Dating after lockdown #12 It’s all got a bit dark

[whatktdid]

Hey guys!! Is it okay if I just let out some of my excitement via this post?

So I met someone off a vegan dating app a few weeks ago and I'm super excited about how things are going! First date ended up being a long walk, first to a viewpoint then by the river, for probably around 3.5 hours all in all. He was so cute, smiley, well-dressed - we had plenty to chat about, even niche interests I usually just discuss online cause I don't know anyone into them

Second date was to an art gallery, I brought some cake I had leftover from baking for a friend the day before & when I was giving him this he said he actually had something small for me too. Then pulled out a tiny little succulent from his bag, with some cardboard he'd wrapped around it to protect it Which goes perfectly with my plants I was telling him about on date #1! So thoughtful of him, I think I actually melted in that moment

Third date I got us tickets to a comedy club, we ended up spending the full evening together as we had dinner beforehand and another walk along the river afterwards. With a pretty amazing kiss at the end I got home at 1am on a work night but was very worth it!

Fourth date, Sunday, he had me round to his flat to cook a fancy dinner together, was a lush evening. Then packed me off yesterday morning with not only some leftovers of the pie but also some of his batch cooked food from the day before because he knows how busy I'm gonna be this week (And yes, staying the night was a lot of fun)

Pray for me that my luck continues? I'll do the same for you all xo

 

[Bagpuss7]

Hi guys , I'm here and he's lovely! Been amazing soo far, apart from the rain ! We have been upto Edinburgh Castle this morning and got soaked so just back at the hotel now ...he's gentle, funny as hell ...has proper been spoiling me with cuddles, holds my hand as we walk as paths are wet and slippy..I had spiced haggis on a Scottish breakfast this morning and we have a date with a deep fried Mars bars tonight ! Wish me luck for rest of today and tomorrow

 

[Clickbait]

I think there is also something quite interesting in the number of posters in this group who feel a constant pressure (internal, possibly societal) to get back out there and date when they’re clearly not ready, don’t want to etc.

It is OK to be single. You are no less of a person for being single. If you feel lonely there are other options aside from reaching out to the dating apps, particularly if you’re not in the right headspace to filter the good from the bad, or feel resilient enough to deal with the shit heads, ghosters, love bombers etc.

If you’re not feeling a date don’t go. As long as you let someone know in good time I don’t see anything wrong with changing your mind. You don’t owe anyone a long explanation either. If it’s a reasonable individual they’ll accept it and move on. If they kick off it shows you’ve dodged a bullet and says a lot more about them then it does about you.

I was single off and on for a long time and dated for years via websites and apps. I really wanted to meet someone but whenever I didn’t listen to my gut or how I was feeling and pushed on almost in desperation, the men I met were totally unsuitable including two who were unhinged and dangerous.

 

[PiesAndLattes]

SO I HAD MY FIRST DATE GUYS

He is nice! He told me I looked really nice, gave me a hug and a cheek kiss, well groomed etc all the nice things (this is the fire fighter) but he’s very quiet! It wasn’t totally hard to have conversation but he did admit he’s pretty awkward/shy/introverted so I would give him a second date to see if things pick up. The only thing is I live in Sydney and somehow, of all the people on this dating app, I matched and went on a date with with a guy who actually lived in my SMALL hometown in another state and we have mutual friends. I also saw his starsign on his profile and I said to my friend “wouldn’t it be funny if he had the same birthday as my ex” and yep out of the 366 days of the year he shares a birthday with my ex (which is a few days out from mine). Date was about 3 hours long and he walked me to my car gave me a hug and a cheek kiss and I got home to a message saying he had a lovely evening and he appreciated me making the effort to come down and see him

 

[PiesAndLattes]

GUYS PLEASE THIS DATE!

So we met this afternoon around 3.00pm at a pub for a couple of drinks and then I said should we go for a walk? Went for a walk through Sydney, it was so nice, through the gardens, sun was setting over Sydney Harbour… magic right. Went for a walk and post lockdown it’s pretty hard to get in anywhere but we got into the first place we tried and it was such a nice Italian place and we had a bottle of red and just chatted for 4 hours! A storm hit in the middle of dinner and we were sitting on the harbour undercover watching the storm roll in… honestly sounds like a rom com. We left and walked up the street to catch taxis home and we had an awkward goodbye moment I think everyone has post date and I just said “can we kiss?” And I thought it would be a peck but was a full make out kiss, in the rain, on Sydney Harbour. He already asked me out for date 2!

