Childfree

[Adayinthelife]

I’m not childfree - I have one who I had in my early 20s. I was always going to have 4/5 children (I come from a big family) and saw myself as a ‘Mummy’ type. I’m not. I love my child more than anything, but I’m not a ‘natural’ Mother, and I just couldn’t see myself having any more. My ex has gone on to remarry and have more children, I’m happily in a relationship with someone who already has kids and was sterilised, so even though I’m probably biologically at an age where I still *could* I definitely won’t be having any more.

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

If one doesn’t like to be judged for not having kids, why so many judgey comments about people that do have kids We should just let everyone make their own choices without the judging. I used to wonder how people could even think about not having children (until I had my own And realised what a sacrifice it was) and I never saw it as rude to ask, but I’ve educated myself and would now never ask someone those questions anymore

If you have children, then maybe this thread isn’t for you? This is a place for child free people to openly discuss the reasons why they don’t want children.

The difference is, no one would go up to someone with a child and judge them for having a child, yet when you don’t have children you have to face the judging comments to your face all the time…

I wouldn’t go on a thread full of mothers and get offended by people judging those that don’t have kids, because I chose to read the comments, but that doesn’t mean I’d like to have those comments said to my face, just like I wouldn’t go over to someone with a child and start criticising their choice to reproduce.

 

[Pixipoppy]

Lol imagine if I went up to a pregnant lady and said “are you sure you want that baby? You’ll regret it when you’re older!” We’re not judging those who have kids, we’re just saying why we don’t want them.

 

[Kim Mild]

If you have children, then maybe this thread isn’t for you? This is a place for child free people to openly discuss the reasons why they don’t want children.

The difference is, no one would go up to someone with a child and judge them for having a child, yet when you don’t have children you have to face the judging comments to your face all the time…

I wouldn’t go on a thread full of mothers and get offended by people judging those that don’t have kids, because I chose to read the comments, but that doesn’t mean I’d like to have those comments said to my face, just like I wouldn’t go over to someone with a child and start criticising their choice to reproduce.

There's a one and done mothers thread.

 

[Satisfying Click]

I've reported, whether or not it does anything, I CBA with people today

 

[Blond3g1rl]

If one doesn’t like to be judged for not having kids, why so many judgey comments about people that do have kids We should just let everyone make their own choices without the judging. I used to wonder how people could even think about not having children (until I had my own And realised what a sacrifice it was) and I never saw it as rude to ask, but I’ve educated myself and would now never ask someone those questions anymore

I don’t make any comments towards people with kids. On the other hand I’ve been told that my life isn’t complete, that I’m not part of a family, I’ll regret it, I won’t have anyone to look after me when I’m old, I’m not a real woman. Need I go on?

 

[DisgruntledGoat]

If one doesn’t like to be judged for not having kids, why so many judgey comments about people that do have kids We should just let everyone make their own choices without the judging. I used to wonder how people could even think about not having children (until I had my own And realised what a sacrifice it was) and I never saw it as rude to ask, but I’ve educated myself and would now never ask someone those questions anymore

I think you need to question why you felt compelled to read a thread called “Childfree”, despite having children yourself, before claiming that you don’t judge anyone. If you expected a thread full of neutral reasons for not having children you wouldn’t have had any reason to read.

Additionally, as we’ve discussed here, an awful lot of people have children for extremely selfish reasons [to live vicariously through; to “fix” toxic relationships; the old Daily Mail trope of claiming benefits] which can lead to a lot of damage to both the children themselves and wider society if said children become sick or mentally ill through neglect, or antisocial through their poor upbringing. So our judgement is often based on personal experience of these factors and despairing at seeing the patterns replicated. Whereas my impression is the judge-y people with children just want to see everyone like them: tied to a mortgage in an area with good schools and paying a premium for holidays.

 

[vermilion42]

I'm so glad i stumbled upon this thread. I'm not the maternal type and i've never wanted kids, for many reasons. As someone else said, i think way too many people have kids solely because they've been brainwashed into it. Some people constantly complain about their kids yet start foaming at the mouth when you tell them YOU don't want kids. I honestly think they just want you to be as miserable as them ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ (not everyone ofc, it's just my experience with people i know irl)

I just know i won't be a good mother, sometimes i have trouble looking after my tiny ass dog, let alone a child lol.

 

[CatCafe234]

I don’t make any comments towards people with kids. On the other hand I’ve been told that my life isn’t complete, that I’m not part of a family, I’ll regret it, I won’t have anyone to look after me when I’m old, I’m not a real woman. Need I go on?

I can never quite get the logic of that comment. It’s usually presented as ‘not having children is so selfish, who will look after you when you get old?’ Erm, isn’t it a bit selfish to have a child intending that they provide care for you when you get old, or even expecting that that could or should happen?

