Childfree by choice #6 Sleeping well at night, petition for childfree flights

[littlewonder]

when reading the regretful parents posts online it shocked me how many of these people were ‘on the fence’ or ambivalent about kids and we’re then pushed by their partner or family or societal expectations.

it also seems to be really commonly men that do the pushing (but not the actual pushing!) - I’ve read several where their partner tells them they want to be child free, the man doesn’t really listen because he assumes they’ll change their mind, it gets 6 years into the relationship and then the man tells them actually it’s a deal breaker that he wants kids so their partner ends up feeling forced to carry and bring up a baby! One person said they felt guilty because it was her partners life long dream - well he should’ve taken your choice seriously?!? Why should she ruin her life to fulfil his?

And it is crystal clear that there is nooooo such thing as ‘equal parenting’ once the child is born - even if they don’t realise it because treating women as unpaid labourers is so ingrained into society. It’s horrendous and I’m so sad for these people who are posting things like ‘I haven’t experienced a scrap of joy since they were born’ because they were manipulated and pressured into doing something that I think, deep down, they knew wasn’t right for them. But we’re so often told that we don’t know our own minds and that we were ‘born for this’ and ‘it all comes naturally’… it’s absolutely horrendous!!!

after reading it my partner came home and even though we both want to be child free, he’s not quite as adamant as I am so I went ‘you know I say I don’t want children? I really mean it so please don’t think that I might change my mind! I won’t and if you think having children will be a non negotiable for you then we need to know that and act accordingly aka BREAK UP’ thankfully he agreed and would rather be the fun uncle that babysits occasionally

 

[pinkmug]

Sorry for the double post, but the mummy martyrs are doing ham fisted satire now https://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/society/woman-without-kids-thinks-shes-tired-20191024190049

Missed the part where Emma begged you to have a baby, Donna I hate this attitude, you wanted this you deal with it. If someone is tired, they are tired it's not a competition. bleeping hell.

 

[JoeBloggs]

when reading the regretful parents posts online it shocked me how many of these people were ‘on the fence’ or ambivalent about kids and we’re then pushed by their partner or family or societal expectations.

it also seems to be really commonly men that do the pushing (but not the actual pushing!) - I’ve read several where their partner tells them they want to be child free, the man doesn’t really listen because he assumes they’ll change their mind, it gets 6 years into the relationship and then the man tells them actually it’s a deal breaker that he wants kids so their partner ends up feeling forced to carry and bring up a baby! One person said they felt guilty because it was her partners life long dream - well he should’ve taken your choice seriously?!? Why should she ruin her life to fulfil his?

And it is crystal clear that there is nooooo such thing as ‘equal parenting’ once the child is born - even if they don’t realise it because treating women as unpaid labourers is so ingrained into society. It’s horrendous and I’m so sad for these people who are posting things like ‘I haven’t experienced a scrap of joy since they were born’ because they were manipulated and pressured into doing something that I think, deep down, they knew wasn’t right for them. But we’re so often told that we don’t know our own minds and that we were ‘born for this’ and ‘it all comes naturally’… it’s absolutely horrendous!!!

after reading it my partner came home and even though we both want to be child free, he’s not quite as adamant as I am so I went ‘you know I say I don’t want children? I really mean it so please don’t think that I might change my mind! I won’t and if you think having children will be a non negotiable for you then we need to know that and act accordingly aka BREAK UP’ thankfully he agreed and would rather be the fun uncle that babysits occasionally

My husband and I always assumed we’d have children. They were just in our future plan. We’re 13 years in and so far no children, but when we first got together we were only 19, so we always said if one of us says no to having children then that’s the decision made the other person has to accept that. I guess if you have an underlying desperation to have a baby that might change things but that agreement is still in place today.

I loved the Greg James article. The bit about you need to be so certain if you want to have a child. I have felt a very minor broody trembling over the last few months and I mean it is a fleeting thought every once in a while and at no point, have I seriously considered having a child. I think people need to do that thing they used to do in the US where you’d be given a fake baby because I think the reality is so different and while, yes some women do absolutely take to it.
One of my closest friends who we were kind of friends, because neither of us wanted children had a baby last year and she is the most wonderful mother. She loves every element of being a mother and I am so happy for her, but I think there are so many women including my own mother who are not 100% into being a parent.

 

[really_whythough]

It’s not even just the ‘having a baby’ bit (which itself sounds horrific) but as a parent you (hopefully) then have - technology obsessed tweens, hormonal teens, young people going out in to the world knowing really nothing about what’s about to hit them and keep hitting FOREVER. Adult children who are just out there doing god knows what at any time.

I have friends of friends who are just living actual nightmares having become parents. Fully disabled children which as joyful and worthy of love as they are, limit your life and your family’s life substantially. An adult only-child passing away at New Year. Single retired Mum understandably distraught.