Sounds like a dream so I’m trying to remain on the ground with both feet firmly planted.

Edit: date went for 7ish hours.

 

[Clickbait]

View attachment 828082

Apparently confident, open minded women are sooo hard to find! Or maybe it’s you mate

Open minded to you being a dickhead?
Does this type of profile not grate anyone else?

Ugh, open minded in this context clearly means ‘happy to have sex with me with no claims on my time or conversations about being in a relationship’. Plus the general smugness about being the judge of what a good message is. He’s not actually said anything about himself explicitly. I can help him with that:

I am smug and think a lot of myself. I say I want a confident woman but actually if one were to approach me I’d be terrified. I’m a bit slow so don’t quite know how to use emojis appropriately. My interests are bland AF. I’ve never been on a spa weekend but saw reality TV stars on them and thought it looked fancy. I am definitely not 6 foot. Please be open minded to a micro penis

 

[Thank(space)you]

I've had a few men messaging me and I've noticed I'm getting a little better at enforcing boundaries. Eg E messaged me asking if I would be up for a saucy video call, I declined. He kept going on at me and sending dick pics and I lost my temper a bit with him. Told him no means no and he needs to respect that. Then I blocked him

 

[Pocahontas]

New thread, new start.

Please don’t ruin your own thread with petty in-fighting. When advice is asked for and offered - take it for what it is, engage the humour button and don’t take it to heart.

 

[Clementine]

That’s kinda what I’m alluding to as well. Everything is so reduced.

Can I choke you? Can I drink your piss? Can I use my 30 sex toys on you? Do you squirt?

All before they even know your name. As it’s all there on their profile.

Sex is absolutely fabulous but for goodness sake, have something else about you.

 

[Thank(space)you]

Accidentally had a threesome haha

 

[square_spoon]

I just called to let the guy I was starting to ghost know that I wasn’t in the right space to date and didn’t want to waste his time. It did not go well! But at least it’s done now. The vitriol I got from him (lots of swearing at me) makes me realise this is probably why men often ghost women.

 

[Bloody orange Hell]

I dated a guy (during one of my breaks from the narc).
Date 3 we went to a hotel, I told him I wasn't ready to sleep with him and he said that was fine and we booked it anyway.
We had such a nice day and nothing happened that night. But the following day he got really mad and said I was a tease, I wasted his time and his money (it was evenly split ) and I had had ruined it all by not sleeping with him.
I was in shock!
I pointed out a few times that date 3 was too soon for me. How dare he try to make me feel bad.

TW:sexual assault
I’m so sorry. This is what I mean. I think I’d end up having sex in that situation (before his tantrum) because I’d feel awkward about not doing it.
My boundaries are definitely getting better but after I posted about this I was thinking about it and I realised that every time I have had sex with someone new, I’ve felt it was too early but it’s been because I’ve been too awkward or worried about the reaction asking to wait. It’s never been my suggestion, always something I’ve gone along with. It’s never been coerced and I’ve never communicated it, so it’s my fault, but I’ve been too intimidated (by my anxiety) to stick to my boundary.

