Childfree

[ChampagneBox]

Yeah totally. I think that’s completely natural. When people look happy, it automatically sparks emotion in us, the same as when someone looks sad. Doesn’t mean we necessarily want their lives, it just means we appreciate that certain things make people happy and wonder what that feels like. I don’t get anything from babies, but when I see a kid of say 7/8 they always make me laugh and feel warm inside. There was one boy in the supermarket that was so adorable I could have stolen him, but let’s be honest I probably wouldn’t get that if I had my own!


I just wish I could afford to have someone do all of my laundry and put it away. I can cope with everything else! Well not hoovering, that’s the devils work!

Same. I feel mostly jealous of the praise and attention having a baby brings (what can I say I’m obviously a narcissist ). I also get the same feeling about weddings. I could have a wedding if I wanted … I just don’t want one, but I still feel jealous at all the fuss that’s made about a bride on her wedding day and how it’s seen as such a pinnacle of someone’s life. I know in reality I’d hate it though. Remember what you see on social media isn’t real. Ive got friends who are always posting “happy family” pics #myworld #blessed when in reality they’re telling me they have never felt lower and motherhood isn’t what it’s cracked up to be. Take it with a pinch of salt.

I think you’ve both hit the nail on the head there! It’s no secret to me that I’m unhappy in my life and have been for a while, but I’m trying to finally admit things to myself So glad I have this community here, I’d feel scared voicing my thoughts to people in real life about this x

 

[JoeBloggs]

I know it’s crazy but I do wonder if adding a child would improve my life, it’s a fleeting though but those playing happy families on SM do make me pine for one. I know the reality is very different.

 

[Sweatingbullets]

I know it’s crazy but I do wonder if adding a child would improve my life, it’s a fleeting though but those playing happy families on SM do make me pine for one. I know the reality is very different.

It’s not crazy at all! We all wonder about what it would be like to have certain things. Kids, money, certain partners, houses, cars etc. It’s always the unknown that is tempting/ appealing. If you know in your heart you really don’t want kids then don’t worry about those feelings. If you feel it might be a sign that maybe you do, well that’s a different matter.

 

[CatCafe234]

I think you’ve both hit the nail on the head there! It’s no secret to me that I’m unhappy in my life and have been for a while, but I’m trying to finally admit things to myself So glad I have this community here, I’d feel scared voicing my thoughts to people in real life about this x

I went through a (thankfully brief) period a few years ago where I did wonder if I might be getting broody but I realised that it was corresponding with a period when a lot of my friends and work colleagues were doing the whole ‘happy family‘ thing - getting engaged/married, buying houses, getting the dog and making a start on the 2.4 kids. It struck me that what I was envious of was not the kids, but the stability and support they had, and the mind-set that allowed them to think about things like that and be in a position to make it happen, if that makes any sense. I don’t come from the kind of middle-class background where that sort of ‘standard‘ life progression is a given and I’ll be honest and say that’s one of the reasons I don’t want kids. Once I’d understood what the issue really was it allowed me to look at how I was feeling more dispassionately and see it for what it was, and think about what I could do to make myself feel better.

 

[Sweatingbullets]

I think you’ve both hit the nail on the head there! It’s no secret to me that I’m unhappy in my life and have been for a while, but I’m trying to finally admit things to myself So glad I have this community here, I’d feel scared voicing my thoughts to people in real life about this x

The important thing is to really think about what you actually want. Don’t let other people decide what you should want/have. Sometimes talking to friends convinces you that you should want certain things because they do, but that will never make you happy. I also think we need to stop thinking we’re unhappy because we haven’t attained things we’re told we should have by certain ages. I honestly sit down sometimes and think to myself despite having very few things that I’m supposed to have by this age, I’m actually pretty happy generally. For instance, very recently I’ve realised I actually don’t want a partner right now, but I do want physical intimacy, so I’m not going to feel bad about having a fling, nor am I going to allow myself to develop feelings other than physical ones. Don’t care what people think of that!

 

[heatmagazine]

Does anybody regret having children after being bullied into it do you think? I often do wonder this but that would defo be a taboo subject. I think there was a thread on tattle once about it.

 

[Traveler001]

Does anybody regret having children after being bullied into it do you think? I often do wonder this but that would defo be a taboo subject. I think there was a thread on tattle once about it.

I've seen threads about people being 'convinced' rather than bullied. On reddit and Facebook there are subs/groups for people who regret their children and many of them are similar. A woman didn't want kids, husband/boyfriend convinced her then he either left or doesn't do anything and she regrets being 'talked into it'.

