Childfree by choice #5

[HeyBabes]

I've bought a few things from SilkFred lately, so thought I'd follow them on Insta, seems all their reels nowadays show dresses on some pregnant lassie. I'm sorry but I'm not following a maternity site, I don't want to see what I want to buy on some pregnant woman, that doesn't help me. Literally all their posts are showing thiis woman, I'm wondering what I've followed now

 

[shadowcat5]

One of the comments has got me thinking - so smacking is now unacceptable because it’s “physical abuse” and if you hit an adult it would be assault. Fine, I get that. But then, if we’re comparing the behaviour to an adult….isn’t disciplining your child also abuse? If you told your husband what time to go to bed, what they can and can’t do, didn’t let them watch TV, punished them in any way for behaving not to your liking - it’s coercive control. So do we just never discipline children then?

I once went to a counsellor and mentioned that my friends used to get grounded but I didn’t go out much anyway as I was into gaming, so my punishment for not doing homework/tidying was having the computer password taken away for a week - he told me that’s abuse lol. With modern attitudes like that, no wonder all kids basically just do what they want and run the entire household. I don’t think you can apply adult standards to children - their brains aren’t developed enough to be treated like adults and given full freedom. But I see so many people asking their toddler “what would you like to do today” and wondering why their kid’s a spoilt brat!

This is a bit of tricky one for me cause IMO discipline is supposed to teach, not punish. A child doesn't have capactiy to understand responsibility, safety, socially acceptable behaviour so the job of a parent is to teach a child those things and that actions have consequences (which imo, is really not something we teach enough of nowadays but that's besides the point).
You shouldn't need to tell your husband when to go to bed cause he should already know that he needs sleep cause it's important. A child won't know that. Or at the very least, an adult would know that they're experiencing consequences of their own actions and it is their own fault. You can't expect a child to have the self control or knowledge to get off their phone/game and go to bed or else they will be tired tomorrow. I don't think their brain is developed enough to make the action (staying up late) vs. consequences (being tired) leap. If i stay up late on my phone and i'm tired the next day that's my responsibility but I am a grown woman who absolutely knows better.

I agree that taking the computer password away is not abusive but I also think the punishment has to fit the crime and the child because otherwise a child will behave out of not wanting to get punished rather than understanding why. So many times as a kid (i am autistic though so maybe this plays a role here) I would or wouldn't do something not cause I understood why, I just knew that xyz would happen if I did. I personally would have preferred to have someone say "you have to do this/you can't do that because xyz'. It does depend on the child though.

I also think some parents punish kids for either stupid reasons or punish kids so much that it loses severity. I had a friend who had such strict parents, they would punish her for not being ready on time, punish her for not doing homework, punish her for forgetting to do a chore, punish her for her room being a mess. It was relentless. She spent most of her teen years grounded/no phone/no laptop/no friends etc.. She never actually learned her lesson though cause she was never actually taught anything. She's now nearly 30 and still consistenly late and disorganised. She did a college course and would do the assignments the night before they were due despite the years of grounding for not doing homework. If she's going on holiday she will pack the suitcase 45 minutes before she's due to leave.

 

[shadowcat5]

Young children do not have the ability to reason. That part of the brain has not developed.

i think it depends on what you mean by reasoning though. In the same way that “discipline” also has different forms.

i also think it depends on age. An 8 year old who has been disciplined properly as a toddler is more than capable of being reasoned with in certain circumstances. My mum always said that if you do the ground work when they’re little and they are taught proper boundaries then you will do very little “discipline” as they get older because you are able to say “pack it in” or give them the look without any further issue.
Obviously an older kid kicking their parents needs discipline but if you’ve got to the stage where your kid is hitting you then you probably aren’t reasoning or disciplining either way.

