A co-worker at my old job had a child a bit later (her early 40s) and the way she talked about it, it was clear she had the child out of fear of being alone when she got older. Her daughter was only 3 but she was talking one day about her "fear" was her daughter would want to move abroad to Australia or something and would "leave her alone." The whole conversation was so weird. She was even thinking of ways she could convince her not to go etc. This was her talking about her 3 year old's future! I feel sorry for that kid when she gets to adulthood and has to deal with her interfering mum.
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I see it all the time though, the number of my friends that hang out with their children is weird. Really we should be parenting them until 10 years old and then preparing them for independence but there is way too much codependency in families these days.
This is a tricky one. How did you frame things about children before you got married? Was it, "I never want to have children, and if you want to have a life with me, it's one without kids," or, "I'm really not sure, I'm not ready, I want it to be just the two of us first."Almost 2 years ago I met my soulmate (as lame as it sounds). He's 40 and so ready to be a father. He absolutely loves children and they love him too. We got married last year and we spoke about me not being ready and wanting to spend time just the two of us. Not to sound like a twit as so many people have suffered due to covid, but there were so many places I wanted us to have gone to, etc. He respects my feelings, but time passes and I don't feel any more prepared to try to get pregnant than I did when I was single.
I feel so bad about it, so conflicted. If we try and I get pregnant, will I love my baby or will I regret it in the future and resent my husband because he wanted it so much? Do I not want to be a mother, period? I have no clue!!!!!
Because if it's the latter, people often misinterpret, "I'm not sure," with, "I want children eventually," and they'll be under the impression that kids are on the radar.
The plural of anecdote is not data, but I have two friends that became reluctant mothers (they only had one child each). Years down the line, they both confessed that as much as they love their child, if they could turn the clock back, they wouldn't have had them.
I'm of the belief that children cannot be compromised on i.e. if one partner is keen, and one partner is reluctant, the compromise isn't to agree to have just one child. The difficulty is, no one here can tell you whether you may regret it or not, or whether you want to become a mother.
For me, it's a very visceral reaction - when I think about being pregnant, or looking after a baby, or doing the school runs, etc, I start getting a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach, like my instinct is telling me this is wrong. The book, "Is motherhood for me?" really hoped me work through my ambivalence, and when I came to the answer 'No,' it never shifted.
I know loads of women that have said that, I have myself but it doesn't necessarily mean that we regret the decision. I know my life would've been as fulfilled without children as with but in an entirely different way. I would've continued my career path as a Commercial Pilot, travelled the world, carried on shagging loads of different men but on the flip side I've loved watching my son grow and mature and can honestly say that if the world was full of people like my son it would be a far better place. duck knows how his father and I made an almost perfect human when we are very far from perfect, I'll never know, one of lifes miracles
I'm not really sure why you have chosen to pick up on that particular point as I stated the plural of anecdote is not data, but my friends do regret their decision in having children, and I think it's perfectly ok to acknowledge that some women do*, considering this is a childfree thread to talk about issues and stigma that childfree people face, and one of the things we constantly hear is that we won't regret having children.
*Orna Donath has written an excellent book on the subject called Regretting Motherhood.
*Orna Donath has written an excellent book on the subject called Regretting Motherhood.
This is a childfree thread. With respect and kindness, it’s not about whether YOU regret having a child or not.
Childfree people get comments like yours all the time, and it’s annoying. What is right for you isn’t right for everyone and again, with respect, you do not know @Satisfying Click’s friends or how they feel.
I wouldn’t go into a thread about parenting and talk about how the world would be a better place if everyone stopped having so many kids and stopped bringing them up so terribly, with the majority giving zero thought to the way they’re trampling the environment, so perhaps just think about that before you start defending yourself when nobody asked you to.
Saw this article posted on reddit.
www.independent.co.uk
"One in seven regretted having children at some point in their lives, compared to one in 12 who said they still regret it."
I would imagine that number could be higher as people would never admit they regret having children. There may also be parents who can't even admit to themselves they regret it.
All I know for sure is that I would rather regret not having kids than having them. And I don't see myself regretting being childfree.
One in 12 Britons regret becoming parents, survey reveals
Young parents between 25 and 34 more likely to feel regret about having children
I would imagine that number could be higher as people would never admit they regret having children. There may also be parents who can't even admit to themselves they regret it.
