Childfree by choice #5

[JE172]

I love how Halloween is huge now.

Parents were so scared of children being assaulted, kidnapped or worse that they never allowed us to do it where I lived.

I was never allowed to trick or treat growing up in the 80’s, in my mothers words “it’s begging and my children will not roam the streets”!
Now we just turn the front lights and Ring doorbell off so our house tends to get bypassed thankfully, my husband is catholic and doesn’t believe in Halloween anyway as it’s pagan.

 

[Caffeine Fiend]

I love how Halloween is huge now.

Parents were so scared of children being assaulted, kidnapped or worse that they never allowed us to do it where I lived.

Same. Its my favourite time of year. hate Christmas mind but Halloween is brilliant

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

I just think my mum couldn’t be bothered to take me out trick or treating, that’s why we didn’t she took my older brothers out when they were little, but I think she was over it when I came along

i used to go with my friends though when I was like 12/13. Some people didn’t give us anything because we were “too old”

 

[Blond3g1rl]

I was never allowed to trick or treat growing up in the 80’s, in my mothers words “it’s begging and my children will not roam the streets”!
Now we just turn the front lights and Ring doorbell off so our house tends to get bypassed thankfully, my husband is catholic and doesn’t believe in Halloween anyway as it’s pagan.

Same but in the 90s.

 

[ElectricDreams]

So after another exhausting trip out with my nephew I'm relieved to be able to drop him back home!

Everything involves UN level negotiations. Doesn't want to wear shoes on the beach. Ok, how about wellies? No, I want my trainers. But trainers are hard to get back on with damp feet. Wants to wear no shoes. How about bare feet but wellies to get to the sand and back. OK. Sets foot on the sand, takes wellies off. Sand is too rocky.... How about putting your wellies on till we get to the wet sand? No I just want to stand on the tiny bit of non rocky sand near the wall

Explain its too cold to actually go in the sea and we have no spare clothes. Won't take no for an answer and creates until Nana caves and lets him walk up to the water line. How do we ever teach kids that no means no when there always seems to be an exception?

To be fair it was a nice day out and he wasn't as bad as usual but I'm mentally drained by the negotiations involved!

 

[pinkmug]

Vent incoming.

A friend texted me yesterday. We used to be very close but after she had a baby during the pandemic, it was hard to keep in touch for multiple reasons and we've settled back into casual friends these days. She asked me how I am, I told her that I was pretty tired but dealing with it, and asked how she was doing. She said I couldn't comprehend how tired she was because she had covid again and she has a one year old on top of it, and there was a meltdown at home because she has to stay away from the baby during her quarantine... And she went on for 5-6 more texts like this until the conversation fizzled out again.

I really do understand needing to vent and wanting some sympathy, I'm not cross with her for telling me how she's doing, but this is all our conversations ever since she's had her baby. She asks how I'm doing out of courtesy, ignores my answer and then continues to only talk about how terrible she's doing and by the time she's done, I honestly have nothing helpful to say because I don't have kids and my advice is only surface deep, which is why I don't tend to offer much. I used to feel guilty about letting our friendship fizzle because I felt like I should have been more present for her, then I think about how any of our chats go and how little she's interested...

I think it's nobody's fault but the single/childfree/childless part shouldn't always take the blame for dead friendships. I always hear how parents complain about losing friends after having kids, but I never hear advice on how new parents can keep in touch with friends, instead of always expecting the other part to do the work. Mind you, I don't mind accommodating tight schedules of friends or meeting them halfway; we've gone months, sometimes years without having a single face-to-face chat with some of them and when we meet again, it's like no time has gone by. Perhaps if people have a strong enough bond, it'll survive the no-contact weeks or months and the other ones will die a slow death while we awkwardly try to patch things together.

I'm tired of blaming myself for the state of our friendship and at this point in life, I think I'll pass on relationships that feel like a chore and I don't want to feel like my time or feelings are less valuable because I am not a parent.

 

[Pebbleybeach]

Vent incoming.

A friend texted me yesterday. We used to be very close but after she had a baby during the pandemic, it was hard to keep in touch for multiple reasons and we've settled back into casual friends these days. She asked me how I am, I told her that I was pretty tired but dealing with it, and asked how she was doing. She said I couldn't comprehend how tired she was because she had covid again and she has a one year old on top of it, and there was a meltdown at home because she has to stay away from the baby during her quarantine... And she went on for 5-6 more texts like this until the conversation fizzled out again.

