He’s major gaslighting me and denying that everything I’ve seen was him. I do deserve much better than this, it’s just horrible because I can’t help feeling like it’s my fault/ I’m not good enough.
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It's not your fault and you are good enough - repeat those to yourself.
You can't change his behaviours but you can change the feelings you have towards yourself. I would cut ties because the more he is able to behave his way, he more that he will. I know that you'll feel sad but think about why - do you actually miss him? Or do you think he was fulfilling something? If so, where did that come from? Is there something from your childhood that you're still holding a belief from (I.e not feeling good enough/loved enough?) Or just anything in your history that made this false belief (which it is just your story your conscious mind is telling you).
Easy for me to say, but block him on everything. Start loving you , trusting you, working on you. We accept the love we think we deserve; and let me tell you. You deserve so much better.
Why are we all ditching the apps all of a sudden. Maybe @Boadicea1 is just going through a dry spell.
Because they're not great are they.... lol I can't ever say they've been a good mood booster for me or made me think that there's something great round the corner if I'm honest
I think the apps can be a means to an end. If you can take them for what they are, cope with the fact they’re probably not as regulated as they should be, and deal with some crappy behaviour but brush it off and rise above it they can be fine, they can even be fun.
If you’re in a bad place, low on resilience and self-esteem, not over a previous relationship or still wounded by past experiences they are the worst!
If you’re in a bad place, low on resilience and self-esteem, not over a previous relationship or still wounded by past experiences they are the worst!
Do you reckon "kink" in a profile is always a red flag? It's usually an immediate no from me. I'm not exactly vanilla but to me it's the equivalent of announcing your sexual tastes at the dinner table on a date, like, let's see if we're compatible as human beings before you start telling me you want your bollocks in a bear trap to get off. I think if someone's looking for a specific kink catered to they should duck off to fetlife or wherever.
The reason I ask is that I was being nosy on Bumble and swiping left on everyone because I don't have the energy for anything but hibernating, but then spotted a guy who had a really good profile, common interests, even a similar job and he's my type physically but of course he had to mention he's not vanilla.
I know only I can decide what is acceptable, I'm just thinking aloud I guess.
The reason I ask is that I was being nosy on Bumble and swiping left on everyone because I don't have the energy for anything but hibernating, but then spotted a guy who had a really good profile, common interests, even a similar job and he's my type physically but of course he had to mention he's not vanilla.
I know only I can decide what is acceptable, I'm just thinking aloud I guess.
You're too good for him. He's a see-you-next Tuesday. Ditch him.
It puts me off too.
Feeling sooo deflated this morning...
Been single since June after a short but serious relation with Satan himself... the man completely love-bombed me and once he got bored started slowly rejecting and gaslighting me... I found out later he'd taken someone else out the same day he ended it with me (they're in a relationship now) and then that he had cheated with at least two other people. I also found out a lot about his past that he'd lied about and I know I had a lucky escape but it left me feeling completely broken and with zero self-worth and self-confidence. Before I met him I'd been single for three years by choice to work on myself after an incredibly abusive relationship and after years of therapy and medication I'd finally gotten myself into a good place only to be right back there again. I've spent the summer again working on myself and having therapy and took the plunge joining Tinder/Bumble...
Arranged a date with someone last night - no concrete plans made but the date was agreed and he kept saying he couldn't wait to meet me. Last spoke Monday morning and he was taking his kids away for the day - my last message was asking whether he wanted to grab food or just a drink on Tuesday... no response after that and he hadn't even read it by 9pm last night. So I messaged again and he immediately responded to say he was so sorry but he'd got in at 2am and was up again at 6am and still working... I work 14 hour days sometimes (admittedly from home) but could still find 30 seconds to send a text!
Why is it just so hard? I have no faith now that I'll ever meet anyone... I'm 36 next month and feeling completely alone in the world, worrying I'll never have the chance to settle down and have a family
Sorry long post I know
Been single since June after a short but serious relation with Satan himself... the man completely love-bombed me and once he got bored started slowly rejecting and gaslighting me... I found out later he'd taken someone else out the same day he ended it with me (they're in a relationship now) and then that he had cheated with at least two other people. I also found out a lot about his past that he'd lied about and I know I had a lucky escape but it left me feeling completely broken and with zero self-worth and self-confidence. Before I met him I'd been single for three years by choice to work on myself after an incredibly abusive relationship and after years of therapy and medication I'd finally gotten myself into a good place only to be right back there again. I've spent the summer again working on myself and having therapy and took the plunge joining Tinder/Bumble...
Arranged a date with someone last night - no concrete plans made but the date was agreed and he kept saying he couldn't wait to meet me. Last spoke Monday morning and he was taking his kids away for the day - my last message was asking whether he wanted to grab food or just a drink on Tuesday... no response after that and he hadn't even read it by 9pm last night. So I messaged again and he immediately responded to say he was so sorry but he'd got in at 2am and was up again at 6am and still working... I work 14 hour days sometimes (admittedly from home) but could still find 30 seconds to send a text!
Why is it just so hard? I have no faith now that I'll ever meet anyone... I'm 36 next month and feeling completely alone in the world, worrying I'll never have the chance to settle down and have a family
Sorry long post I know
I know it sounds cliché but it's not you per se. As they say "like attracts like" so keep focusing on building up your self love and self worth and switch the narrative. If you feel that you'll never meet someone etc then you'll have a negative energy. Change it to repeating that you will, or "I am in a wonderful relationship" and it starts to change your views - and feel/act like you already are. More importantly tell yourself that you are amazing, you are beautiful, you are worthy of deep meaningful relationships. Everyday for at least 3 weeks.
