Argument with boyfriend- advice needed please
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Having said that, he's already offered to fly out first thing Monday morning - I would take him up on that, it's very fair.He sounds like a dick if he didn’t even consider you at all! Sounds like you’d be better off without him girl
How often do you see each other?? Is it every few days? Or once a week? Longer?
ETA: just read all the other replies.
This guy isn’t really your boyfriend. Sorry but he’s not. You hardly see each other which in itself seems bogus, then when you do see him he’s making ridiculous excuses not to go out and do things with you and now he’s ditched you & your birthday plans for work. This isn’t a relationship. He’s just a guy you see - presumably for sex? - once in a while. At best, he’s a duck buddy. But he’s not an actual boyfriend.
You can’t tell someone her boyfriend isn’t her boyfriend
He obviously is they just don’t have a ‘regular/stereotypical’ relationship.His priorities are off though.
Well, I can. Based on what she has shared, they don’t have much of a relationship at all. They hardly see one another - why? And then when they do, he’s making up some lame excuse about wanting toYou can’t tell someone her boyfriend isn’t her boyfriend
His priorities are off though.
Stay in to watch TV - why? Or was it that in reality, he simply wanted to stay in, put minimal effort into it, get a shag and away he goes until the next meeting a week or so later? And now he’s decided that he can’t be arsed spending time with her for her birthday and he would actually prefer to
Go alone to a work conference……. Hmmmmmm….. nah sorry but this stinks and you can smell it a mile off.
I feel like there should be a warning under the create a thread button that @BettyCrockerr is going to come along and be an absolute savage
To OP, I’m not gonna lie I would have a massive knee jerk strop if I was in your shoes. And then I’d pull myself together and figure out a compromise, it seems like he’s already suggested a couple. If you don’t want to go ahead with the weekend because you think his head will be in work then don’t, but you do need to decide whether you’re happy with where you are on his list of priorities.
To OP, I’m not gonna lie I would have a massive knee jerk strop if I was in your shoes. And then I’d pull myself together and figure out a compromise, it seems like he’s already suggested a couple. If you don’t want to go ahead with the weekend because you think his head will be in work then don’t, but you do need to decide whether you’re happy with where you are on his list of priorities.
I'm a bit concerned that his working away isn't working away at all, is there any evidence to suggest he has a bit on the side? Or maybe OP is the bit on the side? It might explain his reluctance to want to go out to nice places with OP? Or he could simply be thinking more about himself and his career and a relationship just isn't his main priority. For some people they don't feel that a relationship is that important in life and would rather put there focus elsewhere. If that is the case then I would consider the relationship as a whole and whether it's worth being in it.
If you don't want to postpone the trip I would just cut it a day short and compromise, it's not too bad since it's not smack bang in the middle of the trip and it would make both parties fairly happy. Not the most ideal situation but it could be worse
If you don't want to postpone the trip I would just cut it a day short and compromise, it's not too bad since it's not smack bang in the middle of the trip and it would make both parties fairly happy. Not the most ideal situation but it could be worse
I agree with this, are you sure he hasnt got another family /relationship/ or is married etc OP? All that about doing work when you were abroad as well would be enough for me. Hes not putting you first,cant be bothered to make time for you properly as well etc.. Excuse after excuse, why are you still with him when you could have a partner who would spent time with you and put you first?
It sounds from what you say that hes not in love with you OP. Move on and do something else with other people who respect you more.
Some of these replies are a bit Mumsnet 
It’s understandable that you would be a bit disappointed but it’s not the end of the world. His career is important to him, and he can make it up to you some other time. If you have a future together his career is important to you too.
If he misses this opportunity to attend your birthday stuff he might be present physically but won’t really want to be there.
You’re grown now, tit happens, be supportive and understanding and it will pay dividends. IMO.
Long distance relationships are difficult, and I think some of the other examples you’ve mentioned are symptomatic of that, especially if you’re both busy hardworking people.
If you have two young children I can understand why you need to be made to feel special and feel down if you don’t
It’s understandable that you would be a bit disappointed but it’s not the end of the world. His career is important to him, and he can make it up to you some other time. If you have a future together his career is important to you too.
