Childfree by choice #5

[mdizzl3]

Loads of people regret it. There are entire forums/sun forums dedicated to it, numerous articles, books, specific therapy etc. Not to mention all of the stuff I’ve just mentioned but for adults who grew up knowing they were regretted/not wanted. Then add in all the neglected and/abused children and children given up plus all the parents who walk out and never see their kids. How is that ‘never’ regretting it! It’s such an irresponsible thing to say, won’t someone think of the children!

Exactly - for anyone who says that, I can kindly point them in the direction of many Mumsnet/Quora/Reddit threads and Daily Mail articles about people that DO regret it.

 

[Pebbleybeach]

reading serena williams’ birth story just confirmed to me that doctors don’t listen to women.

one born every minute is like a horror movie to me, childbirth is both terrifying and undignified. i once (while tipsy) told a friend that if a situation ever horrifyingly arose where i was giving birth i would want to be in a room on my own because i wouldn’t want my partner or family seeing me like that. she said it was harsh and i apologised but i actually meant it

caesareans are a whole other level of terrifying too. i truly never realised how invasive they are until i watched the nest on bbc last year, when there’s a super graphic one. no thank you on all levels.

When I was little I asked my mum about babies/how they’re born etc and she explained it and apparently I asked her ‘why would anyone do that?’. So she never really expected grandchildren

 

[rosemarina]

Last time, my husband was asked to swap out of a seat next to me because the dad hadn't thought to pre-book his seats with his family together (on an airline where choosing seats for that section is available, well in advance). Not our problem.

I bet he (the dad) had thought, he just didn't want to pay. (That or he's one of those men who expects everything done for them.)

I went to the cinema once, I can't remember what it was I went to see but it wasn't a kids film. In the row in front of us was a group of kids aged between 5-10 years old and no adult. From what I could gather there was an adult with them but she was sitting on the other side of the cinema and kept getting up and going out for long periods. Anyway these kids had every type of snack you could think of, nachos, slushies, sweets, ice cream and they hardly touched any of it, there was more on the floor than had actually been eaten. They spent most of the film getting up, running around to change seats and going to the toilet then left about 20 mins before the end. The film wasn't really appealing or appropriate for such young kids so I've no idea why they were there and why the adult wasn't supervising them. I got the impression that they were moving between screens and had spent most of the day there!

Needless to say it ruined our trip to the cinema and probably that of the rest of the people in the theatre as well.

I'd have complained at the front desk. Next time!

 

[GirlOnTheTrain]

Are any of you only children? Do you guys think being an only child vs having siblings influenced your decision?

I think it’s the opposite for me, I have siblings that are all quite a bit older than me, so I was an aunty by the time I was 12 or 13. Even then I remember that thinking that having kids wasn’t for me. It also showed me first hand what an unrelenting slog having kids could be…and this was way before the sugar-coated, filtered world of social media we live in now. So I guess they did me a favour really!

 

[witchofwestbyfleet]

My grandmother is in her early 80s and said that she thought my cousin had been breastfeeding her almost 2-year-old daughter for too long. I said that these days all mothers are expected to breastfeed, and encouraged to continue as long as possible. She was quite shocked and said that in her day, a lot of people used formula or gave expressed milk from a bottle because they didn't like breastfeeding/didn't want to do it. Obviously in her day raising children was a lot harder and society was even harsher on women than it is now ... but I do think there are increased demands on mothers now to be perfect, must breastfeed, must do everything for the child etc. My sister and I were given formula as babies because our mother had had a very difficult birth of twins and was on medication, would she be considered a bad mother now?

I think another good example of this is, as people were discussing recently, the idea that school holidays and half term breaks have to be filled up with educational activities instead of just letting kids play

 

[mediocrehouseplant]

Does anyone else think that (most) newborn babies are hideous looking? They come out in white gunk, wrinkled and bright red

Not to mention the screaming and shitting, and the clipped belly button thing that falls off god that episode of Sex and the City was hilarious

 

[5678]

Regarding making child free friends, I met a few of mine at the gym! My mum friends don’t have time to go any activity like that really… maybe even local walking/ running clubs even if you’re not one for the gym! Most independently run fitness groups have Xmas nights out… great time to see who you vibe with!

 

[Zenchick101]

i think it depends on what you mean by reasoning though. In the same way that “discipline” also has different forms.

i also think it depends on age. An 8 year old who has been disciplined properly as a toddler is more than capable of being reasoned with in certain circumstances. My mum always said that if you do the ground work when they’re little and they are taught proper boundaries then you will do very little “discipline” as they get older because you are able to say “pack it in” or give them the look without any further issue.
Obviously an older kid kicking their parents needs discipline but if you’ve got to the stage where your kid is hitting you then you probably aren’t reasoning or disciplining either way.

