Childfree by choice #5

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

I have an okay paying job & my husband has a really well paid job. Together we are financially comfortable and I wouldn’t want to give this up.

We have our lifestyle now and I wouldn’t want to change it. We can afford various different holidays and we book these without thinking, we have two takeaways a week, breakfast out every weekend, trips out whenever we feel and if we want something, we buy it.

Growing up I wasn’t well off at all and actually lived on the edge of poverty most of the time and I’d hate to go back to that or have kids and put them through that.

 

[JoeBloggs]

Someone said upthread words to the effect of everything becomes centered around children, and it' so right! I can't go to a historic place / on a day trip somewhere etc without it being infested with children running around, screaming, and me having to make space for Little Johnny when I want to look at something in the museum, etc. Of course I'm not saying they should be banned from anywhere, but I am saying that they shouldn't take priority over me. Especially when I've paid full price to see some of these things!!

I've never wanted children. I got the usual, you'll change your mind nonsense, but I haven't. I've never once looked at baby / child and thought, I want one of those. In fact, when I hear that someone is expecting I'm always a bit like... ... !! I look at animals, and I go completely gooey over them (well, for the most part), but children have the opposite effect on me.

I also don't think I'd be a good mum, I like my alone and quiet time too much. I like things to be in their right place. There's too much intergenerational trauma in my family to pass that on, not to mention the risk of other genetic hand me downs.

The huge contrast between opinions towards a working mother and working father also annoys me. Men get a medal for changing a nappy and doing a school run.

100%. I would rather meet someone's new puppy than their baby.

My mum always says a mans life doesn't change when he has kids, he continues to work and to go out. A womans world changes and not necessarily for the better.

 

[shadowcat5]

I know we joke on this thread but on a serious note, I’m in a&e and the kids department is next door, you can hear these kids coming in ill, screaming in pain and like it must be actually shit being a parent of a kid who’s ill. Like it’s shit being me as a patient but fuck I can’t imagine how stressful it is when your child is in a state like that

 

[TaylorMomsen]

Arranged to go for lunch with two of my besties on Saturday
One of them invited one of our less close friends and this friend brought her daughter with them
I detest this kid. She's obnoxious, loud, rude and thinks the whole world revolves around her. She's 5.
The conversation then centred around the kids dance shows, her swimming lessons, her school while the kid sat there with her ipad on FULL VOLUME screeching over her mum, banging her head on the table and shouting for drinks.
The mum also slagged her fella off constantly to the daughter (who cheated on her when she first got knocked up, then again after she had the baby) but yet stayed with and they're now buying a new house?

 

[malibu skies]

Probably, also I’d imagine the 17 year old hasn’t given it any thought cause they’re 17

Side note though, why are people so offended when you say you don’t want kids? People get so defensive as if you’re attacking their life choices

Because they interpret ‘I don’t want children’ as ‘I don’t want your life/agree with your choices’ and take it very personally

 

[TaylorMomsen]

I think to choose a child free life and live it successfully really does require interests to occupy your time, particularly as you get older. They don’t have to be wild and exciting interests, but as your more and more of your circle of friends have families of their own you need something in place beyond coming home and chilling on the sofa with the same person every night which feels very different in your late 40s than it does in your late 20s.

why would it feel very different? spending time doing what i enjoy with my favourite person in the world? can't think of anything better.

 

[mdizzl3]

I was at my in-laws and my SIL just had a baby. It all just looks horrendous. Even though it’s a cute lovely baby, she has to breastfeed every 2 hours! For like 20 mins at a time. So either you’re housebound/excluded, or have to get your tits out in front of all and sundry.
I said “what if you get invited to a party?” and MIL basically scoffed at the concept of going anywhere like a party when you have a young baby. SIL mentioned her friend who is formula feeding and went for a weekend away with her husband and left her baby with her parents, MIL looked horrified. So basically if you dare to make your life easier in any way, or have ANY leisure time to yourself, you’re a bad mum.

It’s so thankless! Just endless judgement and any “help” from family comes with their dumbass opinions on your choices. I’d rather enjoy my life thanks! Only now at 29 have I FINALLY found a job I enjoy, a hobby I enjoy and am more comfortable in myself. After being bullied at school, doing 6 jobs I hated and 5 counsellors/stints of depression, I finally feel like I’ve got my shit together. Why would I ruin all that?

