Childfree by choice #5

[DCICassieStuart]

The dad looks really fed up and I’m not surprised. Just having to watch that video had drained me.
I watched some more of their videos and someone has said he looks like the guy with no neck from 90 Day Fiancé. 🫣

I've never questioned my decision not to have kids (43 now) but in the incredibly unlikely event that I ever did, that video would certainly remind me why I made that decision in the first place!
My idea of an absolute nightmare.

 

[5678]

I've never questioned my decision not to have kids (43 now) but in the incredibly unlikely event that I ever did, that video would certainly remind me why I made that decision in the first place!
My idea of an absolute nightmare.

Same! You get one life why would you want to spend it in that self made hell?

 

[shadowcat5]

There is someone on Insta (I’ll try and find what the page is called, something like gentle parenting), but she posts about how she doesn’t tell her kids to do anything because it’s disrespectful…

so if she tells her kids to pick their coat up and put their shoes away and they don’t, she will say “oh it’s okay mum will do it today because you are tired, but next time you need to do it yourself”.

these are like primary school age kids+. Totally ridiculous because then when they go to work they think they don’t have to do anything they don’t want to do!

I’m not saying kids have to do chores, but at least picking up after yourself, keeping your room clean and tidying up your own mess should be the basics.

do wonder how these kids will fair in adulthood sometimes when they get into the real world and realise that their boss won't tolerate 'I don't want to do that'

 

[mdizzl3]

This is a bit of tricky one for me cause IMO discipline is supposed to teach, not punish. A child doesn't have capactiy to understand responsibility, safety, socially acceptable behaviour so the job of a parent is to teach a child those things and that actions have consequences (which imo, is really not something we teach enough of nowadays but that's besides the point).
You shouldn't need to tell your husband when to go to bed cause he should already know that he needs sleep cause it's important. A child won't know that. Or at the very least, an adult would know that they're experiencing consequences of their own actions and it is their own fault. You can't expect a child to have the self control or knowledge to get off their phone/game and go to bed or else they will be tired tomorrow. I don't think their brain is developed enough to make the action (staying up late) vs. consequences (being tired) leap. If i stay up late on my phone and i'm tired the next day that's my responsibility but I am a grown woman who absolutely knows better.

I agree that taking the computer password away is not abusive but I also think the punishment has to fit the crime and the child because otherwise a child will behave out of not wanting to get punished rather than understanding why. So many times as a kid (i am autistic though so maybe this plays a role here) I would or wouldn't do something not cause I understood why, I just knew that xyz would happen if I did. I personally would have preferred to have someone say "you have to do this/you can't do that because xyz'. It does depend on the child though.

I also think some parents punish kids for either stupid reasons or punish kids so much that it loses severity. I had a friend who had such strict parents, they would punish her for not being ready on time, punish her for not doing homework, punish her for forgetting to do a chore, punish her for her room being a mess. It was relentless. She spent most of her teen years grounded/no phone/no laptop/no friends etc.. She never actually learned her lesson though cause she was never actually taught anything. She's now nearly 30 and still consistenly late and disorganised. She did a college course and would do the assignments the night before they were due despite the years of grounding for not doing homework. If she's going on holiday she will pack the suitcase 45 minutes before she's due to leave.

See, it works on some people - my mum would always use reason with me and I understood that stealing was bad because it upset people, pulling leaves off a plant was bad because the plant was hurting (I mean that was a lie but fair enough lol), screaming in the morning was bad because people were sleeping etc. But I guess I had a lot of empathy at 4 - some kids don’t, and if you explain that X action upsets someone, they wouldn’t give a tit. Like my brother - you could ask him to not scream in the mornings because people are sleeping, but he didn’t give a tit ever and did it anyway. Then what? Let him scream all morning?

I think kids (over a certain age) understand that staying up late will make them tired the next day, but they don’t have the self control to not do it, and this is the parent’s job. It’s a fine line. My parents were very laissez-faire once I got to a certain age - your homework’s your responsibility, we’re not going to force you to do it. I KNEW that doing it earlier would be better, but left it till the morning on the train because I had no self-control with computer games. But if you go overboard and supervise your kid doing homework and discipline them all the time, they can get to uni and go off the rails.

 

[Princesst]

On the the whole deadbeat/cheating/fed up dad thing even though I’m not overly keen on my friends husband I could see why he was miserable after having a baby who is now like 3 despite him being more in favour and “pushing for it” As I can’t WAIT to get out their house to the point so hardly even visit anymore. He’s there every day with it. One snapshot of being there: the dad gets home from work at 6.30. Kids asleep. He isn’t allowed to shower as their old water tank makes loads of noise CANT WAKE THE TODDLER. Don’t go in his room HES ASLEEP!! He’s obviously not seen his son all day and leaves before he wakes up in the morning. Then my friend isn’t sure what’s left to eat as toddler wants such and such tomorrow and that’s all they had for tonight, can’t eat that, super ratty about it to the husband. My friend is in a terrible mood after being around the child all day as he’s clingy. Dad says well he can’t even go in the garden with the kid as he’s so attached to the mum he won’t leave her in the kitchen. so he’d be happy to play with him but can’t anyway he’s asleep. All 3 of us talking in whispers and tiptoeing round the house like imbeciles. The husband went to the toilet and sneezed outside the kids room. Kid wakes up . My friend went crazy about it. Shooed him off, went in and slammed the kids door. I finally made my excuses and got OUTTA THERE! It was like a secret club between mum & toddler & the dad wasn’t allowed a part of rather than an equal 2 way parent situation. That was the same guy who said to me the child had ruined their life and from that little snap shot i agreed!