I just mean that she's a very sweet woman, so the rare times where I did something really wrong - I was yelled at, but I was mostly told that when mommy tells me I can't do something it's for my own good, because she loves us, wants us to be protected. I was mostly always spoken to calmly - if I had emotional outburst when I was very small I was told mum is sad or disappointed because I hurt her feelings for x, y, z. - her parenting made me pretty well behaved. I rebelled and made life hard for my absent, authoritative, neglectful parent. - The more I grew up, the more I saw who was there for me even during the not so fun parts.

 

[Zenchick101]

this is what I would describe as “proper discipline”. It means actually teaching a child behaviour = consequence and it’s their responsibility to behave appropriately. Exactly how your mum did e.g “You can’t climb the wall because it is dangerous, you might fall off and get hurt. That would be upsetting for both of us. If you climb the wall again you won’t be allowed to play in the garden until I can trust you not to do that” and then follow through with that.

ETA: I really don’t pretend to know everything but it just seems obvious that treating a child like an actual human being who is capable of understanding will get you much better results.

agree, and it worked. In my little kid mind things were pretty smooth sailing because that kind of discipline was just out of love, not control or anything negative? hard to explain. Out of the two she's the one who never physically abused me as "discipline". No need for it.

 

[newtoyou]

He sees her twice a week, one of those is usually with her at our house and recently she’s started to sleep over every other weekend. Is it terrible that I struggle with this?!

Not terrible at all. I couldn’t cope with a child in my house that often and I totally feel you on looking forward to when they grow up. The moody teenage years when they want nothing to do with you sounds like the best stage of having a child

 

[LaBlonde]

Childfree by choice #6 sleeping well at night, petition for childfree flights

or

Childfree by choice #6 happily childfree, spending my money on me

or

Childfree by choice #6 living my childfree life while complaints from parents are rife

i love all of these but i think the third one gets my vote

 

[ElectricDreams]

nah fuck her she's being unreasonable sorry.
1. She never messaged you. Not when you text her on tuesday and not when you messaged to say you were ill. AND you helped out with grandad, no message to ask how he was I don't suspect?
2. Sorry to say this but if she can't cope without your parents for one week then she shouldn't have had the kids in the first place. All of this is a problem of her own making. ETA: and the fathers obviously but wasn't sure if that was implied

Yeah I think I got the brunt of her annoyance at having no parental help. Her MIL doesn't help out and she wouldn't ask her anyway.

I find this absolutely bizarre! I agree with above, if you can't manage having kids without your parents' help why on earth would you have them? Parents aren't going to be around forever and god forbid something happened to them anyway?

Well that's the thing, my mum is my dad's full time carer so he isn't able to do much and my mum stretches herself in all directions to help out with the kids, and look after him and my grandparents. She's very lucky that mum is able to help as much as she does.

 

[mdizzl3]

So I mainly make friends through work (I’ve had 6 jobs in 7 years!) or through classes/clubs. I made a really good friend through a Saturday college course I did. I’m lucky in that all my close school friends are childfree, as I guess similar people gravitate towards each other - I’m not really friends with many mumsy/“famalam” types that live in the same street as their mum (*cough* SIL *cough*), nearly all my friends live in London and are pretty independent. I guess I’m technically the most mumsy one because I live in the suburbs

 

[Chandler Bing]

I'm 37. All of my friends that are of similar age and have kids, the kids range from 1 to 15 years old! I have older childfree friends, but none my age.

 

[Blond3g1rl]

God, and people tell me I must be minted because I have a couple of horses! (Average cost over a year about £200 a month!)

About £200 I wish I spend probably triple just for my one. He is on part livery though so if I was to move to DIY it could be done cheaper but I like my bed too much

 

[ElectricDreams]

Did you speak about HD on a previous thread? I remember someone saying. It does make you think about wider reasons for not having children.

Yes I have mentioned it before on here and other threads. The scary thing was we weren't aware of HD in the family until I was well into my 30s and I could very easily have had children by that point. I already didn't want kids but this has just confirmed my decision!

 

[Tangent Tiger]

I had horrible siblings and that definitely fluenced me with not having children. There are so many different influences about your decision to not have children however you can't say it's one thing, down to that.

 

[Pebbleybeach]

Shout out to all the single women by choice

As a bisexual woman, I don't know how heterosexual women deal with men. The bar is so looooow.

As a heterosexual woman - same! I always see stuff online and say it’s evidence sexuality is not a choice to my husband and now he’s started sending me stuff he sees saying the same

 

[shadowcat5]

We should arrange a child free meet up! I’m 25 and all my friends are starting to settle and have kids and I’m like guyyy can we not go the pub? Im near Manchester in the uk

Oh yes! 26 and I’m near liverpool!

 

[witchofwestbyfleet]

I can’t stand people that think their pushchair should take up space on a bus or train rather than someone’s wheelchair. They need that wheelchair whereas you can hold your child temporarily and fold the pushchair

What is said odour? I'm guessing it isn't pleasant...also "can go blind"!! Fml

I saw one woman describe it as being like a “rotting onion” - I don’t want a baby to “find” me. If I ever by some circumstance had one I would let my milk dry, no feeding off me