 

[mdizzl3]

This is a bit of tricky one for me cause IMO discipline is supposed to teach, not punish. A child doesn't have capactiy to understand responsibility, safety, socially acceptable behaviour so the job of a parent is to teach a child those things and that actions have consequences (which imo, is really not something we teach enough of nowadays but that's besides the point).
You shouldn't need to tell your husband when to go to bed cause he should already know that he needs sleep cause it's important. A child won't know that. Or at the very least, an adult would know that they're experiencing consequences of their own actions and it is their own fault. You can't expect a child to have the self control or knowledge to get off their phone/game and go to bed or else they will be tired tomorrow. I don't think their brain is developed enough to make the action (staying up late) vs. consequences (being tired) leap. If i stay up late on my phone and i'm tired the next day that's my responsibility but I am a grown woman who absolutely knows better.

I agree that taking the computer password away is not abusive but I also think the punishment has to fit the crime and the child because otherwise a child will behave out of not wanting to get punished rather than understanding why. So many times as a kid (i am autistic though so maybe this plays a role here) I would or wouldn't do something not cause I understood why, I just knew that xyz would happen if I did. I personally would have preferred to have someone say "you have to do this/you can't do that because xyz'. It does depend on the child though.

I also think some parents punish kids for either stupid reasons or punish kids so much that it loses severity. I had a friend who had such strict parents, they would punish her for not being ready on time, punish her for not doing homework, punish her for forgetting to do a chore, punish her for her room being a mess. It was relentless. She spent most of her teen years grounded/no phone/no laptop/no friends etc.. She never actually learned her lesson though cause she was never actually taught anything. She's now nearly 30 and still consistenly late and disorganised. She did a college course and would do the assignments the night before they were due despite the years of grounding for not doing homework. If she's going on holiday she will pack the suitcase 45 minutes before she's due to leave.

See, it works on some people - my mum would always use reason with me and I understood that stealing was bad because it upset people, pulling leaves off a plant was bad because the plant was hurting (I mean that was a lie but fair enough lol), screaming in the morning was bad because people were sleeping etc. But I guess I had a lot of empathy at 4 - some kids don’t, and if you explain that X action upsets someone, they wouldn’t give a shit. Like my brother - you could ask him to not scream in the mornings because people are sleeping, but he didn’t give a shit ever and did it anyway. Then what? Let him scream all morning?

I think kids (over a certain age) understand that staying up late will make them tired the next day, but they don’t have the self control to not do it, and this is the parent’s job. It’s a fine line. My parents were very laissez-faire once I got to a certain age - your homework’s your responsibility, we’re not going to force you to do it. I KNEW that doing it earlier would be better, but left it till the morning on the train because I had no self-control with computer games. But if you go overboard and supervise your kid doing homework and discipline them all the time, they can get to uni and go off the rails.

 

[katlovescats]

Like children, dogs are very noticable if nobody raised them well. I'm still salty that I had to cross the road today because two unleashed dogs behind a very tiny fence kept barking and jumping at me.

 

[mediocrehouseplant]

I have one brother and although my sister-in-law has two siblings and 3 nephews, they're in another country a very long flight away. They're planning on kids, thank goodness as my mum seems to accept that it's never happening for me. I like kids in small doses, I could never handle having any myself.

My SIL is the high earner so they've already decided on my brother being the stay-at-home parent, if the need arises. I like to think my SIL would kick him up the arse if he was as lax as some of the dads mentioned here - and I'd be right behind her!

 

[witchofwestbyfleet]

Yet another reason not to have children. It’s such a huge risk for women if you don’t bring in your own money.

I recommend The Feminine Mistake by Leslie Bennetts about exactly what can go wrong if you are a SAHM with none of your own money coming in. It focuses a lot on successful Ivy League-educated American women who left their very well paid professional careers, but does discuss the rest of the social spectrum. I don't think it is helpful to tell women that "your husband will trade you in for someone much younger!" but if the marriage lasts, you still run the risk of divorce, disability, unemployment and so on

Are any of you only children? Do you guys think being an only child vs having siblings influenced your decision?