All I know for sure is that I would rather regret not having kids than having them. And I don't see myself regretting being childfree.Exactly!! This is ALWAYS my answer when people say “but what if you wake up at 65 and regret never having kids?”Saw this article posted on reddit.
"One in seven regretted having children at some point in their lives, compared to one in 12 who said they still regret it."One in 12 Britons regret becoming parents, survey reveals
Young parents between 25 and 34 more likely to feel regret about having children
I would imagine that number could be higher as people would never admit they regret having children. There may also be parents who can't even admit to themselves they regret it.
It’s a no-brainer for me. The regret of never having them would be so much easier to cope with than the regret of having them.
Has anyone here had their tubes tied without having previously had children? I'm about to finally make the break from 16 solid years on some kind of contraception and let my hormones run free 
but I'm considering just making it permanent since I know we don't intend to have any children (both mid thirties). I'm just worried that I'll have a hard time with convincing my GP or that I'll be made to wait.
but I'm considering just making it permanent since I know we don't intend to have any children (both mid thirties). I'm just worried that I'll have a hard time with convincing my GP or that I'll be made to wait.
I actually find it incredibly rude that we are even asked this because I never ever go around asking people if they regret having their kids? It’s not something we should have to explain or justify to be honest, I’m really not sure why it’s considered a fair game topic of conversation
eta not to mention someone might not be able to even have children. Imagine if you were trying and struggling, and someone asked you why you didn’t have a baby yet. Must be horrendous. As much as I happily say I’m ‘child free’ I do have endo so I don’t know for sure that it’s 100% my choice, if I tried maybe I wouldn’t be able to anyway and I just don’t know it yet
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I mean, this is it in essence - you are completely dead on.Saw this article posted on reddit.
"One in seven regretted having children at some point in their lives, compared to one in 12 who said they still regret it."One in 12 Britons regret becoming parents, survey reveals
Young parents between 25 and 34 more likely to feel regret about having children
I would imagine that number could be higher as people would never admit they regret having children. There may also be parents who can't even admit to themselves they regret it.
I actually saw someone say the opposite in another discussion around having children or not and I thought that was just crazy! The only response people have when you say "But what if I have them and regret it?" is "Oh, but you won't!"
Being mid-thirties you might have a bit more of a shot, but a lot of doctors may try to get out of it by either convincing you to try/stay on long acting reversible contraception or suggesting your partner has the snip.Has anyone here had their tubes tied without having previously had children? I'm about to finally make the break from 16 solid years on some kind of contraception and let my hormones run free
There's a journalist called Holly Brockwell who managed to get sterilised at the age of 30 - it took her four years to convince them to do it. She's active on Twitter, I think.
Four years! I just read about some of the abuse she got on Twitter for wanting sterilisation on the NHS - as if that wouldn't be MILES cheaper than either contraception for another twenty years, or having a baby!
I'm just tired of dealing with the side effects of contraception and I can't have an IUD (had one before and it got all fucked up and moved around because I have fibroids and I had it removed within about six months). My partner is happy to get the snip but I feel a bit like I want to keep taking the responsibility over my own body - though after having to solely be responsible for the contraception for years maybe it's time to take a step back if it's likely to be that kind of a fight.
It should be a lot easier for a grown adult woman to make a decision over her own body and her own future.
This exactly!!! Pisses me off no end! Along with the points you’ve made, I also find that those with children down tools at, for example, 5pm on the dot every single day, even if we’re in the middle of a big project with tight deadlines. Whilst I understand that childcare is for set times, it would be refreshing if just once or twice they offered to stay late and help finish off. I’m sure they could arrange that if they wanted, they just don’t want to. Whereas those of us who are child free are more or less expected to stay until the job is done. We don’t get paid overtime, so sometimes I feel like such a mug! It’s infuriating.
I'm self employed now and work with one other person who's also childfree, but back when I worked for the local council there were loads of people who had it written into their contracts that they had to work specific hours to fit around their kids school/childcare and also a lot who would only work term time only. This was fine for those who really needed it, but there were a fair few who's kids were in high school/college and they were still on these contracts and would refuse to work overtime even though they would openly admit that their kids were doing their own thing and didn't need them!
