Childfree by choice #5

[Pebbleybeach]

I just want to rant a bit. There’s an Instagrammer that has just announced her pregnancy after previously saying her / partner didn’t want children and didn’t see it in their future. That’s fine, I have no issue with people choosing differently.

But omg the comments on the thread 🫠 “I knew she would change her mind!” “I said she would want kids and now she does” “I knew it”. Like…. Stop.

This narrative that all women who say they don’t want children will “eventually change their mind” is so damaging and frustrating!

Let’s hope it works out better for this instagrammed than it did for Kate lawler (she has a thread on here somewhere), who didn’t want a kid, her husband did - they did a podcast about it where everyone basically told her to have a kid and she did… her instagram/tattle thread is just 🫣

 

[ElectricDreams]

absolutely same! probably a little morbid but i have no real desire to go past my mid-60s really, actual old age absolutely horrifies me and i truly do not want to be old. it’s always been a deep fear of mine.

i absolutely wish we were given more control over life and death in this country. everyone deserves the right to pass with dignity and i don’t get the mindset here that you must carry on right until the end, regardless of your state at the time. i don’t on any level think you’re mad for saying so.

I don't particularly fear being old, my grandparents are 87 and still very independent and active and my other nana lived to 92 and was in good health until her last year. But I can understand that many people aren't so lucky and old age can feel like a burden.

Voluntary euthanasia is a tricky one for me. My dad has Huntingtons disease and I'm very much aware that I am at risk too. My dad was the first person in my family that I had ever known with it so I don't really have a good insight into how bad it will be as he progresses. But I know there is a high incidence of suicide among people at risk of HD who have seen and cared for family members and want to avoid going through it themselves. I personally don't think it's something I would consider but I do fully get why someone in a situation like this would. To lose control of your body but not your mind must be awful so I can see why some people with conditions like this would want to go peacefully and with dignity before the disease progresses too much.

 

[GiftedNotFree]

Are there any Frasier fans? I always loved a line the cgaraKate Costas had when discussing the concept of having children / Frasier confirming he’d like more children.

She said something like: “I like kids. I don’t see myself mothering one, though”.

And that has always stuck with me. It’s pretty much exactly how I feel. I don’t mind {most} children but I could never rear any myself.

 

[GirlOnTheTrain]

Just a heads up if any of you were considering visiting a stately home this weekend:

Ropes come down as National Trust lets children roam free at Sudbury Hall

Visitors to Children’s Country House can dress up in the saloon, curl up in the library and play in the kitchen

www.theguardian.com

 

[Pebbleybeach]

While I do agree on some ways, we would struggle to live like the 50s on one wage. We could just about cover our mortgage, council tax, electric and food let alone pay for a kid.
I do think some people live to an extreme but in todays age it is much harder for a mum to stay at home than it ever was.

Yeah, it is harder, definitely but literally all of my friends and my relatives with little children are stay at home mums, most of those with older kids are stay at home mums or part time. They have old phones, uk holidays, do their own nails, live in smaller/older houses etc and they’re happy and manage.

I’m just saying there’s no reason for people to complain incessantly online about ‘having’ to work and how the government need to pay their childcare and it’s not fair their mum was a stay at home mum and they can’t be, and stuff like that when many women don’t work and they manage. People just need to adjust their lifestyle if they want to prioritise being a stay at home mum but if they don’t see it as a priority why do we all have to listen to the complaining about it.

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

How is everyone here set up for Christmas? Breathing a sigh of relief that we're with my in-laws this year, and there will be no kids

For Christmas it will be myself, my husband, my mum, my older brother, husband’s mum & dad, husband’s nan & husband’s older sister.

There are no children in either of our immediate families so no risk of spending Christmas with any children. In fact I have never spent any Christmases with kids and I love it. It’s so relaxing.

 

[mediocrehouseplant]

Pretend you’ve got a very time consuming hobby, make it boring so no one asks follow up questions, stay home and watch Netflix.

Geocaching might be a good one for this - endless rambling outdoors in (relatively?) remote locations; can be done in groups so no, sadly, you can't make it this weekend as you'll be letting your group down as you're responsible for locating cache #2

 

[mdizzl3]

My friend is pregnant at the moment.

She was saying the other day that they need to start thinking about birth plans.

She thankfully said she is quite open to whatever needs doing but if it comes down to her or the baby both her and husband agree it is save her. They would hopefully be able to try for another baby but they can't replace her.

I think where it’s literal life/death the doctors always save the mum. However in a situation where it’s a better outcome for mum imo ( emergency c-section over forceps and huge risk of nasty tear), but the baby may be slightly worse off (can be more dangerous to push them up the birth canal for a c-section), they always do what’s best for baby. They always push women into forceps rather than a c-section. I personally would refuse consent and take the extra risk of harm to the baby in order to have a better outcome myself. But I’m not having kids!

 

[Anne1448]

I realised it isn't so much the children I dislike but their useless parents. It isn't the child's fault their parent is a thoughtless dick head

I read this as toothless dick head and I was utterly confused

 

[it’s not been changed?!]

That’s disgusting! Can’t believe the way she is manhandling that poor cat I have a pet cat and I wouldn’t dream of picking him up like that.

I found it really distressing to see her open the door on the cat and then pick it up by it’s skin on his back and carry him I had a skim through the comments and they’re all laughing about it!
Would the cat not run away if it didn’t like it, though?!

 

[JE172]

I love how Halloween is huge now.

Parents were so scared of children being assaulted, kidnapped or worse that they never allowed us to do it where I lived.

