Childfree

[Shineyshine]

My MiL had a dig at me today because her daughter - who takes on too much and is possibly the most disorganised person I know, meaning everything falls apart - is "doing it tough" at the moment. My MiL was going on about how hard it is for her, and when I suggested that she could ask her husband and kids (early teens) to help, she snapped that I don't know what I'm talking about as I have it easy! Um, no lady - I just don't spill my guts to everyone or behave like a martyr. Sadly, that's how a lot of people see childfree people ... as living a very easy life.

I get this quite a lot and it infuriates me. Some of my friends are rushing around complaining about how ‘busy’ they are, while looking disapprovingly at me. I just sit back and think it was your choice pal, crack on. Yes, my husband and I don’t have the added pressures of children in the mix, but it doesn’t mean we necessarily have an easy life. Having said that, I wouldn’t swap places

 

[Wifo1976]

I’m not childfree, I had my children late in life and love them dearly. I’m not very tolerant of other kids though, especially when they misbehave. One of my friends children is totally off the scale, I now don’t want to go anywhere with them as it’s embarrassing. I don’t blame that pub for banning them!

 

[Beaversabout]

I know my husband wants kids and his big smug perfect family all revolves around them, I thought as time went on I'd come around to the idea but I really just can't stand children and the thought of having them fills me with actual horror. His family put constant pressure on me to interact with his nieces and nephews (literally handing them to me and wandering off with the expectation that I will look after them) and I feel so bad because it's not the child's fault that I just don't want anything to do with them. I hate the thought of being pregnant, the world is such a mess, I have tons of health issues I don't want to pass on, including severe OCD and anxiety which I know gets a thousand times worse when you have kids. It's so upsetting to be honest.

Good for you for being so self aware and smart. I have the same opinion too, the world's not getting better.

 

[Satisfying Click]

I agree about the state of the world. I know people tend to idolise the time they grew up in, but being an 80s-90s child came without social media and I think that's a huge factor in how these kids struggle to navigate our world today. That's not even taking into account the changing environment, the price of education, soaring rental costs, harassment of girls in schools etc. When I look at the additional stress and worry this brings my loved ones who are parents, I breathe a sigh of relief that this is a club I didn't join.

 

[Lanavalentine]

I had yet another ridiculous conversation with someone today about being childfree.

Them: oh wow, you don’t have kids? I bet you must be travelling and partying all the time, haha

Me: well not really, especially not since we’re still kind of in a pandemic!

Them: but I mean you have so much less responsibility. It must be so nice, never having to worry about anyone or anything. You’re not tied down.

Me: ummmm…
(in my head: I still have a mortgage and a business and a partner and a family and health conditions and members of my family have health problems and and and…)

Me: kind of. (Immediately changes subject)

So I’m a coward but I just met this person and she was kind of bolshy and I didn’t fancy a debate. I let the childfree team down, soz!

 

[Smca53]

I’m wondering if anyone finds they have a similar experience in their working life… I find that I (along with other child free members of the team) are expected to take on a lot more work than those with kids, because they are seen as having busier lives and needing extra help at work. I mean, they’re being paid to do a job, those in the team without kids didn’t force them to have kids. Why should we suffer for it?

I also find they expect/demand more money because they do have children. I’m not worth any less in a working environment because I don’t have kids to support.

 

[discokebab]

New to the thread but I'm going to an outdoor shindig this weekend. Everyone bar my husband and one other couple is either pregnant with their first or pregnant with their second.
Both my husband and I work with children with disabilities and mental health difficulties in one form or another and people generally can't get their heads around the fact we don't want kids of our own* and I just can't wait to have every conversation topic turned back round to children like it does pretty much everytime.

*The kids we work with are amazing. It's climate change/right wing populist nutjob future fear, my pets own my soul, I have no flipping time, I'm lazy, I like my abs too much and I like being able to come home to a quiet house and to do what I want.

 

[ElectricDreams]

I had yet another ridiculous conversation with someone today about being childfree.

Them: oh wow, you don’t have kids? I bet you must be travelling and partying all the time, haha

Me: well not really, especially not since we’re still kind of in a pandemic!

