Childfree by choice #5

[LaBlonde]

The thought of 'needing to have a fantastic, fabulous, adventurous life to make up for not having children' makes me uncomfortable. I don't know what surprises life will serve me, none of us do. I may end up having many different experiences that are unavailable to parents, I may just have a small, simple life that only contains me, a few friends and maybe a holiday or two a year. At my old age, I may or may not look at my youth, thinking about the wild times. I may be only known to the mailman or the cashier at the shop at that point, or famous, or just a regular person who has some good relationships and mostly casual ones. Not having children shouldn't come with a binding contract of needing to lead a crazy life to make the most of our child-free lives and (apparently endless!) disposable incomes. If you are child-free and leading a "boring" life, your decision is still valid. It's not really about choosing one or the other.

i feel this, sometimes the childfree communities on insta and stuff annoy me with the “not having children means i have time to travel, paint watercolours, become an expert in sculpture, start a biker gang etc” rhetoric. it’s fine to just want to live a chilled and peaceful life of your own choosing.

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

I think to choose a child free life and live it successfully really does require interests to occupy your time, particularly as you get older. They don’t have to be wild and exciting interests, but as your more and more of your circle of friends have families of their own you need something in place beyond coming home and chilling on the sofa with the same person every night which feels very different in your late 40s than it does in your late 20s.

I disagree to be honest, the only thing that will change for me between being late 20’s & 40’s is that I’ll be older and more tired that I am now.

I already don’t have a circle of friends or family, it’s wrong to assume everyone does. Just because I’m in my 20’s, it doesn’t mean I have a circle of friends and family.

just because my interests include watching documentaries and dramas about serial killers, that doesn’t mean I don’t have interests.

when I come home after a 9 hour day, alls I want to do is cook tea (cooking is another of my interests btw) and then chill watching tv. I can’t see that changing when I’m still working the same hours in my 40’s…

my time is very much occupied between 45 hour weeks, cleaning and keeping my own house, spending time with my husband and managing my life.

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

I’d pay good money for a child free country. Honestly kids ruin everything. I can’t ever have a nice day out without some kid ruining it.

 

[malibu skies]

Similar thing happened to me the other week - I was messaging with a friend saying I was having a bad day and she said “don’t worry, I know what will cheer you up” and sent me a video of her kid! I was like wtf, this is not what I wanted

 

[Sheeeet]

On the pet theme, I love cats but don't have one at the moment. This would absolutely be me

 

[mcfeez]

All love is different. I love my husband and I love my pets but those loves are not the same. Some people don't have siblings or cousins, they won't know that type of love. Some people truly love their careers and some don't. There is always love people don't experience. Loving a child as a parent is just another kind of love - it doesn't need to be put on some pedestal and tbh, sometimes it comes across as parents needing to validate their decision to have children to by citing it as 'better' somehow.

 

[shadowcat5]

This is probably more suited for the rant thread but I feel like here I will be understood a lot more so sorry

You know what really fucks me off? The fact that any kind of activities besides the gym are all geared towards kids or the elderly.

I am looking for self defence/karate classes in my area. They're all "family training for ages 5+" or kids classes. I don't think it's all that unreasonable to not want to go to a karate class with 5 year olds?

I looked up dance classes, all for kids, okay fine except the adult classes I have found take place at 9:30am. I am not 70? I have a job? Can you not run one single class for adults that's in the evening??

 

[shadowcat5]

Saw this on reddit and thought of this thread

 

[TaylorMomsen]

On the kids being someones entire personality train
I'm on a course right now and we all had to show something meaningful to us, all lighthearted. Literally everyone shown pics of their kids. I shown my ft tuesdays cup from vegas and said it combined three of my fave things - sun, day drinking and gambling!

Can't cope with parents who's entire personality is their kid.

