...all these flight stories remind me of a time I was flying back from France (I'd joined my sis and her family on their holiday)...I always book a window seat cause I like travelling and I'm organised...got on and young kid sitting in my seat with rest of family in the remaining two seats and the three across...I asked them to move her hahaha...was nice enough to them about it but if the adult in their family wasn't giving up their window seat for her then why the duck should I?!
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I was thinking this morning how difficult it must be to balance small children with ageing parents who need help - must be utterly exhausting
Someone I know was complaining about this recently - elderly parents, young children, working full time and her own health and marriage are failing (her word) and she said she was upset about something her colleague said because it made her feel like she’d made the wrong choices. Her colleague had said to her she should’ve had her children younger because then they’d be old enough to take on some of the care and how she sends her early teens children to do some of the care for her parents and her husbands parent and it takes a lot of the pressure off of her.
Couldn’t agree more. I don’t have children (obv or I wouldn’t be on this sub
) but I’ve spent the last 18 months caring for my dad whilst he was going through cancer treatment. He’s 84 and I’m 34 and I had no support from anyone. I was literally ill trying to juggle working, caring and trying to spend time with my husband I couldn’t imagine how much more difficult it would have been had I had children. Also, the same people who ask us who is going to look after us when we are older are the same ones who are quick to dump their elderly relatives in hospital because they can’t cope as they’ve got kids to look after.
Yes, my friend had children in her 40s. Her father died suddenly so she had all that to sort as her brother never helps out and her mother has dementia and is in a home. My friend is in a terrible place.
The burden always seems to fall to women.
That is such a horrible, unnecessary and unhelpful thing to say. I have said this before and it's probably been discussed a lot on here but the mindset of having children so that they can help you in later life is disgusting! What if the child is born with additional needs? What if they have a serious long term illness? Or on the flip side, what if they are just a general little tit and cause you nothing but stress and worry? Why do people assume that because you have kids, they are going to be good and help you out? I know so many people who have had kids that have moved hundreds of miles away, if not to the other side of the world, and they see them once a year if they are lucky. That is their choice to make in their life.
We've just started the process of applying for an Irish passport and are seriously looking at moving to Spain in the next couple of years, the grief I know I am going to get off my parents is making us keep it secret for now. They are late 70s but with my family genetics will probably go on for another 20 years, am I meant to put my life on hold just in case my dad needs his iphone updating or the Sky box sorting?, I'm like on call IT support most of the time. My brother lives an hour away from them and in typical man style does absolutely nothing to support. Its such a hard decision and the feeling of guilt is huge but they chose to have children, you can then force them to be your carers!
@orangehead that's not very nice of your friend's colleague!
This always annoys me when people say having them younger is better. Not really, you'll just end up being a grandparent alot earlier.
This time of life is hard. I've had to do phases of caring for my parents, including moving back into their home for weeks at a time. It's hard enough maintaining a relationship and running a business (luckily we are fully remote and very flexible, but it is hard AF to keep all the plates spinning), it would be impossible with children in the mix. One sibling lives abroad so can't come to help. The other has two small kids, and although her husband is as helpful as he can be, there are other issues that make it difficult for her to drop everything and come to help, especially as it takes her 2+ hours to get there and I'm 40 minutes away.
I'm not saying it's a male/female thing as I think it's a personal/situational thing but Mr Beacon's dad passed away from cancer recently and he only went to see him a couple of times for an afternoon in the last three months before he died, as he just didn't want to be there and he had a complicated relationship with his parents, especially his father.
I'm not saying it's a male/female thing as I think it's a personal/situational thing but Mr Beacon's dad passed away from cancer recently and he only went to see him a couple of times for an afternoon in the last three months before he died, as he just didn't want to be there and he had a complicated relationship with his parents, especially his father.
Not nice to her colleagues or her teens! Also having teens and elderly parents could be harder than having young children and elderly parents, there’s no way of knowing, it’s all a gamble. You could have drug taking thug teens and elderly parents who cannot help themselves in any way or really ‘good’ toddlers and sprightly elderly parents who do everything for themselves or anything in between, saying ‘you should’ve done it my way’ isn’t helpful
The worst for me is when people say you should have started having kids early so the kids would be at an age now where they can look after any more babies you have 
At this point what are we actually having kids for? I've seen 12 year olds burdened with younger siblings, essentially raising them, while the mums want to live the youth they missed whilst they were having the kids!
