Childfree by choice #5

[ElectricDreams]

I know this probably isn't the place but I'm dying to tell someone! Me and my partner have just had our offer accepted on our first house! Soooooo looking forward to our childfree weekends having a long lie in and lazy days!

Currently living 90 miles apart so having to meet up every few weeks in hotels or at my house (I live with parents so no privacy) in keeping with the topic though his mum has this expectation that he will look after her so I'm expecting it won't be all plain sailing!

 

[penny1992]

I know what you mean, I've always thought I would like to get to 65 then conk out, so to speak. It's not the sort of thing you can say to people though as they're like whaaaaat!!

I currently have an elderly parent on my hands and it's a complete and utter nightmare as they're clingy, manipulative, screechy and abusive. It keeps interfering with me getting on with my own life.

I was watching the news last night and it was about long term care for the elderly. Thankfully it was a positive story. But it was so depressing, these people couldn't even feed themselves or talk.
We have assisted medical death in Canada (even for mental health issues which is a touchy subject) and I would rather do that before I ended up unable to do anything... I wonder will more people start putting it in their will.

 

[witchofwestbyfleet]

Because there is currently a huge amount of money and research being invested into things like Alzheimer's and age-related disease, I think in the not too distant future we will live longer and healthier lives. Still no desire for a biological child though

Although similarly, without getting into murky subjects about who should be "allowed" to have children, I think there are a lot of attitudes that having a baby is right for everyone including people that have serious mental illnesses or other conditions the child will have to deal with down the line. I used to work with someone who had bipolar disorder and at the time I left the company was pregnant, she seemed to genuinely believe having the baby would somehow cure - or at least improve - her symptoms because "pregnancy re-wires your brain so you can take care of the baby!" Similarly I once saw someone ranting on another site about a friend who was anorexic and had been prescribed high-calorie supplements during her pregnancy, but was refusing to take them and throwing them away. Well as sad as that is, being pregnant will not magically change her, just telling her to "do it for the baby" won't help

 

[judgejohndeed]

Although similarly, without getting into murky subjects about who should be "allowed" to have children, I think there are a lot of attitudes that having a baby is right for everyone including people that have serious mental illnesses or other conditions the child will have to deal with down the line.

I used to practise child law and I have a lotttt of opinions on this (agreeing with you) I'm generally not a huge fan of unnecessary state intervention in our private lives but having seen the way some children are treated completely changed my mind on e.g. there being some kind of regulation about who has kids, what kind of monitoring parents have etc (these are not developed thoughts btw so I have no details as to how that would all work) it's incredibly sad that some women have baby after baby after baby and they're all removed. Equally, middle class parents fly under social services' radar and inflict some awful things on their kids that would be considered neglect/harm if their parents weren't so well-presenting that nobody notices.

 

[pinkmug]

An example of how kids can be utter brats...

My Mil started volunteering at her grandkid's school over lunches. The kids are 9 and 10. Well, when she was monitoring, she'd say hi to the grandkids and they would ignore her. Then one day the 9 year old wasn't being nice to another child so Mil corrected her. The grandchild snapped back and told her to go away. Mil said she went home and cried.

My husband said to her that volunteering at the kid's school makes for awkward dynamics although it was the kid's mother that suggested it.
Kids are weird and for them it's probably embarrassing to have granny at school but their behaviour is atrocious.

Mind you, the kid's mum has a strained relationship with Mil and talks tit about her in front of the kids so it wouldn't surprise me if her opinion influences them. Sil will use Mil for daycare but otherwise doesn't care much for her. A fine example of how people shouldn't rely on having kids to care for them.

Kids can be horrors indeed. Years ago, I stayed with a host family during a course; they had two kids, one was a teenager and apart from being a bit cheeky, he kept to himself but the young girl was shocking. They lived with their granny and anytime the girl was slightly criticised, it was hell to witness. One time the poor lady told her not to be rude because she was being unruly at the dinner table, the girl snapped at her, telling not to 'be bloody old'. She was at least 8, not so young that you can excuse some things. My Japanese flatmate and I just sat in silence, in visible shock. And girl's mother was just sitting there enjoying her boiled potatoes! If you don't teach your children what's acceptable and what's not, who will?