One I saw the other day was a woman and her husband didn't want kids, after years of marriage he decided he did so she did it to keep him, he realised when she was 7 months pregnant that's actually he didn't want a kid after all and left her…

 

[Sweatingbullets]

I've seen threads about people being 'convinced' rather than bullied. On reddit and Facebook there are subs/groups for people who regret their children and many of them are similar. A woman didn't want kids, husband/boyfriend convinced her then he either left or doesn't do anything and she regrets being 'talked into it'.

One I saw the other day was a woman and her husband didn't want kids, after years of marriage he decided he did so she did it to keep him, he realised when she was 7 months pregnant that's actually he didn't want a kid after all and left her…

What an absolute c**t. Never let a man convince you or vice versa. Most things in life you can change if you’re unhappy, kids is not one of them. I say this from experience there is no if and or buts here. You only ever have a kid if YOU want one. If you’re partner walks, he walks. His need to have a child is clearly more important than his love for you. Same applies to women. Don’t convince a man to have a child. He either wants one or he doesn’t.

 

[Platformcrocs]

I think child-free women feel invisible a lot of the time, I know I certainly do. I've noticed it a lot more lately after getting into my 30s. A friend recently started a new job which was a big step for her (on furlough since March 2020) and she's working from home. Her sister assumed my friend will look after her baby and dog whenever she feels like dropping them off. The reason being "you're just working from home and don't have anything else to do" - totally ignoring my friend's own hobbies and social life, looking after her home, and of course, actually working. And I should add her sister has a partner and his own family who could help out but choose not to.

Child-free women are just as busy as anyone else but I feel like we have to constantly justify how we spend our time, just because we're not running around after kids. It really gets me down sometimes.

 

[HumphreyB]

Does anybody regret having children after being bullied into it do you think? I often do wonder this but that would defo be a taboo subject. I think there was a thread on tattle once about it.

I wasnt bullied or convinced to have kids but I certainly went into it with my eyes closed thinking it was just a natural progression. I guess I never really gave it enough thought. I dont regret having my kids, they are growing up to be really wonderful people and generally I found parenting easy (minus some hiccups) but I know I would have been just as happy, if not happier had we have stayed childless. All that being said we both are responsible parents and really do share the load so time alone, time away, going back to further education and travel were all still things I was able to do albeit with a little more planning and organization.

 

[Phil Anne Throw Pee]

Grinds my gears when people say 'oh she's such a marvel, having children and a full-time job'. It's (99% of the time) an active CHOICE. You had sex and then a baby popped out - I mean, well done. Also when people speculate on celebrities 'I bet she's a wonderful Mother', er, based on what criteria? Celebs probably muddle along as everyone else does, albeit with more money and a bigger support network.

 

[Sweatingbullets]

I think child-free women feel invisible a lot of the time, I know I certainly do. I've noticed it a lot more lately after getting into my 30s. A friend recently started a new job which was a big step for her (on furlough since March 2020) and she's working from home. Her sister assumed my friend will look after her baby and dog whenever she feels like dropping them off. The reason being "you're just working from home and don't have anything else to do" - totally ignoring my friend's own hobbies and social life, looking after her home, and of course, actually working. And I should add her sister has a partner and his own family who could help out but choose not to.

Child-free women are just as busy as anyone else but I feel like we have to constantly justify how we spend our time, just because we're not running around after kids. It really gets me down sometimes.

I used to get so ducked off with the flexi time and working from home that only mum’s were allowed before the pandemic. I don’t begrudge them, I begrudge the fact that employers think it the only valid reason to not be glued to your desk until 7 every night. I made it very clear that as I start early, I would be leaving at 5 unless there was a definitive reason why I couldn’t. I don’t give a damn about perception. If you can’t fit your work into normal hours you’re either very slow or have too much work and need to delegate! Now since the pandemic, I refuse to go to the office and will continue to do so for as long as possible, and even then I’ve said no more than 2 days per week. Never work passed 6 either!

 

[heatmagazine]

I used to get so ducked off with the flexi time and working from home that only mum’s were allowed before the pandemic. I don’t begrudge them, I begrudge the fact that employers think it the only valid reason to not be glued to your desk until 7 every night. I made it very clear that as I start early, I would be leaving at 5 unless there was a definitive reason why I couldn’t. I don’t give a damn about perception. If you can’t fit your work into normal hours you’re either very slow or have too much work and need to delegate! Now since the pandemic, I refuse to go to the office and will continue to do so for as long as possible, and even then I’ve said no more than 2 days per week. Never work passed 6 either!

I’ve worked in places where time off is only permitted for those with children in the summer holidays. Or mother’s are the only ones guaranteed to have every other weekend off.