At this point what are we actually having kids for? I've seen 12 year olds burdened with younger siblings, essentially raising them, while the mums want to live the youth they missed whilst they were having the kids!I’m late 20s. All my friends have recently had children (first or second) or are expecting/planning except for a friend who lives abroad with a high flyer career. I make my views very clear but during a chat at work a few weeks ago I got the ‘oh it’s much easier to have them now and then your parents can help out too’ what, my parents who spend 4 months of the year travelling to far flung places plus other commitments?The worst for me is when people say you should have started having kids early so the kids would be at an age now where they can look after any more babies you have
I can’t even get mine to look after my dog for a few hours if I have to go out to a work meeting they are so busy with retirement activities like WI, bowls etc. I could never have relied on them for any childcare nor would I have even considered it knowing how active they are.
This is very much a thing and is referred to as “sister-momming” (an Americanism) - because of course it’ll only ever fall to the female children to take that role of caring for their younger siblings (for the record I obviously think it shouldn’t fall to any child, but it is just typical)The worst for me is when people say you should have started having kids early so the kids would be at an age now where they can look after any more babies you have
Why on earth would people expect their parents to essentially raise their own kids for them? Why even have them if you’re going to palm them off on people.
The amount of people who go on holiday and leave their kids at home for a week with grandparents and think it’s normal is astounding. No wonder kids are feral now. It’s like their parents see them as an inconvenience.
Instead of having kids to look after me when I’m old, I’ll use some of the money I would’ve spent on kids to put towards my care. Much more reliable.
I feel like it my mum's generation that has it worst at the moment. My mum is 64, is a full time carer for my dad and also helps out my sister with her kids and my grandparents, who at 89 are as independent as they can be but still need her to take them to appointments etc.
My sister has it tough juggling shift work with raising 2 kids but has both sets of grandparents to help but can't help thinking it's actually my mum run ragged. I live 90 mins away and get up as much as I can and am preparing to be needed more as my dad/grandparents deteriorate.
My sister has it tough juggling shift work with raising 2 kids but has both sets of grandparents to help but can't help thinking it's actually my mum run ragged. I live 90 mins away and get up as much as I can and am preparing to be needed more as my dad/grandparents deteriorate.
Similarly to this as well, loads of parents have been so awful to their children that they're really asking for too much to be looked after. People have kids with unrealistic expectations of their children and themselves & that's one of the many, many reasons I've never wanted any. You don't know how things will turn out. I've probably said it on here before but every single liar/thief/mugger/burglar/rapist/murderer was once someone's cute little baby. And there's no guarantee that all those old people left abandoned in care homes were in any way wonderful when they were somebody's parent. Cynical, I know
The idea of having kids so they can help with the labour of caring for others is crazy in today's world. The reality is that many people's health conditions today are too complex and prolonged for families to take care of at home. There's also not much state funding for at-home care. Not to mention that your kids might move away to build beautiful lives, and you might not want to rip that away from them when the time comes. Bottom line is that you can have the most loving, caring kid(s) in the world and you could still need to go into a home.
Also, that woman who shamed her colleague is a muppet. You can flip her argument round and say that she should have made better life choices so she didn't have to give her adult responsibilities to children. It's a silly argument all round and not one I'd spend any time on because it ultimately rests on criticising someone for not having the powers of divination. Makes me wonder if the woman is trying to validate her decision to have kids young because she sometimes wonders if she should have had them later in life.
Also, that woman who shamed her colleague is a muppet. You can flip her argument round and say that she should have made better life choices so she didn't have to give her adult responsibilities to children. It's a silly argument all round and not one I'd spend any time on because it ultimately rests on criticising someone for not having the powers of divination. Makes me wonder if the woman is trying to validate her decision to have kids young because she sometimes wonders if she should have had them later in life.
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