 

[Gem_woody]

I was watching the news last night and it was about long term care for the elderly. Thankfully it was a positive story. But it was so depressing, these people couldn't even feed themselves or talk.
We have assisted medical death in Canada (even for mental health issues which is a touchy subject) and I would rather do that before I ended up unable to do anything... I wonder will more people start putting it in their will.

Omg I wish we had that here in the UK. It would be nice to feel in control of my own life/death. I really don't want to be old and people think im mad for saying that.

 

[LaBlonde]

Omg I wish we had that here in the UK. It would be nice to feel in control of my own life/death. I really don't want to be old and people think im mad for saying that.

absolutely same! probably a little morbid but i have no real desire to go past my mid-60s really, actual old age absolutely horrifies me and i truly do not want to be old. it’s always been a deep fear of mine.

i absolutely wish we were given more control over life and death in this country. everyone deserves the right to pass with dignity and i don’t get the mindset here that you must carry on right until the end, regardless of your state at the time. i don’t on any level think you’re mad for saying so.

 

[CatCafe234]

I’m very much in favour of voluntary euthanasia. It’s a complicated area and I’m well aware of the controversies about it, but I think that as human beings we should have agency over our lives and that includes choosing to die when and how we want. I think it‘s unbelievably cruel to force people to live without dignity or, as currently happens, to force people into ending their lives possibly sooner than they’d want to because they need to be well enough to travel abroad. I really hope that we have a sensible debate about it and it becomes an option in my lifetime.

For me personally, one of the reasons I chose not to have children is that there are so many things that I don’t want to pass on. I’m not making any judgement on what other people choose to do but for me, I think sometimes family trees need pruning and I’m content that my particular branch ends with me. Both my parents have addiction issues, depression runs through my family like Blackpool does through a stick of rock, every generation has heart issues and my OH’s side have a hereditary disease. That’s no kind of inheritance for anyone.

 

[newtoyou]

I’m just imagining a child-ed person coming on this thread and saying “you really need to find something to occupy your old age so you don’t have to be voluntarily euthanised”

 

[HoGi]

Omg I wish we had that here in the UK. It would be nice to feel in control of my own life/death. I really don't want to be old and people think im mad for saying that.

I watched my dad deteriorate with dementia until his death. If I ever got told I had dementia I would get myself to dignitas before they said I was too far gone to make that decision. I wish there was an option here for the same.

I would never ever want to go through what my dad (and us as family) went though.

If you kept an animal in the condition he was in you would be arrested. Instead we paid £1200 a week to keep him in a nursing home

 

[ElectricDreams]

absolutely same! probably a little morbid but i have no real desire to go past my mid-60s really, actual old age absolutely horrifies me and i truly do not want to be old. it’s always been a deep fear of mine.

i absolutely wish we were given more control over life and death in this country. everyone deserves the right to pass with dignity and i don’t get the mindset here that you must carry on right until the end, regardless of your state at the time. i don’t on any level think you’re mad for saying so.

I don't particularly fear being old, my grandparents are 87 and still very independent and active and my other nana lived to 92 and was in good health until her last year. But I can understand that many people aren't so lucky and old age can feel like a burden.

Voluntary euthanasia is a tricky one for me. My dad has Huntingtons disease and I'm very much aware that I am at risk too. My dad was the first person in my family that I had ever known with it so I don't really have a good insight into how bad it will be as he progresses. But I know there is a high incidence of suicide among people at risk of HD who have seen and cared for family members and want to avoid going through it themselves. I personally don't think it's something I would consider but I do fully get why someone in a situation like this would. To lose control of your body but not your mind must be awful so I can see why some people with conditions like this would want to go peacefully and with dignity before the disease progresses too much.

 

[JoeBloggs]

I watched my dad deteriorate with dementia until his death. If I ever got told I had dementia I would get myself to dignitas before they said I was too far gone to make that decision. I wish there was an option here for the same.

I would never ever want to go through what my dad (and us as family) went though.

If you kept an animal in the condition he was in you would be arrested. Instead we paid £1200 a week to keep him in a nursing home

I watched two of my grandparents go through the same in their 90s. Both asking to die. Luckily it was relatively short lived for both but awful for us as a family and for them.

 

[Tangent Tiger]

I don't particularly fear being old, my grandparents are 87 and still very independent and active and my other nana lived to 92 and was in good health until her last year. But I can understand that many people aren't so lucky and old age can feel like a burden.

