Argument with boyfriend- advice needed please

[Ilando]

You’re not being unreasonable in your reaction in my opinion but I don’t think stopping him going is the answer. Relationships can’t survive if you resent each other- tricky as you’d resent him if he went and he’d resent you if you were the reason he missed the work trip.

I think I’d tell him to go on the work trip but then expect him to show a massive effort at another time.

 

[queenamber]

Sorry to be nosy but can I ask why you don't live together after 2 years? That's a pretty significant amount of time yet from what you're saying he's treating you like you're still in a new relationship. [Edit to add - I've just seen your posts mentioning your children from a previous relationship and living 1.5 hours apart - so maybe it's time to ask yourself where this relationship is going? This doesn't seem very sustainable long term, IMHO.]

I don't care whether you're 6 or 60 - a birthday is a birthday and if you want to make a fuss to celebrate it, you absolutely should.

Having said that, this isn't the end of the world. I'm sure you can have a weekend away whenever and it sounds like this conference might be a one-time thing which is important for his career and/or networking. You can't hold him back from that otherwise it's just going to breed resentment. Unfortunately this is life and long-term relationships require some compromises (no excuse for him calling you crazy, though!). Let him go, reschedule the trip, and see if he tries to make it up to you. If it starts becoming a regular pattern of behaviour, then you'll know you have to move on.

 

[JellyDonut]

A lot of our relationship was during COVID/lockdown times so I don’t feel like it has progressed the same way a normal relationship would. He has asked to meet my children and I’m hesitant about it because of stuff going on with sorting my house/mortgage out with my ex (their dad) and also I just want to do it right. I grew up with various men around all the time because my mum had a new boyfriend every other week and I just want to make sure that anyone I introduce into their lives is going to be a stable and constant part in it. Also I know for a fact he’s not seeing anyone else - I’ve been to his flat a lot and it’s very obvious only a guy lives there, and I’ve met all of his family and friends and because of work I know where he is all the time. We talk for hours every day. I am 100% certain without a doubt he’s not seeing anyone else at all. Things are progressing it’s just not following a typical path but that’s ok with me.

anyway, he decided not to go on the work trip. I did tell him with genuine sincerity that if he really felt it was important for him to go then he should because I don’t want to hold him back from anything because the whole point in being in a relationship with someone is that they encourage you to grow and bring out the best in you - and if by him not going to this conference meant I was holding him back then I don’t want that. But he’s decided to not go and is happy we are spending the time together, so it seems to have worked out.

 

[candyland_]

Maybe the trip would be a good time to talk about how you see this going.

Just be mindful of these things happening over and over. My ex was a bit like this. Him, his job, playing sports, taking trips came first and then I got to almost 30 and thought duck this. It’s been three years since I dumped him and he’s still living the same life, single and keeps trying to come back crying he wants a future. He’s mid 40s and will never change. We arranged a catch up and guess what? He had other plans that took priority.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

A lot of our relationship was during COVID/lockdown times so I don’t feel like it has progressed the same way a normal relationship would. He has asked to meet my children and I’m hesitant about it because of stuff going on with sorting my house/mortgage out with my ex (their dad) and also I just want to do it right. I grew up with various men around all the time because my mum had a new boyfriend every other week and I just want to make sure that anyone I introduce into their lives is going to be a stable and constant part in it. Also I know for a fact he’s not seeing anyone else - I’ve been to his flat a lot and it’s very obvious only a guy lives there, and I’ve met all of his family and friends and because of work I know where he is all the time. We talk for hours every day. I am 100% certain without a doubt he’s not seeing anyone else at all. Things are progressing it’s just not following a typical path but that’s ok with me.

anyway, he decided not to go on the work trip. I did tell him with genuine sincerity that if he really felt it was important for him to go then he should because I don’t want to hold him back from anything because the whole point in being in a relationship with someone is that they encourage you to grow and bring out the best in you - and if by him not going to this conference meant I was holding him back then I don’t want that. But he’s decided to not go and is happy we are spending the time together, so it seems to have worked out.

Oh god. So reading between the lines, youve not really physically seen much of eachother the entire time you’ve been “dating”

 

[JellyDonut]

No, we have. It’s just when we do see each other it’s several days at a time because of the distance.

