I had an ‘aunt’ when I was little (you know the family friends who your parents always make you call auntie and uncle) and she developed dementia when we were in our teens and despite having 4 kids, none of them stepped up until it was a crisis. She was the kindest woman in the world and I have so many fond memories of her and what she did for us and in some ways she was more special than my real aunts. My parents helped a lot with her care and we would take things over too, but it took 4 years for my father and all of her professional carers to get her son to sort out her care properly. It wasn’t even a money issue as she had several properties and a full pension for her and her husband (who was in the military). Very sad, but made me realise there are no guarantees that you family will look after you.
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My dad had dementia and was in a care home for the last year of his life as my mum (who is 5ft nothing) couldn't provide the complex care he needed at home.
The amount of families who rarely visited (you had to sign in) was disgusting. We could visit 3 days after our last visit and there be no family visitors signed in between our two entries.
Fathers day, I spent most of the day with him and only saw one other daughter visit her dad and she was there less than 5 minutes and bought a box of chocolates which he couldn't open and she didn't even help.
The day my dad moved in, he was transferred from hospital. So me my mum and sister were all there to welcome him and help him settle in. Another man moved in same day on the same hospital transport and he arrived with no socks and no family to welcome him. I know he has family as she is the daughter with the chocolates...
It was heart breaking.
It is heartbreaking but I also think you have to be really careful about this situation. As my gran said, you don’t know someone until you go home with them and there could be a myriad of reasons why someone’s not getting visitors. Old age doesn’t automatically make someone kind and gentle. It’s sad when an old person in a home doesn’t get visitors but I try not to judge - you have no idea what someone’s been like all their life and what their relationship with their kids is.
It’s also the case that dementias can completely change a person. Just from my own experience, my partner’s mum had a form of dementia and was in a home before she died. Her personality changed completely, she would say and do things that she wouldn’t have dreamed of doing before and actually ended up being asked to leave one home because she was too violent. I had never known her well so it didn’t bother me, but my parner struggled to deal with the situation as he felt like every visit was another bereavement.
I worked briefly in a dementia unit when I was in my nurse training (disclaimer I'm not a nurse now
) and it was very common for the residents not to have visitors. Some of the more lucid people would have family during visiting occasionally, as well as the very ill, but it was pretty much normal for others never to have anyone come.Sometimes the visits would throw them out of their routine and it would stress them out, or they would become frightened or upset at what they perceived to be a stranger coming to see them. Some patients were really violent or aggressive and you couldn't go too close to their bed unless you wanted nails or teeth in your arm! I have been fortunate enough not to experience it personally with a family member, but I can completely understand if someone wishes not to visit a relative who is very far gone with their dementia. And without wanting to sound too callous - in many of those cases the person is not going to remember if they had a visitor or not, and likely won't recognise them if they do come.
Oh I know every situation is different, unfortunately there is a lot of dementia in my family so I have seen how it can affect people differently. I was just highlighting how having kids doesn't mean they will always be able to look after you even if they want to, like ny dad. We would have preferred to look after him but I I only early 30s and at the start of my career I couldn't afford to be a full time carer to a 76 year old violent 6ft man, no matter how much I loved him. And the some people see care homes as an easy option to offload a relative and never see them again.I worked briefly in a dementia unit when I was in my nurse training (disclaimer I'm not a nurse now
Sometimes the visits would throw them out of their routine and it would stress them out, or they would become frightened or upset at what they perceived to be a stranger coming to see them. Some patients were really violent or aggressive and you couldn't go too close to their bed unless you wanted nails or teeth in your arm! I have been fortunate enough not to experience it personally with a family member, but I can completely understand if someone wishes not to visit a relative who is very far gone with their dementia. And without wanting to sound too callous - in many of those cases the person is not going to remember if they had a visitor or not, and likely won't recognise them if they do come.
Not everyone is like that. But it was very evident in my dad's home.
This is why it drives me nuts when people talk about "Who will look after you?". Imagine being so selfish and self-centered that you feel entitled to get free healthcare from your child who didn't asked to be born.
So many people are struggling to keep a roof over their heads even with two incomes yet some family members expect them to pop a child. Unless the family members will personally carry the child, provide full time childcare, savings for university and a downpayment for a house I wouldn't listen to them.
So many people are struggling to keep a roof over their heads even with two incomes yet some family members expect them to pop a child. Unless the family members will personally carry the child, provide full time childcare, savings for university and a downpayment for a house I wouldn't listen to them.
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I’ve never commented on here before, just lurked, but I feel so seen by this thread!
I like children, I really do. I adore being an aunt, I think I’m great with them, and I even did my work experience in a primary school (although I didn’t end up perusing it).