I think if I ever got pregnant it would have to be at a time when I felt like I’d “completed” life (hopefully never, or maybe 40), and I was rich enough to have a private c-section, get paid help, formula feed, get husband to do >50% of ALL the work and not give a damn what anyone thinks. Rather than get my tits out in front of judgemental family and be housebound…

 

[rosemarina]

My cats have a cardboard yurt, and sometimes use my iPad to play a cat game . Oh dear.

The people who didn't think it would change their lives all looked at other women telling them that very same thing for years, and thought "Yeah, but I'm different. It will be different for me". Humans do this a lot. We are all much, much more similar than we want to believe. If most people don't find something enjoyable, you almost certainly won't either. The sooner we all learn this, the better.

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

some of the shit people say baffles me!

It really annoys me when people who can’t have children get offended. I’ve never tried to get pregnant, so how do I even know if I can have kids?

 

[Erling Haaland]

Hey guys! Love reading this thread so I thought I’d jump in. I’m 26 and have never wanted kids, I am very work orientated and I couldn’t think of anything worse than giving things up to have kids in the same way that my friends have! A few examples being ‘ can’t go on holiday I have a child’ ‘ i have to be home by 7 because of xyz bedtime’ ‘ oh I look a mess #mumlife’ you get my point but fast forward and I’m 6 months pregnant! I do believe that until you are pregnant and you start feeling your baby ect you don’t realise how much you want/ love that child but I will NOT give anything up! He will be a part of my life and I never want to lose myself in that. How annoying is it when people just use their kids as an excuse to be lazy and have no goals! Only problem is I don’t think I’ll have any mam friends who agree with my views

When the babies born, come back and tell us about all the holidays you’re going on and how amazing you’re looking while living on maternity pay and saving up for all the childcare costs when youre back at work

 

[HoGi]

For me part of not wanting kids is wanting the slower pace of life anyway. I don’t want to always have to be dragging kids out to entertain them somewhere, I like a cosy quiet weekend in and kids generally don’t enjoy being cooped up all the time. I don’t want to go to Disneyland or spend weeks of the holidays going to Peppa Pig world or whatever ghastly other loud venues kids go to these days. I would feel way more pressure to have an adventurous life with kids than without, tbh.

100% this

I want to sit in bed on a Sunday morning with my ipad and a cup of tea while Mr HoGi watches match of the day and not get out until midday. Then have a lazy afternoon cross stitching or reading followed by a Sunday roast.

I couldn't think of anything worse than having to entertain a small needy human all day or running them to parties or clubs etc.

 

[Princesst]

36 here and have never felt any desire to be “mummy”. If I start to even think what if… I just step outside amongst people with kids and it just affirms my thoughts 10x . I was at a theme park recently and was shocked to see the amount of kids hitting their parents. One boy must have been like 8 and was waiting in line in front of us for food, it was a bit of a wait and he was fed up. Was dancing around and was like “I’m sooo bored this is stupid why are we waiting so long” then Started punching his mum really hard in the leg like when *punch* are *punch* we *punch* goinggg *punch punch punch*. She just basically ignored it and was smiling away. I turned to my husband like WTF is that?? Another girl looked about 7 and didn’t want her pizza, her mum moved the box towards her and she punched her arm and the box away, food everywhere. The mum looked like she was going to burst into tears. Saw another girl about 11 slap her dad across the face twice as she wanted to go on a ride and he knelt down to tell her she couldn’t because it was too long a wait & they’d come back . Considering these kids have been treated by their parents and taken on a really expensive day out that I couldn’t even dream of as a kid, it was just shocking. They all looked totally miserable. Imagine working so hard to pay for that and doing something amazing for your kids for the day and you get treated like that. Whereas my husband and I were wandering around happy as anything

 

[rosemarina]

I’m struggling to maintain friendships with people who have kids. How do I connect?

Staying connected through diverging experiences is difficult, writes advice columnist Eleanor Gordon-Smith, but doing so may future-proof your friendships

www.theguardian.com

“I’ve had friends thank me for helping them with childcare when I thought we were meant to be socialising.”

This with fucking bells on.

 

[ElectricDreams]

I know this will sound really materialistic but one of my fav things about being childfree is that my husband and I don't have to worry (as much) about money. No kid's shit to buy .

Yesterday we were out and decided to look at SUVs, we looked at Audi's and we are thinking next year that is what I will get...so far on the list is Jaguar Fpace, Jeep Grand Cherokee new model (we have one from a few years back), Range Rover Velar or Audi q5 sportback (prob my fav). I am so excited!

