather than just say ‘hey come at x’ or you know, realise I’m not going to sit their panicking if I don’t get a message from him because I know he’s out there living his life and shock horror I actually trust him because he’s never given me a reason not to.

Is this a thing? Or is it him specific? I never know if I’m supposed to react or ask what he’s up to but I know exactly what his days look like - working or doing life admin. He’s a simple man with predictable habits.

Also, I know I’m going over the stupidest things but I’m letting myself feel them all (I’ve been suppressing) so I’ll just be my normal self tomorrow.

 

[Belle123]

I’ve been ruminating today ahead of seeing ‘him’ tomorrow- one of the things he does that drives me crazy is say ‘I’m super busy today’ or ‘I’ll be busy til x’ rather than just say ‘hey come at x’ or you know, realise I’m not going to sit their panicking if I don’t get a message from him because I know he’s out there living his life and shock horror I actually trust him because he’s never given me a reason not to.

Is this a thing? Or is it him specific? I never know if I’m supposed to react or ask what he’s up to but I know exactly what his days look like - working or doing life admin. He’s a simple man with predictable habits.

Also, I know I’m going over the stupidest things but I’m letting myself feel them all (I’ve been suppressing) so I’ll just be my normal self tomorrow.

He could be trying to stir up curiosity, so you ask what he’s up to. I never take this bait either, if I sense it’s obvious

Who wanted to meet up this time, him or you?

 

[Sandor]

He could be trying to stir up curiosity, so you ask what he’s up to. I never take this bait either, if I sense it’s obvious

Who wanted to meet up this time, him or you?

He did. In a complete twist of irony, I’ve been making sure I’m always doing busy things. I only gave in for a quick coffee as he knew I was in his town anyway for work in the morning.

Then part of me is just like, go and find a Scandinavian instead…

 

[BessieB]

Woman reveals a cruel message she got from her Bumble match

‘You are absolutely gorgeous and you dodged a bullet,’ one respondent writes in the comments

www.independent.co.uk

This is so awful! Makes me want to give up the apps for good

 

[Belle123]

He did. In a complete twist of irony, I’ve been making sure I’m always doing busy things. I only gave in for a quick coffee as he knew I was in his town anyway for work in the morning.

Then part of me is just like, go and find a Scandinavian instead…

That’s great, and has probably been a good distraction from it all. It can’t be easy for you to have him going back and forth with you like this, but at least you’re able to talk and that helps you make decisions about him too. I hope you’re ok and it goes well. I understand the conflict between seeing exactly what’s going on with him and the impact on you, but still wanting to be there/in contact in some way.

Ha! I can see the appeal!

 

[Sandor]

Woman reveals a cruel message she got from her Bumble match

‘You are absolutely gorgeous and you dodged a bullet,’ one respondent writes in the comments

www.independent.co.uk

This is so awful! Makes me want to give up the apps for good

That’s not even the first story I’ve seen like that. I do wonder if it is extreme negging. And the way he doesn’t like being anonymously called out!

 

[Annyct]

Wait....why would being a Muslim stop him seeing you....and how could he forget he was Muslim?

EXACTLY!

 

[Agent Cooper]

I’ve seen a lot during my online dating period, but your guy easily takes the cake @Annyct …Why did he even bring it up? That’s literally the most random excuse! If his faith was important to him he would have made it clear first thing. I don’t date Muslim guys as a rule because most of them are looking for a very specific type of woman which is everything I’m not. A shame, I’ve met some really handsome Turkish men.

I’ve binned Mr. Flight Attendant because he kept asking for my Facebook all while making very boring conversation. When I did not reply to him within 20 minutes he sent me a smiley face. I don’t know whether he was being passive aggressive or trying to get my attention but, either way, a big no from me. I think I’m going to stay away from the apps and just follow your ladies’ stories and see if I can give some advice. Don’t want to waste my time on fruitless conversations and boring guys anymore.

On a more lighthearted note, what is everyone’s type? We’ve discussed red flags, green flags, character traits, but what about looks? I’ll start: I like dark-haired men, not too tall, preferably around 5’10”-5’11”, with nice eyebrows and a defined jawline/cheekbones.

 

[unidentified]

On a more lighthearted note, what is everyone’s type? We’ve discussed red flags, green flags, character traits, but what about looks? I’ll start: I like dark-haired men, not too tall, preferably around 5’10”-5’11”, with nice eyebrows and a defined jawline/cheekbones.

Oooo yes please! Hair is a non negotiable for me. I really don't want a bald man. I love dark hair and dark eyes (only dated gingers though ), a beard or at least stubble. Cyclist build. Glasses. Wears a pair of well made slim fit jeans and a pair of boots. Any wonder I'm single?