If he misses this opportunity to attend your birthday stuff he might be present physically but won’t really want to be there.
You’re grown now, tit happens, be supportive and understanding and it will pay dividends. IMO.
Long distance relationships are difficult, and I think some of the other examples you’ve mentioned are symptomatic of that, especially if you’re both busy hardworking people.
If you have two young children I can understand why you need to be made to feel special and feel down if you don’t
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I understand what you’re saying (yeah I’m probably one of the ‘mums net’ replies lol!) but it sounds like he’s not factoring her feelings fully. Yes they are going away for the weekend, but his head won’t be in it if he’s planning/doing work stuff. He’s entitled to work hard at his career and I wouldn’t knock any one for that, but I feel as if he is fobbing her off. Maybe they are just too different (the long distance thing isn’t ideal either!) and at different stages of life. Nothing wrong with that but OP feels let down as it doesn’t sound as if she is a priority on the occasions they DO actually manage to get together. I feel this is the issue and I wouldn’t be happy personally with this.Some of these replies are a bit Mumsnet
It’s understandable that you would be a bit disappointed but it’s not the end of the world. His career is important to him, and he can make it up to you some other time. If you have a future together his career is important to you too.
If he misses this opportunity to attend your birthday stuff he might be present physically but won’t really want to be there.
You’re grown now, tit happens, be supportive and understanding and it will pay dividends. IMO.
Long distance relationships are difficult, and I think some of the other examples you’ve mentioned are symptomatic of that, especially if you’re both busy hardworking people.
If you have two young children I can understand why you need to be made to feel special and feel down if you don’t
I’m in my mid 30s and still get excited about doing something for my birthday! So if I went away with my other half and it was going to be bogged down with his work stuff, I wouldn’t be happy either.
Sorry to be that guy but yeah I think you're being unreasonable. His career is obviously important to him and it's not a special birthday. He clearly did take into account your thoughts because he asked you beforehand rather than just saying 'hey, sorry but I can't do this weekend anymore, let's reschedule' (which is, frankly, what my fiance or I would do if it was important for work).
However, there does seem to be a clash of values here if you need someone who puts you before their career at all times to meet your needs and he wants to prioritise his career. No judgement on either of those stances but they are competing values if you can't find a middle ground. So I would be rethinking the relationship and if it can work longterm if he can't/isn't willing to provide you with what you need.
However, there does seem to be a clash of values here if you need someone who puts you before their career at all times to meet your needs and he wants to prioritise his career. No judgement on either of those stances but they are competing values if you can't find a middle ground. So I would be rethinking the relationship and if it can work longterm if he can't/isn't willing to provide you with what you need.
I agree with this , compromiseSome of these replies are a bit Mumsnet
It’s understandable that you would be a bit disappointed but it’s not the end of the world. His career is important to him, and he can make it up to you some other time. If you have a future together his career is important to you too.
If he misses this opportunity to attend your birthday stuff he might be present physically but won’t really want to be there.
You’re grown now, tit happens, be supportive and understanding and it will pay dividends. IMO.
Long distance relationships are difficult, and I think some of the other examples you’ve mentioned are symptomatic of that, especially if you’re both busy hardworking people.
If you have two young children I can understand why you need to be made to feel special and feel down if you don’t
I would support his career efforts but say ‘I want you prepared for Switzerland so that means no work emails whilst we’re away, at all! I will hide your phone if I need to so we can enjoy this time together and not think about anything else’. Both parties win then.
Hopefully you enjoy your break
I think OPs main problem is that shes just a shag, this man isn't in a relationship with her. I bet you anything that when he wouldn't go out and wanted to watch F1 instead he still had time for a shag later on? You say He’s making me out to feel like I’m crazy and unreasonable and I don’t know what to think. That sounds like gaslighting to me.
I think you are being used OP. If you stopped shagging him and say needed some real support with something I bet you wouldn't see him for dust. Never mind the weekend away. He is not a partner.
I think you are being used OP. If you stopped shagging him and say needed some real support with something I bet you wouldn't see him for dust. Never mind the weekend away. He is not a partner.
