Childfree by Choice #2

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

Speaking as someone with professional experience in education, social care and amplifying children's voices I have to say I think the model of teachers being kind and understanding is far better than my memories in school (I was born in the 80s) of how 'naughty' children were treated. Most of the time, children misbehaving are not doing it for the sake of being little shits - there may be stuff going on at home, they may be emotionally unregulated, they may have mental health issues. Behaviour is communication. These behaviours need addressing and to open a dialogue with the child and "despising" a child or "punishing them heavily" for it isn't going to help. The 'special' treatment children receive is not a green card to act like a twit, it is a network of people trying to unpick what is going on and make modifications to help the child be a better learner and grow up well. Sadly in our underfunded state schools, teacher and teaching assistant time is often focused on the children that need more support to the detriment of other children in the class but that is not and never is the fault of the child that this is the system they are part of. One of the reasons my husband left teaching and now works to support "naughty" children in other ways was the fact all children cannot be supported in the ways that make them thrive.

Oh I know all of this. I worked with children for five years and I have a degree studying the early years.

oh and I was also a child who came from a difficult background, a child that acted out because of my upbringing. Believe me, I know that most children who misbehave (myself included) are doing it because they are having internal struggles due to external factors.

However, while I was bad as a child, I wasn’t bad enough to receive “special treatment”, I wasn’t taken out for bowling, McDonald’s and given a special timetable. I didn’t have counselling or extra tutoring, I had no one there to support me, I was just punished for my behaviour and not one person tried to find out why I was the way I was, no one cared, not even my own parents.

however, some children are just brats. I went to school with one such girl and she was always given special treatment for her moody and sulky behaviour. She was allowed to have a special time table, given one to ones etc and there was nothing wrong with her except she was a brat and I was her friend so I should know.

I’m not saying children’s needs shouldn’t be met, but parents are so focused now on making their children permanently happy and society seems so focused on the gentle approach that I do think there are too many kids growing up entitled and disrespectful.

 

[discokebab]

However, while I was bad as a child, I wasn’t bad enough to receive “special treatment”, I wasn’t taken out for bowling, McDonald’s and given a special timetable. I didn’t have counselling or extra tutoring, I had no one there to support me, I was just punished for my behaviour and not one person tried to find out why I was the way I was, no one cared, not even my own parents.

I'm sorry you had that experience. I don't think there should be a threshold for special treatment and you should 100% have been given that whatever it would have looked like. I think all children should be treated as individuals and their education and care should be child centred and that special treatment will look different for every child. Sadly, the system and society is so far away from offering that.

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

I'm sorry you had that experience. I don't think there should be a threshold for special treatment and you should 100% have been given that whatever it would have looked like. I think all children should be treated as individuals and their education and care should be child centred and that will look different for every child. Sadly, the system and society is so far away from offering that.

Oh yeah I totally agree. This is one the reasons why I stepped away from early years and working with children. The children that really needed help, that were suffering at home, often slipped through the system and didn’t receive any help and they were just left to cope.

whereas so many kids who were either brats or came from feral families, did get help, simply because they could scream the loudest.

I’ll never forget, in high school we had learning mentors and they had their own office. I sat in there for a few afternoons as I was being bullied in class. Also in there was brat girl who was an old friend I’d drifted from, another brat and a someone who was just a bit feral and had never had discipline. One of the teachers that despised me, found out I was in there and lost her tit and she made me go back to normal classes, I told her about the two brats and asked why they were allowed in there… she just said she would look into it, she never did, they got to stay.

maybe I’m just bitter, when I see kids getting the world on a plate, because I always felt so unloved, unwanted and despised.

 

[Caffeine Fiend]

Oh yeah I totally agree. This is one the reasons why I stepped away from early years and working with children. The children that really needed help, that were suffering at home, often slipped through the system and didn’t receive any help and they were just left to cope.

whereas so many kids who were either brats or came from feral families, did get help, simply because they could scream the loudest.

I’ll never forget, in high school we had learning mentors and they had their own office. I sat in there for a few afternoons as I was being bullied in class. Also in there was brat girl who was an old friend I’d drifted from, another brat and a someone who was just a bit feral and had never had discipline. One of the teachers that despised me, found out I was in there and lost her tit and she made me go back to normal classes, I told her about the two brats and asked why they were allowed in there… she just said she would look into it, she never did, they got to stay.

maybe I’m just bitter, when I see kids getting the world on a plate, because I always felt so unloved, unwanted and despised.

BIB is screaming out to me. Its so hard to unpick. So painful and traumatic. I have v little relationship with my mother now because I feel that way.

My mother wished my childhood away, I was v independent at 11 years old because she willed me that way. She has never been emotionally available to me and still isnt. Shes very much of the opinion that Im an adult and I need to just deal with it.

None of it is your fault Rippedjeanmaybe, children deserve love and respect, you deserved that! They have a right to feel wanted and appreciated. It doesnt mean that theyre never sad or get everything they want. Part of being a good parent is counseling your kids through disappointment, its not about them never being upset, its about giving them the mechanisms and coping skills to manage it.

