Childfree by choice #6 Sleeping well at night, petition for childfree flights

[Pebbleybeach]

Read one as well recently saying that only parents truly know how to empathise

So we're just big sociopaths too apparently.

Someone said that to me. After telling me how pointless and empty my life was without children and how it was the only real reason to live - while I was sitting in the office kitchen eating lunch at the same table as my other colleague after she had just been told both her and her husband had fertility issues and wouldn’t be able to have biological children. Which the woman who said all that did know. I asked her how much of a nasty, thoughtless cold-hearted bitch she was before children if this was the empathetic version of her and she never spoke to me again. She would email me anything she needed to regarding work, wouldn’t even say hi or bye or anything so I took that as a win.

 

[Pebbleybeach]

Agree re the Radfords. They got together at a very young age as well and Sue was 14 when they had their first, she wasn't even an adult when she got married. No wonder she is stuck in such a childlike mentality - I'm not saying there is anything wrong with young marriage/pregnancy but there's a vast difference between doing that in your 20s, even early 20s, vs when you are 14!

There was a well known fundamentalist Christian family in the USA who had a large number of biological children (12 iirc, not as many as the Radfords but still) and then started adopting, essentially they were hoarding children as they couldn't provide for them all. The eldest unmarried daughter in the family was always expected to leave school and take care of the younger children, and a number of them had serious disabilities as well. This eventually led to one of the kids, who was seriously disabled, dying in a tragic accident because the parents couldn't supervise and were so overworked. The mother has now left her husband, come out as a lesbian, and attends a less extreme church and she has said she can't believe the situation she put her family in and why I honestly believe you don't really love children if you have more than you can provide and care for



I have had an eating disorder and BDD. If I got pregnant the weight gain, stretchmarks, etc. along with hormones and so on would absolutely cause a relapse as would the constantly being treated like my body isn't my own - I couldn't stand to have frequent blood and glucose tests but if you say no, you risk being reported to social services! When I've said this people have either said I was being selfish or said things like "it's different when it actually happens to you, you would do anything for your baby." That's not true. Having a baby does not magically cure mental health problems and can, in fact, make them a lot worse

It's well documented that one of the reasons why disabled people are very vulnerable to forced marriages is that in some cultures, people genuinely believe that mental illness or learning disabilities etc. will magically be resolved through marriage/children. I wonder how many of those on MN would think that's barbaric yet their own beliefs basically amount to the same thing?

Not a mental illness or a disability but I have had insomnia for decades and nothing has worked. My older brothers ex girlfriend told me having babies would cure it. Babies. Would. Cure. INSOMNIA.

 

[Jane Porcupine]

We have someone coming back to our team after a very long mat leave. She's sent an email saying she's looking forward to coming back and introducing us to her 'new little best mate' who is 'the best thing ever' and she 'could talk about him all day every day!'. With no less than TWELVE photos of the kid.

I hope I don't get sat next to her next time we're in the office.

 

[springstudy]

Probably a very controversial opinion but I know a lot of people who I'm sure keep having kids just because it allows them to have an excuse not to do f all with their time, get free money and benefits and gives them a sense of achievement because they haven't done much. Their whole identity is their children and when one grows up and goes into school, they have another just to continue this sense of being busy and having something to do. Then they will moan about how they don't have time to do anything and how it must be nice to travel/get a degree/have a nice job but they can't cos they have kids.... it's so funny.

 

[HoGi]

Was my sisters wedding yesterday...Best contraception ever. All the parents had a miserable time.

 

[judgejohndeed]

@zoominmoom yes absolutely, I saw a video on Instagram yesterday with a caption something like ‘you don’t know fun until you’ve been out with a mum who doesn’t have her kids for the night’ and it was a woman in a sparkly dress ‘dancing’ like an absolute idiot on the tube platform. Not my idea of fun but also are none of us ‘fun’ now either because we haven’t known the restriction a kid puts on your life and the subsequent ‘freedom’ on a rare night out? I prefer having my freedom all the time and not showing myself up every time I can go out, personally

 

[judgejohndeed]

Small moan from me today…I hate it when parents assume we’re all fine to travel somewhere early for work or start earlier for work because they’re a parent so they’re used to getting up at what I would call an obscene time. Had colleagues who are all parents saying today ‘there’s a train at 6:30 so we can all get to X place for Y time’ when getting the 6:30 train for me means getting up at 5am…I said wow that’s too early for me, I’d go and stay the night before, and then they’re all jabbering on about how when you have kids you don’t ‘sleep in’ anyway (is not wanting to get up at 5am ‘sleeping in’??) and they have no sleep so they’re always tired as it is ha ha okay good for you, I don’t have kids and I don’t want to be up at 5am for any reason!