I don’t think your being unreasonable. At the end of the day it’s made you feel a certain kind of way. Which is 100% valid and you shouldn’t be made to feel bad for talking about it. You are not crazy or unreasonable for being upset that something you’ve had planned may need to change and feeling you’ve slipped down the priority list.
To put it bluntly, it sounds like your boyfriend has really tit boundaries when it comes to work. There is a difference between working hard and letting work become the be all and end all of life. Working late and taking back holidays is actually a pretty toxic attitude to take with work. Over time this kind of behaviour becomes expected the more he does it until he reaches burn out (which will happen) or he decides he wants to start setting boundaries (which becomes really challenging when work have developed that expectation). Everyone wants to rub shoulders with senior people in scenarios like this the senior people are more than aware that’s why people are approaching them. It’s usually far more effective to show them rather than tell them what you’re capable of.
Although it might not feel like it you have plenty of choices on what you do but ultimately you feel how you feel and no matter how much involvement you’ve had in planning etc your feelings are valid. He has no right to tell you you can’t be upset- your birthday matters to you and he shouldn’t gaslight you into feeling you’re crazy. If he’s not able to communicate with you in a way you can express how you feel, if this is a pattern of behaviour where you regularly have to compromise plans you would like for the sake of him then I would walk away. Relationships need balance, communication and compromise but it sounds like he regularly doesn’t want to compromise for you.
To put it bluntly, it sounds like your boyfriend has really tit boundaries when it comes to work. There is a difference between working hard and letting work become the be all and end all of life. Working late and taking back holidays is actually a pretty toxic attitude to take with work. Over time this kind of behaviour becomes expected the more he does it until he reaches burn out (which will happen) or he decides he wants to start setting boundaries (which becomes really challenging when work have developed that expectation). Everyone wants to rub shoulders with senior people in scenarios like this the senior people are more than aware that’s why people are approaching them. It’s usually far more effective to show them rather than tell them what you’re capable of.
Although it might not feel like it you have plenty of choices on what you do but ultimately you feel how you feel and no matter how much involvement you’ve had in planning etc your feelings are valid. He has no right to tell you you can’t be upset- your birthday matters to you and he shouldn’t gaslight you into feeling you’re crazy. If he’s not able to communicate with you in a way you can express how you feel, if this is a pattern of behaviour where you regularly have to compromise plans you would like for the sake of him then I would walk away. Relationships need balance, communication and compromise but it sounds like he regularly doesn’t want to compromise for you.
Thank duck someone else can see what’s going on here and agrees with my point raised earlier!!!!!!
the OP claims they have been a couple for 2 years. This is NOT the behaviour of a guy who’s been in an exclusive, committed, genuine relationship for 2 years. It’s just not. Let’s cut the tit here - he’s a casual duck buddy. He’s probably slinging it around elsewhere with a host of other women.
The OP says she has children from a previous relationship- but if that was the case and she was in a real relationship of 2 years with this guy, he would be a part of the family by now - spending real time with her and her kids, being a step parent or at least a figure in the kids lives etc not just occasionally meeting up every once in a while for a quick shag when it suits and then dumping her on her birthday so he can go sow his seeds abroad on a “work trip”
I'd be fuming. It's not a competition who has done the most to prepare for the weekend away.
I imagine you aren't financially connected, so that probably adds to the notion you don't want him doing work on your time together.
It's totally reasonable for you to be annoyed.
I imagine you aren't financially connected, so that probably adds to the notion you don't want him doing work on your time together.
It's totally reasonable for you to be annoyed.
It's not the fact that he would go to the conference for me, it's his reaction to your response.
While I do agree with his point to a certain degree (if he's planned the whole trip and made the arrangements in the first place, he was clearly interested in this birthday weekend, and one day of overlap shouldn't be too much of an issue) BUT if he has worded his opinion the way you've written here, that's a big fat bleeping nope from me. He has no right to call you crazy or to lecture you about how you should feel about your birthday? And you've said that the reason he was hesitant about not going wasn't even because of your plans together, it was his own little anxiety about being in an unfamiliar crowd. This doesn't sound great.