 

[shadowcat5]

if I need to ‘powder a little booty’ to feel love, then I’m alright thanks. I will happily remain joyless and cold til I die 🥱

i hate the “you don’t know love until you’ve had a child” one cause it’s condescending but also like how miserable is that. You don’t think love exists in different forms?

edting for spelling

 

[Yorkshirepud85]

Fan, 33, flies to Qatar at the last minute WITHOUT telling girlfriend

Father-of-two David 'Dai' Jones, 33, could not resist travelling to the hotly-anticipated game after seeing his best friends partying at the tournament from their base in Dubai.

www.dailymail.co.uk

This article only reiterates why I think motherhood is a mugs game.

This bloke switches off his phone and jumps on a plane without telling his gf, leaving his two kids and risking the sack. She had to be told by his father he would he back in two days.

So many comments of 'good lad' 'you only live once' saying the gf is a miserable cow for getting upset.

If a woman did this she would be slammed as an unfit parent. It's just a prime example of how for many (not all) men that their lives bear no dissemblance to before they had responsibilites. She is probably somewhat dependent on him financially too so in all likeihood forced to suck it up and let him get away with it. I'd be mortified.

 

[Princesst]

I never know why people complain about child care costs it drives me nuts. Unpopular opinion so I have to always keep my mouth shut around my lost-to-the-mummy-cult friends but if you can’t afford each aspect of the 18 year financial commitment of having children maybe you just can’t have them?? I don’t get why everyone thinks it’s now a “right” that their children should taken care of by other people for free. People say things like “well my mum didn’t have to work in the 50s-70s” it’s so unfair now both parents need to. But that’s a long time ago now, times change that’s not real life anymore… It’s different if you fall on hard times unexpectedly but knowingly having kids and not being able to afford them is horrendous. For example I’d really really really like a swimming pool. No one wants anything more than I want a swimming pool. I’ve always wanted one. I feel like it’s my purpose in life to be a swimming pool owner. I’ve looked into it and the costs to have it and then maintenance & running fees, heating etc are huge. We can’t afford it. So I just don’t have a swimming pool. Even though id really love it and it’d enhance my life and I think about it all the time I don’t expect my swimming pool to be paid for by anyone else If we looked into it we couldn’t really afford children either in the same way so I don’t know why it’s not that simple?

 

[judgejohndeed]

Just off the alcohol support group to tell them about my nice glass of wine I’m going to have with my dinner. Seeing as no threads appear to be safe spaces.

Glad someone said it, honestly sick of all the 'I have kids but' posts. If you have kids then but nothing, you're not childfree!

Also your life is meant to change when you have a child...I really do not get why people have babies thinking they're just going to go on living their normal life. It's either naivety, or they're going to be neglectful parents.

oh not the “youre good with kids” line

People don’t seem to realise that being good with kids and being a good parent is not the same thing.

I'm always told I'm good with kids, but people don't realise it doesn't come naturally to me and I can only be bothered sustaining that level of effort for a short time. So if I actually had one 24/7, I'd probably be atrocious with it. Also, just because I can be good with kids doesn't mean I enjoy it!

 

[malibu skies]

I’m not sure this is the right place to say this but if I post it anywhere else, I’ll probably get a load of angry parents jumping down my throat.

Is it just me or are some parents/children overly clingy with each other?

I have friends who have children and have not been apart from them, other than when they’re at school, for their entire lives. One friend has a two year old and has literally never been separated from the child

Maybe this is more of a reflection on my own parents and is skewing my perception but from a young age I would go and spend the night with my grandparents, or I’d go to an aunties for the day while my mum was at work etc, but I was used to being around other people and my mum and dad would go for nights out now and again, knowing that I would settle with whoever was babysitting.

These friends then complain that they never have any time for themselves because the baby/child won’t settle with anyone else, or won’t go anywhere without the parent, and, with my amateur psychologist hat on, I feel it’s because they’ve never been away from their mother and so now they’re a bit older, they aren’t used to it and it makes life really hard for the parent.

Does anyone agree or am I just grumpy because I want an hour for coffee with a friend where there isn’t a small child hanging off them?