Them: but I mean you have so much less responsibility. It must be so nice, never having to worry about anyone or anything. You’re not tied down.

Me: ummmm…
(in my head: I still have a mortgage and a business and a partner and a family and health conditions and members of my family have health problems and and and…)

Me: kind of. (Immediately changes subject)

So I’m a coward but I just met this person and she was kind of bolshy and I didn’t fancy a debate. I let the childfree team down, soz!

This is exactly the conversation I've had with people! It's hard to get into it with people sometimes, my reasons for not having kids are complex and I don't really want to have to justify them!

 

[blackmasque]

If I say "I don't have kids because I don't want them" that should be the end of the discussion. Sadly that's rarely the case. Years ago my mother finally dropped it when I stopped engaging.

"When are you having kids?" No.
"Why don't you want kids?" No.
"What are you going to do if your husband leaves you because you won't give him children?" No.
"I need more grandchildren" No.
"Why won't you talk to me about this anymore?" No.

 

[Satisfying Click]

I had yet another ridiculous conversation with someone today about being childfree.

Them: oh wow, you don’t have kids? I bet you must be travelling and partying all the time, haha

Me: well not really, especially not since we’re still kind of in a pandemic!

Them: but I mean you have so much less responsibility. It must be so nice, never having to worry about anyone or anything. You’re not tied down.

Me: ummmm…
(in my head: I still have a mortgage and a business and a partner and a family and health conditions and members of my family have health problems and and and…)

Me: kind of. (Immediately changes subject)

So I’m a coward but I just met this person and she was kind of bolshy and I didn’t fancy a debate. I let the childfree team down, soz!

What a twit!

They sound like the sort of person who would announce, "Gosh, it's a bit quiet here!" at a funeral

 

[Chandler Bing]

If I say "I don't have kids because I don't want them" that should be the end of the discussion. Sadly that's rarely the case. Years ago my mother finally dropped it when I stopped engaging.

"When are you having kids?" No.
"Why don't you want kids?" No.
"What are you going to do if your husband leaves you because you won't give him children?" No.
"I need more grandchildren" No.
"Why won't you talk to me about this anymore?" No.

And what if you give your husband children and he still leaves you!

You can't win with these people.

 

[discokebab]

Also the people that make me honk are the ones who say "Who will look after you when you're old if you don't have kids?"
My Mum used to be a care of the elderly nurse and the amount of people who had lots of children who NEVER had any visitors was massive. Sure, that person might have been an hole but it just goes to show that you haven't created a personal nurse just by having a child. I could understand if the people saying this were from cultures where elder-care is still a huge part of family life but that isn't the case where I live.

Also in one of my previous working roles I have seen how your children can really balls up your plans in old age (see also - in the event of a serious accident or injury) if they don't agree with your choices when you lose mental capacity and your voice is being silenced - that is where I would then be drafted in.

 

[Northeast1988]

Just discovered this thread
I’m child free in the sense that I gave up the idea of having kids to move abroad

 

[30thisyear]

I have kids, wasn’t fussed about having them at the time but my husband is a fair bit older so he was ready. Wasn’t enthused about being pregnant, it was fine but didn’t get the hype NCT said I’d get!
love my kids more than anything now they are here, so I am glad I went against my intuition as I had always been against it.

but it’s hard work! And we spend many evenings envying our child free friends . Everyone should just do what they wanna’ babies or no babies. And other people should care less about lives thataren’t their own in general.

P.s. anyone that has kids to have someone look after them when they get older is a numpty. If you don’t have kids you’ll have plenty of cash to look after yourself / choose a carer that isn’t your child if needed

 

[Smca53]

Also the people that make me honk are the ones who say "Who will look after you when you're old if you don't have kids?"
My Mum used to be a care of the elderly nurse and the amount of people who had lots of children who NEVER had any visitors was massive. Sure, that person might have been an hole but it just goes to show that you haven't created a personal nurse just by having a child. I could understand if the people saying this were from cultures where elder-care is still a huge part of family life but that isn't the case where I live.