 

[mdizzl3]

Yeah…I don’t think that relationship’s gonna last. The mum’s kinda made a rod for her own back there!

 

[HeyBabes]

bleeping hell I may go and get my tubes tied after watch that utter tit show of “family life”

 

[penny1992]

I've never questioned my decision not to have kids (43 now) but in the incredibly unlikely event that I ever did, that video would certainly remind me why I made that decision in the first place!
My idea of an absolute nightmare.

What a miserable existence

On the the whole deadbeat/cheating/fed up dad thing even though I’m not overly keen on my friends husband I could see why he was miserable after having a baby who is now like 3 despite him being more in favour and “pushing for it” As I can’t WAIT to get out their house to the point so hardly even visit anymore. He’s there every day with it. One snapshot of being there: the dad gets home from work at 6.30. Kids asleep. He isn’t allowed to shower as their old water tank makes loads of noise CANT WAKE THE TODDLER. Don’t go in his room HES ASLEEP!! He’s obviously not seen his son all day and leaves before he wakes up in the morning. Then my friend isn’t sure what’s left to eat as toddler wants such and such tomorrow and that’s all they had for tonight, can’t eat that, super ratty about it to the husband. My friend is in a terrible mood after being around the child all day as he’s clingy. Dad says well he can’t even go in the garden with the kid as he’s so attached to the mum he won’t leave her in the kitchen. so he’d be happy to play with him but can’t anyway he’s asleep. All 3 of us talking in whispers and tiptoeing round the house like imbeciles. The husband went to the toilet and sneezed outside the kids room. Kid wakes up . My friend went crazy about it. Shooed him off, went in and slammed the kids door. I finally made my excuses and got OUTTA THERE! It was like a secret club between mum & toddler & the dad wasn’t allowed a part of rather than an equal 2 way parent situation. That was the same guy who said to me the child had ruined their life and from that little snap shot i agreed!

Wonder how long it will be until he leaves.

 

[HeyBabes]

What a miserable existence


Wonder how long it will be until he leaves.

I’m amazed he lasted til the end of that video tbh

 

[Nayalove96]

Hey guys! Love reading this thread so I thought I’d jump in. I’m 26 and have never wanted kids, I am very work orientated and I couldn’t think of anything worse than giving things up to have kids in the same way that my friends have! A few examples being ‘ can’t go on holiday I have a child’ ‘ i have to be home by 7 because of xyz bedtime’ ‘ oh I look a mess #mumlife’ you get my point but fast forward and I’m 6 months pregnant! I do believe that until you are pregnant and you start feeling your baby ect you don’t realise how much you want/ love that child but I will NOT give anything up! He will be a part of my life and I never want to lose myself in that. How annoying is it when people just use their kids as an excuse to be lazy and have no goals! Only problem is I don’t think I’ll have any mam friends who agree with my views

 

[pinkmug]

On the the whole deadbeat/cheating/fed up dad thing even though I’m not overly keen on my friends husband I could see why he was miserable after having a baby who is now like 3 despite him being more in favour and “pushing for it” As I can’t WAIT to get out their house to the point so hardly even visit anymore. He’s there every day with it. One snapshot of being there: the dad gets home from work at 6.30. Kids asleep. He isn’t allowed to shower as their old water tank makes loads of noise CANT WAKE THE TODDLER. Don’t go in his room HES ASLEEP!! He’s obviously not seen his son all day and leaves before he wakes up in the morning. Then my friend isn’t sure what’s left to eat as toddler wants such and such tomorrow and that’s all they had for tonight, can’t eat that, super ratty about it to the husband. My friend is in a terrible mood after being around the child all day as he’s clingy. Dad says well he can’t even go in the garden with the kid as he’s so attached to the mum he won’t leave her in the kitchen. so he’d be happy to play with him but can’t anyway he’s asleep. All 3 of us talking in whispers and tiptoeing round the house like imbeciles. The husband went to the toilet and sneezed outside the kids room. Kid wakes up . My friend went crazy about it. Shooed him off, went in and slammed the kids door. I finally made my excuses and got OUTTA THERE! It was like a secret club between mum & toddler & the dad wasn’t allowed a part of rather than an equal 2 way parent situation. That was the same guy who said to me the child had ruined their life and from that little snap shot i agreed!

I don't think your friend is handling motherhood well. This is a horrid way to live for everyone involved, including the toddler.