I'm one of twins and we have an older sister who has children. I don't want biological children and my twin will most likely not be able to have any because of endometriosis. I don't particularly think it's affected my decision although I grew up with the knowledge that my mother had a difficult birh (obviously a multiple birth is harder), later in my early teens I discovered an aunt had had several miscarriages and my grandmoher had had a hysterectomy for medical reasons caused by giving birth to three children. I think that put me off a little lol

 

[Eggsandbeans]

Or just say you don’t want to.

 

[Zenchick101]

Our house is the same, it's great! I hate Halloween with a passion, so I don't answer the door. I still buy the sweets though is it me or is the build up to Halloween getting like the build up to Christmas?

definitely is and I believe for commercial reasons. I've seen Halloween become more popular in European countries where it didn't use to be a thing as well

 

[Mrs Fluff]

Basically a box full of extra gifts given the day before....tonnes of presents. Usually have pj's/film/food etc (not a thing we had growing up AT ALL)

My own Xmas eve box to myself is a takeaway and a bottle of wine

Mine is a bottle of Bailey's

 

[mdizzl3]

I’ve only ever used condoms for 11 years now. Never had an accident or breakage or anything. Didn’t really fancy hormonal contraception as nearly all my friends had some sort of side effect from it. I don’t really enjoy sex though so now I only have it like once every 2 months!

 

[prozacprincess]

How old is she? If she’s under 75 she will probably change her mind…

She’s in her 40’s like me. it’s so refreshing to work with someone like me

Today I had leftover pizza for breakfast. No regrets.

I had rhubarb pie Isn’t it nice to not feel like we have to set a ‘good example’ to anyone ?

 

[imbackagain]

Someone I follow occasionally posted a story yesterday of their baby with food all over their face. I nearly got sick

 

[Smirkymirky]

I love this thread. We usually rent a house with a pool to avoid kids.

 

[prozacprincess]

My cousin almost died giving birth and said that she would never do it again.

It breaks my heart because she always wanted 3 children. I can't imagine the guilt she must feel

Why guilt in particular ?

 

[shadowcat5]

Congratulations @Rippedjeanmaybe Hope you had a fab day

 

[HoGi]

I don’t know if I’m allowed to share the account but there’s someone on TikTok who keeps coming up on my FYP and all their videos are about what it’s like being a mum - a video on them contemplating what to feed their child for lunch because she already had toast this morning, but she won’t eat this, but is there enough veg in that etc. if I wasn’t already convinced as to whether or not to have children, this woman would do it for me because everyone I see her videos I think ‘fuck your life is boring’.

I saw that video yesterday

I know it's meant to be her internal monologue or conversations with the dad or whatever. But i watch them and think who the fuck is finding this entertaining?! It just sounds so boring and monotonous. If I was a parent and that's my everyday life I wouldn't then want to watch someone else thinking the same shit out loud

 

[penny1992]

I am curious what bc you all use to prevent pregnancies? I've been on Depo for over a decade... Controversial I know! But it also is the only medication that minimizes my endo symptoms. My gynecologist and Dr are not worried about me being on it long term as they've said the "worrying" studies about bone density are very outdated. I've never had any issues on it. I'm actually so glad to never have a period . I did come off it for a couple of months and my period came back straight away and it was fucking horrible. I got so used to not having one, I would hate to have it every month. Lmao.

 

[Jane Porcupine]

I'm 42. One of my school friends has a 'child' aged 18. The youngest child of a close friend is nearly 2.

 

[JoeBloggs]

This is something I’ve found really tricky as I get older so I’m genuinely interested to know…how do you (or anyone else here!) go about making child free friends? I do find that as you get into your 30s/40s most people have ‘established’ friendship groups and don’t seem to want to branch out..but I’d love to be proved wrong!

I joined a few ladies social groups locally and met my closest friends. One I’ve known 5 years now since I moved to the area and the others just over a year. They came to my wedding two months ago!

Outside of these I have three other long terms friends but none live locally.

The one I met 5 years ago has had baby, but baby never comes out with us as we were both very anti baby when we met.