I don't have trich but I had a severe ED as a teenager (relapse after relapse) and I think there are strong comparisons to be made. They're both self harming, compulsive disorders which you both control and don't control at the same time. They both have the power to change your identity into an ''unwell'' person (esp with a visually sick component) and for ED suffers that's often the hardest tether to break. As we know, Beckie just loves to be unwell. I'm not saying she's consciously relapsed, but I think she is choosing not to control it for this reason. Her identity as ''unwell'' is just so valuable to her. She loves it, she thrives off it, it's her main identity and source of attention, her biggest interest. We've seen it all elements of her life, trich among them.
A month or so ago, nearer the start of the relapse she kept saying she felt ''confused by the pulling, really weird, not herself, thrown back to childhood''. To me, that felt like willing-relapse language. With my ED I would consciously allow myself to ''slip'' into behaviours and then react passively/neutrally this way to hide my complacency in them. And it's horrible to admit now I'm recovered mentally, but I'd also sometimes use this language to garner sympathy or worry. That's sadly a normal part of EDs and I wonder if it's part of (Beckie's) trich too.
The stuff about childhood struck me as so fucked in particular. I got the impression she was OPENLY romanticising the early days of the disorder (also happens in ED communities) and using it as a justification to relapse. ''I've been sick since I was a child, I'm so complicated and special, trich is who I am and all I've known, it almost makes sense I'm pulling again''. Again, I'm ashamed to say I also saw my ED mindset in that too.
I've been reluctant to say this as I'm not an expert on trich, and I know many members here are current/past sufferers. Please tell me I'm way off if you think I am. I also just have a strong feeling Beckie's trich is not like regular people's trich. Hers seems to have the more dramatic, integrated-into-personality elements that I recognise from the ED community (and my past self).
I hope this whole thing with Ash works out. It seems like she's based a lot of her happiness on this relationship recently, and actually I wonder if being happy is what has triggered the relapse. A sort of need to cling on to her past identity, something of her ''old'' self. I get the impression she's just screaming ''SEE I AM STILL SICK AND MISERABLE AND THE WORLD IS AWFUL''.
?