 

[GirlOnTheTrain]

Bold of you to assume childfree people feel joy. I go home, plug myself into my charging device and just shut down until it's time to get up for work again.

Well, you know, it IS tiring having to drag our cold, granite, childfree souls around all week….

 

[Lola Ruby]

This is going to sound horrible as I’m not sure how to word this properly but the one thing I feel when I see a couple I know announce their pregnancy or a friend tells me they’re pregnant is… how boring. It tells me that you’re not content just being in your relationship for a while and enioying that, it’s another thing you wanted to tick off the list like marriage after being with your partner for X number of years and it’s just so predictable and dull. Often I’ll think.. you?? Wanting to be a parent? Really?

I can’t think of a single couple I know who are my age and have made the decision to be childfree - they either want kids / are trying or have just had a baby. I wonder how many of them actually want children or just see it as the next step in their relationship / are pressured into following societal norms? It’s bizarre that not wanting children is seen as ‘abnormal’ over making the conscious decision to bringing another life into the world, with the massive responsibility that brings.

 

[soph30]

Um watch your child? Of course a coffee shop isn’t child friendly, not everywhere has to be a playgroup

 

[Millais]

One of my neighbours is reading a bed time story to his sprog so loudly that I can hear it from my own bedroom “WHERE COULD SHE BE? IS SHE HERE? IS SHE THERE?” Well if you need to know the location of various women, one’s about to batter your door down and kick you in the balls so hard you’ll never have another brat to read to.

 

[Jane Porcupine]

My cousin just posted this on Instagram. Ok hun, keep telling yourself that and it might make it true.

 

[peachesandcreamz]

I often think about this, and undoubtedly it has already been brought up here, but isn't the concept of maternity/paternity leave a bit wild???

One of my close friends (who I love dearly, and good for her for taking advantage of it) has had 3 children whilst working at our company. You get 6 months full pay, and then it drops to 50% I believe for a further 3 months or so. Wow, if I had the opportunity to take 6 months off work with full pay, that would be life changing! And she's done it 3 times, taking a full year every time.

But because I choose not to have children, I don't see any of the benefit. There should be something available to people who don't wish to take up these benefits. Whether you choose not to have children or you're not able to, why should you miss out on what is essentially paid leave?

Gosh, I know this opinion really wouldn't go down well with most people, and I know parents would argue it's not "time off!" - but it is?? Because YOU chose to take on this huge other responsibility of having a child? Why can't I take on another huge time consuming and expensive side project and get 6 months off paid at a time!

Arghhgrhgrrggrhrghhhhh these are the sorts of things that wind me up But I must look a the bright side, and think about all the freedom I have, the money I save etc. I might envy some of the benefits, but I can sleep easy at night knowing I am certainly not envious of the children!

 

[LaBlonde]

Uh oh, the parents have found that Greg James article saw someone on Insta who already has two kids saying she totally understands where he's coming from because people are always asking when she's going to have another kid...?!

Stop trying to make everything about parents! It's not about you! Someone with two kids simply does not get questioned or treated the same way as a woman without kids.

“parents: not everything is about you” needs to be the next thread title

i noticed that too in his insta comments, like he wrote an honest and frank article about why he doesn’t want kids, doesn’t think they would fit into his life, would mean he would have to give up things he enjoys….. and there are parents commenting like “yes know exactly where you’re coming from! people ask me when i’m going to have my seventh child all the time!”

why do parents want so desperately to be included in everything?! it’s like if we all went and joined a mother and baby group.

 

[judgejohndeed]

Why do some parents thinks its always the responsibility of the child free to bend over backwards when they’re the ones who changed the friendship by having a kid? It’s just the entitlement some knobheads had and it’s not like having a kid means you have to be like that - I have a couple of really great friends who have kids and are still fab friends, don’t expect my life to revolve around their kids, will happily leave the kids with their Dads so we can do normal things etc. In return I make the effort with their kids too even if I don’t especially enjoy it. The friends I’ve purposefully distanced from after they had kids are the ones who expect you to run after them 24/7, flake at the last minute all the time because ‘kids’, refuse to let anyone else have the kids to go out - it’s actually them who become the shit selfish friends, and idk why we’re expected to put up with it?