I know it sounds dark but if the biggest grief I’m setting myself up for is for my own waning fertility (which I’m not currently AT ALL bothered by but you never know what hormones or time might do to me!) then I think I’ll keep focusing on the positive things I’m enjoying and achieving in my life and nurturing my inner child.

That way I feel happier and more able to give help and love in my, not entirely child free, community.

 

[LaBlonde]

It’s not even just the ‘having a baby’ bit (which itself sounds horrific) but as a parent you (hopefully) then have - technology obsessed tweens, hormonal teens, young people going out in to the world knowing really nothing about what’s about to hit them and keep hitting FOREVER. Adult children who are just out there doing god knows what at any time.

I have friends of friends who are just living actual nightmares having become parents. Fully disabled children which as joyful and worthy of love as they are, limit your life and your family’s life substantially. An adult only-child passing away at New Year. Single retired Mum understandably distraught.

I know it sounds dark but if the biggest grief I’m setting myself up for is for my own waning fertility (which I’m not currently AT ALL bothered by but you never know what hormones or time might do to me!) then I think I’ll keep focusing on the positive things I’m enjoying and achieving in my life and nurturing my inner child.

That way I feel happier and more able to give help and love in my, not entirely child free, community.

this is a great post

i know we understandably tend to focus on babies/toddlers/children here but it’s the idea of parenting a teenager that terrifies me the most the stories i hear of teens just being absolutely vile to their parents, going off the rails, all of the danger which comes with a young person going out into the world (being the parent of a daughter in particular really frightens me in this day and age).

i think it also frightens me that so much can go “wrong”. i think when anyone who wants children thinks about raising those children it’s always with an element of rose-tintedness that the child will be as perfect as they can be, will always love you, will always be close by and present, will care for you in your old age….. but that cannot and does not always happen. i hear so much from the older women i’m surrounded by in work, some of whom are just completely run ragged by 20+ year old kids who just do not respect them in any way. i don’t think my heart could take that.

(i say i don’t think my heart could take that, i think i would have had a breakdown in babyhood so probably would never have gotten to the teen stage )

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

It’s not even just the ‘having a baby’ bit (which itself sounds horrific) but as a parent you (hopefully) then have - technology obsessed tweens, hormonal teens, young people going out in to the world knowing really nothing about what’s about to hit them and keep hitting FOREVER. Adult children who are just out there doing god knows what at any time.

I have friends of friends who are just living actual nightmares having become parents. Fully disabled children which as joyful and worthy of love as they are, limit your life and your family’s life substantially. An adult only-child passing away at New Year. Single retired Mum understandably distraught.

I know it sounds dark but if the biggest grief I’m setting myself up for is for my own waning fertility (which I’m not currently AT ALL bothered by but you never know what hormones or time might do to me!) then I think I’ll keep focusing on the positive things I’m enjoying and achieving in my life and nurturing my inner child.

That way I feel happier and more able to give help and love in my, not entirely child free, community.

This is what always bothers me. It’s when they grow up and they’re walking and talking with their own personalities. That’s the hardest part.

All I ever see and hear in work is my colleagues getting grief from their grown up kids. They’re either asking for money, refusing to pay rent or dumping their kids on them for free childcare.

I literally could not be bothered to deal with the stress of a teen and then a young adult. Plus loads of people are still living with their parents now when they’re in their 30’s which absolutely wouldn’t suit me at all.

also things don’t always go to plan and the child could be born with more needs than I can care for and they might need care until I die. That’s terrifying.

 

[Millyhex]

My younger sister (early 20s) is going through a (trigger warning here!) ED and my parents are at their wits end. I never want to go through this from a parent’s side it’s hard enough as a sibling

 

[really_whythough]

Totally agree @Rippedjeanmaybe and @LaBlonde

I’m lucky to have my sibling’s and friends’ kids who I can enjoy in small doses and then devote the rest of my time to sorting MY life out and putting MY needs first.

I think women are conditioned to always put others first which encourages an easy transition to motherhood. Through therapy and just life-experience I began to understand that I’m allowed to be the important one in my own life. That doesn’t make me horrible or mean, I helps me be nicer generally!

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

My younger sister (early 20s) is going through a (trigger warning here!) ED and my parents are at their wits end. I never want to go through this from a parent’s side it’s hard enough as a sibling

It’s so difficult.

ive mentioned it before, but my older brother (11 years older) has an array of needs including schizophrenia& Tourette’s. He started with both of these at a young age and the stress and trauma it put him, my mum & my other older brother through was horrendous.
He drove my mum to drink & depression. Luckily he’s in supported accommodation now so she can take a step back, but it was tough.