I was never allowed to trick or treat growing up in the 80’s, in my mothers words “it’s begging and my children will not roam the streets”!
Now we just turn the front lights and Ring doorbell off so our house tends to get bypassed thankfully, my husband is catholic and doesn’t believe in Halloween anyway as it’s pagan.

 

[Aemee00]

Hell I've only got a hamster and even he had an impact on my life as I need to get him looked after when I go away (and people aren't as willing to look after rodents as they are dogs and cats ) No way could I cope with anything bigger and more complicated demanding my time!

I was viewing a house last week and the seller asked if we had kids, we said hell no! A while later she said "if you do have kids, the house is in the catchment area for the best primary school in the area" I mean, I should probably be flattered that she thinks I'm still young enough to consider having kids but at 40 I'm definitely not starting now!

Hahaha I feel this!

I have a pet cockatiel and she has to stay with my mum if we go away for longer than a weekend! If we go away for 1 or 2 nights, my partners brothers will pop round to change her food and let her out for a fly one day and my mum will the next day I have a morning routine where I boil the kettle and let her water cool so it's sterilised, cook her some veg and tidy her cage. This is enough of a commitment for me!

 

[JoeBloggs]

I’m an only child and so is my husband. We enjoy being alone and amusing ourselves. We’re also pretty selfish and while I know I could look after a child I don’t want to.

 

[pinkmug]

Tw: suicide mention.

This is a tricky subject for me. On one hand, I find the thought of dying from old age, with loved one(s) nearby comforting, and growing old isn't a nightmare for everyone. The finality of death is still scary to me, even when my depression was at its worst, I didn't really want to die, I just wanted out, to be not-me. So, arranging a way to "go" sounds like it would be my last resort, provided that I could afford it of course. On the other hand, I find the dependency, the frailty and increasing needs that come with old age quite frightening. This is why I kind of get people who have children to be not alone when they are old. Obviously it's not guaranteed and they could turn out to be completely indifferent, but the thought of having someone out there who will keep an eye out could easily be comforting. Care homes can be hit or miss and I sometimes wonder whether people actually would care about me if they had no family members to answer to.

Bit morbid for a Wednesday night but hey.

 

[Pebbleybeach]

She has a child don’t you know! Clearly she’s the first woman ever to procreate and just HAS tobe a total martyr about it

Maybe she’s starting extremely tiny and working her way up to the massive problems she’s encountered, either that or she’s in for a massive shock

 

[LaBlonde]

Neither myself or my husband have a circle of family and friends, as I said before.

Of course we both have family who we both see, but no family that we “socialise” with like cousins and neither of us has nieces or nephews.

neither of us has friends either really. Acquaintances yes, but not friends as such.

ive always been one of those people that people tend to like, but don’t like enough to be friends, but I guess that’s because I’m not a warm person. I don’t want to be close to loads of people.

as I’ve said before, I’m putting myself in a retirement home when I get old and alone. Problem solved.

i think, as is probably the motto of this thread, you have to do what works for you. no choice is invalid and you should only ever do what makes you (and your partner) happy and comfortable

a lot of my feelings on it come from a general fear of old age which probably belongs on a different thread completely

 

[LaBlonde]

I’ve started to talk realllly loudly to my husband if there’s kids doing the same or shrieking near me in supermarkets etc. I make sure I’m just a bit louder than them, enough to drown them out as I am easily overwhelmed and overstimulated with screeching noise and I can hardly cope going out anywhere because of it honestly. And I tell you what the Mums reallllllly don’t like it when the shoe is on the other foot .

WOW DARLING LOOK AT THE PRICE OF THIS CHICKEN IT LOOKS GREAT!! Super loud and enthusiastic. I use it as a coping mechanism

i love this

and if a mum gives you a polite please keep it down look. just say OH I KNOW HE’S LOVELY ISN’T HE! JUST MAKING FRIENDS as that’s what seems to happen in my experience

 

[rosemarina]

This made me laugh, yesterday I got one of those scam texts that start off Hi Mum I’ve broke my phone.
They clearly don’t know their target victim very well!

I got one of those too, and I absolutely let rip before blocking them. AS IF.

 

[Chandler Bing]

I’m like this when I’m on holiday! I’m in Florida at the moment with my husband and we are literally eating whatever we want and spending whatever we want (within reason). We are always so sensible at home, but here we can just enjoy ourselves and do whatever we like. I feel like if I had kids I’d have to watch the money way more when on holidays!

Enjoy @Rippedjeanmaybe, you certainly have deserved it

 

[Caffeine Fiend]

Or is it that they just lack in some emotional area which makes them want what they think is unconditional love from children to somehow fix that?!

This part is why we have so many messed up adults imo.

People who shouldnt be having children, who are really messed up from their own childhoods, who havent healed or taken steps to heal and then projecting all of that onto their own kids.

No adult is entitled to unconditional love and children (even adult children) should feel emotionally pulled into loving a parent no matter how they behave or treat you. Its not how it works.

But yes Id agree with you, I do think many people do have children for that reason without fully thinking it through and realising the full impact of having a child.

For full transparency I am a parent and it is the hardest thing in the world trying to parent a child well whilst also healing and dealing with your own childhood trauma.

I also agree with your point, parenting slightly older children for me is rewarding and enjoyable. Being able to share life experiences with them makes those experiences better for me. I enjoy them more with my children. Parenting babies/young kids is not. It just isnt and I found it a slogggg. Hopefully as your partners child gets older it becomes easier for you!

Also definitely get a dog. Best thing ever