 

[Tabitha]

It’s like when we went into lockdown and parents suddenly had to stay at home with their children 24/7 and all my feeds were just all moaning about how unbearable it was. That was the nail in the coffin for me.

 

[zoominmoom]

It's totally inconsequential compared to some of the stuff people have spoken about on this thread, but does anyone else get filled with unexplained rage when normal, everyday things somehow get twisted into something mum-specific? "Mum bun" is the worst one for some reason, as though 90% of women with at least medium length hair don't throw their hair up when they're lazing around the house (or maybe I'm just a slob!). I also hate "this mama heart (possibly quite niche as it tends to only be the American Christian anti-vax type women who say this and they're like a car crash I can't look away from, so it's completely self-inflicted.)

Some other honourable mentions are needing coffee because they're a mum, wearing comfy clothes because they're a mum, having a"mum bod" which very often doesn't actually seem to look all that different to many women without kids, having some me-time because they're a mum, etc. Nothing worse than the 'mum bun' for irrationally boiling my piss though!

 

[ChaiLatte12]

So I've been leaning childfree for a while now and a recent visit from a friend and her baby has officially sealed the deal for me. I've been suffering a lot lately with trying to figure out what I want from life and ignoring the various societal pressures that are placed on women. I've had so many snide comments from coworkers, family members, etc. over the years that took aim at my single and childless status (mind you I only just turned 29 these comments don't really make sense anyway).

Seeing my friend struggle with motherhood is really difficult. Her mental health is terrible and only getting worse (it was already awful before she had the baby). Due to her mental health issues, she is not a very good parent, has pretty much no patience, and has constant anxiety around stuff to do with the baby which leads her to make some questionable parenting decisions that ultimately make the situation worse.

I feel so much more mental clarity and less anxiety about life now that I've simply decided that I will be childfree. It really takes the pressure off everything. No more pressure of made-up nonsense timelines for me.

I really hate that women who are married / have children seem to get the upper hand in being judgemental to childfree women and get away with making all the snide comments. I used to have this coworker who openly admitted to baby trapping her husband who didn't want children and then bragged/whinged that she did all the parenting herself and he wouldn't even do basic things like buckle the kids into their car seats?! She would constantly make the most odd comments to me about my lifestyle to the point where it became a bullying situation and I had to report her to HR. I remember one time I bought groceries during my lunch break and shoved the bags under my desk and she said something like "oh wow, only two bags of groceries, that's not much at all but I guess you're oN yOuR OwN. If I was oN my OWN like you, I'd never cook properly and I'd have toast for dinner every night. Wow, it must be so easy not to have to cook ever." And she would make basically this same comment and apply it to any kind of household/life subject such as cleaning, laundry, etc.

These comments really shook me at the time and she was just relentless. So single/childless people aren't human, we never have to cook, our alien bodies require only toast for sustenance, we never have any cleaning or laundry to do, and we don't have any needs or responsibilities outside of work. What...

Anyway, it feels good to have made a firm decision for myself and now I get to be the one who sits there being judgemental and smug about other people's life choices. (I don't actually aim to be judgemental and smug, but I'm sure those of you who have been aggressively judged will understand that it's nice to have the upper hand, at least within your own brain )

 

[Yorkshirepud85]

I don't dislike children but I resent how nearly every public attraction/historical location is transformed into a child-centric utopia.

For example, I am a history lover and enjoy visiting castles. I went to Warwick Castle a few years back and I might as well have just gone to kids kingdom as all the character of the castle had been reduced to an elaborate play area. Feel it just cheapens the experience and you lose the weight of the history of a place.

 

[littlewonder]

I am so fed up with the constant posts of ‘a very different NYE this year, we wouldn’t have it any other way’, ‘you never know how special these moments are until you have little ones to share it with’ and ‘our lives would be so boring without children!’

speak for yourselves!!!! I got smashed and I’m still hungover, I wouldn’t have it any other way

then people complain that they’re only seen as one dimensional parents… probably because you talk about nothing else???!!!