I do remember though always feeling so worried that I only had a certain amount of time to enjoy the world, to travel where I wanted and live how I like, until I had children. The ‘life script’ was really strong, and after graduating I just kept thinking ‘only x years left’.
When I realised it was a choice, that I could spare my potential children from environmental collapse and spend the rest of my life how I wanted, while supporting my siblings and friends with their children- it was a huge weight off and like a lightbulb going off. We just bought a 3 bed house so we can have everyone to visit and have space for an office, and not once did I picture a nursery. I’m 32 now, and the only time limit on my fun is my lifespan.
I like children, I really do. I adore being an aunt, I think I’m great with them, and I even did my work experience in a primary school (although I didn’t end up perusing it).
I do remember though always feeling so worried that I only had a certain amount of time to enjoy the world, to travel where I wanted and live how I like, until I had children. The ‘life script’ was really strong, and after graduating I just kept thinking ‘only x years left’.
When I realised it was a choice, that I could spare my potential children from environmental collapse and spend the rest of my life how I wanted, while supporting my siblings and friends with their children- it was a huge weight off and like a lightbulb going off. We just bought a 3 bed house so we can have everyone to visit and have space for an office, and not once did I picture a nursery. I’m 32 now, and the only time limit on my fun is my lifespan.
Third party biological clock watching is such a perpetual nightmare for women, whether they want kids or not. People need to stop and mind their own business.
I have a slightly sensitive question..
How do you reconcile your sexual urges with the fact you really 100% don’t want to risk a pregnancy? I have lots of issues around sex (hurting, too tense etc) but I genuinely feel like if I was sterilised and there was no risk of pregnancy then my sex life would be 1000 times better. And maybe that wouldn’t be the case, it wouldn’t fix my deep down psychological issues around sex, but I keep coming back to the idea that I would be happy to have sex (and I am a very sexual person) if I 1000% couldn’t get pregnant. Had the implant since I was 18 and now mid 20s (it came out last year) and no sex drive at all, So I don’t want to go back on hormonal contraception but due to my fear of pregnancy I just cannot risk any failures with physical contraceptives so we just don’t have sex
please say someone else feels the same and I’m not just weird??
How do you reconcile your sexual urges with the fact you really 100% don’t want to risk a pregnancy? I have lots of issues around sex (hurting, too tense etc) but I genuinely feel like if I was sterilised and there was no risk of pregnancy then my sex life would be 1000 times better. And maybe that wouldn’t be the case, it wouldn’t fix my deep down psychological issues around sex, but I keep coming back to the idea that I would be happy to have sex (and I am a very sexual person) if I 1000% couldn’t get pregnant. Had the implant since I was 18 and now mid 20s (it came out last year) and no sex drive at all, So I don’t want to go back on hormonal contraception but due to my fear of pregnancy I just cannot risk any failures with physical contraceptives so we just don’t have sex
please say someone else feels the same and I’m not just weird??
I looked at sterilisation and was told it is only 67% effective, so screw that! Besides, it’s extremely hard to get it done in the UK. It requires two consultant agreements and more often than not, at least one refuses. What about your husband/partner having a vasectomy? All of my friends who’s families are complete or don’t want kids go down that route.I have a slightly sensitive question..
How do you reconcile your sexual urges with the fact you really 100% don’t want to risk a pregnancy? I have lots of issues around sex (hurting, too tense etc) but I genuinely feel like if I was sterilised and there was no risk of pregnancy then my sex life would be 1000 times better. And maybe that wouldn’t be the case, it wouldn’t fix my deep down psychological issues around sex, but I keep coming back to the idea that I would be happy to have sex (and I am a very sexual person) if I 1000% couldn’t get pregnant. Had the implant since I was 18 and now mid 20s (it came out last year) and no sex drive at all, So I don’t want to go back on hormonal contraception but due to my fear of pregnancy I just cannot risk any failures with physical contraceptives so we just don’t have sex
please say someone else feels the same and I’m not just weird??
He wants kids is the problem
I’m in a right emotional pickle recently since acknowledging to myself that kids might not be for me…I did tell him the other day and I said if He really wants kids I’m not going to stop him doing that if it’s non negotiable for him because I can’t lie and say I do want them, yes I might change my mind one day but I can’t promise that.I 100% understand you! I also struggle with the fact that I would love to enjoy sex with my partner but the fear of being pregnant is constantly on my mind even though I'm on the pill.I have a slightly sensitive question..