If this is a recurring situation and if he is constantly dodging you from his list of priorities for other stuff, it's not fair for you. He might be a great person but seems like you two aren't very compatible in terms of what you want/need from a relationship. If he wants a very casual vague realtionship where he can keep his work as his top priority, fair enough but he shouldn't be expecting that from someone who needs more. If you constantly feel like a backup plan to his life, that can't be making you very happy I imagine.
While I do agree with his point to a certain degree (if he's planned the whole trip and made the arrangements in the first place, he was clearly interested in this birthday weekend, and one day of overlap shouldn't be too much of an issue) BUT if he has worded his opinion the way you've written here, that's a big fat bleeping nope from me. He has no right to call you crazy or to lecture you about how you should feel about your birthday? And you've said that the reason he was hesitant about not going wasn't even because of your plans together, it was his own little anxiety about being in an unfamiliar crowd. This doesn't sound great.
If this is a recurring situation and if he is constantly dodging you from his list of priorities for other stuff, it's not fair for you. He might be a great person but seems like you two aren't very compatible in terms of what you want/need from a relationship. If he wants a very casual vague realtionship where he can keep his work as his top priority, fair enough but he shouldn't be expecting that from someone who needs more. If you constantly feel like a backup plan to his life, that can't be making you very happy I imagine.
I really intrigued to see what’s happened with this situation since this was originally posted!
I don't think you're being unreasonable. This along with the other examples you have given (him cxl dinner out to watch F1...etc) just seems to paint a picture that he doesn't give a tit & is very good at turning it back onto you to make you seem like the bad one. I think it might be gaslighting.
I suggest you tell him to enjoy his conference and cxl the holiday. You are right that you would feel guilty if you both went now. He would def make you feel miserable about it and you just wouldn't enjoy it.
Make sure to not give him any type of "attitude" about this though & try be genuine with support about the conference. I say this just so he can't make it into anything to complain about.
I don't care what age you are, if you want to have a nice birthday then you should have a nice birthday. I think you should book some beauty treatments & get pampered. Spoil yourself! You deserve a treat & you don't need to be relying on him to treat you to something nice. Don't even tell him about these plans unless he actually asks about what you plan instead for your birthday. You just go & enjoy yourself.
Tbh he doesn't sound like caring partner. If it were just this conference opportunity that had come up then that would be fine. It also grand if he super into his job, it's fantastic infact. However him doing work while out on dates with you isn't cool. He messed up by getting the date/time of the F1 wrong, what would he do if he had messed up a work situation like that, would he tell the job/client oh I have to not do what we planned bc I got the timing of X wrong & I wanna to it instead?!?! I very much doubt it. Just cause he cares about his job doesn't mean he can care less about his partner, it should be equal levels.
I fear the others are right & he doesn't care about you & is trying to get you to end things so he doesn't have to. Maybe I'm petty but I think if this is the case then he should stop being a pussy and stop messing you about. You deserve somebody who actually makes time for you.
I suggest you tell him to enjoy his conference and cxl the holiday. You are right that you would feel guilty if you both went now. He would def make you feel miserable about it and you just wouldn't enjoy it.
Make sure to not give him any type of "attitude" about this though & try be genuine with support about the conference. I say this just so he can't make it into anything to complain about.
I don't care what age you are, if you want to have a nice birthday then you should have a nice birthday. I think you should book some beauty treatments & get pampered. Spoil yourself! You deserve a treat & you don't need to be relying on him to treat you to something nice. Don't even tell him about these plans unless he actually asks about what you plan instead for your birthday. You just go & enjoy yourself.
Tbh he doesn't sound like caring partner. If it were just this conference opportunity that had come up then that would be fine. It also grand if he super into his job, it's fantastic infact. However him doing work while out on dates with you isn't cool. He messed up by getting the date/time of the F1 wrong, what would he do if he had messed up a work situation like that, would he tell the job/client oh I have to not do what we planned bc I got the timing of X wrong & I wanna to it instead?!?! I very much doubt it. Just cause he cares about his job doesn't mean he can care less about his partner, it should be equal levels.
I fear the others are right & he doesn't care about you & is trying to get you to end things so he doesn't have to. Maybe I'm petty but I think if this is the case then he should stop being a pussy and stop messing you about. You deserve somebody who actually makes time for you.