Same here, or I like to have first dates just be drinks so it’s easy to split into taking in turns with rounds. And is easier to escape than a meal if it’s rubbish!If I like them I'll let them pay (I always offer to split though) and if I know for sure this'll be our only date I insist on splitting it. Modern dating is an expensive business for both sides these days. I've had a few make ill-timed jokes when the bill comes like 'oh are you one of those women out for a free meal lol rofl lmao hehe...' and I realise I need better screening tools before agreeing to go out with them
Dating after lockdown #12 It’s all got a bit dark
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Morning ladies , I'm home ! Exhausted from walking miles up and down steps and the Royal mile . Have been thoroughly spoilt, hotel was lovely as was all the food and gin! He took me to see Grey friars Bobby as well as the castle. And yesterday we drove to see the Kelpies and the Queens way crossing bridge before my flight home.
He was lovely, held my hand and was affectionate. We laughed lots and the conversation was easy but ....why is there always a but ...no actual spark on my side. Yes we did end up having sex, it wasn't expected but it happened spontaneously. It was nice but nothing mind-blowingly exciting or memorable tbh. We've agreed to stay in touch and talked about him coming South so I can return the favour and spoil him ...his response ' we'll sort something out honey ' ....no idea what that means but I guess we wait and see!
He was lovely, held my hand and was affectionate. We laughed lots and the conversation was easy but ....why is there always a but ...no actual spark on my side. Yes we did end up having sex, it wasn't expected but it happened spontaneously. It was nice but nothing mind-blowingly exciting or memorable tbh. We've agreed to stay in touch and talked about him coming South so I can return the favour and spoil him ...his response ' we'll sort something out honey ' ....no idea what that means but I guess we wait and see!
I’m so glad you enjoyed yourself
Was the spark replaced by feeling comfortable/at ease? Although if the sex wasn’t quite enough for you then I get it.
I think these kind of dates can make the spark absent - the person I’m seeing came to stay with me for the weekend for our first ‘date.’ We just fell naturally into a rhythm so rather than there being an obvious spark it was just nice being in a bubble for a couple of days. Whereas getting ready to go out and meet someone and not know where it will lead has a bit more of a thrill about it.
I was wondering if you and anyone else on this thread would be interested in a challenge thread? We could set our own or maybe have a monthly one but it might be a good place to help stay motivated and share ideas?
count me in
Can the sexual attraction come after first date?
Cuz this particular guy is kinda cute (met him only once yesterday) but he's not as hot as other strangers i see daily for example. Do i give myself a chance or it doesn't happen like this??
Thank you
Cuz this particular guy is kinda cute (met him only once yesterday) but he's not as hot as other strangers i see daily for example. Do i give myself a chance or it doesn't happen like this??
Thank you
It can I met some one we knew each other a while, I thought he was nice, until he kissed me, then he was the hottest thing ever
For me, the initial "spark" is just how well we get along and if I find them attractive (but don't have to be super fit or anything)
the sexual attraction grows as I have sex with them lol like the guy I'm seeing now I just can't wait to get my hands on him
but that is only come from us being intimate a fair bit now
the sexual attraction grows as I have sex with them lol like the guy I'm seeing now I just can't wait to get my hands on him
but that is only come from us being intimate a fair bit now
The whole spark/attraction/chemistry thing is a minefield isn’t it.
The most attraction I felt as with the recent narcissist (urgh) and I didn’t feel that till there had been a bit of flirting and complimenting between us. Before they he was a friend who made me feel a bit intimidated (in a good way) but I had no spark or feeling of being dtf
After the attraction started I used to want to shag him the minute I saw him.
I think as a woman it’s easy to mistake other feelings for sexual attraction. eg: Gratitude/fondness/affection
my mum was one of those who said you should agree to go out with everyone who asked because ‘attraction can grow’. Yeah it can. But often it doesn’t and it’s a bad mindset to encourage I think. If you don’t have an initial attraction close to the start, do you really want to persevere until you feel a bond that makes you thing it’s attraction? I’d never tell my kids to go out on every date. I still have to fight that mindset - it’s almost like I don’t know how to work out if I’m attracted to that person or not. Do you know what I mean?
The most attraction I felt as with the recent narcissist (urgh) and I didn’t feel that till there had been a bit of flirting and complimenting between us. Before they he was a friend who made me feel a bit intimidated (in a good way) but I had no spark or feeling of being dtf
After the attraction started I used to want to shag him the minute I saw him.
I think as a woman it’s easy to mistake other feelings for sexual attraction. eg: Gratitude/fondness/affection
my mum was one of those who said you should agree to go out with everyone who asked because ‘attraction can grow’. Yeah it can. But often it doesn’t and it’s a bad mindset to encourage I think. If you don’t have an initial attraction close to the start, do you really want to persevere until you feel a bond that makes you thing it’s attraction? I’d never tell my kids to go out on every date. I still have to fight that mindset - it’s almost like I don’t know how to work out if I’m attracted to that person or not. Do you know what I mean?
Challenge and Goal Thread - Small challenges and goals to take on throughout the year
So a bunch of us were chatting on the dating thread and decided to make a thread about this. This is a small challenge and goal thread where we, for a certain amount (usually 2-4 weeks) choose (safe!) challenges and goals for ourselves. This thread is to help with motivation, give ideas, and...
tattle.life
made one for those who want to join!
I'm over there
Yeah and it goes both ways too...I used to see a guy who I was very attracted to for reasons unknown (I don't know, he wasn't "conventionally" attractive) but I felt this crazy pull towards him that I can't really explain. A lot of sexual chemistry which in itself was bizarre as he was a virgin until I met him! However, outside of the bedroom, I couldn't bear listening to his voice and found him really cringey, he worried about EVERYTHING and was a nervous wreck and it really put me off.
