Childfree by choice #5

[chapterthree]

My mum started calling me selfish for possibly not wanting children. I’m sick and tired of this bullshit. Then when I try and explain why that’s a toxic thing to say to someone she gets angry. Stating what else am I going to spend my money on, she said I don’t need anymore “stuff” or “holidays”. I’m actually livid. Anyone else experienced similar things or conversations with their parents?

 

[rosemarina]

But also please don’t; there are plenty of other threads for parents.

 

[cc_2013]

Everyone seems shocked I don’t have them, I’m sick of all this “you don’t know love” and “it’s the best thing ever!” shite! Well no, it’s not to people who don’t want them! I’m made to feel as less of a person or made to feel a failure because I don’t have them! It’s infuriating!
And it’s also infuriating how my friends don’t ask if I want them or not they just all assume I do (because I forgot that apparently everyone does!) One friend is 13 weeks pregnant and she keeps saying “you need to hurry up!” and “it’s your turn next!” And also that I need to hurry up and if I hurry they would be in the same school year? Why say all that shite? She’s not even bothered to ever ask so it could be that I can’t get pregnant and it’s insensitive of her to be saying things like that! Just pure selfish!
I got engaged at 24 and so many of my friends kicked off and warned me against it, said it’s a huge commitment, I’m young, blah blah blah… while they already had kids and some were then also single parents?
Sorry but engagement and even marriage is nowhere NEAR as big a commitment as a child. Like an actual human and then you’re tied to the other parent for life! Engagements you can cancel and marriages you can get annulled/divorced. I know what I’d rather!

 

[Millais]

All the dull girls from my dull hometown seem to be participating in some Instagram challenge called Spread Baby Fever! Post a Picture of Your Baby as a Newborn! Unfollow, unfollow, unfollow.

 

[La_frenchie]

I sent this to my child free accountant friend

 

[shadowcat5]

don't speak polish so can't confirm but funny either way

 

[Millais]

I’ve just read a ‘things they don’t tell you about having kids’ article that including the phrase ‘it took several months of physical therapy to be able to sit in a chair again’. Ma’am, with all due respect, why did you choose to do this?!

 

[Pebbleybeach]

Exactly! My dog isn’t allowed on our bed and my friends all ask omg how do you stop her, mine always just jumps on etc etc. Well I put the time and effort into training my dog that she knows exactly where her boundaries are whereas you just let yours do what it like cos you want an easy life but then moan about it!!!

That reminds me of a thread on mumsnet where someone said her kids friend always says please and thank you but her kids never say please and thank you and how can she get them to (kids were of an age to say please and thanks I think 5&7). Someone replied and said they taught their kids to say please and thank you by telling them to do basically give them something and say ‘say thank you’ or they ask for something and you say ‘say please’. OP replied saying that sounds ‘really harsh’

 

[mcfeez]

Attended a family wedding recently and a distant cousin of mine was talking about the meal we were having later and how little girl might 'struggle' and hopefully the menu was good as she's a picky eater - only eats chicken nuggets, chips and cheese pizza and has to have ketchup with everything.

She was 15 years old. I fully expected a 6 year old or something to appear. It was a hassle to get her food then too as the family members that organised assumed being that age she'd eat the adult options (which was pretty simple stuff - standard roast dinner options)

Fair bit of fussing and jumping through hoops to get a kids menu because it was considered a pretty much 'child free' wedding and no young kids were attending.

 

[shadowcat5]

It annoys me when this is treated like some kind of feminist issue: "it's not about the children, you just think that women shouldn't be seen in public and you're using children as an excuse to force us to stay at home." No, it is about the children. Not all women have or want children, and it's just as annoying when their father is letting them run wild in public

yeah or when people turn into some child hating thing. No I don't hate kids. No I don't expect kids to stay at home until they turn 18. No I don't think kids should be seen and not heard but I also would like people to respect that their kid isn't the most important thing in the room and show/teach them how to behave. I don't want to hear peppa pig screeching from an Ipad and I don't want to see your kid running around causing havoc, bring some head phones and tell your kid to sit the fuck down.

 

[judgejohndeed]

Yes for real!! I feel like I see so many posts from people like 'nobody bothers with me now I have kids' and it's like well do you bother with them? Do you give anything to the friendship besides talking about your kid?

This is absolutely spot on also the ones who want every single social event to be something child friendly or worse, revolve around their kid?? ‘Haven’t seen you for ages, do you fancy going to the park with me and (their kids) this week?’ errrr no thanks

 

[Anne1448]

Why do people come on a childfree thread to talk about having kids?

Can you imagine if we went on the mummy thread to talk to them like that?

 

[rosemarina]

Yet another reason not to have children. It’s such a huge risk for women if you don’t bring in your own money.

 

[pinkmug]

My mother has been a judgy bitch all her life about people without kids even though two of her own kids don’t have any. She’s always remarked into retirement that the neighbors across the street chose not to have kids (she has no idea whether they chose to or not, but she assumes) and now they are lonely. My mum’s husband (my abusive dad) died last week, and where are her kids to support her? I live thousands of miles away in another country, and the other two live an hour away and are resentful about visiting her and supporting her. Meanwhile those poor lonely childless people across the street get regular visits from their nieces and nephews and friends. Don’t fucking assume your kids will be there for you, because it’s more than likely that they won’t.