Childhood trauma is real and valid. Just because your parents put clothes on your back and you were fed 3 meals a day in a clean and warm home doesnt mean that your childhood wasnt traumatic.

 

[Satisfying Click]

I think we're doing children a disservice by treating them as the centre of the universe, meeting every single need and the determination to make everything special at all times. My friend's son 'graduated' from nursery and was given a gown, mortar board(!) certificate and his parents dressed up and had their photographs taken - at the age of four! Life happens and there will be disappointments, that's how resilience develops.

 

[Melian]

I think we're doing children a disservice by treating them as the centre of the universe, meeting every single need and the determination to make everything special at all times. My friend's son 'graduated' from nursery and was given a gown, mortar board(!) certificate and his parents dressed up and had their photographs taken - at the age of four! Life happens and there will be disappointments, that's how resilience develops.

I find this strange. A party / disco when they leave. But graduation?

 

[Satisfying Click]

I find this strange. A party / disco when they leave. But graduation?

I found this on a nursery's blog. I bet the person driving this is the same hole that forces people to buy multiple themed outfits for hen weekends.

 

[it’s not been changed?!]

Flicking through the channels and The Witches is on tv (it terrified me as a child!)
Now I relate to the main character (I’m joking. I’m not that evil…)

The Witches is a British children's dark fantasynovel by the British writer Roald Dahl. The story is set partly in Norway and partly in England, and features the experiences of a young English boy and his Norwegian grandmother in a world where child-hating societies of witches secretly exist in every country. The witches are ruled by the extremely vicious and powerful Grand High Witch, who arrives in England to organize her plan to turn all of the children in England into mice.

 

[TrolleyParton]

I actually don't mind kids, I just don't want to be responsible for them. But I see people be very overindulgent with them. My best friend has two girls, 9 and 7, and if they act like little shits as all kids will sometimes do, they have an expected punishment and it is always followed through with. So, stop teasing your sister or you don't get your tablet to play on later. And if she DOESN'T stop teasing her sister, then she DOESN'T get her tablet to play on later. It doesn't have to be anything approaching any kind of physical punishment, it's just being consistent. Because they will eventually end up out in the real world where actions have consequences.

 

[openbook1]

I’m genuinely intrigued as to why and how there has been such a shift in the way people see and treat children?

-children are so worshipped these days, they get handmade cakes, balloon arches, stacks of gifts, holidays and big days out for all birthdays.

-Parents are always so focused on meeting their children’s needs and making their child is happy all the time, they don’t allow their children to be disappointed.

-it’s all so focused on giving their children the world, theatre trips, luxury holidays, expensive days out etc

-in schools, when child misbehaves on the regular, instead of being punished, the teachers are kind and understanding and they bend over backwards to give the child what they want and they give them special treatment…

-out and about, kids are just misbehaving, climbing things they shouldn’t and no one seems to say a thing?

I just don’t get it. I was born in 95 and I was never the centre of attention, never allowed to do what I wanted and I never felt like my feelings were the most important thing. I got an Asda cake and a tea party for my birthday, I was made to be seen and not heard in public and if I misbehaved I got took home for a smack and when I was bad at school, the teachers despised me and punished me heavily for it.

the world has gone mad. I know this isn’t all kids, but there’s so many kids treated like this now.

I was born '92... I have such fond memories of being a kid and having fun. But I do recall when I was playing at one friends in particular, if we were getting on her parents nerves, the mum wouldn't hesitate to tell us to "bugger off."
These days parents and kids are snowflakes.

 

[mrsbucket]

I can't believe I have only just found this thread. I have found my people!

I'm 31 and my husband is 35. I've spent my entire adult life being told "You'll change your mind when you're older" but on the contrary I think I am getting less maternal with age.

MIL has it in her head that my husband really wants children and I am somehow robbing him of his life goal. This is completely untrue - we have had the child conversation many times and we're both on the same page. Surely he wouldn't have married me if he was desperate for kids? So annoying. He tells me to ignore her but I just know I am bad-mouthed to anyone who will listen Has anyone else had a similar experience with in-laws?

 

[Satisfying Click]

MIL has it in her head that my husband really wants children and I am somehow robbing him of his life goal. This is completely untrue - we have had the child conversation many times and we're both on the same page. Surely he wouldn't have married me if he was desperate for kids? So annoying. He tells me to ignore her but I just know I am bad-mouthed to anyone who will listen Has anyone else had a similar experience with in-laws?

It has happened to two couples I know of. The couple have mutually decided they don't want children, but it's painted that the guy wants children and the woman doesn't, therefore robbing the poor lamb of the opportunity. I'm sure others have said the same about me! It's frustrating. When it comes to in-laws, let your husband deal with their... noise.

 

[hiya_hun]

I can't believe I have only just found this thread. I have found my people!

