Childfree by choice #5

[ATV2021]

thank you for this. i thought i’d stumbled into the wrong thread for a second

“get pregnant and you’ll feel differently” is such a dangerous rhetoric in general.

It really is. What if I fell pregnant tomorrow and didn't feel differently? What if I never did...and detested the baby? Then what? Just bop down the council with it and go nah don't like this thanks? No thanks. I'll stick to my "selfish" childfree life, with my tidy house and all the space for ME and my perfect Xmas tree

 

[shadowcat5]

Also like, are you missing out when you've got a teenage tearaway? No one talks about when your teenager is moody, does drugs, sneaks out, gets expelled from school, sex, pregnancy. No love like it though

 

[shadowcat5]

Chatting to my neighbour the other week and he told me you're not a woman until you have a child. I didn't know how to respond but it pissed me off.

There's more to life than having a baby and so many people have children when they shouldn't. It's choice and I wish people would mind their own damn business.

Does that mean men aren't men until they become fathers or does it only work for one sex?

 

[ElectricDreams]

This! I think it's so weird to see a thread called 'child free by choice' and think 'oh I have kids but that thread is for me'

I think every parent who contributes to this thread thinks they're going to be the one to change or minds with their success story!

 

[HeyBabes]

Honestly, I work as cabin crew, and the best contraceptive is working flights during school holidays. Messy screaming kids, parents who can’t be fucked to entertain them or look after their basic needs, dads who wish they were on a flight to magaluf with their single mates, it all seems so depressing. Plus the mess they make, I can only assume their houses are a similar state

 

[mdizzl3]

I don’t get the “but you’re so good with kids”….I’m good at cleaning our toilet. Doesn’t mean I want to become a full-time toilet cleaner! Plus the only reason anyone is good with kids is because they have the mental energy to play with them, which ironically they wouldn’t as a full-time parent because they’d be exhausted.

I also don’t think it’s very fair on your kids to have the attitude that they’ll just slot into your life and you don’t have to change anything. We went on a party holiday to Ibiza and met a couple who had just had a baby, but had flown out with their nanny so they could go clubbing. And the rest of my group was like “wow you’re such cool parents”. Not sure I agree…

Feeling very grateful today for my tidy house, ability to spend Sunday sewing and mooching around charity shops, and the fact I slept for 12.5 hours last night

 

[HeyBabes]

My best friend said to me the other night “oh I might not be able to drink for the next 9 months” she was saying friends/family me,her have been getting pregnant and it’s been making her really upset. So she’s going to come off her pill and get pregnant. Never said if she’d discussed it with her boyfriend or not, and I was dumbstruck, I genuinely didn’t know what to say to that. She’s been bad enough with ditching us for her dog, so it’s fair to say if she has a kid she’ll never be in my life again

 

[OatMatchaLatte]

Someone said upthread words to the effect of everything becomes centered around children, and it' so right! I can't go to a historic place / on a day trip somewhere etc without it being infested with children running around, screaming, and me having to make space for Little Johnny when I want to look at something in the museum, etc. Of course I'm not saying they should be banned from anywhere, but I am saying that they shouldn't take priority over me. Especially when I've paid full price to see some of these things!!

I've never wanted children. I got the usual, you'll change your mind nonsense, but I haven't. I've never once looked at baby / child and thought, I want one of those. In fact, when I hear that someone is expecting I'm always a bit like... ... !! I look at animals, and I go completely gooey over them (well, for the most part), but children have the opposite effect on me.

I also don't think I'd be a good mum, I like my alone and quiet time too much. I like things to be in their right place. There's too much intergenerational trauma in my family to pass that on, not to mention the risk of other genetic hand me downs.

The huge contrast between opinions towards a working mother and working father also annoys me. Men get a medal for changing a nappy and doing a school run.

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

My dad definitely never loved me, he didn’t even want me.
He never paid my mum a penny in child support (they never lived together & split before I was 5) and he never contributed to anything I needed.

he didn’t come to school plays, parents evenings and didn’t even bother to buy me a decent Christmas or birthday present. Never took me on a day out or a holiday or did anything nice with me.

in fact he could be downright cruel, taunting me, smacked me a few times for no good reason etc and then he got a girlfriend when I was 11 and it spiralled worse from there. He wouldn’t ever contact me first, he used to take her kids to school, go to parents evenings etc and he bought her daughter a laptop for Christmas while I got a £1 stationary set.

his gf once asked him if he loved me or his dog more and he said “I love the dog”.

honestly I’d never want to risk any child of mine having a useless father so I’ll save myself the hassle and just not have any!

