Childfree by choice #5

[judgejohndeed]

Apologies for the rant but…

I wish parents would stop commenting on this thread. I could not care less about your experience of being a parent. I don’t go and comment on the (many) pregnancy/children related threads speaking about my experience of being child free because it’s not wanted.

This! I think it's so weird to see a thread called 'child free by choice' and think 'oh I have kids but that thread is for me'

 

[pinkmug]

Vent incoming.

A friend texted me yesterday. We used to be very close but after she had a baby during the pandemic, it was hard to keep in touch for multiple reasons and we've settled back into casual friends these days. She asked me how I am, I told her that I was pretty tired but dealing with it, and asked how she was doing. She said I couldn't comprehend how tired she was because she had covid again and she has a one year old on top of it, and there was a meltdown at home because she has to stay away from the baby during her quarantine... And she went on for 5-6 more texts like this until the conversation fizzled out again.

I really do understand needing to vent and wanting some sympathy, I'm not cross with her for telling me how she's doing, but this is all our conversations ever since she's had her baby. She asks how I'm doing out of courtesy, ignores my answer and then continues to only talk about how terrible she's doing and by the time she's done, I honestly have nothing helpful to say because I don't have kids and my advice is only surface deep, which is why I don't tend to offer much. I used to feel guilty about letting our friendship fizzle because I felt like I should have been more present for her, then I think about how any of our chats go and how little she's interested...

I think it's nobody's fault but the single/childfree/childless part shouldn't always take the blame for dead friendships. I always hear how parents complain about losing friends after having kids, but I never hear advice on how new parents can keep in touch with friends, instead of always expecting the other part to do the work. Mind you, I don't mind accommodating tight schedules of friends or meeting them halfway; we've gone months, sometimes years without having a single face-to-face chat with some of them and when we meet again, it's like no time has gone by. Perhaps if people have a strong enough bond, it'll survive the no-contact weeks or months and the other ones will die a slow death while we awkwardly try to patch things together.

I'm tired of blaming myself for the state of our friendship and at this point in life, I think I'll pass on relationships that feel like a chore and I don't want to feel like my time or feelings are less valuable because I am not a parent.

 

[Blond3g1rl]

I work with someone who has 3 kids under 10 and they make comments about how they can’t remember the last time they went on holiday etc. or how the last time they went overseas was before they had children.
That’s the sacrifice you made. If you can’t afford it, shut up.

Someone on a work teams chat posted they are looking forward to going away for the weekend with their husband for the first time since their daughter was born. Their daughter was born in 2003.

 

[CatCafe234]

I’m very much in favour of voluntary euthanasia. It’s a complicated area and I’m well aware of the controversies about it, but I think that as human beings we should have agency over our lives and that includes choosing to die when and how we want. I think it‘s unbelievably cruel to force people to live without dignity or, as currently happens, to force people into ending their lives possibly sooner than they’d want to because they need to be well enough to travel abroad. I really hope that we have a sensible debate about it and it becomes an option in my lifetime.

For me personally, one of the reasons I chose not to have children is that there are so many things that I don’t want to pass on. I’m not making any judgement on what other people choose to do but for me, I think sometimes family trees need pruning and I’m content that my particular branch ends with me. Both my parents have addiction issues, depression runs through my family like Blackpool does through a stick of rock, every generation has heart issues and my OH’s side have a hereditary disease. That’s no kind of inheritance for anyone.

 

[Aemee00]

I am SO glad I've found this thread!

Most people with kids lose their personality. They're incapable of any other thought process that doesn't involve their kids. Everything that isn't about their kids, they will find a way to make it about their kids. No one else gives a shit!

 

[littlewonder]

I am sick of having to listen to other people bang on about pregnancy and marriage! they expect me to be excited for them - but they’re never excited for me when I tell them about my achievements that aren’t related to kids or other normative milestones. They genuinely seem to think they’re better than me even though I know that they’re all absolutely miserable with their lives because all they do is complain!

 

[judgejohndeed]

Wow that was a wild read. Tbh, I feel like a lot of the politics around this is way the parents approach it. She might 'need' Christmas day off but the other colleague also 'needs' to take their annual leave and the OP had already booked 13 days off around Christmas so this poor other woman was only having Christmas day off anyway. If someone said to me 'here's the situation I'm in so I thought I'd ask you if you mind swapping' I'd probably do it, but when it gets into 'I need it off and you don't because you have no kids and your plans mean nothing' then you can take a long walk off a short cliff as far as I'm concerned.

 

[pinkmug]

I don't think it's gatekeeping, it's a thread with a clear topic: being child-free. As others have pointed out, we don't go on parent or pregnancy threads listing reasons why they should reconsider. It was interesting to hear the honest regret story but I also don't want this thread to become the regular place where unhappy parents come to unload and clear their conscience

I'm still not over the person who had the audacity to write she didn't want kids yet she was pregnant now and we'd never know love like that and she was going to be a cool mum Okay love.

 

[shadowcat5]

Vent incoming.

A friend texted me yesterday. We used to be very close but after she had a baby during the pandemic, it was hard to keep in touch for multiple reasons and we've settled back into casual friends these days. She asked me how I am, I told her that I was pretty tired but dealing with it, and asked how she was doing. She said I couldn't comprehend how tired she was because she had covid again and she has a one year old on top of it, and there was a meltdown at home because she has to stay away from the baby during her quarantine... And she went on for 5-6 more texts like this until the conversation fizzled out again.