Ive had the non hormonal coil for a year now and it’s really good - it lasts 5 years too.Has anyone here had their tubes tied without having previously had children? I'm about to finally make the break from 16 solid years on some kind of contraception and let my hormones run free
I've worked in so many places over the years where parents got first choice of Christmas and Easter leave plans, etc. ... project teams too, where parents have been given special privileges (leaving at a set time every day, not being expected to work on weekends when a deadline is looming, etc.) ... it's just so wrong. One lady had a three week honeymoon booked over Christmas which she'd applied for, and was approved, in the June prior; two weeks before she was due to go on leave, a parent staff member decided they wanted an extra week off over Christmas to take their kids to Australia - guess who had to cancel her plans?
Before I was diagnosed with coeliac disease, and didn't know what was causing me to feel so unwell, I had to attend a lot of hospital appointments. Wherever possible, I took planned days off to attend these so they didn't interfere with work. I was called on one of those days by my boss (who knew why I took leave) and instructed to return to work, as someone's kid had a snotty nose so the parent had to stay at home, meaning the project team would be short of staff. I told my boss I could not cancel my appointment as it had been arranged a couple of months prior and was important - it was made clear to me at that point that the other person took priority. I took leave anyway, and resigned the next day to make a point.
It is discrimination, yet for some weird reason it's not viewed as such by many ... whenever I see "family friendly culture" advertised, I can read between the lines, that's for sure.
Before I was diagnosed with coeliac disease, and didn't know what was causing me to feel so unwell, I had to attend a lot of hospital appointments. Wherever possible, I took planned days off to attend these so they didn't interfere with work. I was called on one of those days by my boss (who knew why I took leave) and instructed to return to work, as someone's kid had a snotty nose so the parent had to stay at home, meaning the project team would be short of staff. I told my boss I could not cancel my appointment as it had been arranged a couple of months prior and was important - it was made clear to me at that point that the other person took priority. I took leave anyway, and resigned the next day to make a point.
It is discrimination, yet for some weird reason it's not viewed as such by many ... whenever I see "family friendly culture" advertised, I can read between the lines, that's for sure.
This is so true and reminds me a bit of my boss. We work in an open-plan office so hear everyone's conversations. He has 4 kids and is constantly getting phone calls from one of them about some issue. I'm talking around one call every half hour. It disrupts my work and distracts me when I can hear every word of his conversations. And more often than not he ends up leaving the office to go home and help the kids with some problem (they're all teenagers BTW). It's usually the most trivial issue too. The latest one this week was an issue with a flower delivery which he had to leave the office for. Would the office be as understanding if I was constantly taking phone calls from my husband? Or nipping home to tend to his needs? I doubt it!
I've only had the hormone coil previously but I had to have it removed really quickly because it was wriggling around my fibroids and getting all up in my junk
so I assume a copper one would have a similar outcome. I'm planning to try and speak to a GP soon and just ask what the score is because I don't believe I should have to go through multiple procedures and appointments and prescriptions to not have kids for the rest of my life when I know it's what I want permanently!It absolutely is, but it's a kind of discrimination people refuse to accept. My previous boss was the same, where he would excuse himself for all sorts of child related needs to leave work or take annual leave or skip important meetings, but since all of the managers below him didn't have children he didn't give a tit. He acted like having kids made him above other people and their time - I understand emergencies but I don't believe this kind of bullshit of people needing to take 6 calls a day for their kids. I didn't phone my mother 5 times a day for my problems and neither did anyone I know!
32 years old and still say what I said growing up, no way for so many reasons! I wanna do what I wanna do when I want to, I hate sports and don’t wanna take them to softball practice and spend weekends bussing them around, my money is spent on me and my loved ones and I don’t like buying kid stuff, pregancy grosses me out, my body is hot and I’m not losing it, I’m selfish and I can’t just leave the kid at home while I go see Slipknot, complications during and after pregnancy, have to eat healthy and can’t drink, gotta quit smoking, I have too many friends and family that I’m not giving up time for, the world sucks and I didn’t ask nor want to be born so why would I risk doing thst to someone else, don’t have to worry about my kids safety, don’t have to worry about if my boyfriend wants kids cause duck that...... I don’t even really want a boyfriend but I’m with a friend of mine now... he’s been my friend of 4 years and is the most wonderful man, so I’m not passing that up.
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