 

[Blond3g1rl]

Hey guys! Love reading this thread so I thought I’d jump in. I’m 26 and have never wanted kids, I am very work orientated and I couldn’t think of anything worse than giving things up to have kids in the same way that my friends have! A few examples being ‘ can’t go on holiday I have a child’ ‘ i have to be home by 7 because of xyz bedtime’ ‘ oh I look a mess #mumlife’ you get my point but fast forward and I’m 6 months pregnant! I do believe that until you are pregnant and you start feeling your baby ect you don’t realise how much you want/ love that child but I will NOT give anything up! He will be a part of my life and I never want to lose myself in that. How annoying is it when people just use their kids as an excuse to be lazy and have no goals! Only problem is I don’t think I’ll have any mam friends who agree with my views

I look forward to your update when your baby is 6 months old and your life is ruled by them. I honestly think you are naive if you think your life is going to stay them same.
Just off the alcohol support group to tell them about my nice glass of wine I’m going to have with my dinner. Seeing as no threads appear to be safe spaces.

 

[ATV2021]

I look forward to your update when your baby is 6 months old and your life is ruled by them. I honestly think you are naive if you think your life is going to stay them same.
Just off the alcohol support group to tell them about my nice glass of wine I’m going to have with my dinner. Seeing as no threads appear to be safe spaces.

Yeah...this is a "childFREE by choice" post. Not a get pregnant and you'll feel differently. I won't. It will trigger BDD off me in if I did for one, two I can think of nothing worse than some alien spinning round inside me and then having to birth it...then keep it alive after. I'll keep to my actual child free for life life when I can skip off where and when I want haha

 

[LaBlonde]

Yeah...this is a "childFREE by choice" post. Not a get pregnant and you'll feel differently. I won't. It will trigger BDD off me in if I did for one, two I can think of nothing worse than some alien spinning round inside me and then having to birth it...then keep it alive after. I'll keep to my actual child free for life life when I can skip off where and when I want haha

thank you for this. i thought i’d stumbled into the wrong thread for a second

“get pregnant and you’ll feel differently” is such a dangerous rhetoric in general.

 

[ATV2021]

thank you for this. i thought i’d stumbled into the wrong thread for a second

“get pregnant and you’ll feel differently” is such a dangerous rhetoric in general.

It really is. What if I fell pregnant tomorrow and didn't feel differently? What if I never did...and detested the baby? Then what? Just bop down the council with it and go nah don't like this thanks? No thanks. I'll stick to my "selfish" childfree life, with my tidy house and all the space for ME and my perfect Xmas tree

 

[Blond3g1rl]

Next we will be told we haven’t found the right man

 

[ATV2021]

Next we will be told we haven’t found the right man

Oh the amount of times I've had that said...People are lucky they haven't been punched.

I reply with "the right man won't want children either. If he does, he's not the right man"

 

[Caffeine Fiend]

I have children but I think if you genuinely never wanted children having one and expecting it to slot right into your life as it is, is a wild notion. Its nice you feel its changed your mind but I cant think all anyone has to do is get pregnant and youl feel differently is not great advice.

My parents expected me to slot into their lives, be quiet and dont interupt their needs or wants. I have been in therapy for quite a while, a lot of it stemming from childhood issues.

I admire people who choose to be childfree and it pains me they are made to defend that choice and explain themselves. I hope you are all enjoying the freedom it allows you.

 

[pinkmug]

The dad looks really fed up and I’m not surprised. Just having to watch that video had drained me.
I watched some more of their videos and someone has said he looks like the guy with no neck from 90 Day Fiancé. 🫣

If my partner was being an idiot by filming the meltdown of a clearly never disciplined toddler instead of attending to the child and sorting out his behaviour, I'd flip out. I don't know who these people are but I'm grossed out. The cheerie sound of her choosing to be entirely oblivious while the guy is trying to deal with that horror show, and having the galls to tell him to smile at the end... I felt like smacking my phone. What a nightmare.

 

[LaBlonde]

It really is. What if I fell pregnant tomorrow and didn't feel differently? What if I never did...and detested the baby? Then what? Just bop down the council with it and go nah don't like this thanks? No thanks. I'll stick to my "selfish" childfree life, with my tidy house and all the space for ME and my perfect Xmas tree

exactly, it also immediately sets you up to feel “wrong”. telling someone that they will feel a complete earth shattering love when their baby moves etc and then they just….. don’t immediately sets the mindset that you must feel immediate connection to your baby and if you don’t then there’s something wrong.

plus, like you say, what do we do when we don’t magically change their minds? what’s the return policy here?!

having a child is a decision, an act, that can never be undone. the idea that it should be treated as a fun experiment to see how you’ll feel when it happens is ridiculous and frankly dangerous to the actual tiny human at the centre of it.

If my partner was being an idiot by filming the meltdown of a clearly never disciplined toddler instead of attending to the child and sorting out his behaviour, I'd flip out. I don't know who these people are but I'm grossed out. The cheerie sound of her choosing to be entirely oblivious while the guy is trying to deal with that horror show, and having the galls to tell him to smile at the end... I felt like smacking my phone. What a nightmare.

if i were him i think i would have gotten in the car, alone, and driven myself home. she didn’t offer any help while he did all the running around and then decided to tease him on the way home? nope.

also her loudly telling the baby how good she’s being and how she’s the best child isn’t exactly going to help the toddler, who can probably hear that.