I really do understand needing to vent and wanting some sympathy, I'm not cross with her for telling me how she's doing, but this is all our conversations ever since she's had her baby. She asks how I'm doing out of courtesy, ignores my answer and then continues to only talk about how terrible she's doing and by the time she's done, I honestly have nothing helpful to say because I don't have kids and my advice is only surface deep, which is why I don't tend to offer much. I used to feel guilty about letting our friendship fizzle because I felt like I should have been more present for her, then I think about how any of our chats go and how little she's interested...

I think it's nobody's fault but the single/childfree/childless part shouldn't always take the blame for dead friendships. I always hear how parents complain about losing friends after having kids, but I never hear advice on how new parents can keep in touch with friends, instead of always expecting the other part to do the work. Mind you, I don't mind accommodating tight schedules of friends or meeting them halfway; we've gone months, sometimes years without having a single face-to-face chat with some of them and when we meet again, it's like no time has gone by. Perhaps if people have a strong enough bond, it'll survive the no-contact weeks or months and the other ones will die a slow death while we awkwardly try to patch things together.

I'm tired of blaming myself for the state of our friendship and at this point in life, I think I'll pass on relationships that feel like a chore and I don't want to feel like my time or feelings are less valuable because I am not a parent.

I agree. I lost loads of my friends when they had children, not on my side because although I don’t want children I’m happy to hang out with children and do stuff like hold the baby while visiting so the mum can put washing on/have a quick shower/whatever to help out. Now their children are grown up I’m getting messages asking how I am and if I want to meet up and do stuff, I’ve just left them on read.

I’m still friends with lots of people who had children who didn’t duck the friendship up and childless/childfree people so I don’t need the friendships that clearly weren’t that strong but their social media and/or messages to me are all about how lonely they are. One posted a long thing on instagram the other day about how when the children are grown up friendships end because you don’t do the school run, clubs, reciprocated babysitting and lifts and stuff like that and how she’s so lonely now all her friends have drifted away and are working now the children are grown etc but when she had her children she told me she couldn’t be bothered to meet up with me because I didn’t have children and so couldn’t add anything to her life like playmates for her children or reciprocal babysitting etc which was a shame for her because I do actually babysit for friends and family although they can’t reciprocate

You get out of life what you put in and that include work, hobbies, family and friends and if they’re not willing to put in them they don’t get anything out

Also your friend should complain because she has covid and one kid. Someone out there has covid and two kids. And they also shouldn’t complain because someone has covid, three kids and a dog. Where does it end. Let’s find the poorest woman in the world with the most illnesses and Dias abilities and kids and pets and the worst house and the shortest upbringing and all that and we’ll all just listen to her complain and no one else gets to complain ever.

 

[shadowcat5]

Vent incoming.

A friend texted me yesterday. We used to be very close but after she had a baby during the pandemic, it was hard to keep in touch for multiple reasons and we've settled back into casual friends these days. She asked me how I am, I told her that I was pretty tired but dealing with it, and asked how she was doing. She said I couldn't comprehend how tired she was because she had covid again and she has a one year old on top of it, and there was a meltdown at home because she has to stay away from the baby during her quarantine... And she went on for 5-6 more texts like this until the conversation fizzled out again.

I really do understand needing to vent and wanting some sympathy, I'm not cross with her for telling me how she's doing, but this is all our conversations ever since she's had her baby. She asks how I'm doing out of courtesy, ignores my answer and then continues to only talk about how terrible she's doing and by the time she's done, I honestly have nothing helpful to say because I don't have kids and my advice is only surface deep, which is why I don't tend to offer much. I used to feel guilty about letting our friendship fizzle because I felt like I should have been more present for her, then I think about how any of our chats go and how little she's interested...

I think it's nobody's fault but the single/childfree/childless part shouldn't always take the blame for dead friendships. I always hear how parents complain about losing friends after having kids, but I never hear advice on how new parents can keep in touch with friends, instead of always expecting the other part to do the work. Mind you, I don't mind accommodating tight schedules of friends or meeting them halfway; we've gone months, sometimes years without having a single face-to-face chat with some of them and when we meet again, it's like no time has gone by. Perhaps if people have a strong enough bond, it'll survive the no-contact weeks or months and the other ones will die a slow death while we awkwardly try to patch things together.