 

[Zenchick101]

I love this thread, you guys are making me happier and happier about being childfree. I'd like to add that while other women stress out about finding a man, any man to lock down and have kids with asap, I can just relax and enjoy my life and take a relaxed approach to dating. My money is my own, my time is my own. haaaa bliss

 

[judgejohndeed]

I was reading a thread here the other day about how much people are spending on their kids for Christmas and Betty Crockerr was telling someone they were spending too much it’s true though someone was saying £800 EACH on a 2 year old and 6 year old. More money than sense! If I had kids I would not be spending a grand on presents they’ll be bored of by next year, no child needs that much stuff.

Anyway I actually came to post this as I thought everyone would appreciate it…

 

[Sabbie]

My mother has been a judgy bitch all her life about people without kids even though two of her own kids don’t have any. She’s always remarked into retirement that the neighbors across the street chose not to have kids (she has no idea whether they chose to or not, but she assumes) and now they are lonely. My mum’s husband (my abusive dad) died last week, and where are her kids to support her? I live thousands of miles away in another country, and the other two live an hour away and are resentful about visiting her and supporting her. Meanwhile those poor lonely childless people across the street get regular visits from their nieces and nephews and friends. Don’t fucking assume your kids will be there for you, because it’s more than likely that they won’t.

 

[struggs123]

Put behind a spoiler as I have children but I love this thread.

Spoiler: i bloody hate it

This is something thats really taboo to say so just unloading as cant say it in real life but dont feel like id be judged here.

I love my child but i hate being a parent.

No theres no love like it but i dont think thats a bad thing, its love that comes with a price. I love my friends and my husband because theyre amazing people and we choose to spend time together. I do love my child but honestly I feel guilty that I don't love them enough, that I'm going to screw them up as I don't show love enough (they are cherished, looked after properly etc so not neglected but competitive parenting makes you feel not good enough), I have to love them basically and that's constantly exhausting.

I have money but no time or inclination to spend it on myself. If I go shopping with friends or for a night out they're always on my mind and usually have my husband asking inane and obvious questions; can never switch off to enjoy things anymore. Same with holidays.

Work is a fucking nightmare, trying to work around childcare and sickness, school holidays- a career I loved is now shit but I don't want to work in a job that fits round it better because I've worked hard for my job.

I have zero interest in other children and it's exhausting people always going on about them and asking about mine. Like do you really want to know or is it just as you no longer have anything interesting left to say?

If you dare say you regret it or dont enjoy it you get told its PND or that youre terrible.

Putting on a show of being happy and enjoying the mundane so said child doesnt notice and have lifelong issues because of it is tiring. I want to relax after work and at weekends but never fucking possible, and this is with a husband who pulls their weight and a good support network.

My friend is pregnant and unsure how she feels, as she's my best friend I've been brutally honest but others rambling on about how amazing it is just make me raise a brow. Sure some genuinely like it, many though struggle on.

Anyway, as you were, they werent planned and i was stupid and didnt follow my heart.

 

[Pebbleybeach]

Reading a very interesting thread where OP is saying basically she doesn’t want to move to care for her elderly mother. Neither do her other 2 children. Everyone is saying don’t do it/they wouldn’t do it/leave her to it/put her in a home.

So having three children isn’t enough to guarantee my care when I’m old and a thread running for hundreds of posts has basically no one who cares for their parents, knows anyone who cares for their parents or thinks anyone should care for their parents. But my not having children is a bewilderment to many because of not having care when I’m elderly…

 

[LaBlonde]

Yeah...this is a "childFREE by choice" post. Not a get pregnant and you'll feel differently. I won't. It will trigger BDD off me in if I did for one, two I can think of nothing worse than some alien spinning round inside me and then having to birth it...then keep it alive after. I'll keep to my actual child free for life life when I can skip off where and when I want haha

thank you for this. i thought i’d stumbled into the wrong thread for a second

“get pregnant and you’ll feel differently” is such a dangerous rhetoric in general.