Vent incoming.
A friend texted me yesterday. We used to be very close but after she had a baby during the pandemic, it was hard to keep in touch for multiple reasons and we've settled back into casual friends these days. She asked me how I am, I told her that I was pretty tired but dealing with it, and asked how she was doing. She said I couldn't comprehend how tired she was because she had covid again and she has a one year old on top of it, and there was a meltdown at home because she has to stay away from the baby during her quarantine... And she went on for 5-6 more texts like this until the conversation fizzled out again.
I really do understand needing to vent and wanting some sympathy, I'm not cross with her for telling me how she's doing, but this is all our conversations ever since she's had her baby. She asks how I'm doing out of courtesy, ignores my answer and then continues to only talk about how terrible she's doing and by the time she's done, I honestly have nothing helpful to say because I don't have kids and my advice is only surface deep, which is why I don't tend to offer much. I used to feel guilty about letting our friendship fizzle because I felt like I should have been more present for her, then I think about how any of our chats go and how little she's interested...
I think it's nobody's fault but the single/childfree/childless part shouldn't always take the blame for dead friendships. I always hear how parents complain about losing friends after having kids, but I never hear advice on how new parents can keep in touch with friends, instead of always expecting the other part to do the work. Mind you, I don't mind accommodating tight schedules of friends or meeting them halfway; we've gone months, sometimes years without having a single face-to-face chat with some of them and when we meet again, it's like no time has gone by. Perhaps if people have a strong enough bond, it'll survive the no-contact weeks or months and the other ones will die a slow death while we awkwardly try to patch things together.
I'm tired of blaming myself for the state of our friendship and at this point in life, I think I'll pass on relationships that feel like a chore and I don't want to feel like my time or feelings are less valuable because I am not a parent.
I’m 40 in a few months and have not wavered about having kids (love being an auntie but that’s where I draw the line!) The only thing I think that is sad is how some friendships have drifted apart after my friends have become mothers. Obviously expected some changes but after a while I realised I was the one always doing the running or trying to organise meet-ups etc and took the hint that they were more interested in socialising with other mums