Go back to the things you learned in therapy and reapply. It's hard to build connection etc on apps plus knowing who's genuine via messages. If they're not right then so be it - someone will be just switch up the mindset. Trust me negative was my first name let alone my middle name. Everything I did I was stupid or useless (saying to myself) due to beliefs in my head from my past. I've been doing the deeper work and finding it super helpful. Reading certain books, doing journalling (good to brain dump everything!) And meditations which before I would have laughed at.
Yes it takes seconds to send a text even when busy. If a guy likes you he will make sure you know. The relationship with Satan wasn't your fault. Keep reminding yourself of that too.
You will find someone who's worthy of you! Take an app break too as I know a few of us are doing especially whilst in this mindset as you'll end up just chatting to the wrong people. As clickbait said - apps can be great if you're just in it for the fun etc but if you have low self esteem etc they're basically awful and won't help.
I don't agree with the whole if you have low self esteem, or self worth, or anxiety, etc, you attract the wrong people (like attracts like) as if it's all your own doing. That's not really fair.
Most people suffer from some MH problem or confidence, self esteem issue etc (1 in 5 I believe) Most people you wouldn't even know either. So I don't believe people going through a hard time necessarily means you put out negative energy and attract the same back.
You could have extreme positive energy and have no current issues with yourself or your body, doesn't mean you're not going to interact in some way with somebody negatively, be that a colleague, a neighbour, or somebody on a dating website. And it doesn't mean it is all your entire fault.
Just my opinion.
I do agree I need to work on my confidence and self esteem but if it means until I do and get over it that I can attract good things in my life, well, then all of you suffering with MH issues god bless you...
Most people suffer from some MH problem or confidence, self esteem issue etc (1 in 5 I believe) Most people you wouldn't even know either. So I don't believe people going through a hard time necessarily means you put out negative energy and attract the same back.
You could have extreme positive energy and have no current issues with yourself or your body, doesn't mean you're not going to interact in some way with somebody negatively, be that a colleague, a neighbour, or somebody on a dating website. And it doesn't mean it is all your entire fault.
Just my opinion.
I do agree I need to work on my confidence and self esteem but if it means until I do and get over it that I can attract good things in my life, well, then all of you suffering with MH issues god bless you...
Completely agree! I am so well versed in kink, but its just not appropriate to bring up to a potential date before you've even said hello. There's so many other websites if that's the main purpose of their account. I always swipe left if they've mentioned sex in their bio, even though that is a really important aspect of dating to me, it just seems a bit odd to put it down. Guarantee if it was face to face they wouldn't be like 'HEY MY NAMES DAVE IM KINKY
'And we are all entitled to opinions.
From what I've learnt its not just the positive mindset as that still doesn't work deep within (I do have a diagnosis of BDD which is miles better now thankfully so yeah was also MH). Doing the work for me and not to specifically attract someone has made me feel better - BUT you can only do this once your mind is ready. As said before my mind wasn't and I was stuck in my mindset that was caused as a result of an anxiety disorder. I've been on meds which I'm thankfully now off, and I don't skip around on happy clouds on a daily basis - but I just know now how to manage those negative feelings better than I did before.
Everyone has different beliefs and thats good because it would be boring if we all felt and thought the same. I feel better for me and I reflected on my past from childhood, to relationships id seen my Mum in and then seeing what followed. I know I was "hanging on" to highly inappropriate relationships as I needed the worth from someone else. But now I know that only I can do that for me. It's only me and me who will be there for me 100% so I won't be negative to myself 24/7 because it wasn't making my life a nice place to live in anymore.
The work is about knowing your worth, your boundaries and making you feel better. Then you'll hopefully therefore attract what you project and you'll be able to say F off to the bellends lol
I don’t believe this either. It’s toxic positivity and sends out a bad message. Not everyone can be positive everyday and no one can have a bad day. The current narrative is bad day or bad date. Ditch the apps! Work on yourself! Love yourself! You can love yourself and still have bad day or date.Totally unrealistic.
Oh god, the bloke I’ve been talking to described himself as a ‘free spirit’ yesterday when we FaceTimed. That basically means he’s unreliable and irresponsible doesn’t it? Also he’s 54 and I bet he’s got no pension….I really don’t want to have to support another adult when I could be spoiling my grandchildren. Frankly, I’d rather take my daughter on holiday than have to support another adult just so I’m not lonely.
You have only just started speaking to them and already think about whether you need to support them when they are old...Just say good-bye to him if he doesn't interest you.
I do have bad days. That will never change. But I know how to redirect the focus. There is alot more to it than just self love and being positive. It's nigh on impossible to explain fully on a forum unless you want to do the work either via therapy or via other means (and I've done both - I've had MH issues for 17 years so I'm not a happy clappy had an easy life girl) but I now make the choice not to let my past affect my today. But that was my choice.
The work is more about how you deal with the situation. I.e bad date - rather than blaming myself I'll recognise that it wasn't right for whatever reason and move on. Whereas before I'd have been like WHATS WRONG WITH ME.
Honestly I do the exact same analysis as you so I completely agree. ‘Free spirited’, for many men, is a sexy way of saying I’m a complete tit and haven’t grown up.
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