I’m thinking now that I actually need to revisit this in therapy and it isn’t processed properly at all. I didn’t even realise it was rape for ages. I just said it was something that went too far. And if pushed I would called it an assault but felt guilty saying it was. Like I was being dramatic. It was when the whole #metoo thing came out that I started properly looking at it. He knew I didn’t want to have sex because when I said afterwards why did you do that you know I didn’t want to, he didn’t act suprised just said that he did (want to), so he did it. I’d been clear before and during and said I didn’t and was obviously not participating but I felt so guilty that I’d started fooling around with him in the first place and as though that meant it wasn’t really anything serious. Even though I knew, rationally it was. Emotionally I felt like it wasn’t and felt so ashamed and stupid. Just afterwards, I told him he hadn’t broken me. I got up and was trying to be full of bravado but didn’t feel it at all. He told me I was already broken in a thousand pieces, like a China doll smashed on a floor. Which sounds lame written like that but at the time it really upset me and made me think again it was my failing. He said I was a shit lay too and clumsy and awkward. That got to me as well which is so ridiculous. It’s like he knew all the stuff to say to me to fuck me up more. I was in such shock I didn’t tell anyone and just denied it to myself and I stayed there a few more days and was just quiet and not doing anything. I think it was actual shock. Then he started locking the house afterward when he left it - told his housemates he was worried about security. The house had steel security doors back and front with deadlocks so I was stuck in there and I couldn’t get out. One of his housemates came home at lunchtime after about three days into this, unlocked the house and told me to leave and not come back. He said that he thought this man (man?…he was only about 22) was a really unpleasant and controlling person and he thought he was dangerous. So I left. Went to a youth hostel and was thoroughly fucked up and agitated and anxious. I left the area after a week. I was meant to be looking for work.

I had loads of one night stands in the couple of years after the rape. (Then two long relationships, the second of which was my ex husband. I didn’t tell him any of this. Don’t know why). The shagging about was a combination of trying to show myself I was ok with sex and also if I agreed to sex with anyone who was interested, in my mind I couldn’t be raped again. It was very skewed logic and it didn’t help me feel better at all but it made sense to me at the time I didn’t enjoy any of them either. I was too worried about what they might do.

I definitely need to go back to therapy.
Maybe that’s why the universe hasn’t thrown anyone my way yet. I’m just not ready for them.

Sorry for such a serious post. It’s really helped to actually tell people about it in a safe anonymous place. I’ve never been able to talk about it like that.

 

[boomska]

I think I’ve found the best tinder profile. Any takers?

thing is he had photos of his face on there too!!! No shame. I swiped…left hahaha

I think I’ve found the best tinder profile. Any takers?

thing is he had photos of his face on there too!!! No shame. I swiped…left hahaha

It’s the gift that keeps on giving!!

 

[hereforthememe]

I've been getting along great with a guy I matched with on tinder and was supposed to be third date on the weekend but I'm seeing him tonight!

I feel so comfortable around him. I've been through some heavy shit in my life, and although I've not told him yet as it's a little soon for me, I also know when I'm ready I can do.

He's so kind and attentive, but also can make me laugh with some cheeky banter.

I feel so lucky I know it's early and all that, but please don't kill my excited vibe by telling me so

 

[Clementine]

You know when Chris Hughes asked if he should rap on Love Island, to lighten the mood? We need that.

 

[hereforthememe]

I'm going on a date tomorrow and I'm so excited

 

[square_spoon]

The ghost of Christmas past has resurfaced after about two months of silence (ghosted me twice now) citing an ill elderly relative (thankfully not his nan ) and recounting how dramatic and distressing it was for him over the few days (!!!!) it happened but thankfully relative is recovering well. Wished him and his relative all the best and blocked him. A text giving me a heads up a few weeks ago wouldn’t have cost anything if he actually gave a shit about ghosting me

 

[123qwe1]

Are you actually for real? a little bit of honesty and people don’t like it.

She will be sulking if she’s been pied again.. Or loving you all wondering where she is.. There’s something not right with her and the 1000 issues that we have ALL tried to help her with. If you’ve read the thread you’ll know she likes the sympathy vote “I can’t ring him I’ve tripped over on a dog walk and I’ve got a trip to the dentist next week.. oh woe is me”

This doesn't read nicely
a little bit of kindness goes a long way - we're all on this journey together.

 

[it’s not been changed?!]

I think it’s more to do with throwing her toys out the pram because Someone dared to challenge her. I could see past the humble brags of every man wanting her and her never not getting a text back etc but I let it slide because what’s the point, this is a new thread a new start

I thought she was a fantasist, tbh

 

[NoseyNiamh]

I dated a guy (during one of my breaks from the narc).
Date 3 we went to a hotel, I told him I wasn't ready to sleep with him and he said that was fine and we booked it anyway.
We had such a nice day and nothing happened that night. But the following day he got really mad and said I was a tease, I wasted his time and his money (it was evenly split ) and I had had ruined it all by not sleeping with him.
I was in shock!
I pointed out a few times that date 3 was too soon for me. How dare he try to make me feel bad.