I keep finding myself thinking about old age a lot these days. I think it's crucial to build a support system of your own, whether you have kids, a partner or not. There is no guarantee that anybody will be here for us just because it's their duty. I'm not a very social person so I sometimes worry that I may not be able to keep my friendships that long, although I try. When parents put all the responsibility on the child's back, do they not miss out on having hobbies, friends, a community of their own?

 

[Norfolking Good]

I never understand people throwing a lavish bash for a child turning 1. It seems to be all about the parents and not the child as they have no concept of what’s going on and a little cake and a few family is all you need.

 

[Blond3g1rl]

I know child free couples who have taken their dogs to ‘pick pumpkins’

 

[penny1992]

yeah or when people turn into some child hating thing. No I don't hate kids. No I don't expect kids to stay at home until they turn 18. No I don't think kids should be seen and not heard but I also would like people to respect that their kid isn't the most important thing in the room and show/teach them how to behave. I don't want to hear peppa pig screeching from an Ipad and I don't want to see your kid running around causing havoc, bring some head phones and tell your kid to sit the fuck down.

I realised it isn't so much the children I dislike but their useless parents. It isn't the child's fault their parent is a thoughtless dick head

 

[DCICassieStuart]

I walked past the local primary school at breaktime today. The noise was absolutely indescribable. Why do kids have to SCREAM so much?

 

[ElectricDreams]

I've been feeling poorly all weekend and am so thankful that I've been able to just curl up and ignore the world and focus on feeling better. Can't imagine what it's like having to feel this crap and run around after kids!

 

[Pebbleybeach]

Vent incoming.

A friend texted me yesterday. We used to be very close but after she had a baby during the pandemic, it was hard to keep in touch for multiple reasons and we've settled back into casual friends these days. She asked me how I am, I told her that I was pretty tired but dealing with it, and asked how she was doing. She said I couldn't comprehend how tired she was because she had covid again and she has a one year old on top of it, and there was a meltdown at home because she has to stay away from the baby during her quarantine... And she went on for 5-6 more texts like this until the conversation fizzled out again.

I really do understand needing to vent and wanting some sympathy, I'm not cross with her for telling me how she's doing, but this is all our conversations ever since she's had her baby. She asks how I'm doing out of courtesy, ignores my answer and then continues to only talk about how terrible she's doing and by the time she's done, I honestly have nothing helpful to say because I don't have kids and my advice is only surface deep, which is why I don't tend to offer much. I used to feel guilty about letting our friendship fizzle because I felt like I should have been more present for her, then I think about how any of our chats go and how little she's interested...

I think it's nobody's fault but the single/childfree/childless part shouldn't always take the blame for dead friendships. I always hear how parents complain about losing friends after having kids, but I never hear advice on how new parents can keep in touch with friends, instead of always expecting the other part to do the work. Mind you, I don't mind accommodating tight schedules of friends or meeting them halfway; we've gone months, sometimes years without having a single face-to-face chat with some of them and when we meet again, it's like no time has gone by. Perhaps if people have a strong enough bond, it'll survive the no-contact weeks or months and the other ones will die a slow death while we awkwardly try to patch things together.

I'm tired of blaming myself for the state of our friendship and at this point in life, I think I'll pass on relationships that feel like a chore and I don't want to feel like my time or feelings are less valuable because I am not a parent.

I agree. I lost loads of my friends when they had children, not on my side because although I don’t want children I’m happy to hang out with children and do stuff like hold the baby while visiting so the mum can put washing on/have a quick shower/whatever to help out. Now their children are grown up I’m getting messages asking how I am and if I want to meet up and do stuff, I’ve just left them on read.

I’m still friends with lots of people who had children who didn’t fuck the friendship up and childless/childfree people so I don’t need the friendships that clearly weren’t that strong but their social media and/or messages to me are all about how lonely they are. One posted a long thing on instagram the other day about how when the children are grown up friendships end because you don’t do the school run, clubs, reciprocated babysitting and lifts and stuff like that and how she’s so lonely now all her friends have drifted away and are working now the children are grown etc but when she had her children she told me she couldn’t be bothered to meet up with me because I didn’t have children and so couldn’t add anything to her life like playmates for her children or reciprocal babysitting etc which was a shame for her because I do actually babysit for friends and family although they can’t reciprocate

You get out of life what you put in and that include work, hobbies, family and friends and if they’re not willing to put in them they don’t get anything out

Also your friend should complain because she has covid and one kid. Someone out there has covid and two kids. And they also shouldn’t complain because someone has covid, three kids and a dog. Where does it end. Let’s find the poorest woman in the world with the most illnesses and Dias abilities and kids and pets and the worst house and the shortest upbringing and all that and we’ll all just listen to her complain and no one else gets to complain ever.