How do you reconcile your sexual urges with the fact you really 100% don’t want to risk a pregnancy? I have lots of issues around sex (hurting, too tense etc) but I genuinely feel like if I was sterilised and there was no risk of pregnancy then my sex life would be 1000 times better. And maybe that wouldn’t be the case, it wouldn’t fix my deep down psychological issues around sex, but I keep coming back to the idea that I would be happy to have sex (and I am a very sexual person) if I 1000% couldn’t get pregnant. Had the implant since I was 18 and now mid 20s (it came out last year) and no sex drive at all, So I don’t want to go back on hormonal contraception but due to my fear of pregnancy I just cannot risk any failures with physical contraceptives so we just don’t have sex
please say someone else feels the same and I’m not just weird??
Being sterilised would completely solve my problems
Ah ok, so I would suggest a non-hormonal copper coil (if you don’t mind invasive procedures) and condoms then or you could use condoms and spermicide. They definitely won’t do sterilisation if you’re childless. I think your fear (i.e being tense and it feeling painful) is more to do with him wanting them and you not being sure, but you can’t go on like you are without both of you being on the same page. At least for now, two forms should reassure you and then decide to have that baby conversation again if and when you’re back on track. Unless you know you’reHe wants kids is the problem
sure you don’t want kids, don’t do anything drastic just yet. Otherwise make sure you have lots of foreplay to relax you and/or replace penetration. Even couples who don’t have penetrative sex can still have a fulfilling sex life.I really wouldn’t. Use condoms as well if you’re worried. I know people say they hate them, but they really aren’t a big deal anymore, with so many options to choose!I 100% understand you! I also struggle with the fact that I would love to enjoy sex with my partner but the fear of being pregnant is constantly on my mind even though I'm on the pill.
Being sterilised would completely solve my problems
It will also bring on many new ones, the menopause (sterilisation brings it on early) has many of its own complications, dryness, tightness, lack of libido etc. It is not as simple as men getting the snip.I 100% understand you! I also struggle with the fact that I would love to enjoy sex with my partner but the fear of being pregnant is constantly on my mind even though I'm on the pill.
Being sterilised would completely solve my problems
No that’s a hysterectomy. Sterilisation only ties the tubes to prevent pregnancy. It doesn’t affect hormones and you still ovulate and have periods. However, if it fails there is a much higher risk of ectopic pregnancy. It’s really not that effective either, so I just wouldn’t consider it anymore. I saw 4 consultants and they all said no anyway!
BBC News - Climate change: IPCC report is 'code red for humanity'
www.bbc.co.uk
Want a reason not to have kids?
Climate change: IPCC report is 'code red for humanity'
Heating from humans has caused irreparable damage to the Earth that may get worse in coming decades.
www.bbc.co.uk
Want a reason not to have kids?
BBC News - Climate change: IPCC report is 'code red for humanity'
Climate change: IPCC report is 'code red for humanity'
Heating from humans has caused irreparable damage to the Earth that may get worse in coming decades.
Want a reason not to have kids?
I became aware of the previous report around winter 2018. I remember mildly freaking out about it but functioning pretty well for a while. Me and my Mum were doing a dirty job in the garden one morning and she said something about the dirt/smell of children (like a 'they make worse smells hahaha') and I responded with "Well that is fine because I'm not having children" and she was agog as two gogs and said "What on earth do you mean"
And I started rambling about the IPCC and 12 years to sort things out etc.
It was like a switch went off in my brain and it was all I could think about every day. I think the whole thing including the child thing really upset her but it all accelerated to the point where we were stood at the bike rack at my local doctors (after a particularly stressful appointment) on a dark winter's evening and she basically said she didn't care if she had grandchildren (I'm an only child) as long as I was happy and safe.
And I started rambling about the IPCC and 12 years to sort things out etc.
It was like a switch went off in my brain and it was all I could think about every day. I think the whole thing including the child thing really upset her but it all accelerated to the point where we were stood at the bike rack at my local doctors (after a particularly stressful appointment) on a dark winter's evening and she basically said she didn't care if she had grandchildren (I'm an only child) as long as I was happy and safe.
Without a doubt this shitshow of the environment and all the inevitable political ramifications is the no.1 reason for me to not have kids.
Yesterday's news and social media was not fun for me.
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I also heard that by 2040 our average summer temperatures will reach 44 degrees and 6k people per year will die of heat stroke. Add that to the ever increasing burden of cancer and cardiovascular disease as well!BBC News - Climate change: IPCC report is 'code red for humanity'
Climate change: IPCC report is 'code red for humanity'
Heating from humans has caused irreparable damage to the Earth that may get worse in coming decades.
Want a reason not to have kids?
I just want to scream at people having child and say WHYYYYYYYY!?
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