I'm 31 and my husband is 35. I've spent my entire adult life being told "You'll change your mind when you're older" but on the contrary I think I am getting less maternal with age.

MIL has it in her head that my husband really wants children and I am somehow robbing him of his life goal. This is completely untrue - we have had the child conversation many times and we're both on the same page. Surely he wouldn't have married me if he was desperate for kids? So annoying. He tells me to ignore her but I just know I am bad-mouthed to anyone who will listen Has anyone else had a similar experience with in-laws?

This is so ridiculous …. It’s not like you’re keeping him locked up and childless against his will

 

[Phil Anne Throw Pee]

I can't believe I have only just found this thread. I have found my people!

I'm 31 and my husband is 35. I've spent my entire adult life being told "You'll change your mind when you're older" but on the contrary I think I am getting less maternal with age.

MIL has it in her head that my husband really wants children and I am somehow robbing him of his life goal. This is completely untrue - we have had the child conversation many times and we're both on the same page. Surely he wouldn't have married me if he was desperate for kids? So annoying. He tells me to ignore her but I just know I am bad-mouthed to anyone who will listen Has anyone else had a similar experience with in-laws?

He needs to man up and tell her to STFU.

 

[DisgruntledGoat]

I can't believe I have only just found this thread. I have found my people!

I'm 31 and my husband is 35. I've spent my entire adult life being told "You'll change your mind when you're older" but on the contrary I think I am getting less maternal with age.

MIL has it in her head that my husband really wants children and I am somehow robbing him of his life goal. This is completely untrue - we have had the child conversation many times and we're both on the same page. Surely he wouldn't have married me if he was desperate for kids? So annoying. He tells me to ignore her but I just know I am bad-mouthed to anyone who will listen Has anyone else had a similar experience with in-laws?

Despite the fact that my husband already has a grown up son and all of his siblings have children as well, every time I’ve seen his mum since the wedding she asks when I’m going to have a baby. I told her never and she said “oh go on, just give it to me! I want to look after a baby!”. Yeah ok, I’ll ruin my body to give a woman on the brink of senility a project

Anyway she joined a sewing club recently so maybe she’ll sew her own baby.

 

[judgejohndeed]

Has anyone else had a similar experience with in-laws?

Mine are the same. Deeply, irreversibly misogynistic. We ended up cutting them off (not only because of this, but how they treated me/behaved towards me played a part).

 

[Anne1448]

Yeah ok, I’ll ruin my body to give a woman on the brink of senility a project

Anyway she joined a sewing club recently so maybe she’ll sew her own baby.

This is the smoothest insult ever

Let me take notes to use it next time my auntie ask me this question

 

[DCICassieStuart]

I'm 31 and my husband is 35. I've spent my entire adult life being told "You'll change your mind when you're older" but on the contrary I think I am getting less maternal with age.

Same here. In my thirties I had to listen to how I'd "Regret it when you're older and it's too late" and how my "Biological clock will start ticking". I'm 42 and I've never once heard it ticking so it's unlikely to start now.

 

[mcfeez]

I can't believe I have only just found this thread. I have found my people!

I'm 31 and my husband is 35. I've spent my entire adult life being told "You'll change your mind when you're older" but on the contrary I think I am getting less maternal with age.

MIL has it in her head that my husband really wants children and I am somehow robbing him of his life goal. This is completely untrue - we have had the child conversation many times and we're both on the same page. Surely he wouldn't have married me if he was desperate for kids? So annoying. He tells me to ignore her but I just know I am bad-mouthed to anyone who will listen Has anyone else had a similar experience with in-laws?

I totally sympathise, my MIL is the same. She thought for years I'd change my tune, only recently I must have sounded more sure than usual because only then did she turn to her son, my husband, and ask what he though of "all this." As though it wasn't a decision we'd make together.

It isn't help that every time she speaks with my own mother they discuss it and my mum keeps slyly mentioning about how its rude to ask because some people have fertility issues. We've never, ever tried to get pregnant. I don't know why she is saying that or where she is getting it from as I've said absolutely nothing to suggest fertility issues. It seems totally unacceptable to them that we could have just decided not to have any, no - there must be something wrong medically.

 

[mrsbucket]

I totally sympathise, my MIL is the same. She thought for years I'd change my tune, only recently I must have sounded more sure than usual because only then did she turn to her son, my husband, and ask what he though of "all this." As though it wasn't a decision we'd make together.

It isn't help that every time she speaks with my own mother they discuss it and my mum keeps slyly mentioning about how its rude to ask because some people have fertility issues. We've never, ever tried to get pregnant. I don't know why she is saying that or where she is getting it from as I've said absolutely nothing to suggest fertility issues. It seems totally unacceptable to them that we could have just decided not to have any, no - there must be something wrong medically.

Maybe your mum is trying to do you a favour and take the heat off you, but speculating about someone else's fertility is so rude!

I can never understand why the burden of explanation is on us anyway. "Why don't you want kids?" etc. Why don't the people who choose to have children get asked to explain themselves?