 

[ChampagneBox]

Grinds my gears when people say 'oh she's such a marvel, having children and a full-time job'. It's (99% of the time) an active CHOICE. You had sex and then a baby popped out - I mean, well done. Also when people speculate on celebrities 'I bet she's a wonderful Mother', er, based on what criteria? Celebs probably muddle along as everyone else does, albeit with more money and a bigger support network.

This is just my opinion but let’s be honest, you can’t do both: either you’re not giving the kids your full attention or you’re having to take time off work/give your work to someone else. I know since the 80s/90s it’s been pushed that you can ‘have it all’ but I really do think you’re not giving 100% to either of those things. It’s impossible no matter how much we’re told you can ‘have it all’. I personally would much rather give my 100% to a job than kids.

 

[Platformcrocs]

This is just my opinion but let’s be honest, you can’t do both: either you’re not giving the kids your full attention or you’re having to take time off work/give your work to someone else. I know since the 80s/90s it’s been pushed that you can ‘have it all’ but I really do think you’re not giving 100% to either of those things. It’s impossible no matter how much we’re told you can ‘have it all’. I personally would much rather give my 100% to a job than kids.

It really doesn't feel like you can do both. I used to work with a woman who did a 3 day week and the rest of the team ended up picking up extra work because she wasn't there. She came back from maternity leave to do the same job as before but realistically, her job was a 5 day a week role and didn't make sense being 3 days a week.

I felt for her because prior to having kids, she was very career-focused and progressed really quickly. I don't feel like she was ever taken seriously when she came back from maternity leave, I heard a lot of passive-aggressive comments being made which made the atmosphere very uncomfortable. She was also left out of a lot of projects. But she was always late or leaving early, turning up to meetings unprepared and constantly playing catch up because she simply wasn't around enough. It just seemed like constant stress.

 

[CatCafe234]

This is just my opinion but let’s be honest, you can’t do both: either you’re not giving the kids your full attention or you’re having to take time off work/give your work to someone else. I know since the 80s/90s it’s been pushed that you can ‘have it all’ but I really do think you’re not giving 100% to either of those things. It’s impossible no matter how much we’re told you can ‘have it all’. I personally would much rather give my 100% to a job than kids.

This is another reason why I’ve chosen not to have kids. It’s all a complete compromise for women, even if you have the most loving and supportive partner and a flexible and modern workplace.

I have never believed that women can ‘have it all’. We can end up ’doing it all’ for sure, but then if you choose to have kids and work (and let’s face it, that’s not really a choice for most women) there’s that constant undercurrent of criticism that if you have to focus on work, you must clearly be neglecting your kids or if you have to focus on your kids then you‘re probably damaging your prospects at work. It feels like one of those games that you’ll never win.

 

[Sweatingbullets]

This is just my opinion but let’s be honest, you can’t do both: either you’re not giving the kids your full attention or you’re having to take time off work/give your work to someone else. I know since the 80s/90s it’s been pushed that you can ‘have it all’ but I really do think you’re not giving 100% to either of those things. It’s impossible no matter how much we’re told you can ‘have it all’. I personally would much rather give my 100% to a job than kids.

Absolutely no such thing as having it all. It’s a myth perpetuated by the media. Women tried and all it did was give them serious mental health issues!

 

[HumphreyB]

Absolutely no such thing as having it all. It’s a myth perpetuated by the media. Women tried and all it did was give them serious mental health issues!

Absolutely and I’m thrilled women are starting to call this bull for what it is

 

[Anne1448]

Does anybody regret having children after being bullied into it do you think? I often do wonder this but that would defo be a taboo subject. I think there was a thread on tattle once about it.

I openly talked about it in the thread. My parents regretted having my siblings and I.

They were both prepared in the sense that they bought a house cash, had no debt, worked highly paid jobs and had nannies for us. So they were able to manage personal time and parenting time. However when my mother wanted to focus on her career my father tried being a SAHD and his ego took a hit. He left us and 20 years of marriage behind.

My mother resented him because she never wanted kids and was convinced by her family and my father since it was "what women should do" in the 70s-80s. She was depressed most of my childhood and kept telling my siblings and I that if we weren't here she would have killed herself a long time ago.

The fact that my parents did their very best to raise us yet could not go back once this choice was made really taught me that having kids is a decision that you have to take without a single doubt in mind. Because there is no going back or plan B when you regret it.

 

[Sheabutter]

Do people in this thread have child-free relationship role models?

I met middle aged men and women in my profession who never married or had children and I realized I didn’t want their life. Just wondering if people have met couples who decided against adopting or having children of their own, and did not regret their choice… please share what you learned from them. Thks xx