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

People have said to me before “when you meet the right man you will change your mind”

I’m married…

 

[penny1992]

Does anyone else think that (most) newborn babies are hideous looking? They come out in white gunk, wrinkled and bright red . Then they're floppy for weeks on end. Compare that to a cute fluffy puppy or kitten...

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

Literally would be me.

 

[shadowcat5]

I think that maybe they get offended because they are projecting of their own feelings/insecurities/beliefs.

I say this because I am single by choice but come from a family of women who rely on men for happiness. My friends were like it too. Never been without a man. I had 2 friends who wouldn't end their relationships no matter how shitty unless they had someone else lined up. I have always been single and faced a barage of "we need to find you a man"/"how can you be happy alone? Aren't you lonely?". I spoke to my therapist about it one day because I was happy the way I was but I was sick of them making me feel like there was something wrong with me, and my therapist said "have you ever thought that they just can't understand how you could possibly be happy single when they couldn't be?" It clicked for me in that moment that it wasn't about ME, it was about them and how they felt about their lives that they were projecting onto me.

ETA: I'm saying this is what it is but I think it could be a similar thing of "well i had kids, how could someone make the choice not to?" If that makes sense? I hope it does lol

 

[newtoyou]

I would however love some tips on how anyone coped when the point started where everyone around you started having kids.

Ask them with the same concern on their face as they use when trying to convince you, “why did you decide to have kids, didn’t you want to have freedom and not worry about finances?” And when they give you an answer say “well you never know, you might change your mind, you can ask them to leave when they’re 18 ”

 

[wearedoomed]

I’ve never understood why women let complete dickheads move in with them and get them pregnant. Then they are all surprised when they prove to be ineffective fathers.

Is it just the great sex or physical appearance that makes them look past obvious character flaws?

 

[Your Da Sells Avon]

Hi all, new to Tattle and have come across this thread I’m 40 in a few months and have not wavered about having kids (love being an auntie but that’s where I draw the line!) The only thing I think that is sad is how some friendships have drifted apart after my friends have become mothers. Obviously expected some changes but after a while I realised I was the one always doing the running or trying to organise meet-ups etc and took the hint that they were more interested in socialising with other mums

 

[GiftedNotFree]

This popped up on my Twitter feet (annoyingly, even though I don’t follow this person). But Jesus Christ, the entitlement! Maybe, I don’t know… prepare in advance!!? Rather than moaning that you have a baby with you

How stupid do you need to be to not realise that the £1 is a deposit so that you’ll return the trolley properly!! 🫠

 

[shadowcat5]

I’ve never understood why women let complete dickheads move in with them and get them pregnant. Then they are all surprised when they prove to be ineffective fathers.

Is it just the great sex or physical appearance that makes them look past obvious character flaws?

I think it's cause women are kind of told in society that we are not complete without a man/relationship. Many women settle for something so they can say they have something.
Also we do tend to repeat patterns from when we were kids. If you had an emotionally unavailable father you may end up with an emotionally unavailable husband. It's very common.

 

[Pebbleybeach]

I just don’t get it - my manager at work said “you’ll never regret it” about having kids, yet in the 5 months I’ve been in the company has said NOT ONE positive thing about his kids. Just complaining they’re noisy, selfish, rude brats, “little shits”, can’t get no sleep, driving them to 3 different activities, holidays are “like work” etc. I’m like mate…..it sounds a bit like you regret it! You’re not really selling it to me!

Loads of people regret it. There are entire forums/sun forums dedicated to it, numerous articles, books, specific therapy etc. Not to mention all of the stuff I’ve just mentioned but for adults who grew up knowing they were regretted/not wanted. Then add in all the neglected and/abused children and children given up plus all the parents who walk out and never see their kids. How is that ‘never’ regretting it! It’s such an irresponsible thing to say, won’t someone think of the children!

 

[Erling Haaland]

Met my newborn nephew at the weekend and my dad keeps telling me I ‘look broody’ in the pics of me holding him…. I have never shown any interest in having kids. My husband and I have been together well over a decade and we have no interest.

I’m sure next time I’m going to have to sit there snarling at the baby to make sure I don’t ‘look broody’

I wouldn’t mind but my dad is horrible to me and my sister and makes almost zero effort with both of us! Of all the people that might tell me how good it is being a parent, he’s the last person I’d listen to!