 

[mcfeez]

I can never quite get the logic of that comment. It’s usually presented as ‘not having children is so selfish, who will look after you when you get old?’ Erm, isn’t it a bit selfish to have a child intending that they provide care for you when you get old, or even expecting that that could or should happen?

You are absolutely dead on. Children do not owe this to their parents for the simple fact they never asked to be born.

I've no idea where the idea of it being 'selfish' to not have children comes from. Most people I know who are having kids or trying to have kids, are doing it because they want to have them for whatever their reasons may be - they aren't doing it out of the goodness of their hearts or to enrich humanity or some bullshit.

 

[vermilion42]

I can never quite get the logic of that comment. It’s usually presented as ‘not having children is so selfish, who will look after you when you get old?’ Erm, isn’t it a bit selfish to have a child intending that they provide care for you when you get old, or even expecting that that could or should happen?

Unfortunately often parents do that because that's what their parents did, and their parents before that and so on. They've been conditioned that way

 

[hydeist]

It's not something I've explored but as I am at risk of having inherited and possibly passing on a nasty genetic condition I often wonder if I would be eligible for sterilisation if I asked for it. My partner is willing to have the snip but I think they are a bit funny about doing that on men who don't have children as well. I would like to not have to take the pill and have the fear of contraception failing!

I have now stopped using hormonal contraception (life changing!!!) and am now considering the future options. But honestly I'm terrified to go to my GP and start asking about sterilisation - my partner has said that he doesn't have a problem having a vasectomy if my GP refuses, but my entire life it's been ME who looked after me, ME who made sure I didn't get pregnant. And I would prefer to continue that way, what if I split from my partner down the road? Then I'm back where I began.

It just seems almost impossible to get sterilised in the UK if you haven't had children already and it's honestly a bleeping insult to our intelligence. As if I got to my thirties and got a degree and a career but I'm still considered too stupid by the NHS to be trusted when I say I don't want children in case I change my mind. duck off!

 

[ChampagneBox]

Does anyone else feel like you have the biological urge to have kids but not the heart and brain desire? Or is that me pushing away my feelings about having kids haha

 

[TheScarletgirl]

I am glad i found this thread , all my family members have kids or are married besides me . I personally find it boring and tedious when they talk about their kids all the time , i am not interested in the slightest . I also hate going to events when they all come as it is impossible to have a normal conversation and enjoy myself.

 

[Kim Mild]

I think you need to question why you felt compelled to read a thread called “Childfree”, despite having children yourself, before claiming that you don’t judge anyone. If you expected a thread full of neutral reasons for not having children you wouldn’t have had any reason to read.

I read this thread, even though I'm a parent because I was bored and I'm nosy . I think it's interesting to hear other people's thoughts on topics.

 

[hydeist]

I read this thread, even though I'm a parent because I was bored and I'm nosy . I think it's interesting to hear other people's thoughts on topics.

I think the "judgements" are more of a response to the ridiculous amount of outright face-to-face judgements (and honestly, lies) that we get on a regular basis about not wanting to have children. I mean, as a parent you can probably admit that your life has changed hugely, you have new responsibilities and worries and less of the same type of freedom you had before. Yet we're constantly told that having a child will make our lives richer and better and we can do all the same things we did before BUT BETTER NOW with a child. But that isn't true, and I think a lot of the stories on here about parents are in that vein - one does lose freedoms and opportunities when having a child, even if other different things might be gained.

Oh tit I realised you aren't the poster of that original message! SORRY

Imo I'm happy to have non-judgemental parents in this thread.

 

[dotiedot]

Imo I'm happy to have non-judgemental parents in this thread.

Totally agree with this!!! Its when the judgement starts we get annoyed!

The sterilisation debate is new to me. Interesting and frustrating to hear how difficult doctors make it. What happened to "my body, my decision"

 

[Routron]

What do people think of the possibility that they would actually regret not having kids? I am currently not interested in having children but what if I do regret it?? That's one thing that does make me pause and I find it annoying that people's comments have got to me like this.

I suppose adoption would be possible...

 

[Keikochan]

I'm more afraid of regretting having a child then of not having one.

 

[DisgruntledGoat]

I read this thread, even though I'm a parent because I was bored and I'm nosy . I think it's interesting to hear other people's thoughts on topics.

Well totally. I’m not a “ban all parents” person, I just resent people telling us that we’re “judging” when expressing some perfectly reasonable objections to the trappings of lives with children and reasons for having them. I’m not gegging in on pram threads telling people they’re classist for recommending a Bugaboo.

Incidentally I don’t mind it when people with kids have popped up on this thread talking about regretting becoming a parent either. I think there’s a separate thread of material there because it’s a very “under the rug” topic, but I understand why mums especially don’t want to open that can of worms so this feels like a safe space for it. Also it’s affirming to hear from people who think child-rearing is tit.