I really do understand needing to vent and wanting some sympathy, I'm not cross with her for telling me how she's doing, but this is all our conversations ever since she's had her baby. She asks how I'm doing out of courtesy, ignores my answer and then continues to only talk about how terrible she's doing and by the time she's done, I honestly have nothing helpful to say because I don't have kids and my advice is only surface deep, which is why I don't tend to offer much. I used to feel guilty about letting our friendship fizzle because I felt like I should have been more present for her, then I think about how any of our chats go and how little she's interested...

I think it's nobody's fault but the single/childfree/childless part shouldn't always take the blame for dead friendships. I always hear how parents complain about losing friends after having kids, but I never hear advice on how new parents can keep in touch with friends, instead of always expecting the other part to do the work. Mind you, I don't mind accommodating tight schedules of friends or meeting them halfway; we've gone months, sometimes years without having a single face-to-face chat with some of them and when we meet again, it's like no time has gone by. Perhaps if people have a strong enough bond, it'll survive the no-contact weeks or months and the other ones will die a slow death while we awkwardly try to patch things together.

I'm tired of blaming myself for the state of our friendship and at this point in life, I think I'll pass on relationships that feel like a chore and I don't want to feel like my time or feelings are less valuable because I am not a parent.

Yes for real!! I feel like I see so many posts from people like 'nobody bothers with me now I have kids' and it's like well do you bother with them? Do you give anything to the friendship besides talking about your kid?

 

[Blond3g1rl]

Next we will be told we haven’t found the right man

 

[EyeLoveIcelands]

Rant. When you have something really nice, or go somewhere expensive, and unhappy parents say: “wait until you become a mother” or “wait until you have kids” - as if the only reason they’re a basic bitch is because they had kids.

I find it really offensive that childfree women’s accomplishments are only down to us not breeding. Nothing to do with our luck/blessings, ambition, intellect, skills, hard work.

Snide comments like this also completely ignore the fact that there are happy highflying mums who DO have it all. And I always reply with this citing women I work with to shut them up. Misery loves company, but not mine.

 

[HeyBabes]

I am sick of having to listen to other people bang on about pregnancy and marriage! they expect me to be excited for them - but they’re never excited for me when I tell them about my achievements that aren’t related to kids or other normative milestones. They genuinely seem to think they’re better than me even though I know that they’re all absolutely miserable with their lives because all they do is complain!

Yes! I’m expected to ‘like’ your photos of a baby, but you never ‘like’ my holiday pics or photos of my cat. One girl I was friends with said she deleted folk from her Facebook because they didn’t congratulate her on her pregnancy, how psychotic is that??

 

[Ingognito.Queen]

I find that once people become parents they lose who they used to be. I have a few friends who are now reduced to FB friends rather than people I meet up with because they have nothing other than their children to talk about. I couldn't tell you any of their interests other than being a parent. All they post about are their kids. They do nothing themselves. No hobbies, no nights out, no sharing anything that isn't child related.

This is my worst nightmare.

Having children is not a personality trait.

 

[mdizzl3]

I find labour absolutely disgusting too (and breastfeeding if I’m honest). Just the fact that women are treated like total idiots and told bollocks like “your body’s designed for this!” when in fact it really isn’t, so many women used to die in labour, and 1 in 3 first time mums need forceps or ventouse. My SIL got told all these bullshit lies by NCT, then had forceps. When I mentioned the actual stats my MIL was like “oh really?”. No-one even gets told! And if you ask for an elective c-section, you get called too posh to push.

I’m sorry but if a man went in for a knee op and got told “there’s a 1/3 chance it won’t go as planned and you’ll tear from your knee to ankle”, they wouldn’t accept it. Yet women are meant to shut up and be grateful too.

 

[HeyBabes]

I keep seeing about that child on the Ryanair flight that didn’t get the window seat he was meant to… since when does stuff like this need to be in the news? And people are calling the woman who wouldn’t move selfish? Why should she have to move for a child, what happened to respect your elders do people not teach kids to be disappointed anymore?

We now seem to live in a society where children are placed on pedestals and seen to be the most amazing thing ever, who deserve whatever they want. The seat had been double booked, the woman was sat there first, the kid had a seat so got on his holiday, and I’m sorry but I wouldn’t move my seat to accommodate some brat who wants a window seat (and can guarantee he’d have spent the whole flight playing on an iPad or phone and not even enjoying the views)
Children need to learn that the world is an unfair place, we don’t always gets what we want and parents need to learn to say ”no” to them

 

[Anne1448]

Daughter of a woman who was raped and had no right to abort here

My mother is well into her 60s but the effects of this forced pregnancy are still present.

She is extremely wary of men, when faced with violence her voice turns into the one of a child, she is terrified of men who raise their voices and she is extra kind when she feels threatened because she is scared of being beaten or worse...

 

[mdizzl3]

I just don’t get it - my manager at work said “you’ll never regret it” about having kids, yet in the 5 months I’ve been in the company has said NOT ONE positive thing about his kids. Just complaining they’re noisy, selfish, rude brats, “little shits”, can’t get no sleep, driving them to 3 different activities, holidays are “like work” etc. I’m like mate…..it sounds a bit like you regret it! You’re not really selling it to me!

 

[prozacprincess]

Went back to work today after a couple of weeks off and I have a new workshop trainee. I was ridiculously happy when someone asked her if she has kids (strangely this is never asked of the male crew ) and she replied no and she never bloody wants any either. I have found a friend

 

[Blond3g1rl]

That love post is also incredibly insensitive to mothers who have had miscarriages or still births

 

[Your Da Sells Avon]

Sorry if it’s already been mentioned but also with Christmas under a couple of months away, I’ve found at times that if you don’t have children some colleagues who do have them assume that they’ll be getting all of the Christmas leave they want and that you’ll be in to cover seeing as you don’t have a family - eh but I do! I’ve parents, siblings, nieces, nephews, grandparents who I want to see & spend time with.