Also in one of my previous working roles I have seen how your children can really balls up your plans in old age (see also - in the event of a serious accident or injury) if they don't agree with your choices when you lose mental capacity and your voice is being silenced - that is where I would then be drafted in.

I always hate this argument. What a stupid reason to have kids, to force them to look after you when you’re older. My friends always use the “who will look after you and/or visit you when you’re older?” thing and it’s like, well, I’ll save a fortune by not having to fund children, so I’ll afford care for myself. Also, I wouldn’t be a dick and expect my kids to put their lives on hold to care for me. ALSO, I fully expect to still have fulfilling friendships when I’m older, why can’t I visit with my friends? Life doesn’t begin and end with children.

 

[judgejohndeed]

Nearly all of my close friends are having lockdown babies at the moment and I’m so sick of being asked when it’s going to be ‘my turn’

 

[Meg1912]

Second time posting here and so much has happened! First time I was single and thought all men were douchebags!
I'm 36 and honestly never felt my biological clock whatsoever. It's not that I don't like children, I think I do! It's like with adults, some are nice, some not so much.
Whenever I hear children screaming, I think to myself, goodness gracious, how would I cope with a screaming baby/toddler/child/teenager? I honestly don't know.
Almost 2 years ago I met my soulmate (as lame as it sounds ). He's 40 and so ready to be a father. He absolutely loves children and they love him too. We got married last year and we spoke about me not being ready and wanting to spend time just the two of us. Not to sound like a twit as so many people have suffered due to covid, but there were so many places I wanted us to have gone to, etc. He respects my feelings, but time passes and I don't feel any more prepared to try to get pregnant than I did when I was single.
I feel so bad about it, so conflicted. If we try and I get pregnant, will I love my baby or will I regret it in the future and resent my husband because he wanted it so much? Do I not want to be a mother, period? I have no clue!!!!!
I wish I could see the future and know what to do. Speaking of which, a few years ago, I did palm reading and the palm reader got absolutely everything right so far. She also said I'd have 2 children!!
Any advice, ladies?

 

[Notworthy]

I always hate this argument. What a stupid reason to have kids, to force them to look after you when you’re older. My friends always use the “who will look after you and/or visit you when you’re older?” thing and it’s like, well, I’ll save a fortune by not having to fund children, so I’ll afford care for myself. Also, I wouldn’t be a dick and expect my kids to put their lives on hold to care for me. ALSO, I fully expect to still have fulfilling friendships when I’m older, why can’t I visit with my friends? Life doesn’t begin and end with children.

I've got 1 Son, he has already been told that under no circumstances is he to give up any of his dreams to look after me, thats not what I want for my son, especially if I am gaga and don't know who he is anymore.

 

[Anne1448]

I've got 1 Son, he has already been told that under no circumstances is he to give up any of his dreams to look after me, thats not what I want for my son, especially if I am gaga and don't know who he is anymore.

My mom said the same thing. She said that she worked her whole life to give us a great life and can't imagine taking it away from us.

 

[ElectricDreams]

Also the people that make me honk are the ones who say "Who will look after you when you're old if you don't have kids?"
My Mum used to be a care of the elderly nurse and the amount of people who had lots of children who NEVER had any visitors was massive. Sure, that person might have been an hole but it just goes to show that you haven't created a personal nurse just by having a child. I could understand if the people saying this were from cultures where elder-care is still a huge part of family life but that isn't the case where I live.

Also in one of my previous working roles I have seen how your children can really balls up your plans in old age (see also - in the event of a serious accident or injury) if they don't agree with your choices when you lose mental capacity and your voice is being silenced - that is where I would then be drafted in.

When me and my partner were discussing kids we talked about who would look after us when we're old. He reckoned there's no guarantee that your child would do it, either because they've moved away or have commitments in their lives, or simply because you might not have that kind of relationship with them. His mum had him when she was older (though still younger than we are now) and being an only child, she has come to depend heavily on him to the point where it impacts our lives and what we are able to do. And she's still quite independent at the moment! We'd love to move away, travel more, even just live together (we don't at the moment as it's a long distance thing). I think he wouldn't want to put that kind of pressure on a child himself in the future.