Childfree by choice #5

[Your Da Sells Avon]

I sometimes nosey on Mumsnet and there is yet another post trending asking about why do women decide to be childless (obviously posted by someone with children who always wanted them). Why cannot people just accept there are plenty of women who don’t want children and are resolute in that regard?! I don’t go round asking friends & family with children why on earth did they decide to. Infuriates me.

 

[Jane Porcupine]

I sometimes nosey on Mumsnet and there is yet another post trending asking about why do women decide to be childless (obviously posted by someone with children who always wanted them). Why cannot people just accept there are plenty of women who don’t want children and are resolute in that regard?! I don’t go round asking friends & family with children why on earth did they decide to. Infuriates me.

I was reading that. She keeps disagreeing with people's reasons, it's hilarious. E.g. someone said children are noisy and she replied that they are not that noisy and it's only when they are young etc. Why ask for opinions 'just out of interest' if you're then going to argue with them?

 

[travelbug20]

Ahh I'm so happy to have found this thread. Myself and my partner are late twenties and are resolute in not wanting children. Neither of us have ever wanted them. In fact, I used to think I had something wrong with me because I never pictured a wedding or kids like all my peers etc. The thing we find tough is the fact that as we're still young, people love to tell us we will change our minds. We're both only children which I know makes it tough on our parents that they won't get grandchildren, but that is certainly not a reason for us to have them. People act like we are "so young" to know what we want, we aren't teenagers, we're grown adults who both run successful businesses and have been together for 10 years and don't want or see children ever fitting into our lives.

I would however love some tips on how anyone coped when the point started where everyone around you started having kids. I have a couple of friends with babies now and can sense amongst my friends that they're all getting ready to pop one out. I know it won't make me want one, more I will likely mourn the friendship I had with them now there's a baby to throw into the mix. And of course, I'm sure the "oh but wouldn't you like just one" comments will be thrown around this Christmas too.

We're also not fussed on getting married either, we own a house together and I see that as bigger commitment than a ring but of course, as we've been together so long every time we go on holiday or I dare to get my nails done I'm asked "oooh do you think he will propose".

 

[mcfeez]

I think to choose a child free life and live it successfully really does require interests to occupy your time, particularly as you get older. They don’t have to be wild and exciting interests, but as your more and more of your circle of friends have families of their own you need something in place beyond coming home and chilling on the sofa with the same person every night which feels very different in your late 40s than it does in your late 20s.

Eeek what a cursed comment.

I know parents who spent years doing nothing but 'raise children' - those kids have flown the nest and after they did their realised their marriages were unhappy, they had no shared interests or hobbies with their partners and basically no existence outside their kids. But sure, it's childfree who need to worry about keeping up with their hobbies...

It's funny how we're told being child free is our 'whole personalities' yet parents cannot go a short conversation without bringing up their kids. If I mentioned how awesome being childfree was half as much I'd expect people would get irritated AF.

 

[newtoyou]

I would however love some tips on how anyone coped when the point started where everyone around you started having kids.

Ask them with the same concern on their face as they use when trying to convince you, “why did you decide to have kids, didn’t you want to have freedom and not worry about finances?” And when they give you an answer say “well you never know, you might change your mind, you can ask them to leave when they’re 18 ”

 

[Lola Ruby]

someone commmented on the single by choice thread that they were in a relationship but miserable. I have sympathy but you're not single by choice.

I assume you’re talking about me - you could have just tagged me in your post. Actually I think my post was quite different as I spoke on a number of things relating to being single, relationships in general. Nowhere in my post am I preaching to people about what they should do with their lives. But I’ll refrain from commenting on any thread here that doesn’t 1000% apply to me from now on - by this logic others should do the same. Thanks love

 

[judgejohndeed]

I assume you’re talking about me - you could have just tagged me in your post. Actually I think my post was quite different as I spoke on a number of things relating to being single, relationships in general. Nowhere in my post am I preaching to people about what they should do with their lives. But I’ll refrain from commenting on any thread here that doesn’t 1000% apply to me from now on - by this logic others should do the same. Thanks love

To be fair if its a thread for being single by choice and you're unhappily in a relationship the thread applies to you 0%

Same with parents in this thread. Not one for you besties!

 

[aidil]

I’m starting to get really pissed off with my friends who are mums. A handful of them have all had babies this year (luckily all from different friend groups!) and it’s really grating on me how they clearly view my time as disposable because I’m child-free. All of them are constantly demanding I drive to their houses to see them, asking me to visit at ridiculous times around their babies’ routines and refusing to take their babies out of the house. So I’m expected to bend over backwards for them as if I’ve not been working my arse off all week while they’ve been at home? The entitlement is making me SO angry.

 

[ElectricDreams]

I’m starting to get really pissed off with my friends who are mums. A handful of them have all had babies this year (luckily all from different friend groups!) and it’s really grating on me how they clearly view my time as disposable because I’m child-free. All of them are constantly demanding I drive to their houses to see them, asking me to visit at ridiculous times around their babies’ routines and refusing to take their babies out of the house. So I’m expected to bend over backwards for them as if I’ve not been working my arse off all week while they’ve been at home? The entitlement is making me SO angry.