Voluntary euthanasia is a tricky one for me. My dad has Huntingtons disease and I'm very much aware that I am at risk too. My dad was the first person in my family that I had ever known with it so I don't really have a good insight into how bad it will be as he progresses. But I know there is a high incidence of suicide among people at risk of HD who have seen and cared for family members and want to avoid going through it themselves. I personally don't think it's something I would consider but I do fully get why someone in a situation like this would. To lose control of your body but not your mind must be awful so I can see why some people with conditions like this would want to go peacefully and with dignity before the disease progresses too much.

Did you speak about HD on a previous thread? I remember someone saying. It does make you think about wider reasons for not having children.

 

[judgejohndeed]

I definitely think people should have the choice of voluntary euthanasia. Personally I think we all live far too long these days, I don't want to be in a care home for years and years and I really don't want to live with a horrible condition for years either. If that happened to me and I had still control of my faculties I would for sure consider Dignitas. Yet another reason not to have kids tbh, I bet the guilt of 'going too soon' is really hard when you have them

 

[rosemarina]

I definitely think people should have the choice of voluntary euthanasia. Personally I think we all live far too long these days, I don't want to be in a care home for years and years and I really don't want to live with a horrible condition for years either. If that happened to me and I had still control of my faculties I would for sure consider Dignitas. Yet another reason not to have kids tbh, I bet the guilt of 'going too soon' is really hard when you have them

I really agree with this (and with the rest of you who have said similar things). My biggest fear is that I will be old, afraid and totally broke for years and years. (And that assumes good health .)

 

[ElectricDreams]

Did you speak about HD on a previous thread? I remember someone saying. It does make you think about wider reasons for not having children.

Yes I have mentioned it before on here and other threads. The scary thing was we weren't aware of HD in the family until I was well into my 30s and I could very easily have had children by that point. I already didn't want kids but this has just confirmed my decision!

 

[Anne1448]

I love the conversation about dying in dignity.

My family has a severe history of dementia, alzeimer, cancer and heart disease. My brothers and I all inherited genes that make life so difficult at times. Don't get me started on my depression and suicide attempts.

The second I face dementia or any life threatening disease, I'm out. Direct flight to Switzerland to die in peace.

 

[pinkmug]

Tw: suicide mention.

This is a tricky subject for me. On one hand, I find the thought of dying from old age, with loved one(s) nearby comforting, and growing old isn't a nightmare for everyone. The finality of death is still scary to me, even when my depression was at its worst, I didn't really want to die, I just wanted out, to be not-me. So, arranging a way to "go" sounds like it would be my last resort, provided that I could afford it of course. On the other hand, I find the dependency, the frailty and increasing needs that come with old age quite frightening. This is why I kind of get people who have children to be not alone when they are old. Obviously it's not guaranteed and they could turn out to be completely indifferent, but the thought of having someone out there who will keep an eye out could easily be comforting. Care homes can be hit or miss and I sometimes wonder whether people actually would care about me if they had no family members to answer to.

Bit morbid for a Wednesday night but hey.

 

[Pebbleybeach]

Tw: suicide mention.

This is a tricky subject for me. On one hand, I find the thought of dying from old age, with loved one(s) nearby comforting, and growing old isn't a nightmare for everyone. The finality of death is still scary to me, even when my depression was at its worst, I didn't really want to die, I just wanted out, to be not-me. So, arranging a way to "go" sounds like it would be my last resort, provided that I could afford it of course. On the other hand, I find the dependency, the frailty and increasing needs that come with old age quite frightening. This is why I kind of get people who have children to be not alone when they are old. Obviously it's not guaranteed and they could turn out to be completely indifferent, but the thought of having someone out there who will keep an eye out could easily be comforting. Care homes can be hit or miss and I sometimes wonder whether people actually would care about me if they had no family members to answer to.

Bit morbid for a Wednesday night but hey.

I think it’s worse to be in a care home lonely/poorly cared for knowing you have kids out there than the same situation knowing it’s your own choice.

I read an article once about a woman who send letters to all of her neighbours asking for spare books/games/films or people to visit for a chat because she was so lonely. She had lots of children and one lived next door to her. How sad is that!

 

[JE172]

I would love for this American lady to be on this thread!