 

[Wanttoseethescreenshots]

I’m glad you’re getting your weekend away and hope you have a lovely time. I met my boyfriend before lockdown and can understand why your relationship hasn’t progressed the same as usual, we’ve lost the best part of a year of it due being in lockdown!

 

[BettyCrockerr]

No, we have. It’s just when we do see each other it’s several days at a time because of the distance.

Your only 90 minutes from eachother right? It’s not like your living in different time zones

 

[Kim Mild]

No, we have. It’s just when we do see each other it’s several days at a time because of the distance.

Your only 90 minutes from eachother right? It’s not like your living in different time zones

I totally get only seeing your boyfriend during the time your children are with their father. Often dating a parent follows that pattern even if their is no distance involved.

 

[Inforapenny]

Personally my career comes first and I would always let my husband put his career first as we can rearrange.

But I think the work/Switzerland trip is a read herring.

It sounds like deep deep down you know he's not putting you first and you don't feel happy in your relationship

 

[JellyDonut]

Anywa

Your only 90 minutes from eachother right? It’s not like your living in different time zones

sure, but it’s the cost of the fuel to take into account and also working around the kids. Anyway, the issue has been resolved

 

[BettyCrockerr]

Anywa

sure, but it’s the cost of the fuel to take into account and also working around the kids. Anyway, the issue has been resolved

Maybe ask admin to close the thread then yeah?

 

[Caffeine Fiend]

The birthday trip away isnt a big deal if he could fly out first thing Mon morning.

Sitting reading work emails in a nice restaurant when you get v little time together, not ok imo.

Myself and my OH work hard at work. Id be pretty miffed after 13 years together if he pulled his work emails out on what is essentially a date. So if thats the type of person he is, it'd be a deal breaker for me. Wait til you get home

 

[Kim Mild]

Maybe ask admin to close the thread then yeah?

No ,not yet . We are all waiting to hear how the weekend away goes. We are invested.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

No ,not yet . We are all waiting to hear how the weekend away goes. We are invested.

Haha! Fair enough

 

[Raquel190988]

@JellyDonut I respect you for you decision to not introduce him to your children too soon. I think it's a good way of going about things, especially if you are still sorting things out with your ex. I think you should introduce them whenever you feel ready and think they are ready too, even if you end up at the 3 year mark at that point. You can't rush those things . Since the pandemic took up most of your relationship I would agree that you can necessarily compare it to others that have had normal years to progress.

Best of luck! Hope everything from here is smooth sailing

 

[Raininvain]

Anywa

sure, but it’s the cost of the fuel to take into account and also working around the kids. Anyway, the issue has been resolved

Cost of fuel? for someone who was so progressed in their career that they were considering going to Switzerland for a work conference? For you yes,a single parent etc but for him? C'mon, hes having you on.
Sorry I think you are still wasting your time and he knows you will put up with it. I don t know any woman who would sit there and watch F1 after being blown off for a date. They would all just leave and do something better instead.He sounds really ignorant.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

Cost of fuel? for someone who was so progressed in their career that they were considering going to Switzerland for a work conference? For you yes,a single parent etc but for him? C'mon, hes having you on.
Sorry I think you are still wasting your time and he knows you will put up with it. I don t know any woman who would sit there and watch F1 after being blown off for a date. They would all just leave and do something better instead.He sounds really ignorant.

Threads like this come up on tattle a lot. Usually a woman complaining about a boyfriend or partner - then it becomes obvious that the aforementioned guy is completely taking the piss but when this fact is pointed out the original poster will come back with umpteen ridiculous excuses for him. Some people can’t see the wood for the trees unfortunately.

 

[hereforthememe]

These sort of threads end up stressing me out for the OP as I just want to tell them to walk away if you come onto a forum like this with a small argument (imo this is a minor argument) then I don't think the relationship will last long term anyways.

This is the hill I choose to die on

 

[JellyDonut]

He doesn’t come to mine as I feel funny about him coming to my house when it’s still half my ex’s. So I drive to his. Hence me being worried about the cost of fuel. That’s not something he needs to worry about it’s something for me.