Unfortunately this doesn't end after the baby stage... I have a friend whose kids are now 9 and 7 and I'm expected to drive to their house to see her. We never meet up outside her house and never without the kids being there (though once we managed it when they were at school but I had to leave by a certain time so she could pick them up) I haven't seen her since February as mum life is so hectic single friends are hard to fit in... Parent friends not so much

 

[HeyBabes]

I think to choose a child free life and live it successfully really does require interests to occupy your time, particularly as you get older. They don’t have to be wild and exciting interests, but as your more and more of your circle of friends have families of their own you need something in place beyond coming home and chilling on the sofa with the same person every night which feels very different in your late 40s than it does in your late 20s.

what exactly is a successful life? Everyone has their own goals, enjoyments, plans for their life. Maybe some folk want to sit on the sofa with the love of their life every night, some may want to be single and share said sofa with a pet. Just because your life is child free and quiet, doesn’t mean it’s not successful

 

[Blond3g1rl]

There has been a spate of childfree posts on mumsnet recently. One I’ve just read the OP doesn’t expect her children to look after her but does expect them to sort out her care, pay her bills etc

 

[Pebbleybeach]

There has been a spate of childfree posts on mumsnet recently. One I’ve just read the OP doesn’t expect her children to look after her but does expect them to sort out her care, pay her bills etc

They seem to assume if you don’t have children you live under a rock. Asking who will arrange your affairs/inherit your money etc. Friends, family and godchildren all exist and like parents hope their children will visit them in a care home and help arrange things many childfree/less people will hope the same of those people.

 

[JoeBloggs]

I have so many hobbies and things I want to do I do not have time for kids, I barely have times for a husband but I do have one of those

 

[aidil]

Unfortunately this doesn't end after the baby stage... I have a friend whose kids are now 9 and 7 and I'm expected to drive to their house to see her. We never meet up outside her house and never without the kids being there (though once we managed it when they were at school but I had to leave by a certain time so she could pick them up) I haven't seen her since February as mum life is so hectic single friends are hard to fit in... Parent friends not so much

It's infuriating isn't it? One of them hasn't asked how I am the last five times I've gone to visit her. If someone asked her what was going on in my life this year, she wouldn't have a clue as she just uses me as a sounding board for all her child-related rants. I wouldn't bore her with all the details of my day-to-day life as I know it wouldn't be of interest to her. So why does she think I care about her kid's nap routine?!

It's so frustrating how we're expected to make allowances for their children, but we're supposed to drop everything as we couldn't possibly have anything better to do with our time!

 

[ElectricDreams]

It's infuriating isn't it? One of them hasn't asked how I am the last five times I've gone to visit her. If someone asked her what was going on in my life this year, she wouldn't have a clue as she just uses me as a sounding board for all her child-related rants. I wouldn't bore her with all the details of my day-to-day life as I know it wouldn't be of interest to her. So why does she think I care about her kid's nap routine?!

It's so frustrating how we're expected to make allowances for their children, but we're supposed to drop everything as we couldn't possibly have anything better to do with our time!

Exactly this! My life has been so eventful this year... Changed job twice, moving house, health issues, new additions to the family, and she barely knows any of it because when we do meet up I get approximately 3.5 minutes to talk about me before I get talked at four the rest of the time about the kids, her job, workaholic husband, mother in law, new house that she's been getting built for the last 10 years but still hasn't got started, not to mention the ins and outs of her friends lives who I don't even know

 

[Mrs Fluff]

They seem to assume if you don’t have children you live under a rock. Asking who will arrange your affairs/inherit your money etc. Friends, family and godchildren all exist and like parents hope their children will visit them in a care home and help arrange things many childfree/less people will hope the same of those people.

As a child free by choice I will be going out of my way to spend any money I have (excepting funeral costs etc)

 

[GiftedNotFree]

Are there any Frasier fans? I always loved a line the cgaraKate Costas had when discussing the concept of having children / Frasier confirming he’d like more children.

She said something like: “I like kids. I don’t see myself mothering one, though”.

And that has always stuck with me. It’s pretty much exactly how I feel. I don’t mind {most} children but I could never rear any myself.

 

[Gem_woody]

As a child free by choice I will be going out of my way to spend any money I have (excepting funeral costs etc)

Same! I want to enjoy my money and not slave away all my life to pay off my mortgage so my boyfriends nieces can inherit it all . Maybe I'll release equity from the house when I'm a pensioner and go on a load of cruises

 

[GirlOnTheTrain]

what exactly is a successful life? Everyone has their own goals, enjoyments, plans for their life. Maybe some folk want to sit on the sofa with the love of their life every night, some may want to be single and share said sofa with a pet. Just because your life is child free and quiet, doesn’t mean it’s not successful

Totally agree, surely living life on your own terms and doing what makes you happy, whatever that may be, can be defined as ‘successful’. Of course bearing in mind not everyone IS so lucky to be able to do whatever they want.
Its just the same thing that comes round time and again, because having kids is the ‘norm’, if you don’t you get questioned/second guessed/what if you regret it/what if you change your mind etc etc…

 

[Anne1448]

Same! I want to enjoy my money and not slave away all my life to pay off my mortgage so my boyfriends nieces can inherit it all . Maybe I'll release equity from the house when I'm a pensioner and go on a load of cruises

Oh my God saaame!

Catch me wearing designer clothes at 80 years old while buying wine at my local Tesco