 

[really_whythough]

It’s so difficult.

ive mentioned it before, but my older brother (11 years older) has an array of needs including schizophrenia& Tourette’s. He started with both of these at a young age and the stress and trauma it put him, my mum & my other older brother through was horrendous.
He drove my mum to drink & depression. Luckily he’s in supported accommodation now so she can take a step back, but it was tough.

Sorry to hear that, must be so hard for you ALL. (I notice you didn’t mention yourself there). Being a sibling is still ‘having a family’ and we’re all aware of just what a lack of control that affords you.

Sending love. 🤍

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

Sorry to hear that, must be so hard for you ALL. (I notice you didn’t mention yourself there). Being a sibling is still ‘having a family’ and we’re all aware of just what a lack of control that affords you.

Sending love. 🤍

Yes and me too. I was very young at the time, he ended up in a residential school & voluntary care before I turned 5, but I was still on the SS at risk register prior due to the violence etc.

thank you

 

[Anne1448]

I love this conversation.

My parents had to deal with my older brother who was in an abusive relationship. His girlfriend was mentally abusing him for years and no one believed him. He had to come back home in his 30s with a shattered self confidence, mental health issues and suicidal thoughts.

My mother told us that she felt like a failure for not knowing how to deal with that because no one prepared her for that.

 

[witchofwestbyfleet]

someone told me i'm getting to the age where i should 'really be' thinking about having kids.. i'm bleeping 21

i'm really not arsed about kids, 90% sure i don't want them, but things like that do upset me

It is really absurd how many people think anyone and everyone should have a baby regardless of how young they are, being in poor health, etc. On one of the feminism-related threads here there was a poster who knew someone with a severely disabled teenage daughter who has no chance of ever living on her own or supporting herself - much less a baby. But social services told her parents that when she reached 18 she should no longer have the contraceptive implant (which was to stop her periods because she could not cope with them) as she "had a right" to have a baby!

 

[Chandler Bing]

It is really absurd how many people think anyone and everyone should have a baby regardless of how young they are, being in poor health, etc. On one of the feminism-related threads here there was a poster who knew someone with a severely disabled teenage daughter who has no chance of ever living on her own or supporting herself - much less a baby. But social services told her parents that when she reached 18 she should no longer have the contraceptive implant (which was to stop her periods because she could not cope with them) as she "had a right" to have a baby!

Can't cope with periods, but a baby, sure. Unbelievable!

 

[LaBlonde]

today in posts that fill me with rage!

 

[Satisfying Click]

"Me time" is acceptable if it gets the woman back to her pre-pregnancy hotness, it seems.

Bet her husband would care less about her mental wellbeing and time to herself if he found her sitting on the sofa with a pizza.

 

[judgejohndeed]

Small moan from me today…I hate it when parents assume we’re all fine to travel somewhere early for work or start earlier for work because they’re a parent so they’re used to getting up at what I would call an obscene time. Had colleagues who are all parents saying today ‘there’s a train at 6:30 so we can all get to X place for Y time’ when getting the 6:30 train for me means getting up at 5am…I said wow that’s too early for me, I’d go and stay the night before, and then they’re all jabbering on about how when you have kids you don’t ‘sleep in’ anyway (is not wanting to get up at 5am ‘sleeping in’??) and they have no sleep so they’re always tired as it is ha ha okay good for you, I don’t have kids and I don’t want to be up at 5am for any reason!

 

[Chandler Bing]

Small moan from me today…I hate it when parents assume we’re all fine to travel somewhere early for work or start earlier for work because they’re a parent so they’re used to getting up at what I would call an obscene time. Had colleagues who are all parents saying today ‘there’s a train at 6:30 so we can all get to X place for Y time’ when getting the 6:30 train for me means getting up at 5am…I said wow that’s too early for me, I’d go and stay the night before, and then they’re all jabbering on about how when you have kids you don’t ‘sleep in’ anyway (is not wanting to get up at 5am ‘sleeping in’??) and they have no sleep so they’re always tired as it is ha ha okay good for you, I don’t have kids and I don’t want to be up at 5am for any reason!

I'm the opposite, I love going into work super early so I can get out and do what I want with the rest of my day. Then I get "part-timer" comments from the jealous parents, they can't roll in until 9 because of daycare so have to stay until 5.

 

[mdizzl3]

Yeah I love sleeping in till 11 on a Sunday. When I tell people at work they’re like “oh I haven’t slept past 7am in 4 years”. Well whose fault is that?!

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

I'm the opposite, I love going into work super early so I can get out and do what I want with the rest of my day. Then I get "part-timer" comments from the jealous parents, they can't roll in until 9 because of daycare so have to stay until 5.

Hardly a part timer if you’re doing the same hours