I'm like this but with holidays rather than cars! Can't bear the thought of having to do a weekend at Butlins or an all inclusive at a family resort in Spain (at school holiday prices) to keep the kids happy. Give me an adult only cruise or a last minute city break any day!

 

[Jane Porcupine]

I don't think it's gatekeeping, it's a thread with a clear topic: being child-free. As others have pointed out, we don't go on parent or pregnancy threads listing reasons why they should reconsider. It was interesting to hear the honest regret story but I also don't want this thread to become the regular place where unhappy parents come to unload and clear their conscience

I agree, it feels very much to me like that poster can't have that conversation about regret with other parents so chose to come here expecting a sympathetic ear. Wrong audience!

I think it's fine for parents to read and comment on the thread, however the comments need to be made in the context of the conversation and not used as an opportunity to talk about your child centred life. Go to one of the many parenting threads/Mumsnet for that.

I agree. I see so many posts about people saying they didn’t realise things about being a parents. A recent one was going out to dinner for her husband. It was very difficult for lots of reasons and she didn’t realise it would be before she had a child and because of that and many other reasons she resents the child.

I’ve obviously never had a child but just a quick 1 minute think about dinner with my husband vs dinner with my husband and our child and and I can tell you how hard it would be and how it would be different. I think people do realise, they just block it out because it’s what they want. Like I realise McDonald’s isn’t healthy but I block it out because I want it

People tell me I can have children and nothing about my life will change and that’s blatantly not true. On Sunday we slept until 2pm then ate a roast dinner in bed while watching horror films. A baby/toddler/child would change that!

My three closest friends have kids and always say they didn't realise how their lives would change. I honestly (and privately) think WTF, how?! It's literally the number one reason that I DON'T want them. How can you not have ever considered this?!

 

[shadowcat5]

I remember once one Easter I had to work 12 days of the 14 over the Easter holidays cause those with kids wanted it off. 1 day off a week (and one of those days was the closed easter sunday!). The worst bit was that I was in college doing A-levels at the time which meant I had no time to study or relax. When I told my boss she said they needed cover cause it was Easter and the mother's wanted the time off with their kids.

Another time, I had worked christmas (Eve and Boxing day as closed Xmas day) so imo it was only fair that I had new year off. Nope. The people with kids got that off as well. So i did Xmas eve, boxing day and the new year's eve and new year's day Why should I not get to have fun over the holiday season cause I don't have kids?!

 

[Falkor]

One of Mr F's colleagues, who spends about one week in four working at Mr F's location, recently asked in all seriousness if his daughter could come and live with us for the summer to do an internship. 1) we've never met the daughter. 2) she's 17 and doesn't drive - we live in a remote rural area with one bus service a day. 3) on what planet is that a remotely acceptable request??!?

 

[LaBlonde]

Whenever I spend any time with children I am reaffirmed in my decision to never produce any of my own. I spent the day with my cousin’s kids, who are great children. But in general, it’s SO HARD. And everything is made 20 times more complicated and longer with kids?! It’s just… so much work. I genuinely wonder how parents cope I feel exhausted after today - emotionally, mentally, physically!

Kids just make me feel SO overstimulated; everything about them is anti chill. I feel like
I’m constantly on edge and I can’t wait to get home to sit in peace and quiet.

I would be a terrible mother, my patience would wear so thin so fast. I don’t think it’s shameful to know that or admit that. Childfree forever

this is exactly me!

i don’t dislike kids at all but the constant keeping them occupied, keeping them busy, would absolutely destroy me. i spent some time with a friend and her daughter a few weeks back and it was a constant stream of “can you see that car? look at the sheep! what noise do sheep make? oh it’s raining!” etc and then when we got home she wanted to be read three different books, play mario kart, watch the first ten minutes of the descendants, then get out her lego.

i cannot deal with it. one of many reasons why i would be a terrible mother

 

[Hellacopters]

I’m 26, so I’m quite young really! But I know I don’t want kids, they just don’t suit my life. I am married too, but it’s just a no!

My husband initially wanted kids in the unreflected way many men do. I told him I never want children and over the years told him to imagine having to take care of a child when he was especially knackered from work. That did the trick. He was one of the people who never actually thought if he wants a child, it was for him simply something you do when you grow up. I made him think about the bigger picture and now he is almost more adverse to having children than I am. If that is even possible

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

I’m on a couple of different forums and on one there are lots of stories from parents of children with additional needs who are crying out for support and help, but they can’t get it.

I just can’t imagine having to deal with that level of emotional upset & stress, it just seems so draining.

I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t give my all to another being like that.