I do think attraction can grow and over time, it's less about someone's appearance and more about things like shared values/mindset/goals... but that only comes once you've bonded and in an established relationship. But if you don't find them attractive from the start and feel a bit weird then that won't change.
I had similar to you the last guy I dated on and off, I found him so cringe and his voice annoyed me so I didn't actually really enjoy his company but it was like a pheromone thing or something when I met him as I just thought he was so attractive (defo not conventionally so). It wasn't actually even really a sexual thing as that took us ages. Some chemistry is just VERY weird! But now with the person I've been dating a couple of months we just got on so well straight away and my attraction to him has definitely grown massively from that point - the total opposite really
I agree that it’s mistaking other feelings but I think quite often it’s feeling insecure in where you stand, anxious you don’t know how they feel, on edge because you have no idea what will happen next - all of that seems to equal excitement for a lot of people which often equates to sexual attraction and a love of the bad boy.
Someone who is kind, dependable, reliable and to a certain extend predictable is seen as boring and undesirable. There is a link between those qualities and men who fold their underwear before you get down to it.
It’s all conditioning in the end. And a pattern of behaviour.
I thought this was interesting re. chemistry. She’s a good one to follow too.
Yep the narc absolutely wasn’t my type. Not in looks or temperament. He thought I’d fallen for him because (and I quote
) “he was so handsome”.It wasn’t. It was because he paid me compliments at a time I was really low.
But my god, he made me want to climb him like a tree. It was weird af.
I didn't have a "spark" with my boyfriend on our first date, I had this strong sense of familiarity, like I already knew him, and a total ease in being in his company. There was nothing triggering or anxiety-inducing about our correspondence, our dates, our texting, it just flowed naturally and I just suddenly couldn't imagine being without him. No games, he always texted and called and never left me wondering.
I think dating is so brutal and so geared towards instant gratification, that you can get a bit blunt in your approach sometimes, as that seems to be how everyone else operates online after a certain amount of face swiping. For me, a lot of the time when I felt a "spark", it actually was this deeply triggering thing where my nervous system was activated by someone being a bit hot-and-cold, emotionally unavailable, or player-y, or it was a booze-induced spark based on them being really physically attractive to me but there was no real compatibility beyond that. One key thing that pointed this out to me is I could go on a first date with a really "hot" / "high status" guy, get love-bombed, he'd promise the world, and immediately get anxiety the next day, and the day after, and the day after, when i didn't hear from him. Ball was always in his court, and that was without me knowing this guy AT ALL, and with the guy exhibiting more red flags than a soviet parade. It was never about a "spark", it was about me getting this big ego boost and abandoning all of my senses as I tried to maintain it.
I agree entirely with @ivebeenthatgirltoo above. A lot of this stuff tracks back to our own childhoods, and sense of self worth, and ideas of what romantic "love" looks like, when the reality is actually a lot more muted, peaceful and "boring" (but amazing!)
I think dating is so brutal and so geared towards instant gratification, that you can get a bit blunt in your approach sometimes, as that seems to be how everyone else operates online after a certain amount of face swiping. For me, a lot of the time when I felt a "spark", it actually was this deeply triggering thing where my nervous system was activated by someone being a bit hot-and-cold, emotionally unavailable, or player-y, or it was a booze-induced spark based on them being really physically attractive to me but there was no real compatibility beyond that. One key thing that pointed this out to me is I could go on a first date with a really "hot" / "high status" guy, get love-bombed, he'd promise the world, and immediately get anxiety the next day, and the day after, and the day after, when i didn't hear from him. Ball was always in his court, and that was without me knowing this guy AT ALL, and with the guy exhibiting more red flags than a soviet parade. It was never about a "spark", it was about me getting this big ego boost and abandoning all of my senses as I tried to maintain it.
I agree entirely with @ivebeenthatgirltoo above. A lot of this stuff tracks back to our own childhoods, and sense of self worth, and ideas of what romantic "love" looks like, when the reality is actually a lot more muted, peaceful and "boring" (but amazing!)
A bit off topic, but does anyone else feel that although very extreme (and obviously not condoning what she did) but this woman seems to have be forced into it because of years of emotional abuse?
www.dailymail.co.uk
Wife, 66, stabbed husband, 78, to death 'after bubble and squeak row'
A woman stabbed her husband to death following a row over serving bubble and squeak with a steak for her birthday, a court heard.
A "spark" is basically just anxiety or excitement which are both triggered by the same chemicals so you could think you're excited but actually anxious and vice versa. Attraction is not the same as spark imo.
one thing I really hate with when people are reluctant to let someone go cause they're like "but we have a connection". Okay, go re-create that connection with someone else? A connection is 50/50. You are 50% of that connection. Stop putting people on pedestals and see them for what they are. You are 50% of that magic connection!! Go put that 50% into someone who treats you better/is more your type/meets your needs etc.
one thing I really hate with when people are reluctant to let someone go cause they're like "but we have a connection". Okay, go re-create that connection with someone else? A connection is 50/50. You are 50% of that connection. Stop putting people on pedestals and see them for what they are. You are 50% of that magic connection!! Go put that 50% into someone who treats you better/is more your type/meets your needs etc.
This sounds lovely. I’d think this was a ‘spark’. I suppose I mean sense of bond or connection?
This comfort is what I really like.
But I feel anxious most of the time so I suppose I would crave this.
Yes. This
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