I'm tired of blaming myself for the state of our friendship and at this point in life, I think I'll pass on relationships that feel like a chore and I don't want to feel like my time or feelings are less valuable because I am not a parent.

Yes for real!! I feel like I see so many posts from people like 'nobody bothers with me now I have kids' and it's like well do you bother with them? Do you give anything to the friendship besides talking about your kid?

 

[rosemarina]

THIS! Oh my god, it drives me mad.

 

[Millais]

I thought I’d pop into the Trafford Centre because I’d finished work early - I didn’t realise it must be half term. I can barely move for mummies bellowing “TIA! TIA GERROFF DER NOWWWW!” at their feral spawn.

 

[ElectricDreams]

I find that once people become parents they lose who they used to be. I have a few friends who are now reduced to FB friends rather than people I meet up with because they have nothing other than their children to talk about. I couldn't tell you any of their interests other than being a parent. All they post about are their kids. They do nothing themselves. No hobbies, no nights out, no sharing anything that isn't child related.

 

[Ingognito.Queen]

I find that once people become parents they lose who they used to be. I have a few friends who are now reduced to FB friends rather than people I meet up with because they have nothing other than their children to talk about. I couldn't tell you any of their interests other than being a parent. All they post about are their kids. They do nothing themselves. No hobbies, no nights out, no sharing anything that isn't child related.

This is my worst nightmare.

Having children is not a personality trait.

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

I thought I’d pop into the Trafford Centre because I’d finished work early - I didn’t realise it must be half term. I can barely move for mummies bellowing “TIA! TIA GERROFF DER NOWWWW!” at their feral spawn.

I hate that place these days! I used to love it (I only live 20 minutes up the road), but now, even late at night in the week, it’s over run with kids screaming and parents shouting. Nando’s is like a crèche

 

[mcfeez]

Attended a family wedding recently and a distant cousin of mine was talking about the meal we were having later and how little girl might 'struggle' and hopefully the menu was good as she's a picky eater - only eats chicken nuggets, chips and cheese pizza and has to have ketchup with everything.

She was 15 years old. I fully expected a 6 year old or something to appear. It was a hassle to get her food then too as the family members that organised assumed being that age she'd eat the adult options (which was pretty simple stuff - standard roast dinner options)

Fair bit of fussing and jumping through hoops to get a kids menu because it was considered a pretty much 'child free' wedding and no young kids were attending.

 

[pinkmug]

The fear is real when your friend sends a photo/video/second-by-second account of their child’s morning, but you’re the last one in the group to read the message and have to think of a creative reply. There’s only so many ways to type “Aww that’s so cute!”

I just throw a heart emoji and get on with my day

 

[judgejohndeed]

Yes for real!! I feel like I see so many posts from people like 'nobody bothers with me now I have kids' and it's like well do you bother with them? Do you give anything to the friendship besides talking about your kid?

This is absolutely spot on also the ones who want every single social event to be something child friendly or worse, revolve around their kid?? ‘Haven’t seen you for ages, do you fancy going to the park with me and (their kids) this week?’ errrr no thanks

 

[Mrs Fluff]

This is absolutely spot on also the ones who want every single social event to be something child friendly or worse, revolve around their kid?? ‘Haven’t seen you for ages, do you fancy going to the park with me and (their kids) this week?’ errrr no thanks

I've lost contact with two of my oldest friends because of kids. I'm the one who feels guilty even though I was the one making the effort

 

[HoGi]

Forgot it's half term.

Popped out on my lunch break and town was full of children

 

[cc_2013]

At work today there was a woman with her 3 year old daughter who came in. She needed an X-ray and I had to ask the child 3 TIMES to come and stand outside for a minute while we take the X-ray. The first time, she just looked up at me and smirked and then went back to her iPad game The next 2 times I asked her, she just blatantly ignored me! Her mum then had to tell her and she reluctantly walked very slowly out of the room. I was raging!

 

[rosemarina]

‘Haven’t seen you for ages, do you fancy going to the park with me and (their kids) this week?’ errrr no thanks

I couldn’t agree more. Do they honestly, honestly think that sounds like a fun time for anybody except their child?