80/20 changing lives, like Novichok on the doorknobs of the nation.
Hello Dan
The weekend was a bit bumpy for you, so I will do that first. I hear "tokens" are the new idea, so how about a "Turnip Token" from me for not talking about the anniversary of "Bloody Sunday" well done!
Oh, I will have to take that "Turnip Token" away as you waded in on Hillsborough! It's so good to have someone like you putting forth sensible thoughtful comments. Have you thought of helping Ukraine with the Russia crisis? Please do that live from the border, that would get attention.
If its attention you want how about putting some pencils up your nose, pants on your head and saying the word “wibble”. Oh, sorry that’s an old Blackadder script, still worth a go and safer than the Hillsborough stuff.
Also, how brave to share how you got "hypogonadism" from fad diets when most bodybuilding people get it from anabolic steroids.
"Anabolic steroids induce hypogonadism in young men "by Coward and Lipshultz should help you with that confusion. It's a peer-reviewed academic paper known aka "research".
With fuel prices on the rise, it must be comforting to know that you can both heat and light your own home with infinitely sustainable gaslighting, which I believe you have in plentiful supply.
At one point in your life, you were taking more gym candy to get juiced up than the "Flavour me Fruity" juice bar in my local shopping centre. You expect your single-digit audience to believe your medical condition is due to a 5-week fad diet of wagon wheels and avocados in 2012?
Back to your business and why it is not scalable or sustainable, unlike many other similar companies.
At best, you are in the "dead cat bounce" stage with your business
Not the most pleasant analogy, based on if something falls far enough when it hits bottom, it will bounce up, like a dead cat. Not my choice (coined by stockbrokers), but I wanted to pick something memorable for you. You are in the "dead cat bounce stage" even if you sign up two new members. Get the turnips sitting behind you to google it. Oh, and I love cats!
You know that your kind of business must consider the following:
Retention: It should be 16 weeks if it works. If people stay a year, your plan does not work and is just the same as all those other plans you profess to hate. However, longer retention means more money. Why would I stay if you have " cured" me in 16 weeks?
Referral: You need people to say nice things to get others to sign up, so you don't have to rely on generic, lame, NHS hero coupons that genuinely demonstrate the reason why no turnip has ever been head of marketing and is better suited to sitting immobile in a cold field. You are not getting referrals, your positive “ word of mouth” from customers is very poor. Why is that?
Revenue: You need money in the door, but if people are cancelling quicker than a dinner reservation on the Titanic, then your churn rate is too high to sustain a business, and that is why you are thrashing around like a freshly caught attention-seeking fish. A lack of revenue is pushing you further into scam territory as the desperation increases.
Reputation: The 80/20client base is inexorably heading towards a smaller number than this tattle platform of ex-clients. It looks like you are between “a rock and a hard place”, so let's hope that hard place is dirty block paving and you can get some jet washing revenue.
If you grow and get that "bounce" you are desperate for, a significant number of people will check out you and your business. Red flags will be going up, alarms will start ringing, and a substantial portion of clients and potential business collaborators will exit stage left.
There is a Ms Darby (influencer) whose unpleasant tweets/comments resurfaced ten years later. Her agent sacked her, the clothing line stalled, followers ran away in their thousands. This could be a tale about anyone who has said unpleasant things, done unpleasant things, been unkind to customers, told lies and left a trail of damage behind them.
The difference between you and that example is that your dirty washing is out there already, just a click away.
You didn’t need Kathy Bates from the film “Misery” you got the hammer and the wood and hobbled yourself, your business and your top team of turnips. You can struggle on deceiving the odd passer-by who fails to check you out, but you are never going to achieve the pace and success of the past.
The sobbing back story will not cut it with anyone. You are currently in a loop of offering a dubious non-peer-reviewed ever-changing diet lifestyle mindset plan that you know does not work, facilitated by two turnips with no applicable qualifications between them. Ask yourself what publisher, TV company, brand agency would touch a person/company/brand that has a trail of disaster behind it and more waiting to fall out of closets in the future?
Just a quick Turnip Watch. Are you paying the turnips, running a cult, or am I watching a hostage situation? Team Turnip, just blink SOS with your eyelids, and help will be sent. I implore you to release "team turnip". How will they work again if any future employer starts googling your business and then looks at them over the interview table after reading and watching your talentless unedifying tripe?
In the words of Frozen, "let it go". Reinvention is always possible. There is always hope, but not in the diet fitness industry where you are as welcome as Novichok on the doorknobs of the nation.
Maybe try the “ wibble and pencils up the nose” thing. Its old but effective.
Next week "how to save for a rainy day" the tax man cometh.
when you spell the hashtags wrong you're certainly not going to crack the algorithm
what a plonker
